We had so much fun last week we’re still going to run classic BMWK posts in addition to our regular content to celebrate our one year anniversary on Blackandmarriedwithkids.com for a little while longer. Original post date: May 29, 2008.
On Monday, Will Smith told talk show host Ellen Degeneres that one of the reason’s that he and Jada were able to stay married for so long (10 years and counting) is that divorce is not an option for his marriage. Will stated:
Her View – I think it is all about attitude and your state of mind. Like Will states, if we are going to be together, then we should be happy. If you really believe that divorce is not an option for your marriage, then you will do what it takes to make sure that your marriage is happy. You will be willing to work on it.. even during the most difficult of times. So it’s more than just saying the words”....it is also living it. You can say the words all you want..but if you are being abusive or if you are cheating and you are doing these things repeatedly“...then your actions show that divorce is an option.
Personally, I believe that divorce is not an option for my marriage. But deep down, I know there are some things that I feel are unacceptable.
His View – I’m down with this statement and generally apply it in my marriage. Of course if someone were to really abuse you and the relationship you need to get up out of there but in general divorce is not an option. Really I think that if everyone kept that in mind there would be less cases of divorce. I personally think in today’s society divorce is an easy way out of not working on your marriage, on your communication and on your commitment. Even when TheMom gets on my last nerve I just whisper to myself “... “TheDad, divorce is not an option” sike I’m just kidding with that one yall, just a jokey joke don’t tell TheMom. But back on a serious note I went into our marriage with that thinking and hold onto it still.
BMWK Family – Is it reasonable or even feasible to say divorce is not an option? Are there certain situations where divorce would be a better option than staying married? Do you believe that divorce is not an option for your marriage? Does this mean divorce is not an option no matter what happens in the marriage?
I agree that in a marriage divorce should not be an option. The Bible says that God frowns on divorce except in the case of adultery or if an unbelieving spouse wants to get a divorce.
The problem is that people dont know what love is. It is not just some feeling to fall in and out of. The closer you get to a person the more magnified their faults are and marriage is the closest relationship. So after that honeymoon phase you really begin to see who your spouse is and isn’t and it aint always pretty. But thats where real love comes into play. we are to love in spite of each others faults, just the way God loves us. Even in the case of adultery we should do everything we possibly can to save the marriage.
When we are faced with situations where there is no way out we tend to make the best of it. But When you give yourself options you give yourself a way out. So instead of working on our marriages because we’re in it for life, we give a little and are ready to leave when it no longer feels good.
FORGIVENESS (no grudges, no bringing up the past, laying aside your pride, slow to anger, quick to reconcile),Committment, Communication, flexibility, perseverance, trust.
If each person would commit themselves to the above virtues instead of focusing on the shortcomings of their spouse, then the marriage would flourish.
I definitely agree that divorce should not be an option (unless abuse, pedophilia or adultery is involved). I agree with TheDad on his point that these days divorce is an easy out. Irreconcilable differences is the cop out a lot of couples are using. But when it comes down to it, a marriage shouldn’t be seen as a mere contract. There is the possibility that children will be birthed and businesses created. It’s a beautiful thing IF entered into with a sober mindset. If folks are getting married willy nilly, like “happily ever after” doesn’t take work, then it’s a guarantee that the divorce rate will continue to rise. It takes a LOT of work to stay together…whether times are good or bad; happy or sad. LOL
My friends look at my marriage and say, “Oh, man, I want to get married too!” And I look at them like they’re crazy. LOL.
Being married is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because this is it. I looked at my husband and decided that he was the one I was going to be with. Forsaking EVERY OTHER MAN ON THE PLANET. WHEW. OH MY.
It’s a lot of work and I don’t consider divorce to be an option. I can’t stand that “ireconcilable differences” stuff. Don’t we all have irreconilable differences? My husband is quiet and I like to talk. That will never change. That is an irreconilable difference, isn’t it? LOL.
Tara
https://theyoungmommylife.com
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Guest post at RichSingleMomma!
