I think that most of us have a level of clarity as to what infidelity is in a relationship. It is when someone cheats, creeps or steps out on their significant other. Simply put, it has to do with the breaking of an agreement or bond. Whatever one chooses to call it, the consequences initiate a brutal strain on all aspects of trust related to a committed relationship.
The thing about infidelity is that we typically think of it only within the bounds of emotional and sexual faithfulness. However, there is another manifestation of infidelity which many who have experienced it, say cuts deeper than sexual cheating, yet it is far less discussed – financial infidelity.
Just as it is with sexual infidelity, financial infidelity is defined differently by different people. Here are what are considered to be the most common forms of financial infidelity: hiding money, secret accounts, lying about income, secret credit cards and not discussing financial decisions.
Financial cheating is so insidious that many don’t see it as that big of a deal, until they actually hurt or are hurt by it. So let me throw out a few questions for you to discuss with your spouse:
Is it wrong for us to have a secret bank accounts?
Should I tell you if I come into some extra money?
Do I need to tell you if I get a raise?
Would you care if you found out I had more credit cards and debt than you know about?
Would you be upset if you found out I had more money than you think I have?
As I tell my friends that ask me about how they should structure their financial affairs, “I am not going to pay your bills, so I will make suggestions, but I am not going to tell you how you should structure your money affairs.” Likewise, the answers to the questions above have to satisfy the agreements and balance of your own relationship. As I get older, I get less dogmatic about these things. I have seen things that I would never consider in my own relationship work well for others and vice versa. What does remain important is mutual agreement and willingness to make changes when financial strains are stressing trust in the relationship. If you or your spouse object to any of the answers for the questions above, than clear boundaries need to be set regarding financial faithfulness within your marriage.
Setting Boundaries to Gain Financial Faithfulness
1. Talk. Again, every relationship is different. For some they are fine never talking about money, others may need to talk periodically: annual, semi-annual, bi-monthly, monthly, weekly and guess we should throw daily in too. Whatever the comfort level, talking about money keeps the light shining in the crevices to minimize dark corners where infidelity can creep in.
2. One is a majority. When it comes to finances either of you should be able to raise concerns. Here is an illustration: if I step on your foot I could tell you all the reasons why that should not hurt. But none of my rationalizations would do anything to satisfy the pain of the person whose foot I stepped on. It seems that the one stepping on the other person’s foot never sees it as a big deal. The point is that when it comes to concerns about money, “If it bothers you, then it bothers me, simply because it bothers you.” If one of you objects to how things are going in your family finances, then talk and if needed make changes.
3. Equality for all. Nothing raises the green eyed monster of jealousy like imbalance. Let’s say a wife makes 20% more than her husband, should she get 20% more money to spend? You can answer that one in your own marriage. But let me suggest, regardless of who is making what, to keep it equal.
4. Speak up, ask questions. The fact that financial infidelity brings such strong emotional ties with it, makes it one of those areas that we can become reluctant to bring up. So even though it is a topic that ties our stomachs in knots, speak up. If there is a legitimate reason to be concerned, then ask.
5. Freedom. Any time boundaries are mentioned, it sounds like, we are talking about taking the fun out of life. But that is not the case. The beauty of setting financial boundaries it to allow yourselves enough money to do the personal things you need to do. I have two places I spend “my money,” at the golf course and on overpriced coffee. As long as I have money for those two things, I am good. It is when we don’t have money to do what we want or need to do personally that the schemes are hatched. So set up a financial plan that allows you both to have what you need.
6. Limits. Going hand in hand with freedom is to set limits. At what point do you and your spouse need to discuss a purchase? It might prove a little restrictive if you have to ask to get a cup of coffee or chewing gum but what about a $300 pair of shoes. Do you just roll out to the mall and pick them up, or is it time to touch base with your spouse. Determine the tipping point, when there needs to be a discussion about how much to spend, especially is you are using a joint account. Temptations arise when we work all week and feel restricted to get the things we need or want. But if you have an agreement that you can spend “X” amount, then you can greatly reduce the urge to cheat.
7. Account structure. For however many couples there are, that is how many possible variations of workable account structures there are. Find what works best and by all means if it is not working change it. Just because you have had a structure in place for a while, there may come a point when it does not work anymore, so change it.
The intention is not to become a secret agent against your spouse, please do not monitor your spouse’s every receipt. LOL, I still remember when my wife found out how much I spent on one round of golf on vacation a few years ago. It was a once in a lifetime experience that I kicked out a lot of money for, and had a blast doing it. For a while after that, every round of golf at every low priced, $40 local municipal course, was being scrutinized as if it was “vacation priced” golf.
If your spouse has not given you a recent to suspect anything is amiss – don’t. The idea is to have safeguards and boundaries in place. Because even though it is thought that it could be as many as 80% of couples that deal with financial infidelity, boundaries are beneficial even where things are well. The better control a couple has on their money the better control they can have on managing their relationship as a whole.
