I love my husband dearly, but sometimes I need some space. And sometimes he does too.
One of the biggest misconceptions about marriage is that you have to always be under each other. Imagine the energy and paranoia that comes from trying to keep your spouse on a short leash.
Where is she/he?
Where have you been?
Why did you leave me?
How come you don’t want me to go with you?
We should always be together.
This is not what God meant when He said “two shall become one.” A husband and a wife can be one in their goals, in their intimate moments, in their beliefs about parenting, and other practical marriage matters, but they don’t have to live like conjoined twins.
When you are secure in your marriage, you can give your spouse space.
There’s no reason to trip when your husband wants to go to a sports bar to watch the game and eat wings with the guys.
It’s really not that serious for your wife to get dressed up and have a night out with the girls.
It’s okay and even healthy to spend some time in separate rooms (not bedrooms). As I am writing this post, my hubby is watching the basketball playoffs in his TV room and I am writing in my office. After spending more than 10 hours together today we need some time to ourselves.
Space is good when the marriage is good. Actually, it can make the marriage better. Instead of being short tempered or loose lipped, you can take time to collect your thoughts and release the cares of the day in ways that are beneficial to you and to your family. The key is to be secure in your relationship and to trust that when you are not with your spouse you are still one.
BMWK, do you have a problem with giving your spouse space?
Absolutely!
As always thanks for being a loyal reader, LaWanda. Blessings to you and your new hubby.
I totally agree. Lamar and I are together a lot. I really love seeing him get away and enjoy time out with the fellas ..or doing other things that interest him.
And we don’t have to keep each other on a “leash”…our communication is open and is always flowing…we want to keep each informed of each others actions. That’s just how we roll.
No leash here either Ronnie. I love our easy going relationship. Trust makes that possible.
It’s amazing how many people tried to “fix” my marriage because my husband and I don’t feel it necessary to do every single thing together – and I almost let them convince me that my marriage was in trouble because of it. I caught myself though – WHEW! What works for one couple doesn’t work for the next one. When we started trying to spend more time together, we really started getting on each others’ nerves. Security in your marriage comes from being secure with who you are, as not only individuals but as a couple.
Hi Kim. Thanks for reading. Seems like you caught it just in time. Security as individuals is key.
Jeffrey Osborne said it best “It takes separation to bring appreciation!!” When we come back together, there is a chance to talk about how each other’s day went and talk about the ups and downs in our lives.
I think the coming back together is GREAT, too. You always have someone to connect with.
And maybe some couples actually like to do everything together. Been going strong for 7 years now and we love it. Why get married if you don’t want to spend time with your spouse? We both work full time and our free time is spent doing things that we both love. We are free to spend time with our friends but that is what makes it a choice to spend time with each other. Please remember that every marriage is different and does not have to fit into your opinions. Do what works for you and your spouse.
Hi Jaime. Sounds like you have a wonderful marriage. What you have written is what I suggest in the article. Balance. But if 24/7 together is good for one marriage, then more power to a couple.
Thanks for sharing.
Space is important. If anything it makes your quality time together all the more special. Sometimes we’ll have busy weeks and not really have much together time because of the kids, commitments and meeting up separately with friends. So we always try and make a date of it and meet out separately one night. It makes it feel exciting and we have a great time just catching up and being romantic.
I’d much rather than that than feel I cloud his every moment. We are together and happy and that’s the most important thing.
Thanks
Grace
I agree Grace. The coming back together is a special time. Sometimes it’s good to miss your spouse.
This is really good, I think my husband need to know where I am and what I’m doing.
Thank you.
Me too. My hubby always knows. I love the protection and security he provides, even from a distance. We should always be able to call on our men.
Yes, I agree. Space is indeed very important as much as being together is. Steel can only sharpen steel. A husband needs to be with his comrades if for no other reason than to “kick the shit.” And a wife woman needs to be with hers. You grow apart just as much as you grow together provided, of course, communication is ever present. You often times hear of married couples growing apart. This growing apart happens because during the married couples time together they do not communicate to each other what they have learned while apart from each other. They do not share with each other the experiences obtained during those times away from each other. It also helps a great deal if these respective friends are married as well. There is no quicker way to hell on earth than a married person hanging around individuals who are not married themselves.
Great wisdom about sharing your experiences when you come back together. So true!!! Thanks for adding that to the article.
I absolutely agree with this. I’ve tried explaining this to my husband and he just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t realize that the constant questioning and insecurity will drive me away. I’m at my wits end with this. Does anyone have suggestions? I’ve tried to appease his insecurity by checking in with him, validating that he’s the only man for me but the moment he calls and doesn’t get me its world ward 2.
Hi there. Continue to stay in prayer for him and your marriage. Also, see about local counseling or marriage ministries. If he’s around other men who are secure, then that might help.
Stay encouraged.
This is so true. In the fifth year of my marriage, I feel like we’re finding a groove and part of that groove includes giving each other space to be individuals with unique interests and still being able to come back together as one for love, intimacy, companionship and support. Great post!
