by Harriet Hairston
I made mention of Bruce Wilkinson’s book, “Experiencing Spiritual Breakthroughs” a couple of weeks ago, and after perusing my notes, I came across another “WOW” factor within his book. Keeping in mind that his book is Christian based, he outlined the specific instructions laid out in the Bible for different groups of people to follow:
Wives: Submit (Ephesians 5:22)
Husbands: Love (Ephesians 5:25)
Children: Obey and honor (Ephesians 6:1)
Fathers: Don’t exasperate (Ephesians 6:4)
Employees: Serve wholeheartedly (Ephesians 6:5)
Employers: Don’t threaten (Ephesians 6:9)
This is what I call getting back to the basics…the fundamentals of fulfilling our roles as husbands, wives, children, men and women in society. It sounds so simple, but we make it so complicated. Wives look upon the word “submission” like a curse word, and dare not offend the bra-burning movement of yesteryear to enact this fundamental choice. Husbands, on the other hand, seek to be respected so badly that they force their “headship” around like a golden scepter, daring a wife to come forth without being beckoned; thus they miss their fundamental duty to unconditionally and sacrificially love their wives.
How can we get back to the basics and beyond these self-seeking attitudes that erode the quality and intimacy from our married lives?
This particular article is for women only, and it outlines the fact that “submission” is NOT a curse word. Gentlemen, feel free to read it as well, but please, please, PLEASE, for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t take this one home and suggest your wife read it. No matter how innocent your intentions may be, it’s sure to start WWIII in your household. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Wilkinson outlined five myths/misconceptions about submission that make it such a difficult thing for us to do. When we know the truth about the freedom within submission, we are liberated to become the wives we were created to be.
Misconception #1: “A husband’s job is to make his wife submit.”
Wilkinson discussed the harm that this kind of control issue can do to a marriage. He talked about the original term of submission meaning “arranging all parts underneath,” and stated that submission is “focused on the deeper, more important issues of love and intention.”
The only thing I can say to add to his viewpoint is this: IT IS A CHOICE. It’s not a tit for tat where a wife removes her intention if her husband decides to act like a donkey. Either you choose to submit or you choose not to. It’s not an act that depends on your husband’s treatment of you.
Misconception #2: “If a wife is to submit to her husband ‘as to the Lord,’ then she must act like and treat her husband as if he is the Lord.”
Wilkinson stated that “submission is a loving expression of your pre-existing submission to Jesus.” He went on to say–and I have to add that this really helped me out a lot–that, “When the choice to submit gets difficult, look past your husband to Jesus and do it anyway as an expression of your trust in God.”
This takes me to the Merriam-Webster definition of “submit:” To yield to governance and/or authority. I’ve mentioned before that the order of marriage is God, Husband, Wife, Children…then everything else falls under that umbrella. But ladies, if you can’t handle that definition, let’s talk about driving. To YIELD does not mean to STOP…it means to give or render as fitting what rightfully belongs to your husband: RESPECT. We want love from him, and they want respect from us. Part of that is in yielding in respect to our husbands.
Misconception #3: “If a wife submits to a husband ‘in everything,’ that includes sin and/or danger.”
Ladies, we can decline to do the illegal, immoral or unethical acts because of a higher allegiance to the Lord. We should want to submit with everything in us, but we can also honor our husbands while still refusing to do terrible things out of reverence for the Lord.
Misconception #4: The wife is supposed to submit to the husband, but he is also supposed to submit to her.”
One verse prior to the one requiring women to submit to their husbands states, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This discusses the corporate desire for God’s people to treat one another with respect and be unselfish in relationships with each other. This verse does not apply to marriage. See the above list for wives, husbands, children, employers and employees for more details.
Misconception #5: “If I submit to my husband, I won’t be able to voice my opinions or feel confident that my feelings or ideas matter.”