So BMWK, what are financial no-no’s in your marriage, and how do you seek to keep them at bay?
This article is on point. Very Good read…also needs to include aspect of hiding the fact about (secretly) paying bills late…intercepting the mail with the disconnect notices in them, before the spouse knows anything about it. I call that the financial “razor’s edge dance”. It is much less stressfult to come clean, so to speak, with your spouse, than for this to literally blow up in your faces as a couple. A lot of times, things can be worked out with being open and honest regarding your weaknesses in handling the family finances. In closing a budget is a must to keep things on an even keel!
Yes, I have had some friends go through the hiding bills thing, that is rough. Nothing like getting a turn off notice when you think everything is paid for. I have seen people break out in hives at the mention of a budget. But you are so right – it is a must!
This is a good article with great recommendations. Here is something that I found helps with the issue of financial fidelity. First, the key variables. My experience is that one spouse is usually more comfortable with financial matters. Secondly, most households today are dual income households. Finally, any attempt to strike a mathematic balance — as in a 60/40, or 50/50 rule — will be hard to maintain and add to the natural tension that financial management of a growing household with children brings.
We discovered that the one activity that reduced the tension was to develop a financial plan with a qualified financial planner. We engaged one even when we were poor and living from paycheck to paycheck. With only one paycheck, we started saving $10.00 per pay period, and increased the commitment throughout our 30-years of working until we retired.
When a couple commits to the rigor of preparing their very first financial plan, all the unknowns end up on the table — credit card balances, extra income, savings accounts and bills that may have preceded the marriage, etc. What happens next is what keeps the plan dynamic. All major commitments live inside the plan — rent, or mortgage, car payments, student loans, credit cards. Parallel to the Financial plan is a monthly budget. Surpluses, pay raises, bonuses — all come from different and often unpredictable places. Each spouse’s career doesn’t move in balance with the other’s. And then there are unexpected events like job loss, children, illness, etc.
We always have had separate checking accounts where our paychecks were deposited, but we didn’t monitor like the CIA. Everyone can’t do this. We kept our commitments to the “plan” and the “budget” and discussed unexpected occurances. My wife is from a large family, likes to travel (sometimes with her relatives), and is a world-class shopper (no bargain escapes her attention). I like expensive cars, and I also have a separate personal investment account outside the plan. I learned early to not ask what everything costs when I see something new, and of course the cars were always in the plan (which generally upset any notion of balance). Our commitment was to keep the plan alive. Thankfully we were able to do so while indulging our personal preferences. The only infidelity is to stray from the plan. We review the plan regularly with our financial advisor, and we make adjustments for new developments — pay raises, promotions, other plusses or minuses.
What this does is to set the marital finances on a long term course that is able to weather the ups and downs of the stock market, expensive car repairs, fashion trends, and getaway travel specials. As our plan evolved, our flexibility increased. I still don’t know what is in her checking account, and she doesn’t ask about my brokerage account. But that information is not a secret. The security we have is that “the plan” and “the budget” has provided stability and a comfortable retirement lifestyle. Along the way, our marriage was never threatened by financial scandal.
I hope this helps provide an informative perspective. It won’t work for everyone, but is a living example that serves as a point of reference.
Great, great advice. I am glad you shared what works for your marriage. I have found that every couple has to find their “way”. So thanks for sharing, perhaps others will adopt it. And the $10 a week savings plan, is great because sometimes I hear people say they have to be at a certain place of stability or income to be able to save. But you are so right, we can save wherever we are, even if it is just a little initially.
I was married to my husband for 28 years, and he committed financial infidelity on a nearly constant basis. After 12 years of marriage, I committed sexual infidelity, and confessed everything to my husband. Once that happened, I lost any leverage I had in the relationship. From then on, he could do whatever he wanted with our finances because of what I had done. We declared bankruptcy twice, creditors called constantly, we were almost evicted from our rental home several times, our utilities were threatened to be disconnected (or were disconnected). He knew exactly when the mail would arrive, and he would remove any evidence of his indiscretions from the mail so that I didn’t see anything. I admit that I allowed his behavior because of the guilt of what I had done. Eventually, I couldn’t take it any longer, and I filed for divorce. That was two years ago. He has done nothing to make amends for any of his financial infidelity – at one point when I asked him why he had lied about a particular situation, he said I should never have found out about that (as if me not knowing made the lie okay). He continues to believe (and represent to our family and friends) that what I did was what ended our marriage. He told me that I would lose in the court of public opinion, and he was right. I am alone now – he is living with his new girlfriend. My finances are in great shape, as is my credit rating. But that certainly doesn’t keep me warm at night, and it won’t be there for me as I age. The lies told over finances are extremely damaging to a marriage. It speaks to a total lack of respect and commitment to the other person. To this day, I still have no idea where all of the money went – he refuses to address the issue. I spent my entire life with him. At this point, I may never get over what happened because of his financial infidelity.