by Harriet Hairston
I read a book by Bruce Wilkinson that really opened my eyes to some of the negativity that I had allowed to enter my psyche regarding my marriage. He made it plain that no matter what happens externally in our marriage and general lives, how we respond is strictly up to us individually.
Last week, Norman Vincent Peale provided us with tools to take “maybe, maybe not” out of our vocabulary when thinking about the survival of our marriages. Wilkinson discussed a similar dynamic within marriages that definitely contributes to the rising rate of divorce in this country: hearts that are unguarded.
The heart is seen in many circles as the seat of emotions and imagination. What’s in there is what will come out in words and action. That’s why it’s so important that area of our lives is cautiously guarded (but not locked up and imprisoned). When we allow our hearts to go unchecked and unguarded, the “Marital Slide” takes place:
Stage 1: Delight–This is the “Never, never” stage where individuals in the marriage would NEVER imagine the marriage being severed. A constant state of realistic love and euphoria where husband and wife go out of their way to bring their spouse joy.
Stage 2: Discouraged–A person says to him or herself, “Marriage is harder than I expected.” Been there, done that. The honeymoon didn’t last long, but both Mr. Incredible and I made a commitment to work it out by any means necessary.
Stage 3: Disillusioned–“Marriage is boring and frustrating. It had better improve or else…” Disillusionment takes the rose colored glasses off a spouse, but the danger in this stage is when those glasses are removed, a person allows themselves to see nothing but the negative in their spouse.
Stage 4: Double-Minded–this is where the “maybe, maybe not” danger steps in. Wilkinson called it the “dilemma of uncertainty” where a spouse doesn’t know whether they want to work it out or not.
Stage 5: Desperate–“I’ll try anything. I’ve got nothing to lose.” The thing about desperation is that it can push us in the wrong direction if not careful. Desperation can drive a person to get help through counseling…or to adultery or some other kind of unhealthy release.
Stage 6: Despair–A person says, “Who cares what happens…this marriage is hopeless.”
Stage 7: Divorce–From “never, never,” to “sever, sever.” Oh, how the mighty, purposeful, loving, compassionate marriage has fallen!
The way to prevent this slide from taking place is to guard your heart! The way to get back and STAY in stage 1 is to remain loyal to the person you committed yourself to! There are five ways Wilkinson suggested to ensure your heart remains guarded:
1. Restrict and restructure your life to the “Never, Never” stage of marriage.
This requires volitional loyalty: make the daily, hourly, secondly choice to maintain your marriage.
2. Relinquish every competing person, activity or goal. What is more important? Your job/facebook account/friends or your spouse?
This requires emotional loyalty: Do you treat your spouse as the most important person in the world to you? Is your spouse the #1 physical person in your life?
3. Restore your spirit by staying committed to what is important in your life spiritually, mentally and emotionally. For many, this means drawing closer to Christ as a practice.
This is spiritual loyalty: ask God to show you areas where you need to recommit your spirit more fully to His principles and purpose.
4. Rekindle your sex life with intimacy. Personally, I think pornography presents too many external temptations and dangers than it is worth. But communication and intimate times together (dates, conversation, casual compliments and passing touches, etc.) definitely help towards this end.
This is called physical loyalty: where no one else is allowed to enter the intimate space but your spouse.
5. Remain committed to your covenant and spouse. Always remember that your marriage is NOT just a piece of paper to be discarded when beat upon too much. Marriage is a binding covenant that requires LOVE to be shared at all times by both parties involved. That “no matter what” type of commitment!
This requires unconditional loyalty!
The bottom line: marriage is a “no matter what” type of commitment. No matter what happens, no matter what stage of the slide you find yourself in, there is ALWAYS an escape route to a safe place for your marriage.
So, BMWK…have you ever found yourself in the “Marital Slide?” How did you get back to the “Never, Never” stage? What types of loyalties are you strongest in? Where can you use more improvement? Talk to us and tell us what you think!
God bless!
~ Harriet
Kevin says
This is an excellent post! I found it to be very useful and informative. What is the title of the book by Bruce Wilkinson? I would like to read it. I have just recently discovered your website and have enjoyed reading your posts.
HarrietH says
The book is called, “Experiencing Spiritual Breakthroughs” by Bruce Wilkinson. This is the same man that wrote “The Prayer of Jabez” and “The Dream Giver.” His work has changed my life in many ways.
Thanks for the love, Kevin! There is so much to enjoy on this site, and I hope you take some time out to see what we all have to offer!
Mrs Smiley Face says
You know, the FIRST question we were asked in premarital counseling was “Is there anything that would make you leave your spouse?” A thousand thoughts popped into my head…and then I looked at this man that I was giving my life to willingly and couldn't say anything other than no (he said no as well). My pastor said, “right answer…because if you would have said anything but no, I would've told you that you aren't ready to be married.”