This is the misconception that I had to “unlearn” when I got married. Mr. Incredible and I are both very strong willed, and he would sometimes refer to this submission clause earlier in our marriage. After WWIII, WWIV and WWV ended and the reconstruction of our marriage commenced, he learned not to throw that in my face (it didn’t take him long). I learned, on the other hand, to express my opinions respectfully. Submission does NOT equate to passivity. Wilkinson stated, “Your uniqueness is vital to your marital success…HOW you disagree or make suggestions is what matters.”
So my question for the BMWK ladies is this: which flavor of the submission misconception kool aid did you drink to? Now that you have the actual meaning of what submission is, how can you apply that active choice to how you treat your husband?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Though this is easy for single women like me to say, your remarks are thoroughly on point! Please keep encouraging folks in a biblical worldview. Imagine how many more happy & successful marriages there would be if folks just submitted to the One who knows how He designed men and women and how He wants His institution to work …
Wow. I just have to say I truly love this site. I have been reading the articles on this site for the past few months but this is my first time posting. I am 26 and single. And, although I have never been married, I would like to some day, to the right person. The articles authored on this site give me things to think about and issues to work on within myself so that one day, I am prepared to be mature and selfless enough to be married. Each of you are inspiring and motivation for those who still seek to have a Christ centered marriage. Thanks for all you do and those you touch!
Like Nicole, I LOOOOVE your site. Its the first RSS feed I check out. I am 30 and single and your articles are really on point. You highlight the good, the bad, and the not so pretty. Marriage isn’t a “cake walk” but the walk can be a joyful journey if we follow the right principals. … Misconception #5 pretty much knocked me over the head!!! Thanks for a great read!
I’m 40 and I’ve been married for 14 years. I understand submission as stated in the bible. So many others do not. I think the most important thing is to start with a person who is equally yoked. Submission is easy when you have someone that you trust to take care of your heart.
I have been married to a fantastic husband for 36 years, but I still call marriage “the dance of the porcupines!” We love each other deeply, except for those occasional moments when we’d like to kill each other 😉 In my early years as a Christian, the church I found Christ in really perverted this submission doctrine as they journeyed toward becoming a cult! I am grateful that since then I have found more balanced examples.
It is easy to submit to those who act with sacrificial love. Not so easy when the love is self-centered. And communication styles (love languages) cloak the love offered into unrecognized forms. Also, your advice to “look through” to Christ when hubby is less-than-loving or as-sensitive-as-a-brick in the relationship is wise. THANX for the reminder.
I continue making consistent attempts to lower my quills; it’s easier to dance that way.
Great article. I love this website but this one here hit the spot. I will continue to share your blog postings as well as add your site to the top of my RSS feed. Your thoughts and ideas are golden and I am 100% sure if more people understood how a man is supposed to lead and be respected minus th ego the world would be a much better place.
After reading the article and discussing this subject over and over again…I still don’t have a true definition of what it means to submit. My husband often throws this in my face and it’s always discussed at church. However, what does it truly mean at its core. What are some examples? To say that submit simply means to respect or yield to him is not a clear definition. If it was then it wouldn’t be so hard for everyone to do and understand.
I mean if you respectfully suggest something or give your opinion on a matter and he doesn’t agree or doesn’t want to listen do you yield to his authority in order to be submissive? I mean does submission and him having “authority” and “governance” over you equate to you having to in a way ask for permission or get his approval to do certain things. Take some examples like deciding on which house to buy, what to name your children, what to eat for dinner even…
Your point is interesting Tawana. I haven’t received specific examples of wives submitting to their husbands either. I know this may be a weird idea, but look at the Cosby Show and how ‘Claire’ and ‘Cliff’ work through disagreements. I say this because ‘Claire’ is a prime example of the New Age Woman (great career, nice family, nice property, etc.) and her husband is neck-to-neck with her. The show portrays this married couple in a very loving light, although many black folks criticized the show for being “too perfect”. Regardless, it’s the kind of marriage I think we’d all love to have.
