Dear Dr. Buckingham
My husband and I have been married one year and 8 months. We have known each other since high school. Our relationship has been filled with its ups and downs. However I feel that there has been way more downs then ups. We argue a lot and it seems like once we take one step forward that we end up taking 4 steps back and we never end up in the same place again. I am so frustrated at the moment and I am so ready to call it quits.
My husband has a problem lying. I do not know what to do! I am confused because I feel that he does not care about me or love me. How can he if he continuously lie and try to hide things. We have been dealing with his lying for a while. I am trying to make it work! Honestly I am sick of trying. He has gotten a lot better and a lot has changed but the lies continue. He lies about stupid things, small things, and insignificant things. These lies cause arguments that could easily be avoided. I am very frustrated at the moment. I do not know what to do, whether to stay or to go, please advise! Can I Have Peace in a Marriage Filled with Lies?
Frustrated Wife,
Dear Frustrated Wife,
Peace in marriage is found in a couple’s ability to rely on each other, to be trustworthy and to be honest. Lying is never good for any relationship because trust is lost. Whether small or big, lying can quickly lead to distrust and conflict. However, you can restore trust and have peace in your marriage if both you and your husband are willing to do some work.
Here are 4 strategies that you can use to restore peace in your marriage:
Strategy 1 – Explore potential reasons for your husband’s lying. In my professional and personal experience, I have learned that people lie primarily for two reasons: fear or selfishness. Lying occurs out of fear because individuals do not feel safe. If an individual believes that his or her spouse will become aggressive, judgmental or resentful, he or she might convince him or herself that lying is better because they might be able to avoid the harsh reaction. This kind of thinking is illogical because lying makes things worse. However, fear clouds our thinking. Monitor your reaction and make sure that you help create a safe environment, even if the truth might hurt. Help your spouse work through his fear and you can potentially resolve the lying.
Lying also occurs out of selfishness. Some people put their needs before others and lie to get what they want. They might experience some fear, but their primary motive is selfishness. If your husband is lying because he is selfish, you have a different issue. Selfish and self-centered people must do some self-reflection and explore how their lying has impacted their life and relationships. This work is best done with the support of a professional or with someone who will hold the person accountable. Your husband should consider visiting a professional to work through his own issues related to lying. He probably did not start lying after he married you. This could be prolonged behavior.
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