I think, like you referenced, we let too many outside factors dictate intimate (not just the physical) marriage practices. We think too often about “if they do this, then imma do that”…that mentality kills so many potentially good marriages before they even make it a year.
Together I believe that my husband and I are strongest in our spiritual loyalty. We pray and rely on Him daily and the more we do it, the easier it gets to give thanks for each other. There are three sides to our story, his, God's and mine.
We're still new in this marriage and we know there will be challenging times but I refuse to give up. I've been given a gift and to throw it back would be a sin.
JJ says
Excellent! No matter what Babe, it's you and me against the world. Love you, hubby.
tb says
I believe my husband and I live in a marital slide. I can't count the number of times he said he wanted to leave me. But I live in a world of no options, we have no choice but to make it work. I believe I try to do everything to make it work. You can not control anyone's behavior but your own. I try to honor his request, I changed things about myself that he did not like, habits, beliefs thinking that he would be happier. Sometimes I don't recognized myself but I feel it is worth it if it makes my spouse happy. I am determaine to be with my husband to the end of my days no matter what, that is the commitment I made to him and God.
Jaclynbrwn says
My husband and I lived by this rule. We are in our 4th year and we continually sit down and reevaluate and express our marital life. We realize that you just cant say the words once…its a process that needs constant nurturing. We actually just went through a rough patch and remembering our commitment and covenant with each other has allowed us to rekindle that support and romance that was gradually slipping away. We sat down and went over all things you mentioned a few days ago and I am pleased to say our love is back on track!
Gods_Man says
Another great post Harriet. This has sparked quite the email discussion between my bride and I. She asked me where have I been on this scale. My response was that, at my lowest I caught myself in the first part of Stage 3, “Marriage is boring and frustrating…” I have however never had the thought that “this better improve or else,” because have seen our marriage as a covenant, not just between the two of us, but also with God. When I thought about that it shook me out of my “poor me” attitude and drove me back to Stage 1.
As for which loyalties I am strongest in I would say that the Physical and Spiritual ones are my strongest.
A couple of questions
1. When I look at the loyalty list doesn't the spiritual one drive the unconditional one and don't you master the unconditional one by exercising the volitional one?
2. What do you do for someone who is strong in physical loyalty but this is where the disconnect exists with their spouse? An example could be a wife who wants to be physically loyal but is refused by her husband or a husband who is emotionally loyal but this holds no value to his wife.
– Carlton
HarrietH says
Thank you, God's Man! I'm going to take a stab at answering your questions, because I have my own thoughts and experiences regarding them. I'll tell you my experience, then balance it with what the Lord has been working on me with:
1. YES!!!! In other words, it's all or nothing when it comes to loyalty in marriage. We can find all kinds of loopholes, but when you think of marriage as a covenant promise, those loopholes are only pathways to destruction.
How do I know? Because my largest area of improvement is in the emotional loyalty section. I hate to admit it, but it is what it is. When I feel like I'm being mistreated or I don't necessarily like the direction we're going as a family, I have the tendency to “check out” emotionally. This recently came to a huge head in my marriage, and I had to re-evaluate how I treated Mr. Incredible and why. In my mind, I kept him imprisoned in the mistakes he made earlier in our marriage, and I couldn't appreciate that he was a different person. So I found other people and activities to make up for the emotional void I felt. We had to sit down and really talk that thing out. I'm happy to say that we have since resolved it, but it was rough for both of us in the interim.
2. The danger in not making loyalty to your spouse unconditional and all encompassing is the risk you take when he or she seeks to fill that void elsewhere, whether sexually, emotionally…some spouses have even turned their backs on their faith because of the treatment they receive from their significant other.
The only thing that can successfully combat that kind of slide, IMO, is having that “all or nothing” attitude. That may be difficult for people whose spouses don't subscribe to that attitude, but that's the only way in my mind.
Anyone else can feel free to chime in, though. I think your questions are AWESOME!
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thanks Harriet!!!! I am still in the never never stage and hope to stay there. Thanks for providing ways to prevent this slide from taking place !!
GeeGee4 says
I wish I could say never, never but I cant… I have been “sliding” since three months after I said,” I do”. Harriet, your posts have continued to encourage me to hang in there. You hit the nail on the head, when you said its difficult to have the never never attitude by yourself. And that is where I am at. I want my marriage to stand the test of time, but it takes two, right? God Bless everyone… I enjoyed everyone responses….
HarrietH says
Keep hanging in there, Gee Gee…keep praying for your husband, too. I know you're tired, but I also know a breakthrough is coming. Like I quoted last week, “Prayer doesn't change things for us, but it changes us for things.” It IS hard to have the “Never, Never” philosophy by yourself, but I'm here to tell you that my husband did…for a LONG season…and now I do, too.
So coming from the guilty, hopeless party, if I can make that change, any other man or woman can. Stay encouraged!
