by Harriet Hairston
I made mention of Bruce Wilkinson’s book, “Experiencing Spiritual Breakthroughs” a couple of weeks ago, and after perusing my notes, I came across another “WOW” factor within his book. Keeping in mind that his book is Christian based, he outlined the specific instructions laid out in the Bible for different groups of people to follow:
Wives: Submit (Ephesians 5:22)
Husbands: Love (Ephesians 5:25)
Children: Obey and honor (Ephesians 6:1)
Fathers: Don’t exasperate (Ephesians 6:4)
Employees: Serve wholeheartedly (Ephesians 6:5)
Employers: Don’t threaten (Ephesians 6:9)
This is what I call getting back to the basics…the fundamentals of fulfilling our roles as husbands, wives, children, men and women in society. It sounds so simple, but we make it so complicated. Wives look upon the word “submission” like a curse word, and dare not offend the bra-burning movement of yesteryear to enact this fundamental choice. Husbands, on the other hand, seek to be respected so badly that they force their “headship” around like a golden scepter, daring a wife to come forth without being beckoned; thus they miss their fundamental duty to unconditionally and sacrificially love their wives.
How can we get back to the basics and beyond these self-seeking attitudes that erode the quality and intimacy from our married lives?
This particular article is for men only. Ladies, feel free to read it, but please don’t try to pat yourself on the back if you’re still standing at the end of the exercise I’m about to propose. Women are built to love and nurture…it comes naturally for us, not men.
That said, gentlemen, pretend as you’re reading that you’re in an auditorium with thousands of other men. The speaker asks all husbands to stand up and gives the following instructions:
“I’m going to read you 15 questions. If you cannot honestly say that you do what each question asks, be seated.”
1. Do you suffer patiently when your wife is being difficult?
2. Are you kind, regardless of how unkind your wife is?
3. Do you refuse to envy your wife or anything in her life?
4. Do you make a point of giving your wife credit/appreciation where it’s due?
5. Do you refuse to treat your wife rudely, in public or in private?
6. Do you choose to never demand that you get your own way?
7. Do you never express threatening or uncontrolled anger at your wife?
8. Do you never doubt your wife and wonder if she is really telling the truth?
9. Do you never secretly celebrate when something bad happens to your wife?
10. Do you tell your wife the truth, even when it’s difficult?
11. Do you bear whatever comes into your life?
12. Do you believe in your wife, even when she doesn’t believe in herself?
13. Do you hope for the best for your wife?
14. Do you endure and endure in your love for your wife?
15. Do you allow your love to never end?
These are the 15 questions Wilkinson asked based on 1 Corinthians 13, the biblical reference about the true definition of love. Gentlemen, if you wonder how you can get back to loving your wives the way you’re called to love her, start by doing the things asked on this list.
My questions for the BMWK men is: how many of you, after reading these 15 questions, can honestly say you’re still standing? If you are not, which questions made you sit down? Which questions do you consider yourself to be strong in?
God bless!
~ Harriet
I’m still standing (for the most part, lol!)
I’m not gonna lie, I do lie to my wife – but on silly things like “Yes, i’m on the way – i’m like 5 minutes from the house” or “no, I don’t REALLY want a flatscreen for the living room”
But in all seriousness, I sat down on Question #4…I do need to give my wife more credit/appreciation.
At this point in loving my wife I am still standing. Of the list you shared this is the one that has tripped me up.
10. Do you tell your wife the truth, even when its difficult?
I’ve done it because I want to avoid a difficult conversation. Whether it is due to something that I need to confess and ask forgiveness for or a critique of something that she is doing I have dropped the ball to avoid a confrontation. I had to learn that lying to my wife helps no one. Even if you can manage to hide it forever neither you nor your marriage will grow without honest communication.
If you really want to experience all that God has for you as a husband than mastering this list is a great place to start.
For me #2 Are you kind, regardless of how unkind your wife is? is my problem. I try to not let it bother me but when she keeps going on and on, it gets unbearing and then we are in a full scale aurgument. I am trying to get control of this when it happens. Work In Progress
Although the Bible may ask men to follow #1, #2, and #7, I’m not totally certain that those are healthy responses to hostile situations.
I do…it’s not about NOT responding (there’s no silence clause here), but HOW you respond.
For #1, are you patient or pushy in your response?
