I can dish out some attitude and quite a bit of lip if I feel like it’s necessary. And sure, I can blame it on being born and raised in Brooklyn, New York; but I know darn well I would still be me if I was born and raised in Kentucky. I am who I am.

What has served me well in life, however, is not my sassy attitude, but rather my ability to know when to turn it off.

Related: Your independent attitude may not be so sexy afterall and here’s why

I don’t need to express myself with a tone in my voice or a roll of my eyes. When I express myself in that way, it’s a choice. There’s no question about that.

And despite my sassy temperament and my expertise in catching a ‘tude when needed, I rarely go there with my husband. Being heard is incredibly important to me, and I have come to realize that people rarely hear what you have to say if the way you say it turns them off.

No matter what words are coming out of your mouth, when your eyes are rolling and your tone is condescending, your spouse doesn’t hear anything you have to say. All he hears is your attitude.

How do you know if you are being disrespectful towards your spouse? Well, if you are reading this wondering if it’s going to describe you, that means you either have a concern about how you talk to your husband, or he has expressed his disdain for how you talk to him or treat him.

Keep reading to discover 3 signs that you are either being disrespectful, or just straight up mean, with the man you love.

You’re trying to control what he does.

Controlling behavior is not only disrespectful but it’s a sign that you have your own stuff to work through. If you intentionally married a man who lets you control him, that doesn’t mean your behavior is okay (that just means he needs to work through some stuff, too).

By trying to control what a person does and says, you are expressing a lack of confidence in their ability to make decisions on their own. Furthermore, being controlling can easily move from disrespectful to being mean, depending on how forceful you are about your expectations.

Whether you’ve crossed over into mean status, or you just have an issue trusting the person you married, no good ever comes from trying to control everything another person does.

You’re making major decisions without  even consulting him.

I’m independent myself, so I totally understand and appreciate a woman that just wants to do what she wants to do. However, when you enter a partnership like marriage, your decisions don’t only impact you.

Related: This might be the one simple reason you and your spouse don’t get along.

Also, consulting with your husband is very different than asking for permission. I know.  I don’t ask for permission—ever. But I do talk to my husband before I make a major decision about anything. Out of respect, he should know what I am planning to do and why. It doesn’t mean we will always agree, but respect is not about agreement—it’s about honesty and trust.

You’re yelling at him.

Your tone says a lot more than your words ever will. Raising your voice all the time is a huge sign of disrespect and, honestly, it’s mean. No one wants to be yelled at all the time, and especially not by someone they love.

If yelling is the norm in your marriage, you have to figure out what’s at the root of it and how you can change. It’s really hard to express love and respect when you are using a nasty attitude or an elevated tone that says otherwise.

I’m not implying that raising your voice means you don’t love your husband; but, if you are doing it all the time, it does mean you should learn how to communicate in a much more respectful way.

BMWK family, are you showing your man enough respect?