Just Asking.... says
I have a question about something someone else posted. *****This is not an attack on the poster, I just want to understand the thought process. Please dont be offended ********
“I believe my husband and I live in a marital slide. I can't count the number of times he said he wanted to leave me. But I live in a world of no options, we have no choice but to make it work. I believe I try to do everything to make it work. You can not control anyone's behavior but your own. I try to honor his request, I changed things about myself that he did not like, habits, beliefs thinking that he would be happier. Sometimes I don't recognized myself but I feel it is worth it if it makes my spouse happy. I am determaine to be with my husband to the end of my days no matter what, that is the commitment I made to him and God. “
As a wife, and a woman, if you are not even able to recognize yourself emotionally/spritually because of changes you made to please your spouse, how is that person honoring you? I understand that marriage is hard work. I totally get that you have to make concessions…. but I just feel that at some point if you stop being yourself how can you truly be happy? Doesnt a healthy marriage also need people that are personally fullfilled within themselves? I have been there…changing who I was to please someone in hopes of making things work. Only to realize in the end that I was more misreable WITH them as I would have been alone. I spent 6 years of my childbearing life with him. Again please dont get offended. But sometimes I see people dealing with issues that are TOTALLY unhealthy for the sake of being married and for the children.. Then once the children are older and they wake up 50 years old feeling like they shorted themselves as individuals.
What about adultery? If someone cheats and you forgive them, and they do it again…at what point is enough, enough? Where are we supposed to draw the line between sticking it out with that “All of nothing” attitude, and loving ourseleves. Havent our parents always told us, “If you don't love yourself no one else will”?
HarrietH says
I definitely think there's a healthy balance where people can compromise without totally losing themselves. I could go on and on about this topic, but you can read my viewpoint at the following link:
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2008/12/11/g…
By the way, this was the first article I ever wrote for BMWK! I'm a little nostalgic posting it! LOL
Tomicagregory says
My husband and I have been married eight years and together for 12 years (including the marriage) Our problems was that we married with out putting God first. When we got married I did not live myself, so instead of really thinking it through I said yes because he wanted to make me his wife. But I realize that I should have waited until we were both ready. Up until we found God I left him several times because I was “fed up” I even cheated on him several times because he mad me unhappy (so I thought) even told him I was in love with someone else. My husband showed me a side of him I never seen he stood for our marriage and told me you dont love him. He ministed to my spirit and loved on my spirit. Now today I am able to go through problems in my marriage but trust God because he can change all things. We both have a ways to go but we are not the same couple we were yesterday. But the key is putting God first. Walking in love unconditionally and putting noone before your spouse. I was always the naive one and allowing people to have my hear. Now the only one that have my ear is God and listening to God I am able to listen to my husbands spirit and ignore the flesh. With God we will be together for eternity.
Mzchocolatedrop says
All of that is TOTALLY understandable… but don’t you lose yourself in that? I mean I have done that for YEARS… and NOW I am almost 40 – been married for 19 years and I am JUST finding out what I like. I have always done what my HUSBAND wanted me to do. I gave up my career, my education, pretty much my health because I let myself go… to do what HE wanted me to do. NOW… I have started doing thing that I want to do and I find myself doing things that I didn’t even know I LIKED to do!
Mzchocolatedrop says
WOW! That is a nice post. I have been married for 19 years… and I can VERY much say… I am on the Marriage Slide stage between 6 and 7. I DEARLY love my husband – I am not just no longer IN LOVE with him and not sure if I ever HAVE been IN LOVE with him. I want to be in UNCONDITIONAL love and that is not the case. We have grown apart in so many ways that I just don’t even like being in the same house sometimes. We don’t communicate AT ALL … and I REALLY don’t know what I want. I KNOW if I just listen to God’s word he will direct my path. I know that… so what is the problem?
HarrietH says
Hi, Mz Chocolate Drop!
Wow…19 years is a long time to grow apart like that. I’d say you’ve invested enough time in the relationship to at least make an attempt to grow back together. Diagnosing some of the issues is the starting point, and it looks like you were able to do that through this article.
In my mind, you seem to be more in Stage 4…double minded. I make that observation based on your saying, “I REALLY don’t know what I want.”
I think everyone has the answer regarding God’s Word, but having the answer and acting on it are two different things. On the other hand, some people depend on other men and women to spoon feed them the principles of God’s Word instead of taking the time to dig deep and hear from God for themselves. The preacher/pastor/minister can only take you but so far. Even Jesus took the disciples aside and helped them interpret what He was giving the crowds.
To answer your question, I have to ask one of my own: Are you a “crowd” Christian or a “covenant” Christian?
Rwilliams says
An absolutely wonderful post and right on point on every single issue. Also love your bio, “slip and slide out of labels.” This describes me to a tee. Keep up the extraordinary work.