For #2, are you kind in your response? It takes two fools to fight…why be one of them? LOL
For #7, anger is a normal, healthy emotion. But what the question asks is are you THREATENING and UNCONTROLLABLE in your anger? Neither of these characteristics are healthy.
Your thoughts?
There seems to be a lot more involved with being a good wife than a good husband. I certainly think that good wives dont get enough credit or appreciation for being so. Often men still mistreat or even cheat on a good wife. Its sad.
I disagree, sis. I think both roles are complex and difficult to fulfill. However, if we stay focused on what’s unfair or how we’re being unappreciated, we’ll lose sight of the fact that we still have an obligation to do well in our own roles as wives.
And I also think the converse is true regarding your comment. There are a lot of good husbands out there who are being mistreated and taken advantage of. Either way, it’s wrong.
I think if we get out of the mindset of, “If he DON’T, then I WON’T,” by our conduct we can influence our husbands to learn to love us better and more intimately.
I think your right. I am young, single and I have never dated. I Know many married people but I was raised only by my mother. I dont plan on getting married because I do not want to be mistreated or hurt neither do I want to hurt nayone because I cannot or am incapable of fulfilling my god directed role of wife. It seems difficult to find someone who loves you as much as you love them and although people make mistakes someone who will try their very best to avoid hurting you physically or emotionally. That is the difficult part…finding someone who would not even entertain cheating or beating you because they value their relationship with God as well as you. This may sound idealistic and I am aware that we are imperfect and we all sin many times but findign someone who really takes those vow seriously is not easy.
First, let me say I commend you, Sweet. You are a rare and valuable gem in the Kingdom! Please don’t think your commitment and convictions are liabilities. They are assets, and if you should ever change your mind about getting married, you won’t have to “unlearn” a lot of bad habits.
Now, the reasons behind WHY you don’t want to get married are….well, they’re your reasons. I’m not going to speculate or make a judgment call about them. But if I may, I’d like to ask a question:
Could it be possible that while you are preventing yourself or someone else from getting hurt, that you are simultaneously creating a barrier to the love and intimacy that God wants for you?
Just a question. Because really, in marriage, you’re going to get hurt. Your feelings, dreams, etc. may get hurt, sis. It comes with the territory of being an imperfect person marrying an imperfect person. You’re going to have disagreements….not necessarily show stoppers like adultery or abuse, but areas where your two unique personalities are going to clash and have dissonance.
Yet that’s the beauty of marital intimacy, Sweet. Learning how to take those dissonant chords and create a harmony and symphony of love through the fire of heated discussion.
If you don’t believe that man can be out there, then for you, he’s not. But I would hate to see you give up on the beauty of marriage because of FEAR.
Being idealistic about marriage is how God wants you to be! No, it’s not easy to meet a person with like convictions. But trust me, he’s out there, and you don’t have to settle for less.
First, let me say I commend you, Sweet. You are a rare and valuable gem in the Kingdom! Please don’t think your commitment and convictions are liabilities. They are assets, and if you should ever change your mind about getting married, you won’t have to “unlearn” a lot of bad habits.
Now, the reasons behind WHY you don’t want to get married are….well, they’re your reasons. I’m not going to speculate or make a judgment call about them. But if I may, I’d like to ask a question:
Could it be possible that while you are preventing yourself or someone else from getting hurt, that you are simultaneously creating a barrier to the love and intimacy that God wants for you?
Just a question. Because really, in marriage, you’re going to get hurt. Your feelings, dreams, etc. may get hurt, sis. It comes with the territory of being an imperfect person marrying an imperfect person. You’re going to have disagreements….not necessarily show stoppers like adultery or abuse, but areas where your two unique personalities are going to clash and have dissonance.
Yet that’s the beauty of marital intimacy, Sweet. Learning how to take those dissonant chords and create a harmony and symphony of love through the fire of heated discussion.
If you don’t believe that man can be out there, then for you, he’s not. But I would hate to see you give up on the beauty of marriage because of FEAR.
Being idealistic about marriage is how God wants you to be! No, it’s not easy to meet a person with like convictions. But trust me, he’s out there, and you don’t have to settle for less.
First, let me say I commend you, Sweet. You are a rare and valuable gem in the Kingdom! Please don’t think your commitment and convictions are liabilities. They are assets, and if you should ever change your mind about getting married, you won’t have to “unlearn” a lot of bad habits.