My husband and I have the reverse thinking on this. Most people find it confusing, but it works for us. We believe that divorce is an option and we believe it to be so much of an option that it keeps us in line. My friend summed it up as this: Instead of a guy doing the wrong thing thinking that all his girl gonna do is fuss he thinks “Let me do what I know I should because she don’t play that and she will leave.” It seems kind of crazy and backwards but it works for us. I believe that life is too short to be unhappy so if you’re perennially unhappy in your marriage, it may be time to move around. I don’t want my husband to stay with me just because he took vows and vice versa. Now with that being said, we’ve both made a committment to each other and God to be together through thick and thin. So our relationship will not go down without a fight and we won’t throw in the towel until we’ve literally exhausted every single option.
Marriage is going to be the ultimate test for me because I don’t understand remaining in a situation that isn’t mutually beneficial – just being honest. While I don’t expect this union to be perfect, I also don’t expect to feel trapped. My desire is for us to care enought to keep things lively and enjoyable. But I think we are focusing too much on legally divorcing your spouse…what about those who just choose to live separate lives after a certain point…all hope and desire for reconciliation has passed yet they are still “married”. There has to be a mental aspect to marriage as well in order to stay motivated to continue as one.
The wife and I like watching foriegn films. We recently watched one about an American whose job was outsourced to India and he had to go to India and train his replacemnt. To make a long story short there was a scene in the movie where him and his Indian love interest had a disagreement regarding marriage philosphies.
He thought her culture was dumb for having arranged marriages. He thought they should be free to pick their own mates like Americans. She thought his culture was dumb because, even with the freedom to choose, 50% of marriages still end in divorce.
The point is in countries where people are forced to marry they still make it work. And we struggle to make it work and we have the freedom to choose our mates. The problem isn’t the institution of marriage. The problem is some of the people who participate in it.
Outside of physical abuse divorce should never be an option.
I loved Will’s statement on marriage. I think too many couples just give up on the relationship when times get tough. But I think this statement should apply to those couples who truly feel that they are meant to be together.
God bless Will and Jada’s relationship because their marriage is hope for Hollywood, African-Americans, and couples eveywhere.
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Wow @ T.Rogers! That is profound!
I never really looked at the union of marriage from that perspective. I think if more people did then they would be in less of a rush to jump the broom with the first person that physically attracts them.
Me and my husband waited 12 years to make that commitment. I had a few hangups that I needed to work out as well as we both wanted to know that the other could weather the storm and stay commited to each other. Because we didn’t listen to family and friends try to convince us that we needed to rush and get married we chose to take our time. Throuout the years we traveled and fully enjoyed each other so there was no need for a long drawn out engagement, period! We woke up one beautiful morning and came to the conclusion that we were now ready to marry. It was exactly 3 months to the day that our first son was born. We went to the court house, filed for our marriage certificate and married the very next week. In our case there were no outside forces telling us what to do next. I think because we made the decisions together we are both more invested in our union.
Marriage is a priviledge not a right.When I married my beautiful wife,the first few months were strickly love bliss,but as time passed,I questioned myself about sharing”ALL OF MYSELF” to one individual.I had to gradually in time learn to respect God first,for blessing me with a woman who is willing to put up with my mood swings as a man,and second,I had to respect her for being the woman she is and not the woman”I”wanted her to be,but without God as the head of your marriage,it was doomed from the start.Also,I had to learn how to give and give “NOT”give and take.So make sure that’s what works for you.Marriage is compromise,not dramatize.
@ Clayster,
I agree with you 100% about God being at the head of a marriage. However, how do you explain the disparity in the numbers between the Christian rate of divorce and the non-Christian rate of divorce? Unfortunately, Christians are getting divorced at an even greater rate than others.
I personally think that God is driven by principle, whether the person working the principle acknowledges Him or not. Otherwise, how can you explain Oprah’s New Age “church” and her constantly being multiplied in business? She works the principle of giving…she just gives multiple “gods” the credit.
The same applies to marriage. Whether God is acknowledged or not, if we work His principles outlined in our marriages, they will flourish. The only difference between a “saved” and “unsaved” marriage is that one will glorify God in it, and the other won’t.
