We all know the statistics. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC, 2009), close to 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. This means that if four of your siblings, cousins, or friends get married in 2012, only two of their marriages will last. Although we have the statistics, which are staggering and disheartening, we do not know the reason for each divorce. Maybe people are rushing into marriage without being ready. Maybe people aren’t taking their vows seriously. Maybe people aren’t seeking wise counsel to help them through trying times. Or, maybe people are just being trifling. We don’t know, but we shouldn’t assume either.
Unfortunately, divorce happens. Irreconcilable differences do exist. Marriages fail. And sometimes divorce is necessary in order for two people to stay alive, to maintain their health and sanity, and to possibly even protect the children. Of course, this is not God’s ideal. He would have it that a husband and wife stay together until death parts them. Married couples should do everything possible to work out their issues and to build a healthy, fulfilling marriage for everyone involved. For my husband and I, divorce is not even in our vocabulary in terms of our relationship. But there are millions of other couples for which this is not the case.
For them, divorce is traumatic, especially for the spouse who desires to save the marriage, but in particular for the children who need both parents. Many divorcees say divorce is like a death. There is a definite sense of loss that is accompanied by grief. At this very moment, I know people who are going through a divorce and who desperately need support. I’m sure you know someone, too, or maybe even it’s you. I offer these words of encouragement:
- Divorce from a spouse does not mean you are divorced from God. God loves you more than He hates divorce.
- Divorce does not mean defeat. You aren’t a failure just because your marriage failed.
- Divorce does not mean you are the worst sinner in the world. God still has a purpose for your life and He wants to use you.
- Divorce does not mean you won’t love anymore. Maintain your hope in relationships and in true love.
- Divorce does not mean you didn’t try. Most people who divorce try really hard to keep their marriage together. Hold your head high and move forward.
Now here is what divorce does mean. It means you should learn from past mistakes. It means you should evaluate how you contributed to the problems in the relationship. It means you should spend time healing and forgiving before jumping into another relationship. It means you should allow God to put together your next marriage (if marriage is your desire) and lean on Him to see you through life’s trials. Divorce produces wisdom and wounds. Live by the wisdom and allow God to heal the wounds. When you do, you will be able to move forward expecting to live happily ever after, regardless of your marital status.
If you are married, what are you doing to fortify your marriage from divorce? If you are divorced, how are you healing and moving forward?
This is a very good article, I wish it was around when I went through my divorce, yes I was there, and was tore up, and I felt some of the things that were described, but God. I learned from that marriage came out with lots of pain, regrets, but I also came out Wiser and, so I earned some rewards, and I took some blame. In my new marriage I do things a whole lot different, we pray, and seek help when needed, and like my pastor says sometimes a marriage needs maintenance or repairs, and so that’s what we try to keep in mind, we have our moments but we always try to work them out , I am working on me daily, and so is he, were building our foundation on the word of God and we have placed our lives in his hands, so ladies and gentleman thank God for these articles read them find yourself in them and try to apply them to your marriage. Pray for marriages not just people you know everyone, thanks and God Bless.
Thank you for sharing. Their is a strategic attack from the enemy on marriages because if the enemy destroys the marriage, then he knows it could destroy the family. I continously pray and uplift all marriages that God has ordained, even if I don’t know the couples personally. The bible says that what God has brought together let no man put asunder!
*there*
Sounds like you are living with the wisdom and are allowing God to heal your wounds. Good for you.
Thanks Dr. Michelle for the words of encouragement. My brother just filed for divorce a couple of days ago from his wife of 14 years and they been together for 16 years. Three beautiful neices came from their union (one of which is from my sister-in-law’s previous relationship but I still consider her my neice because she’s been in the family since she was 4 years old). I said that to say my brother has just told me that he feels like a failure. He said that the trust is lost and the love is gone but I tried to tell him that if you put God in your marriage he will help you and your wife get through the trying times. He also told me that he feels like pride and his ego made him go through with filing the divorce because he felt like there was nothing more that he could do but I told him don’t let those things interefere on your marriage. I told him to cast down his pride and ego and to go take back his wife and family. I will continue to keep him uplifted in prayer. If there is anyone who is reading this that is going through a divorce, or knows someone who is going through a divorce or you are considering filing a divorce, then please stop and take some time to think about this again. I encourage you to fight for your marriage and your children!
My husband and I love helping couples fight for their marriage. It takes a lot of hard work but it is worth it. My prayers are with your brother and his wife and kids.
This was really comforting to me, I am thinking about filing for Divorce from a marriage of 13 yrs and being together for 25 yrs. Question for anyone who has an answer, How do you fight when only one person is willing to fight at the moment?
Niambi i pray that your brother gets it before it’s too late. it’s really easy to let pride get in the way and before you know it everything is crashing down around you. ask him to really evaluate things and how much he really loves his family and how seriously he took his vows because that means everything. i pray that he goes back and gets his family as well.
This article is right on time for me. I am glad to read this perspective, and that “irreconcilable differences do exist”. I am about to separate from my husband, and more than likely divorce following. I did not want this, but I felt there was nothing else I could do, to keep peace of mind. As I write this, I still wish my marriage could work, but it takes two, and my husband and I don’t see things the same. My only prayer is for God’s will to be done, whichever it is.
