2. Unequally Yoked

Real talk: You’ve probably heard preaching that you shouldn’t marry anyone whose spiritual life isn’t exactly like yours because he wouldn’t be the spiritual head of the home. So you look for a man who is in church multiple times per week, who heads up ministries and who is more “spiritually mature” than you are.

I’ve written about this here and here, but let’s just say that you’re putting a lot of pressure on the brothers and could even be passing up men who want to marry you because of this inaccurate teaching.

One man put it to me this way: “I want a God-fearing wife, but I want her to understand that she’s not marrying Jesus’ cousin.” A marriage doesn’t automatically work just because you both have the same spiritual beliefs. A marriage works, in part, because you can both accept one another’s flaws!

I’m not suggesting you compromise your Christian values and morals, but you should open your eyes to measure a man’s character and spirit—and not by how many times he skipped Bible study.

3.  ‘Prepare’ For Marriage

Another reason why some church girls tell me they won’t date is because they’re focusing on “preparing.” This looks like reading their Bibles, praying, going to conferences, volunteering their time and giving their money to the church. And, implicitly, their pastors have told them that if they do this, God will “bless” them with a husband.

The problem is, many women have been doing this for 10, 20, 30 years, and they haven’t received a blessing. When they ask their spiritual leaders about why their husband’s haven’t manifested, they’re told, “God must not think you’re ready yet,” or “maybe it’s not His will for your life.”

This teaching has created a performance-based salvation for singles: God will only give you a husband if you’re good enough.

• Don’t know how to cook? Sorry, no husband for you.
• Can’t balance your checkbook? Oops, you missed out!
• Had sex before marriage? God is not pleased, and will punish you by giving that man to someone else!

The truth is, this teaching goes directly against the very foundations of Christianity, which says that we were saved by grace, through faith, not by any good works of our own. So if we received eternal salvation without having to prove ourselves, why would God then require you to act right to get a husband?

Listen. If you’re still single as a black Christian woman, it’s not because God doesn’t hear your prayers because you have hidden sin in your life; it’s not because God is punishing you because you tried online dating behind your pastors’ back. It’s not because you’re on a higher spiritual level than most men. There are many factors affecting why black women don’t have as many available partners as their white counterparts, but you can defy the odds and attract a husband. You have to, though, begin to put feet to your faith and take action.

If you want to have a mate, you must date, unless you’re going to have an arranged marriage! I’ve helped many women date with intention and integrity, and I can tell you that they did not lose their salvation. In fact, they grew spiritually and also met amazing, like-minded men who were ready for relationships and marriage.

You can too.

BMWK, what’s been holding you back from dating?