by Lamar Tyler
A while back I read an article in the Washington Post that took an interesting position. The article asked what if so many people were getting divorced because they didn’t know how to be married. If this is the case in mainstream society, then in the black community we really need to consider this.
In our communities, 7 out of 10 children are being born out of wedlock. What this means is that most of our children don’t see firsthand what a marriage looks like in their home. This just takes into account them seeing any form of marriage not even a good, healthy marriage. If we’re growing up never seeing what a marriage looks like up close, how do we know how to be married when we take the leap ourselves?
What we need to know is that a loving marriage requires intimacy, communication and compromise. We also need to know that conflict will arise and that we need to work through it and not run from it. Hopefully if we know that this is one of the problems then we can come up with solutions like marriage education, premarital counseling etc…
BMWK family, is this possible? Can the problem be that we don’t know how to be married? If this is the case then what’s the answer?
HarrietH says
The more I learn about being married, the more I realize how much I don’t know. LOL That’s not necessarily a bad thing…it pushes me to do just what you said. Learn more, gain wisdom from those who are strong in areas where I’m weak, communication all the more vigorously, etc.
I think marriage, like leadership, is both a science and an art. There are some hard and fast commonalities of successful marriages such as communication, sexual fidelity, friendship, etc. But because every marriage has its own heartbeat and DNA, we can add our own funk to it. Just my two cents
Hoviceberg2 says
Growing up in a household with mom and dad together the entire time i can honestly say that i am ahead of the curve on that aspect. The problem is that if you are the only one in a relationship that knows this it does no good if the wo(man) does not know the role each should play. So i would say yes it is def something that you have to learn
Divine and Debt Free says
I am not married (always tryin to weigh in on the subject lol) but this is how I release my views, since my blog is just about debt! anywho my two cents is that, a lot of people go into a marriage thinking its JUST US TWO and try not to involve other people when situations come up. We have the island mentality and nobody knows our issues because well “its not their business” I don’t think that people should know every single detail about your married life but there should be a group of solid people you have that you can confide in when you both don’t agree because it A. sheds light onto a situation and exposes how valid or rediculous the issue is and B. brings people that have experienced the same issues into the mix to share how THEY worked it out.
Reason why people are so scared to bring people in the mix is because they people are usually sista girl, or homeboy who has never been married or been divorced 8 times and can’t tell sally from sue. So instead of seeking out older and or alike couples we just insist we “work out our own issues” which never works. I can vouch for this to be true because it works the exact same way with people who are up to their eye balls in debt, you always here “oh i didn’t tell anybody because I aint want folk up in my business” and now because you DIDN’T share you financial situation, you are jobless and sitting with a home in foreclosure with no place to go.
my point… GET OFF THE ISLAND.
Anonymous says
There is it.
So you & Ronnie are putting that on your list of next things to conquer after the tour, yes?
May I suggest a two-tiered approach.
First working with currently married people to strengthen their bonds.
Second working with couples in love and moving toward engagement to pick up those skills before they make the leap – or decide its better not too.
& possibly do some workshops for singles who aspire to be in relationships leading to marriage if you feel super-overachievy.
I have been saying recently, in part due to personal struggles & watching other friends struggle, there is no place for men & women that are not married or premarital to go work out their issues together. We used a premarital counselor and it was a bit weird because the assumption was we were already engaged.
Some people even though we were strange for seeking help outside of getting bad advice from friends that don’t know any better.
Anonymous says
There is it.
So you & Ronnie are putting that on your list of next things to conquer after the tour, yes?
May I suggest a two-tiered approach.
First working with currently married people to strengthen their bonds.
Second working with couples in love and moving toward engagement to pick up those skills before they make the leap – or decide its better not too.
& possibly do some workshops for singles who aspire to be in relationships leading to marriage if you feel super-overachievy.
I have been saying recently, in part due to personal struggles & watching other friends struggle, there is no place for men & women that are not married or premarital to go work out their issues together. We used a premarital counselor and it was a bit weird because the assumption was we were already engaged.
Some people even though we were strange for seeking help outside of getting bad advice from friends that don’t know any better.
Anonymous says
There is it.
So you & Ronnie are putting that on your list of next things to conquer after the tour, yes?
May I suggest a two-tiered approach.
First working with currently married people to strengthen their bonds.
Second working with couples in love and moving toward engagement to pick up those skills before they make the leap – or decide its better not too.
& possibly do some workshops for singles who aspire to be in relationships leading to marriage if you feel super-overachievy.
I have been saying recently, in part due to personal struggles & watching other friends struggle, there is no place for men & women that are not married or premarital to go work out their issues together. We used a premarital counselor and it was a bit weird because the assumption was we were already engaged.
Some people even though we were strange for seeking help outside of getting bad advice from friends that don’t know any better.
EPayne says
I’d say people more times than not don’t know how to be married. They don’t have any idea that their world is about to come colliding into another’s who thinks theirs is just as important as yours. I think that is why there is premarital counseling, counseling, marriage consulting and whole section of psychology dedicated to matrimony.
