Most couples enter marriage with a false sense of security. They believe that love will fill all of their empty spaces, erase negative emotions, make their mate telepathic, and protect them from hurt. Simply put, most couples enter marriage believing that love will conquer all. Most newlyweds are rendered temporarily blind by the euphoria of love and starting a new life together.  They become so enamored with the feeling of love, that they forget to set the foundation for their marriage. There are things that all married couples must openly and honestly discuss in order to have a chance at having a healthy thriving relationship.

First, you are married to an individual.

Couples must recognize and understand that they are married to an individual that has completely different thoughts, feelings, desires, and fears that are separate from their own. They must remember that their mate was not placed in their lives to rescue them, fix them, or make them whole. They must acknowledge that their mates are not obligated in any way to be in a committed relationship with them, but instead have consciously chosen to do so.

They must understand that their mate was placed in their lives to be a part of their journey and to add to their already existing happiness. Accepting these realities will help to shift your focus and open you up to loving fearlessly and selflessly. This results in you more often considering your mate’s needs rather than having unrealistic and unhealthy expectations that their sole purpose is to fulfill yours. Realizing that you “get to” have the privilege and honor of loving another individual creates a new level of respect for your mate and the relationship.

Second, couples should create both a vision and mission statement for their relationship.

This will help to lay the foundation for how your relationship will be governed. These statements should include your core beliefs and values as a couple. Couples should establish individual and collective goals that align with the vision and mission statements.  Additionally, couples should establish quarterly performance reviews to evaluate their performance as a wife, husband, and parent, readjust goals as necessary, and recommit to honoring their family’s vision and mission.

Third, you must throw good old convention right in the trash.

Just because your old family model, society, and friends have defined role responsibilities for men and women does not mean those roles will work within the confines of your relationship.  Couples should have honest conversation about the responsibilities they feel they are best suited to assume in the relationship. If he is a better cook and really likes to cook and she can’t boil water; buck the system and assign him the role of family cook. While growing up, he lived in the city and never had to mow a lawn. Conversely, she grew up on a farm plowing fields, planting gardens, and mowing lawns. Well, it makes perfect sense that as a couple you designate her to be the family’s chief yard engineer.

Let her crank the mower and cut the grass for goodness sakes. Whoever is most responsible and accountable with money should handle the finances. If it makes more sense in your family for him to be a stay-at-home dad, then check your ego and allow her to be the sole bread winner. Life is fluid and family dynamics are changing, find what works best for your relationship and do that.