We have three daughters who sometimes get moody. When they get moody they get shady. Especially when it comes to doling out affection to those close by like us our even their grandparents. If they haven’t seen them for a while we’ll tell them to give them a hug anyway. To me it shows a sign of respect that you can’t just act “funny” whenever you want because they sure wouldn’t want that feeling returned to them.
CNN writer Katia Hunter doesn’t feel the same.
From CNN:
My daughter occasionally goes on a hugging and kissing strike.
She’s 4. Her parents could get a hug or a kiss, but many people who know her cannot, at least right now. And I won’t make her.
“I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won’t make you do it,” I told her recently.
I figure her body is actually hers, not mine.
The article goes on further to link you forcing your child to give hugs and affection with opening them up to sexual abuse. It then states that there’s no difference between forcing your child to kiss grandma and wanting your daughter to have sex just to make her boyfriend happy. [Blank Stare]
I don’t make or want my kids hugging everyone that they meet on the street but their grandparents… c’mon yall. I think this article is reaching just a lil bit but we’re not here for me, we’re here for the people and your opinions. Please leave us a comment letting us know where you stand on this issue. We would love to hear your point of view.
BMWK check out the article and then let us know where you stand on this. Do you make your kids give affection to grandparents or close relatives when they don’t want to? Does having them do this open them up to sexual abuse?
I understand that children should not be made to give hugs and kisses to everyone , but are we teaching our children to be rude. I believe we should use discretion and wisdom but not get crazy about a child being rude to an elder person. Using wisdom is the key to solving most of those problems, kids have discernment and are able to sense when something is not right with an individual. Let them choose, but make them be respectful. Let’s not make an issue out of everything, I don’t condone children sitting on everyone’s lap or showing other signs of affection , but wisdom should be used in all cases. We as parents and educators have to continue to pay attention and be alert with any person who are children are around it doesn’t only mean senior relatives.
I think the key is to use wisdom like you said Stephanie. You’re not telling them to love upon everyone.
As a blanket rule, I don’t negotiate with someone who pees themselves on a regular basis and feels no shame about it. It’s your job to tell them who to hug and it’s your job to protect them from predators. Terrible.
Stephanie is right. I see kids being flat out disrespectful to adults by not shaking hands or saying hello all of the time. Inmates are running the asylum.
Great point Phil!
Unfortunately, I make my kids hug their grandparents. They don’t see them often, and I want my parents to not feel worse than they already do by allowing the kids to snub them. I respect that their bodies are their own, but its just a 2 second gesture that means so much to the grandparents.
Thanks for commenting Sheree and I don’t think it’s unfortunate at all. Everytime a kid doesn’t want to do something it’s not just because they have a bad feeling or sixth sense. Sometimes they just don’t know better and it’s our job to teach them.
I totally agree, I have a four year old that I’m dealing with this issue. I at times make her hug or speak to people because I don’t want her to think she can be rude whenever she choose to. But I watch and study her so I’ve stopped making her give “family only” hugs but I do make her speak to people we know. Cause it’s a fine line of allowing her to be rude to people and respecting her space and body of refusing to hug people we know. But like the other person said its about using your wisdom.
Yes it is a very fine line. Thanks for commenting Elisha.
What is this thing with senior and sexual abuse? Every person that abuses children aren’t senior citizens. There was awhile ago a senior citizen who was shopping in Barnes & Nobles for a book for his grandchild’s birthday and because a lady felt cause he wasn’t accompanied with a child he was prying on the children that was there. And he was asked to leave by a Barnea &Nobles worker. That to me is bias. Bottom line, we need to educate ourselves Nd use wisdom and be on guard for anybody cause we truly don’t know anybody.
I don’t make my kids hug people, relatives or otherwise, if they don’t want to. They do speak to them, but physical boundaries are something we should respect, no matter how old the kids are. The author of that article might have been reaching a bit, but there’s nothing wrong with what she’s suggesting re: teaching out children about their physical autonomy.
Although I didn’t think I would, I actually agreed with a lot of what was in the article. I think it’s ok to with hold a hug as long as there is some greeting, and I loved the part about prepping your child for visits so they understand what to expect. Honestly, what adult wants a hug from a child who clearly doesn’t want to give one or who is being forced? I can see the connection between forced affection and molestation. Of course no one wants to believe that their closest family members would do that, but it does happen. I do think the part about older daughters feeling compelled to have sex with their boyfriends is a stretch, but that’s all about communication or the lack there of.
The correlation between forced hugs and sexual abuse is a bit of a stretch to me but I never have and never will force my daughter to make physical contact with others. I’ve taught her to be vocal (to me) about what makes her physically uncomfortable and I do not make her feel bad about her choices. While she does not hug her grandpa, she does hug her step-grandmother. When I first noticed this I asked about it and she said “he knows I love him cuz I do a lot of other things to show it so why do I have to hug him when I don’t like to?” That was all I needed to hear! Children are very smart and if we as adults listen to their words and watch their actions, I think we’ll better understand them as individuals without being blindsided by trying to make them into the person we want them to be. I’ve learned that my daughter just is not a very physical person so I don’t make her do things she doesn’t want to do but when she is ready, she is the type of child that will shower you with hugs & kisses all day. How can we expect our children to respect others if we don’t respect who they are becoming as individuals??
