This came from the comments of another post but we felt it warranted it’s on topic:
I am a single father of six children. I have custody of all six(all are from the same mother). Their mother does not support me financially or emotionally. It is stressing and depressing at times. I Find myself tired, losing focus on the job and alone. I work full time and all my free time is devoted to the kids. Co-workers say I do not smile any more. I have taken the first step in getting help, I have contacted my jobs Employee Assistance Program. There are many support groups for single women with kids but I have been unsuccessful in finding a support group for single fathers with kids.
HER VIEW:
You are right, there probably are not many support groups for single fathers with children. You will probably have to search the internet yourself to find support groups or blogs for single fathers. I also think that the support groups with single mothers would be helpful to..as those single mothers could be an excellent resource for you. You have taken a good first step by recognizing that you need help and seeking it. Since you are not married, please turn to your friends, your family, and your church.
In order for you to be the best dad that you can be, you need to focus on your happiness. You need to find a way to have some me time. Some time to focus on your self and your happiness and your well being. We did a post about Overwhelmed Moms that explained that:
“.... busy moms should stop trying to reach perfection and focus more on their happiness, attitude and state of mind. “I think that the first thing we’ve got to do is recognize that especially as mothers, but all of us, our state of mind and our attitude is our most precious gift that we give to each other,” he says. “Every day, we ought to wake up and we ought to say: “˜How is my state of mind today? Am I losing ground?’ If I am, I better address that first because the rest of the stuff I do won’t be worth anything if I’m harried and hassled and in a bad mood.”
That quote applies to any parent, not just moms. But how can you find some free time? Wake-up early before the kids get up. Pray, read the paper, have some coffee, exercise, dream, write down goals, read a book…just use that as me time. You should also get out more often to hang out with your friends. If you don’t have kids that are old enough to watch some of the younger kids, then perhaps you can find a reliable sitter in your area. Sometimes asking people to watch a lot of kids is overwhelming. ….so we will split them up from time to time. We ask a sitter to watch the 2 babies and then our fifteen year-old will watch the six year old.
Also, I don’t know from comment if you are a religious person, but the church is an excellent resource for you and the family. If you don’t have a good church home, I suggest you look into joining a good church family.
HIS VIEW:
Wow I think TheMom hit a lot of it on the head. Like she said try to find a way to get some time for yourself to do something on your own or with your friends. You need to be able to renew and refresh. It will be better not only for you but for the kids also when you return. We always use splitting the kids up as a baby sitting option, it’s too much for us to ask someone to let us drop 4 kids off for the night. Besides what TheMom said also try exercising maybe before the kids get up or maybe reading after they go to sleep (if you’re not sleep with them) just anything to steal some time to focus on yourself and building you up. You definitely should try searching the web for folks in similar situations (everything is on the web) and seeking out help from a church or your local government. If they don’t have a program normally they can direct you to one. Also you may want to consider blogging, if you can’t find a place on the net that has your situation create one. Then the people will come to you instead of you going to them. Blogging can be great therapy and we definitely learn a lot from the relationships we have with our readers.
BMWK family, chime in and let this great dad know what you think about his situation and what he can do to get his groove back.
To find that single dad support youre looking for, you may have to initiate it by starting a support group. When I was looking for single mom support groups online, I couldnt find anything beyond how to collect child support or date after divorce. That made me upset, because our interests and needs go beyond those things.
So, I started blogging…about life. I go to other single mom blogs and its all about the kids and/or dating. We feel guilty if we dare think or talk about anything else. Been there, done all of that. But, Ive now learned how to have a life apart from my kids. And, Im not ashamed to talk about it on my blog.
Here are some online support groups for single dads:
https://www.just4dads.org
https://www.diyfather.com/directories/global-fathers-support-group-directory
Hope this helps.
i’m a single dad of three, although my caregiving arrangements with my ex-wife are such that i have the children during the week and she gets them on weekends. i often wonder what i would do if i didn’t have the “me time” on the weekends to recharge. i already struggle greatly with depression & alcoholism. i blog about it and receive support from my readers. i encourage you, if you can afford it, to get a mental health evaluation and consider treatment for depression, which can include individual/group counseling and effective medicine.