Yes, I pray that God’s will is done in your marriage as well.
Thank you
WaterLove i completely understand what you’re feeling. it’s taken me many years and heartache to learn that you can’t love enough for the both of you and fight for your marriage on your own. these feelings have to be mutual. he has to see that he needs to fight for you like you’ve been fighting for him otherwise it’s a waste of energy, emotion, and time. sometimes we keep up this fight out of fear of the unknown or simply because we’re told to do this is. and if we took our vow seriously we should, but we have to learn when enough is enough and move on because this means God has something better for you. when your conscience is clear and you know you tried all you reasonably could then you know God has called you to peace.
wow this is my story as well Im filing today for a legal seperation/ limited divorce in the state of Md. my husband became distant after the death of a very close family member but I noticed the disconnect from me as well my dicernment kicked in and I pressured him to talk and he stated he had no more resoect for the marraige and stareted magnifying the things I didnt do as a wife buI found this all of the sudden instances strange so I began to investigate and low and behold he was having an affair with an ex gf. I was devasted as he was so low as to try and point out all my faults to justify himself after 17 yrs together and 11 yrs of marraige and 2 beautiful children. I tried every thing I could humanly do to save my marraige but I was the only one , I fasted, prayed, praised,beg etc.. trying to save our marraige and family, I finally surrendered to GOD and put it in his hand and Ive decided to move on for my sanity, health( have an auto immune disesese thats in remission and I want it to stay that way my kids need me!! This decision was very diffucult to reach but I know Ive done all I can so it is well with my soul!!! PRAYERS please as I encounter a new life ans Im definately trying to forgive and move on because I know I will be married again because I serve an awesome GOD!!!!
Love your article! You have touched on alot of things that divorcee feel. I had a lady to come ask me if she divorced her husband would she go to hell. She said that a friend told her that. I was shocked. Some many people have a misconception about divorce. Although we know God does not like divorce, but sometimes staying will do more harm than good. I believe God understands that. God is love. So, I’m sure he wants all believers to be loved as he loved the church.
Yes, there are a lot of misconceptions. We should all strive to stay married, in good times and in bad times, but some times can be dangerous and just downright wrong. Thanks for reading.
Your welcome! Really enjoyed it!
OMG! Your last paragraph is really on point! I have a girlfriend that has been divorced twice. Before the ink is dry she has already moved on into a next relationship. I told her the same things you have listed in your last paragraph and did not listen. So, at this point I’m just praying for her.
That’s really unfortunate. We must learn and do better. And we can’t take God’s forgiveness for granted.
Niambi my prayers for your brother and sister in law are going up. I understand how your brother may feel in regard to ego/pride as my hubby appears to be letting his ego/pride/grim feelings take precedence over the love in our hearts. Hopefully him acknowledging this about himself and you speaking life to his actions and praying on his ego/pride will change some things. I pray that their bond be strengthened and they unite in a healthier manner. Trust is hard to be restored but God is able. Keep praying and so will I.
Thank you. I will keep your marriage uplifted in prayer also.
I am learning to reach out for support. Marriages die in isolation. Husbands and wives need friends as well. I know therapy is an evil word in the black community, but we have got to get past that and seek help when we need it. We don’t have to white-knuckle it in the dark.
So true. Therapy should be embraced. Great point!
Well said Niambi….
I pray God sees their heart and make a way where there is no way.
He said we should call upon him and he will answer us.
Jeremiah 29 vs 11-12.
Please keep the faith as there is nothing God cannot do. He is the beginning and the end. He is the one that changes things but does not CHANGE.
I believe in power of a fervent prayer and I join my faith with as many that are going through this situation that the grace that surpasses all understanding God will give to each couple. He will grant your heart desires according to his will. AMEN. READ PSALM 20.
Continue believing, praying, giving, loving and sharing. HE IS REAL.
Great article/advice btw…..
My husband and I are currently seperated. I am living alone and he has moved on to another relationship. The subject of divorce has came up, but never materialized. Many awful things were said and done during the marriage that can never be taken back. I still love my husband and want to work on fixing our marriage, but my husband does not feel the same. I feel that I am beating my head against a brick wall trying to convince my husband to give our marriage another chance. I don’t know what to do any more.
Kathy
Kathy what i posted for WaterLove i meant to post for you. i’m learning (notice i didn’t say i learned) from personal experience that once things are said and done that are so serious that cannot be taken back it means it’s time to move on. No one can tell you (and i personally wouldn’t) to give up on your marriage but only you can decide when enough is enough. it’s okay to love your husband because as his wife you should, but if he’s moved on to another relationship and he’s still married to you he’s showing you that he doesn’t love you. he’s showing you (as well as himself) complete disrespect. you don’t need him to say the words because he’s showing it. this is hard, believe me when i tell you i know this, but you need to leave him to whatever this is he thinks he wants, because anyone who does this to the person they exchanged vows with is not worth the pain and sadness. and that person getting in involved with him like that will get that and some in the end. the fact that you’re willing to fight for your marriage when he’s not says that there is something out there so much better for you, but you have to get through this heartache to get over it and get to it.