As an adult survivior of child molestation, I do not force my children to show affection to anyone (including family) if they do not feel comfortable or want to. I do however, teach my children to respect everyone (children- young or big, adults & elders) and be polite in greeting. I think there is a difference in teaching about manners and personal space/boundaries. I did not have the choice in who I let touch me or show affection to. I was raised that adults rule over children no matter what the circumstances are. I was taught that I, as a child, had no rights to my body especially if there was another adult involved. I was sexually abused by an older great-uncle and then later by my step-father for 3 years who insited that a sat on his lap. So, I say to those who have not been through the experiences that I and others like myself, please be careful and understand that forcing a child to give affection to anyone is setting them up for abuse. If the adult in the situation is “offended” by not getting a hug, then they need to be “adults” about it and move on. Personally I do not want my children to be in a lose/lose situation where they have absolutely no voice and no right to their bodies whatsoever. No one wants to believe that a relative (especially a grandparent) could be capable of abusing their grandchild.
@Patrice, I’m so very sorry for what you’ve been through and I pray you have found peace and continue to get stronger each and every day. With your story I can now see the correlation between forced hugs and sexual abuse and am happy with my decision on how I raise my daughter. Like I said before, my daughter does not hug my father but he doesn’t act offended, has never said anything to me and has never “guilted” my child into showing affection his way, he happily accepts what she gives and they are both content. However, I will pay more attention to these behaviors with my nieces, nephews, daughters friends, etc because I would hate myself if I had to look back and say “I knew something was wrong” and didn’t act on my instincts to protect a child. Any child!
I don’t have to make them hug Grandma. In my home we home. I hug my kids every day before they leave the house. They see their Grandparents often and always hug them because we have instilled the principle of family love since birth. We have taught that a hug is an affirmation of the love we feel. Since my kids lost a Grandfather and Great Grandmother, they are more keenly sensitive to the precious nature of the relationships that they have with their Grandmothers.
They are naturally leery of others and will not be forced to hug casual acquaintances or strangers. Instead we will discuss who they feel uncomfortable with and why, and I listen closely. I want to reinforce in them a confidence to speak openly with me about whatever concerns them.
I haven’t really encountered any problems with my kids not hugging their grandparents but I don’t think I would force them to hug any adult. I absolutely force them to greet people politely though and say hi back to them.
I had this issue with my daughter concerning my mother. My mother came to live with me because of health reasons and my daughter could see those changes that had occured and I knew it had to be scary and strange to see her like this. Plus she wasn’t around my mother much because mom lived in on the west coast. But after I explained to her what had happened with grandma but that grandma, now more than ever before, needed our love and attention. However, my daughter still would shun her and ignore her. This hurt me and upset me, I demanded she show her affection and asked her to tell me how she would feel if she were being treated that way. I can happily say, the situation has improved, she hugs her with little to no apprehension now and watches out for her grandmother when called upon.
I think there is a fine line because unfortunately family members have been known to sexually abuse children … on the other hand it depends like if it’s my Mother then yes they better give her some love but any other family members a simple hello will be fine … I’ve told my children they do not have to do anything they do not want to do even if it is a family member asking!
I think as a parent it is your job to teach a child (your). I think train up a child in the way they should go… At this time I don’t have to make my daughter hug the grandparents but I would if I had to. I think it’s RUDE for my child NOT to hug their grandparents.
I am a Grandmother of my son’s 2 year old child who doesn’t want to want to hug me at church when I see her 3 times a week. When I try to say “Hi” to her I get a big frown and she acts like she will run if I hug her or just give her a kiss. I am on the computer wondering what do I need to do, because it just hurts me. It makes me cry. I love my family. It hurts when they do not love me. I woke up early thinking about it. My daughter’s child cries if I do not sit with them and is very affectionate to me. She makes feel loved. I just don’t know what to do with the other one. You have blessed parents because you brought them up to be affectionate and kind to them. Thank you for being good to them. I love seeing people being loved. I have very good relationships with my own children. I homeschooled them till we went to college, so I am very close to them. The people who bring their child up being affectionate and kind to their parents are sweet and kind to them as well. Rene, you are right.
I’m not a physically affectionate person and I have no problem with a child not hugging me (or my child not hugging a relative). I just want my child to make eye contact and be respectful and speak to his elders. If he doesn’t want to hug someone, that’s fine.
Honestly, I don’t care if my grandchild, grandnephews, or nieces hug me at all but I sure would like some kind of acknowledgment that I exist, that I am validated, and not taken for granted. I think it is a parent’s responsibility to instill a sense of appreciation, respect, and value towards another human being when that child is very young. From the time that child can spell and write they should be writing thank you notes. Or making a phone call, just to let that person know they are appreciated and thought of. Or a verbal, look them in the eye thank you when you are together. I can’t tell you how many times I have sent birthday wishes and gifts only to be totally ignored. It sure doesn’t make it any better when I have to practically beg the parent to ask the child whether they received the gift or not…it hurts, terribly. You go out to a ballgame to watch the child play and they don’t even acknowledge you are there. I think the parents and grandparents are teaching that child to be a totally self absorbed, narcissistic human being. So, hug? Don’t need it…but I sure would love some verbal expressions and a little appreciation and kindness. That would be nice.