We’ve all experienced the “grass is greener” effect at some point in our lives. We peer through our skewed lenses and determine that someone else is experiencing something greater or better than we are. We have thoughts such as my boss has a better life than me because he makes more money. More guys are attracted to my friend because she is prettier and has better clothes. My brother’s marriage is better than mine because he lives in a big house and drives an expensive car.
In the age of social media we are bombarded with images that make us think everyone else is living a life filled with champagne wishes and caviar dreams. These manufactured images are small excerpts from people’s lives that exacerbates the “grass is greener” effect and lead some to believe that everyone’s life is exponentially better than theirs.
We often compare what we have to what others have without the benefit of knowing another person’s truth, issues, or story behind what we have perceived as success.
We often compare what we have to what others have without the benefit of knowing another person’s truth, issues, or story behind what we have perceived as success. This is a great character flaw in human behavior. It causes us to focus on the negative and dwell on what we think we lack rather than appreciating what we have. I’ve often wondered if people experience the “grass is greener” effect in reverse. Do people see what they perceive to be negative or lacking in someone or something and become immediately appreciative and grateful for who they are, what they have, or their current circumstances?
I don’t mean that you’ve looked at someone and thought you were better than them, or thought that you were doing well because your situation was not as dire as their situation. I simply mean that you saw, heard, or experienced something that you perceived as brown grass; and didn’t become judgmental but immediately became filled with gratitude for what you have been blessed with.
In my work as a Relationship Life Coach the “grass is greener” effect has been a major source of contention in relationships. The “grass is greener” effect has caused many relationships to experience infidelity or end up in divorce. Well, recently the question of whether people experience the “grass is greener” effect in reverse popped into my head while attending a little league football game that my significant other was officiating. I was seated next to a group of team moms. Their conversations indicated that they were very comfortable and familiar with each other. There was one conversation in particular that had me quietly give thanks and feel grateful for the many acts of kindness, service, and love that my mate chooses to show me.
Brown Grass
The conversation was between two team moms. Mommy number one had a son that played on one of the competing teams. Mommy number two also had a son that played on the same team and her significant other served as a team Coach. It’s important to note that mommy number two was pregnant and had two restless toddlers to care for during the game. During the conversation mommy number one asked mommy number two if she would be attending church on Sunday. Mommy number two stated that she was planning to attend and quickly inquired about the start and end time for the service. She then stated that her significant other would not be attending service because he would be watching football at that time.
There was a brief pause in the conversation, then Mommy number two asked what time service would end again. Mommy number one told her once again that service ended about 1:00 pm. Mommy number two sighed heavily, stared blankly toward the field and said to no one in particular that she would be late for her hair appointment on Sunday because she would have to take the kids all the way back home from church; as her significant other was not going to miss some of the game to come and meet her to get the kids. No one responded to her comment or seemed to notice her mood change and the fact that she seemed to be fading away.
What happened at the end of the game really made me appreciative of the things my mate does for me that we so often take for granted. As we were all preparing to leave, this very pregnant mommy begin to break down the folding chairs that she and the kids sat in, fold the blankets they used to keep warm, gather all of the kids toys and snacks, all while managing to keep an eye on the two rambunctious toddlers. Her significant other bellowed something to her as he walked off of the field. She bellowed back and waited for him to come and help her. She stood for a moment and watched him continue to walk further away in the opposite direction. She finally gave up waiting for help, and said to no one in particular, “I guess I’ll carry all of this stuff back to the car.” Another man that was standing near us heard her and asked if she needed any help. She seemed startled that he had noticed her and shocked that he offered her help. She quickly gave an awkward smile and said, “No thanks I got it.” She walked off with the kids and stuff in tow in a manner that said this was all too familiar to her.
My Own Green Grass
In that moment I did not have the benefit of knowing the truth about her story. I did however have the benefit of knowing the truth about my story. My mind flooded with thoughts of all the things that my mate does for me daily without cause or pause that I truly appreciate. Because he insists, I am not ALLOWED to open any doors, pull my chair out to be seated, walk on the outside on the sidewalk or in a parking lot, carry any groceries from the store or into the house, pump gas, carry anything heavy, wash my car, take my car to get repairs, drive alone late at night, do any yard work or home repairs beyond changing a light bulb, refuse help when offered and needed, go unsupported in anything I want to do, or not accept his daily gift of prayer. He has chosen not to ALLOW me to feel unprotected or unloved ever and words can’t adequately express how that makes me feel. These are things that I am grateful for each and every day. But getting a quick snap shot of someone else’s brown grass made me more appreciative of what I have been blessed with.
Yes, I too have lost focus of what’s important and have fallen victim to the “grass is greener” effect, but I’ve also been present enough to recognize and appreciate the beauty and bounty of the grass that grows in my own yard.