Good luck. Parenting is absolutely a two-person job.
This is a great post, especially during the Holiday Season. In reading this the first thing that came to mind was Lisa Marie’s comment. If you can’t find one start one. Have your church put a notcie in their next bulletin for a support group for men. It can’t hurt and if the church sees there is a need they will find a way to provide. Check with a local library to see if they have a room that can be used once a week. If ones mental health is being challenged, all the money in the world is not going to buy it or cure it unless it is addressed. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and I am glad you are asking. Mental health in the black community is so over looked but it is over looked by us feeling embarrassed by the “don’t tell and I hope they don’t ask” taboo.
I can’t believe there are only 4 comments. Come on gang, I truly think if this were a woman talking about raising 6 kids by herself we’d have 20 comments by now. Maybe this is what this great dad was talking about. Help a brother out!
First I applaude the man’s effort. I would urge the brother to see a doctor about the depression issues, I think he is more over whelmed by the situation. I hope there are family members around who might lend a hand with the child rearing. I don’t know the ages of the children, but in family situations all the child need to help. Don’t be afraid to assign household duties to the older children. It may take some time, but in the long run it will prepare them better for their future. On the weekend it might help that all the family get into the kitchen to cook together for the entire week, so all you will have to do is heat meals. Give yourself a break, it’s all a balancing act. Remember to teach your children to put family first and in keeping if one goes down, you all go, kids get it, that they have to pull together to stay together. Also don’t forget to pray together and ask God for your strength, he never fails and never leaves you alone.
@ TheDad,
I honestly don’t know what to say about this situation. My heart bleeds for the gentleman who wrote, as well as for JNez, one of the commenters. But they don’t need sympathy, empathy, pity…they need a solution to the unique challenges they face as single fathers.
I know ONE single father. My husband and I watch his three sons often. We give him his “me time” where he can chill, get some rest and do something as simple as watch a football game with his friends without his children ripping and running around everywhere.
We do what we can do. He’s grateful, but I know it’s not enough, even though it’s all we can do. There is a community of people at the church that do the same to help him out.
One thing I will say is this: it is just as difficult for a father to try to play both parental roles as it is for a mother, if not moreso. When I read this, I did what I do best when I have no words or no answers: I prayed. I lifted him and his children up, especially in a season like this, when “joy to the world” is not the reality for many out there. I prayed that he would not succumb to his depression, either.
It’s a helpless kind of feeling, and I hate to see others go through things like that, especially when I cannot say or do anything to help.
I wish I had an answer as to where to go for help for single fathers. I will have to also lift him up in prayer. I see that being a single mother is hard but a single father is extremely rare and I commend you on that, wether it was intentional or not.
I’ve found a great hang out spot for single parents on I See Color Single moms and dads alike are having some very lively discussions in there. And, surprisingly to me, it’s very non-judgmental.
My post on suicide generated more emails and comments than any other post I’ve done, including a comment on I See Color from the mother of Abraham Biggs, the 19-year-old who committed suicide live on the internet. As a result, I’m working to put a show together on Blog Talk Radio to discuss the topic that many of us, self included, have very little knowledge of or are too ashamed to talk about.
I’ll keep you posted.
Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..Guest post: Ten things I wish Id done before having kids
I do sympathize with the brother on certain things he wrote about being stress,depressed and emotionally it can be draining .I know this because i’m a single parent my self.I personally know that he have family members that are willing and do support him. I know this because i’m one of them.What i suggest to him is that he try to get family counsoling for him and his kids. I also suggest that he get a book and write in it every day soon as he get up and the morning start by thanking god for allowing you to see another day then write down your goals you wish to acomplish that day for you and your kids.Write down the things you want to do to get your self back on track and do it one day at a time.P.S.
I’m hear if you want to ever talk .