The groove years are great! We are there too.
I was reading your post for the first time,and I was a wife that thought we needed to be together all time(outside of work). I look back and think I lost myself and was trying to be all that he wanted me to be! Well that did not work. I became frustated because I lost my dreams, desires, passions because he did not want them! I also realized that I was insecured in our marriage because of me losing myself I felt that he needed to be there with me all time! I know I may not be making sense, but I know I am not alone. Many women think that we need our spouses to complete, or fulfill our void and we are complete already! Just being transparent in my journey of me!
Thanks for being transparent. Someone else is dealing with the same issues. Your words offer encouragement to them. WE SHOULD NOT LOSE OURSELVES IN MARRIAGE. Marriage should enhance who we are already and help us to be better people. Sounds like you are on the right path.
Blessings to you.
My husband and I also give each other space when needed. Our line of communication is always open when we’re not around each other, so no problems there. We have never been that way – even with dating. If he wants to hang with his friends or I want to go out for some coffee by myself or have a girls night out, NO PROBLEM. Crowding each other is a relationship killer,; however, giving too much space or taking too much time away from one another can also create problems. There has to be a delicate balance.
My sentiments exactly. It’s a beautiful feeling to strike that balance together. Thanks for that.
I was JUST talking about this with my husband today. Great article!
i truly wish my marriage could be like this. Don’t get me wrong we have a good relationship but as far as me going somewhere to have space that’s out. He just recently got mad at me because I wouldn’t download an app where he could locate me wherever I am.
Great article, we practice this in our marriage. I believe for marriages that have trust and other issues, this can be a hard concept to apply, but still makes good sense and is something to strive for. I see marriages where one spouse acts like a private investigator/parole officer…not cool! I refuse to live like that.
Security in a relationship is key! Giving each other respect enough to know that you are still individuals. I’m going on 10 years of marriage and with my husband and I both in the military without security we would be divorced. Cherish the moments when you are together and miss each other when you are apart.
Pam,
Yes, deployment are not fun. I cherish every moment and I miss him when we are apart. We’ve lost alot of time over the years. So I wanna make up for that time. Who knows when the next deployment will come.
This is a great article! I’m not married, but my boyfriend and I just began our third year together this month. Since we live in different cities, our time together is very, very precious. Because we’re both busy working, going to school, and involved with several community organizations in our hometowns, we freely and eagerly share interesting tidbits with each other most days via phone calls and LOTS of texts, but at the same time we don’t hound each other about our whereabouts or daily activities. Faith in God, as well as trust, mutual respect and unconditional love for each other are key elements to help establish that balance necessary to the foundation of our relationship. God’s Blessings to you all!
I have to admit that I’ve been giving my husband a hard time about leaving me going to be with the fellas. We recently got married May of this year. We’ve been knowing each other since high school. We broke up, and got back together during the 13 years we’ve known each other. We are both in the military so deployments due play a factor. He has been depolyed twice and I just returned from a deployment December last year. We’ve lost time over the years so I want that time back. I’m not trying to be his fun snatcher, but it seems when his boys call, and we are together or home relaxing, he ups and leave to go hang with them. This month makes four months we’ve been married and I’m currently 5 months pregnant. I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy emotions but I let him have it at times because I don’t like when he stays out with the fellas all night and when he comes back I’m always sleep. We aren’t single any more! We are married now so you can’t hang out all times off night with the fellas like you did when we were single. It’s a level of respect I feel. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is it the pregnancy hormones that got me feeling like this? He has made the statement, “What, I can’t have friends now!!” How do I respond to that?
Hello. I love topics like this because they’re really thought provoking. I personally believe that space is alright in a relationship as long as the it’s alright with the partner. Many experts state that a man going out with the guys or women having a girls night out is good for relationships but what they never talk about is how often a harmless day away from their spouse turned into full blown affairs. Plus, one of the main issues concerning space in a relationship is the fact that a lot of the time when a partner hangs out with a friend/group of friends that friend/group of friends are usually not in relationships themselves and single people act very differently than those that are in relationships. They don’t have to concern themselves about telling anyone where they’re going and with whom, they can stay out all night if they wanted to and flirt with as many people as they wanted. All of those things can ruin a relationship near instantly not to mention the attitude that comes when a partner asks their spouse where they’re going, etc. You don’t make an insecure person more secure by giving them attitude or making them feel like they don’t deserve respect and courtesy. Now I’m by no means saying that couples need to be joined at the hip but the more space in a relationship, the more likely there will be more space in the relationship over time and space creates distance and distance breeds indifference.
I really agree with this… My husband and I just recently married and we had an disagreement about this because I thought we had to be attach at the hip but then I realized we never miss each other… I believe the space apart brings you closer, you actually get the opportunity to miss one another and its nice to have your me time!
There is a balance to it thou….don’t get to comfortable spending time away from your spouse…make time for each other as well …u will be amazed at how some people can’t balance the two …they go overboard with one side or the other.