I got divorced in 2000 after 19 years of marriage and 4 children. My ex-wife is the one who filed while I was doing all that I could to make the marriage work. It took a voice of God to tell me to let this go because I have something better for you!! Once I did that, my life got much better. I did suffer through some things (falsely accused of domestic battery, spent a night in jail) but in the end, I found true love and got married again on Sweetest Day, October 15, 2005 to someone who loves me for me.
Divorce is not an end but can be a beginning…a new beginning!!
This article was literally an answer to my prayers. My divorce was finalized on 1/5/12 and despite knowing I did the best I could in my marriage, I could not shake the feeling of failure or that of disappointing God. Thank you for this article!
WOW!! POWERFUL ARTICLE, I WENT THROUGH THE PAIN OF DIVORCE, AND I LEARNED SOME GREAT THINGS ABOUT MYSELF, I AM STRONGER THAN I THOUGHT I WAS, AND I ALSO LEARNED WHAT LOVE REALLY MEANS, I HAVE FORGIVEN MYSELF AND MY XWIFE, I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM THE THING THAT WAS USED AS A WEAPON AGAINST ME, TO TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE THE WAY GOD WHATS US TO LOVE, MARRIAGE IS NOT A PRISON, IT IS A GIFT FROM GOD TO MAN & WOMAN, TO SHARE IN LOVE AND PEACE TOGETHER, AND IN ORDER FOR IT TO WORK BOTH PARTNERS MUST BE WILLING TO STAND TOGETHER, AND THE OTHER THING I LEARNED IS THE GIFT OF GOODBYE, BECAUSE IT BRINGS PEACE, AND YOU CAN CONTINUE TO LOVE, TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!
I found this article helpful. I got divorced after about seven years of marriage. A little over a year of that was spent being separated. During that time, I spent the three months feeling devistated — part of that in therapy. I spent the next three months attempting to reconcile. The remainder I spent dating other people and kinda put the possibility of re-marriage out of my mind. I also attended a group therapy called Unconditional Forgiveness which helped me to purge some of my negative feelings in a supportive environment. Eventually, I met my current wife and I got married (a few years after the divorce was finalized). However, despite the steps I took to try and move-on in a healthy way, i really had no concept of how long it would take for my feelings of having failed to go away. Despite having gone to pre-marital counseling the first time and being called “the best couple” our pastor had ever seen, that marriage ended in divorce. Despite their being no infidelity, that marriage ended in divorce. My takeaway ended up being that I needed to focus on myself and as I got better I would be more attractive, I would have more to share, I could provide more and any relationship would be the by-product of my inner work. It became my working theory that relationships really depend on how much respect a woman has for a man and can only be gained from the inner work that a man must do. In other words, a successful relationship with a woman is the fruit of what a man has done and is doing for himself. Also, marriages are fragile. I wholeheartedly believed in for better or for worse and for richer or for poorer, but in reality in good times marriage thive easily and in bad times marriages become brittle and often break. Marriages/relationships go through commonly known cycles (7 year, 11 year. etc.) where women and/or men start contemplating whether the relationship still has a future. So I think its important for a man to protect the marriage from both the external and internal forces that can compromise the marriage. In retrospect, there are probably some choices I could have made in my previous marriage prior to its dissolution that could have saved it, but you only can act on the best information that you have at any given time and its hard for your marriage to get new information if marriage is cut-off from support. But whatever I learned from the experience, I try to apply it to the present. My only advice to someone would be to make sure you plan more and plan to have fun more, so your marriage will always have a healthy looking future. A healthy future is something you can look forward to and can be a simple as looking forward to coming home after a rough day at work. On the other hand, you can dread going home because of what you fear is there waiting for you, so you work longer hours, stop off at the bar, or in the reason that will keep you away. And if someone says they’re “tired” in the relationship or that the relationships is “too much work”, that’s a good sign that the relationship is going to take a turn for the worst real quick.
This was and excellent post
I love this article… I’ve been divorced coming up on 3 years in March and I feel as though I have learned so much about myself good and bad from that experience. I am currently in a relationship and he is a wonderful man to not only me but my three children I had with my ex. We are seriously contemplating on getting married in the future and at times I ask myself questions like “am I ready” should I wait longer?” Unfortunately my ex and I dragged three beautiful young souls through our divorce and they still are healing. My ex and I do not co-parent or communicate partly because I don’t think he has healed and only masked his healing by jumping into another marriage and having a child… so every time he sees me or talks to me it takes him right back to square one, so he’d rather not talk at all… at any rate my children tend to suffer because of his lack of communication..how do you deal with the immaturity in all of this and still move on with my new love and life? Is it better just to ignore the behavior and pray for the best? That’s what I’ve been doing and nada…
I just want to say thay this article touched my soul. I’m happy to know that I am not the only person who is contemplating divorce. I am 31 and I feel like I have done absolutely everything to keep my marriage together. I think my husband was not ready and he stills wants to live the single life while getting the benefits of being married. I am encouraged by reading some of the responses that I can fall in love after this. Thank you again for this.
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