BMWK, Have you ever looked at someone’s brown grass and thought I really appreciate what fertilizing my own grass has yielded me?
Great article!!! Not because it celebrates how I treat you, but because it helps remind people to check their perspectives not only as it relates to their romantic relationships; but more importantly their perspectives about life…Too often many of us allow circumstances to cause us to possess half-empty perspectives about life and our relationships instead of seeing and celebrating what’s good about our relationships and life…sometimes it takes seeing a situation worse than yours. It shouldn’t take that, but better you get it (however you get it) than not get it at all. Great article babygirl!!!
The article caught my attention because I started an article on the very same topic. There are a few things that struck me when reading it.
The mommy that wound up having to pick up the slack also refused help from someone. In my mind, that means that she doesn’t value herself enough to get help. I’ve learned that an offer of help does not mean that I’m helpless or can’t do it, rather it means that I don’t HAVE to do it all myself and then quietly build resentment. The syndrome of “I don’t’ need anyone, I can handle everything by myself” may have truth in it but also alienates others. People often confuse an offer for help as a need for connection rather than a pronouncement that I don’t think you are capable.
The second thing that struck me are the things that are so appreciated by one’s mate and how that can differ from person to person. If my man didn’t allow me to pump gas, take out the garbage, make some home repairs, it wouldn’t work for me. Thus, each relationship has to find the balance that works. I am not judging whether it works for one or another – only that if someone appreciates what they have, that is fabulous!
In the case of the mommy who ‘does it all alone’ – I can only imagine resentment building up and a feeling of being a victim – poor me, have to everything. I know because I was there!! I’ve learned over time that the victim role is ugly and unnecessary, and if I knew then what I know now, my relationship would never have lasted as long as it did and I wouldn’t have suffered. But each person must go through their own journey and find their own truth.
Thanks for your article.
Hello Marion. Thank you for taking time to read and comment on the article. Your words are insightful. My life’s experiences have also taugt me that no man is an island, and that we are all interdependent on one another. I find That people that shy away from asking for help fall into three areas: 1) not wanting to appear as needy or helpless, 2) not being able to accept help without judgement as they judge others that need help, and 3) they really don’t want help as they have really brought into their story as the martyr or victim. Mommy #2 didn’t appear to want play the victim. She appeared genuinely embarrassed and uncomfortable that someone saw into her world, so she just wanted to get the hell out of there as quick as possible.I’ll state that I’m basing my opinion on the few momentsof her life that I witnessed.
I shared the few things that came to mind that I’m grateful that my honey does for me as I witnessed the situation. I used the words NOT ALLOWED purposefully in my article to express the levelof commitmment my honey has to ensuring that he I am loved, safe, and secure. I am okay with accepting the help that he offers, as it doesn’t make me feel helpless or powerless. Instead it gives me a certain peace and comfort. As I stated before those are just a few things that he does and I’m oh so okay with my load being lightened, respect being shown, and love being expressed in the way he needs to and the way that I enjoy. Yes what works for me may not work for you…diversity is a beautiful thing.
I hope mommy #2 finds some balance in her life and relationship.
LaDawn
Marion I wondered why she didn’t accept the offer for help as well I assumed though that maybe since her husband was with her she didn’t want to get an argument started. Yes it sounds silly but I’ve learned through experience that even though her husband didn’t even bother to lift a finger to help her seeing another man do what he obviously should be doing would upset him because it exposes his lack of concern. I sometimes have the grass is greene economic because I see so many women on social media show pics and make posts about all the nice things there hubby’s do for them its hard because I feel like my husband says he loves me but his actions day different.
Ugh I have so many grammatical errors on the above post. Sorry
Hi Lana, thanks for reading my article. No worries about tye typos. I agree with you in addition to being embarrassed she may have also refused help so that her personal situation would not escalate at the ball park or at later at home.
In my article I spoke about Social Media igniting and fueling the “grass is greener” effect. We all must remember that people post the fabulous parts of thier lives not the regular or crappy things. Don’t get pulled in and fooled by the hype of photos and comments people post on Facebook. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc give people the opportunity to create the life they want people to believe they have. I would suggest that you have an honest yet loving converasation with your husband about what you need from him. Share with him what your love language is and how you need for him to express love to you.
Thanks for reading the article. Please share with your family and friends.
I experience the grass is greener in reverse almost every day! I see what’s out there and the problems other men I know have to contend with, and I can’t help but think how blessed I am!
Good morning Linny. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my article. You are truly living in a great mental and emotional space. Being able to be present in the now and appreciate the blessing you have now is really fulfilling. Hoping for the better life that comes with the future or lamenting the better life that could have happened in the past robs of of joy today. Please feel free to share the article with those that may find value and benefit from it as well.
LaDawn