Oh, and the eternal destination is a huge difference as well. LOL Personally, I want heaven on earth AND in heaven! LOL I just have to be willing to consistently work the principles of God to get it both ways.
Happily ever after is possible, but each party must be willing to put in the work to get to it.
when you have a lot of money you can make all kinds of statements and that really sound good, but you and i know that if you don’t have any money then you don’t have a honey. if i am broke and have a loser husband i will not stay with him because of honor he will have to hit the road jack.will smith on the other hand if he did not have any money then jada would look at those ears and say, all of these cloned kids, exwife breathing down my neck, those freash prince reruns and you cry at the drop of a hat, you gotta go brother man.
For the above comment, I have to say, that’s some straight BULL. Money doesn’t make a person…it only magnifies who they already are. So if a person is a “loser husband,” that person is not going to change the root of himself just because he has some extra folding money in his pocket.
In reality, Will and Jada (like I know them…calling them by their first name and thang) actually make one another better. Jada’s choice in acting roles has not been all that great (Woo, anybody?), but she’s an awesome business woman, and her creativity is second to none. Will would probably fly away on those ears if her and their children weren’t there to ground him and keep him humble. Their relationship (at least what plays out in the media) is a good example of two successful people balancing each other out and in turn, making one another better.
If it were all about money, then why all the hollywood marriages and subsequent divorces? Why all the “irreconcilable differences?” Your assertion and logic has too many holes in it to actually take seriously.
As a single woman over 30 who wonders if I will ever get married, I love the divorce is not an option statement. I am from the old school my parents have been married 30 yrs and counting and its hard to find somebody that believes in the covenant of marriage. I hope Barack and Michelle can change the perception of marriage and wake up our community so that the black family can continue on.
That said I believe divorce should be the last and final result if at all possible.
well the other anonymous miseed the boat. it does not matter about the money, that will not change the person or the situation but if the money is right you will tolerate some things for the better, take for instance with the rich jerk husband you map out your plan, school, lawyers, boats, cars, trips, lawyers, furs, houses, lawyers i think you get it now. let it work for your advantage. poor man telling you divoice is not an option, you say hit the road jack.
I’m inclined to agree with “The Other Anonymous,” although Anonymous’ point is noted. Daisy and others have said that marriage is a covenant, which it is. I definitely don’t advocate a person being trapped in their marriage, but I also don’t advocate a person going into a marriage with ulterior motives that they can get “school, lawyers, boats, cars, trips, lawyers, furs, houses” from and then when things get inconvenient, you either grin and bear it or commit adultery to satisfy whatever needs aren’t being met.
Marriage is not supposed to be like that. It’s not a contractual leasing agreement or a 5-7 year contract where you’re able to trade it in for a newer model once your contract is up.
With or without money, marriage takes intangibles like communication, respect, love and commitment. If that’s not there, no matter how much or how little a person makes, it’s not going to prosper.
@ Harriet – Its not a contractual leasing agreement or a 5-7 year contract where youre able to trade it in for a newer model once your contract is up.
With or without money, marriage takes intangibles like communication, respect, love and commitment. If thats not there, no matter how much or how little a person makes, its not going to prosper.
PREACH! LOL
Tara
https://theyoungmommylife.com
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Weekly inspiration: Whos your personal cheerleader?
If I had Anonymous’ view, I guess I would be filing divorce papers tomorrow. My hubby was laid off this year, and we are struggling. But knowing with 100% surety that this is the man God has given to me to be my husband, I am here. I am not telling him to hit the road jack.
Who knows what the future holds for us financially? A big mess or maybe we’ll be able to tread water? We have love, commitment, communication (that’s getting better), and faith that God will never leave us nor forsake us. I don’t find the furs, cars, boats, or jewelry to be important to me right now. My marriage and our son, that’s what matters most.
marriage is a conenant but you will not convince me that you will stay in a covenant relationship and be abused. you better wake up. what you are saying sounds good harriet and other anonymous but keep it real when you know you need to leave you will be unwise not to plan your escape. it is like i said before it is times when divoice is the other option and abuse mental or physical is not an option i want. so if the person is poor get out right away, but if they are will smith or jada then that takes some planning.keep it real.