Submitting does not mean that you are not entitled to an opionion and it does not mean that you have to have your husbands imput on minor dsetails like what to cook for dinner. I take submission to mean that you let your husband decide the direction that the family should go. Wives can respectfully give their opinions and most times a husband that is truly loving his wife will ask her opinion on major issues, but in the end the decisions are up to him even if we have a differing opinion. Even decisions about the childrens are up to the husband. The bible tells husbands to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.(Eph 6:4). As the wife it is our job to help our husbands impliment the plan that he has for the family. And b/c our husbands are human they will make mistakes and wrong choices. But we need to make their mistakes easy to correct. We should just continue to trust their judgement and not throw their mistakes in their face b/c love keeps no record of wrong (1 Cor 13:5). As far as your husband goes throwing submission in your face is not right b/c it is his job to love you as Christ loved the church. but that does not make it your job to make him stop b/c this will only lead to conflict the same way a husbands trying to make a wife submit leads to conflict. You should just do your part and submit to him and pray and know that the spirit of God will touch him and will love you the way he should and God will direct him in the direction to lead your family.
I just got married about four months ago and have recently read a book called, “The Strong-Willed Wife”, which is about submission…very good for me, because I was NOT doing it! Now I know that if I want to honor God, I’ve got to follow His word and His word (not my hubby) says to submit.
Harriet, this is very good. I especially like your comment on Misconception #5.
Hi, Im a old guy whos been married twice – my first wife died several years ago.
My first wife was biblically submissive/respectful and was always a joy to be around. My current wife argues with me in a disrespectful tone of voice (like Im the stupidest human being on the planet) even if all I do is make a simple statement of undeniable fact – “Its windy.†Believe me, ladies, there is truth in Proverbs 21:9. Its hard being a servant leader when the object of your focus will not accept your service nor will she follow when necessary.
My first comment about submission is that it doesnt mean being a doormat. There are many women in Scripture who are models of biblical submission. They were all smart, proactive women. Study them to find out how a submissive woman relates to those around her. Here is a list of names to consider. Read their stories and study their character traits. Im sure there are others but Im just working off the top of my head: Abigail, Ruth, Esther, the “Proverbs 31 Womanâ€, the Shulamite, and Mary, mother of Jesus.
Let me mention Sarah as a special case. She is recorded as calling her husband “lord†(1Pet 3:3-6; Ge 18:12). The Genesis verse also records her as looking forward to once again receiving pleasure from Abraham, her lord. Some have said that she is looking forward to the pleasure of holding her child (heaven forbid that a woman in the Bible should eagerly look forward to having sexual pleasure) but read the words that are there. Ladies, do you want a self-confident man, a manly man, a man who would give his life to protect yours, one who would do almost anything for you? Then give him the respect he craves (You might even try calling him ‘my lord on occasion – and watch him get taller right before your eyes), be a strong but biblically submissive wife, and be his eager lover.
Some other examples of engagingly submissive wives from the movies:
Deborah Kerr as Ida Carmody in The Sundowners. She gently tells her teenage son that if he forced her to make a decision, she would choose his father every time. And other displays of respect toward a sometimes not-so-respectable husband.
Laura Linney as Abagail Adams in the PBS series, John Adams. She respectfully and intelligently gives her opinion to her husband even when she disagrees with what he thinks. She leaves him to make up his own mind (and to make his own mistakes) without badgering or nagging.
Elizabeth Mitchell as Juliet Burke on Lost – Especially after she became Sawyers “wife†in the last season. But watch the character interact with any man she is involved with.
Elizabeth Mitchell again as Julia ‘Jules Sullivan in Frequency. She is playful, respectful, and takes care of her husbands needs, building him up at every opportunity.
Elizabeth Taylor as Katharina with Richard Burton in The Taming of the Shrew. Pay attention to the last scene where she comes, very publicly, after he summons her. Listen to her speech. Theres not a normal man in the world who wouldnt love his wife above all others and treat her as the queen of his life if he heard similar words coming out of her mouth.