But what I will also say is that our society which is merely a microcosm of the macrocosm seems lulled into the belief that if it don’t work then it mustn’t be meant to be. Imagine saying that about your first car, or now your most expensive car. No matter how angry, tired, broke, exhausted you are YOU WILL GET THAT CAR FIXED. Why because you’ve invested too much time, energy and money into it and it makes you look and feel too good and it gets you where you need to be in life…hmmm…sounds a lot like what marriage is supposed to be…
On that note…peace…
Spenser says
I knew that I didn’t know how to be Married. Raised by my Mother who was seperated from my Father since I was 3. I made a decision that the woman that I married would know more than me.
Well, while my wife comes from a 2 parent household. We are still BOTH figuring it out. I tend to lean on older Nubian couples that have made it through the time trails.
What works Best for me is knowing that I don’t know & not have an Exit Plan. This is going 2 work. B/c it has No Choice!
Sabaink says
I agree that two people MUST want to be married. Additionally, it is important to incorporate people into your marriage/relationship that are in healthy relationships/marriages as your allies. It is definitely true that people who grow up not seeing what a marriage looks like have a harder time defining their spousal/marital roles. I have found this to be true with Men who only grow up with a Mother. The Male role is not defined and seeing their Mother play both the role of Mom & Dad can make it a challenge when they need to find their “place” within a Marriage or Family structure. Additionally, it can be difficult for anyone – even those that grew up with both parents but have witnessed that union or marriage to be unhealthy and dysfunctional one. Overall, I do not believe that there is a “PERFECT” prescription/for marriage success – just a desire (by both parties) to make things work through communication, compromise, Respect, Friendship and Personal growth and development. Now, I come from parents that were married 52 years and WAS with my spouse for 15 years (together 19) with 2 children. Finally, I do agree that EVERY couple should find their own DNA….because what may work for one couple may not work for another – so we should be very clear about this as we seek external support for our relationships.
Andrea says
There is a marriage manual….THE BIBLE.
Roger Madison says
I think that the basic premise is correct. However, I would submit that the solution is not a a “How to manual” but more of a “Why marriage is important manual.”
Marriage is the fundamental covenant relationship that builds strong families, which lead to safe and productive communities. The community that I live in has a 95% graduation rate from our community high school, and 86% of those go on to college. This is a community of families with strong values that support the school and the whole community. Kids play safely in the streets with their parents watching, and people who accidentally leave their garages open over night find their stuff still there in the morning, or a police officer rings your doorbell after dark to remind you to close your garage door.
A “how to manual” will not do much good if the marriage partners don’t see themselves in a functional community of families as role models and a reason to build a strong family to participate in that community. When marriages are reduced to “his needs, her needs” ( I know this is the title of a famous book on marriage) it is a constant negotiation instead of a covenant that works toward a greater goal of raising a family in a strong community. As one respondent mentioned above, the “community” provides the models and potential input from those who have been through the same internal conflicts and struggles — to let us know we are not just two people on an island.
With regard to the 70% of our children living in single parent homes, I believe that this is primarily the result of people indulging in sexual activity without regard for family implications. It occurs to me that many of these situations arise, not because the participants don’t know how to be married. They have no intention of marrying in the first place. We have slipped into a generation of “baby daddies” and “baby mommas” and lost perspective on what a two-parent family is. And this leads to a decline of communities, schools, and individual lives.
We may be at the point of no return in some communities. The solution from within is very difficult. Those who want strong marriages have to leave these declining communities and move to where there are positive role models of functional families in communities. Sadly, there are fewer places that demonstrate these values. The divorce and rampant sexual activity plague is consuming our country. The common attempt at a solution is more “how to manuals.”
Andrea said it best: There is a marriage manual… THE BIBLE.
Sabaink says
Absolutely – there is a marriage manual…..however, BOTH people have to be willing or open to following it……
Anonymous says
Hi, well let me start by saying that i married the same person twice and still married to him now. I need to also say that we did not do it the way i believe which is in the Lord. So we did not know how to be married. But as for me i am learning through the word of God. This is helping me so much that i wish that everyone would go back and learn this way this is the only way. The Bible says that in Ephesians 5:25-31 that the husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.This is something that men do even understand not lest they know the Lord. And the wives should honor her husband. well not lest you understand that that is not going to happen. So i just do as the word tells me to do in Eph, and first corinthians 7 the wholly chapter.
Warren says
Appreciate your comment that marriage is both an art & a science.
Warren Little
https://www.bestGreenHomeBusiness.com
Warren says
Amen on the premarital counseling and the whole bit.
– Warren Little
https://www.BestGreenHomeBusiness.com
Shelly18 says
Marriage is a ministry! Both husband and wife need to work hard at making it work. Communication is the key. I believe that anything worth having is worth working for. I agree that wife’s need to honor your husband and Husbands need to love their wife as Christ loves the church but unless both of them are constantly in their word and you have a real relationship with GOD then you will not know that.
Legal Grinding Wifey says
I do believe that many people get married and say the water in the face comment to themselves “oh sh*t. I was told that marriage would feel different and even though we are only almost 2 weeks in this Friday we feel very similar to how we felt for at least the last 6 months. It didn’t take actually being married for us to get in the mindset of what marriage would be for us. I laughed at a co-worker of mine who at leas a month leading up to my wedding performed a daily countdown for me. I finally told him that we weren’t counting counting down because we were already married in our hearts and mind. So marriage is definitely a mindset that begins way before saying I DO.