Now, the reasons behind WHY you don’t want to get married are….well, they’re your reasons. I’m not going to speculate or make a judgment call about them. But if I may, I’d like to ask a question:
Could it be possible that while you are preventing yourself or someone else from getting hurt, that you are simultaneously creating a barrier to the love and intimacy that God wants for you?
Just a question. Because really, in marriage, you’re going to get hurt. Your feelings, dreams, etc. may get hurt, sis. It comes with the territory of being an imperfect person marrying an imperfect person. You’re going to have disagreements….not necessarily show stoppers like adultery or abuse, but areas where your two unique personalities are going to clash and have dissonance.
Yet that’s the beauty of marital intimacy, Sweet. Learning how to take those dissonant chords and create a harmony and symphony of love through the fire of heated discussion.
If you don’t believe that man can be out there, then for you, he’s not. But I would hate to see you give up on the beauty of marriage because of FEAR.
Being idealistic about marriage is how God wants you to be! No, it’s not easy to meet a person with like convictions. But trust me, he’s out there, and you don’t have to settle for less.
Thanks. I have a lot of growing and developing still to do at 21. My aim is to deepen my relationship with God before I see k to make any unions (if at all). I think I am fearful really but that is born of my insecurities in terms or a mans reliability, integrity and strength. I have a lot of issues with self-esteem that I also need to work on in order to build any kind of healthy and lasting union. It is very difficult especially as a young christian in this system having to contend with peer pressure and misinformatuon with regards to relationships and marriage.
The points yu made about getting hurt in marriage being inevitable, that is part of what I fear because I had to deal with hurt in the past by myself. I bottle it up and for years I had to endure emotional anguish internally because it seemed as if no one cared. Obviously within a marriage there is no where to run and hide. Issues have to be resolved and discussed openly which is not always easy to do. I guess I am fearful I will make a bad choice in a husband and have to endure or ‘repent at lesisure’ with someone who was very unsuitable. What If I marry someone who does not care about me? Does not really love me? It may sound ridiculous but at the moment I cannot even imagine someone finding me attractive personality wise or looks wise. Due to my past experiences, I find it difficult to really believe in myself and so I wouldnt believe a man if he told me that (I am really trying to work on that). I’m rambling on…..sorry.
Wow…how did we get on this in an article created for men? LOL
Well, let me first start by telling you that Who you have put your trust in can never lie or fail. Nobody is a finished product, no matter how much experience or wisdom they have. You can’t go wrong with asking the One who invented you how you’re supposed to work.
I really love the fact that at 21, you don’t think you know everything. Shoot, when I was 21, I thought I was all the way GROWN–nobody couldn’t tell me anything about how to live my life.
So please allow me to build you up based on the wisdom you’ve already exhibited:
– You’re right to take your time. Be complete before you get married.
– You’re also right to seek wise counsel. Peer pressure isn’t going to cut it, and “ordinary” won’t do. The road you’re walking in terms of your convictions will keep you from becoming a victim of “abnormal normalities.” What’s normal for society now is foreign to a child of God. Keep it that way!
– You are wise to remain single and not date based on the mental state you said you have. People tend to take advantage of that kind of vulnerability in a romantic setting if you’re not careful. Take your time and get healing!
To address some of the issues you said you had, let me say this:
– If you have to get counseling to deal with your esteem issues, do it! If you can’t afford it, or you can’t find a counselor that can speak to your heart, get some books and read them. Build yourself up on your most holy faith.
– Past experiences can either create a graveyard or a garden for our lives (that’s what I’ve been learning at church lately). You can bury your hurt to never see it again, or you can plant your faith so fruit can grow out of your painful experiences. That’s strictly up to you, though.
But take your time. Take as long as you want, really. God’s not on our schedule anyway. But like I said before, I’d hate for you to miss what He has for you because of fear. Just keep working on you, and if the time comes, you’ll know it, because He’ll show you!
Now who’s rambling? LOL No need to apologize.
Thanks for the feedback. I didnt mean to take you off topic. The article highlighted points that I have to work on….the questions asked are things Icould work on in terms of interaction with my family.
I really do have to apologise. I realise on the other post for wives I totally went off topic as well. So sorry, I have been reading your pieces for a while and I just never had the courage to comment….then when I did I said evrything I was thinking…lol.
No need to apologize. I’m glad you commented!