If you women dont want to make your men into MEN by treating them biblically, then dont marry. If you are married already, then get with it. I think youll find it will be a win-win situation.
Men have a different and more burdensome set of responsibilities, but thats for another post. You might try talking with him about it.
God bless
These are all great examples and details that I think can help any marriage. I would just like to add that submission ladies, does not mean “obey”. Marriage is not a father-daughter relationship. You as a wife, have the right to voice your opinions and your desires within your marriage and household. Your husband is the head of the household but he is not the one charged with guiding the household….that is our duty as wives. We are to listen and respect our husbands. If we put on a meek and gentle spirit and let the Holy Spirit guide us in our conversations, there is nothing that our husbands won’t do. I am a young bride (34years young) and a mother of two teenage daughters. I have been married to my husband for 16 years. The one thing I’ve learned is how to shut my mouth and pray. I spent the first several years tearing my husband down becuase I wanted to be the “strong, independent, black wife”. The bible doesn’t say anything about being independent. It says to “leave and cleave” that means to become dependent on one another. You don’t always have to be right. You don’t always have to correct your husband when he’s wrong. You don’t always have to have the last word. You don’t always have to have things spelled out to a T properly. Ladies, you leave your mothers house to go into your husbands house. Your momma can no longer dictate what’s going on in your world. You are the queen of your own castle. Submit (honor, respect, love, trust) to your king. Men, you leave your mothers house to setup your own house with your wife. Your momma no longer gets access anytime she wants and she definitely is not the queen in your newfound dynasty. Learn to depend on one another, build each other up with words and acts of affection. This world is willing enough to tear down and destroy everything you’ve built. Do not become the bulldozer in your relationship. Men are simple: Love him, encourage him, support him and take care of what you’ve built together (home, children, sexual relationship). Keeping God first along with the above, I guarantee a long, fulfilling marriage for years to come. With Love from Above~T
Tawana,
As a christian woman I have often questioned God and myself of what does this wor “submission” really mean in a marriage. Does it mean that I allow my husband to control my every movement, thought, or decisions? No it does not. In essence it means to allow your husband to be the caretaker – the head of the household like Christ is the head of the church. It means that you should put your husband second, as Christ is always first in our lives. My husband and I have discussed this topic many times over our 11years of marriage and he fully understands that we do not control each other but we do sit down and make decisions toghether and we do not go over each other heads as we have respect for one another’s opinion.
Submission does not mean to lay down and be a doormat but instead you are treat your husband with respect and love him unconditionally. It also means that you are to take care of his “human” needs and this is a requirement of hte wife. So when you say you are tired and that man has a need to be fulfilled – it is your duty as a wife to fulfill that need. That is where submission really comes into play.
Hope this provides some clarity for you.
All the above comments are interesting. I am single, not married. What I have found interesting are the comments about being an ‘eager lover’ and giving sexually even when you are ‘tired’ as one comment earlier suggested. I am not sure about that aspect. I look forward to reading the husbands role because a womans sexual response especially within a marriage has a lot to do with the warmth, love and intimacy recieved or expressed by a husband to his wife. It is a two way thing. A woman also needs to feel satisfied sexually…people often forget that. Sexual needs dont only apply to men. Overall thought provoking post.
I think intimacy is such a holistic thing. I agree with you: it’s hard to have sexual intimacy if the social, intellectual and emotional parts of marriage go neglected. At least I know that to be true for myself as a woman.
More to follow on that. I’m already drafting an article that will cover a few lessons I recently learned about intimacy. Stay tuned!
I look forward to reading it. As a young single christian, I am not planning to get married at all. Having said that, I dont think only a man needs to be satisfied sexually in a marriage and often that is where the emphasis lies otherwise you are fed the line that your husband will (inevitably and understandably if you are ‘witholding’ or sparing with sex) find someone who will fulfill those needs. Quite often if sex were thought of as mutual i.e. both need and should be satisfied. A caring and senstive act can bond a husband and wife. As young as I am I hear older people speak of sex within marriage as something the woman must work on in order to please and serve her husband. I find this a difficult concept to accept maybe because of my age etc, but both persons must be unselfish and attentive. Just my thoughts really…
No, Sweetie, you aren’t tripping! There’s a very one-sided teaching in the “marriage education” world about sex. Often overlooked is the reciprocity of sex. Women are never to be the sex slaves of their husbands, just as husbands are never to seek outside sexual fulfillment. Period. Also, nobody discusses (at length) the complexities of a wife’s libido being higher than the husband’s. You are correct in thinking that sex should be mutual, just as every other part of marriage should be – it’s about the pair doing their best to fulfill each others (both the husband’s and the wife’s) needs and even a few wants and desires.
Yes I was thinking just that, it is always assumed that women ahve low libidos and a general disinterest in sex. The main purpose of it is not JUST to please your husband. There are husbands who are selfish and do not even seek to please their wives. When they ahve a low libido (for various legitimate reasons) a wife is expected to be understanding and help him work through it. When it is the other way round, the wife is somehow frigid (I hate to use that term) or being manipulative (maybe using it as a bargaining tool) which is not always the case.
@Harriet: It would be interesting for there to be information about sex within marriage if you are a virgin. I am young and ‘modern’ so I have had basic sex education further than that I dont have any experience (obviously) so I would not even know what to say or talk about during courtship when those kind of confidential matters have to be discussed. Thats just a side point there….I dont know whether you have come across anything related. On that topic many of my christian female friends who ahve married have needed time as it were to adjust to a sexual relationship within marriage with a husband who was or wasnt a virgin. It seem to me that it is not that easy to adjust to a sexual relationship anyway so both people may need patience, understanding and genuine love from their partner to be able to fully open up and express themseles sexually. Those are jsut a few of my thoughts anyway….I think probably the idea of having sex if I got married makes me nervous because I would t want to displease a husband or for him to be dissatisfied because I wasnt good enough. That would not make me feel good. ‘m not sure if any of the above makes any sense at all…but there it is.
Concrete examples:
When we’re looking to purchase a big-ticket item, we come together with research & lengthy, detailed, logical discussion, both having evaluated the choices. And if it’s big enough, we discuss it some more. He makes a decision, based on what he feels is best after all this. My hunny and I have done this on cars, our house, and large appliances.
My MIL gave us a her sofa set (his family rotates these with Granny getting the actual new one, and everyone else playing sofa shuffle using her old one as the starting point). I come home and he has thrown out the old one that we’d long been making plans to have re-upholstered since it was old, solid & had a full size sofa bed. I still get a lil miffed thinking of it, but I don’t make a big stink because he’s the head. LOL
He handles the budget. I don’t bother with the monthly details of payments because every year or so, we sit down together and write out our financial plan. We write out what debts to pay off first, and how that will happen (extra paychecks, money from the side business, etc), and what debt to pay off next with the “extra” payments once the first is paid, and so on. Also on this is a prioritized list of home improvements we plan to make. Whenever it’s time for a new Plan, we find that despite not looking at it often, we have managed to accomplish much of it. However if there are things that come up suddenly, he handles it and tells me about it when I get home.
Sometimes he makes decisions that are relatively big completely without me. Being submissive, I may immediately voice my concerns, but must never go to “I told you so” if it doesn’t work out the way he intended. Also, being submissive doesn’t always allow for back-up plans to his plans… I simply trust that God will provide a good resolution if his plan falls through. His loving me means that even if he doesn’t consult me on a decision, he bases his choice on what he feels is best for our family and what has learned about me over the years.
We keep each other accountable spiritually – discussing concerns and struggles (prayer requests) and joys (praise reports). We even tell each other of others that we may have found attractive, or that hit on us. We also have developed a “method” of confiding in each other as “friends not spouse” when things get really heated where the hearer must respond as a “friend not spouse” also. We both agree that honesty satisfies the requirement of both submission and love. 😀
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