Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I married a spoiled momma’s boy. At the time, I didn’t know how spoiled he was. His mother helps him financially and he relies on her and me for money. How can I know for sure if my husband married me for love, not for financial security?
Dear Financially Unsure,
Love and financial security are two factors that propel a large percentage of individuals to head to the wedding alter. However, they are also two factors that lead to divorce. Given this, I personally believe that love and money do not mix. Let me explain.
Love is a subjective factor. Love is the feel good part of relationships that causes individuals to share their heart, mind and soul. We were created to love each other and our very existence is rooted in our ability to give and receive love. Love makes us feel connected, important and cared for. It is one of the most powerful emotions that man or woman can experience in life and love.
Financial security on the other hand, is an objective factor. Financial security is about survival and offers a means to experience life with little to no monetary stress. People rob, kill, lie and cheat to acquire financial security. Some even enter marriage as a means to secure financial stability. Unfortunately, financial security is one of the most influential survival factors that drive individuals’ behavior.
While we need love and financial security to survive and to be happy in our relationships, love and money do not mix. As the old saying goes, “Money can’t buy you love.” Some people believe that love conquers all and I agree.
Love is emotionally driven. In contrast, financial security is money driven. Love requires a good heart, good intentions and the desire to do right by others. God created us out of love so that we can love. Financial security on the other hand, requires a good bank account, sound investments and the desire to secure worldly possessions. God wants us to be financially prosperous, but not at the expense of failing to love others. Love and money is only a good mix when love is the main ingredient.
Here are two signs that indicate that your marriage is based on financial security, not love.
- Money Focused Conversations. If your significant other spends more time talking about your bank account than he does talking about how he makes your relationship thrive, then your marriage might be based on financial security. If he equates money with love, you are in trouble. The thinking is this: “If you love me, you will buy me this or that!” It is important to discuss money matters, but it is as equally important to discuss love and how to sustain it. Money comes and goes, but love should be forever.
- Frequent Arguments about Money and Financial Security. If your significant other has a sense of entitlement and believes that money is more important than the quality of your relationship, then your marriage might be based on financial security. Pay attention to whether or not your significant other verbally attacks you because you fail to address his need for financial security. Consideration and affection are typically missing in relationships that are primarily driven by money. If the money is not right or tight, there is a fight.
At the root of most marital discord is money. The love of money is what makes relationships not work. Financial security is a blessing that occurs when we do God’s will, which is to love others. If your relationship is not filled with love, unwavering companionship and commitment, then you married for the wrong reason.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Very good article. There wasn’t much info mentioned in the letter but can read between the lines and answer the question confidently. I can say that he didn’t marry you for your money because you say that he depends on his mother and you for money which let’s us know that you don’t make much money to depend on. Plus, I can assume that he works a job because women will mention that a man doesn’t work right from the beginning to show how trifling he is. Obviously, she doesn’t know what a marriage is about. The man and woman depends on each other for love and money because they are one and not two. It seems like her way of thinking is sexiest because she probably feels that her husband shouldn’t ask her for money but it is ok for her to ask him.
Ok. To know for sure whether or not your marriage is based on $$ alone, you have to ask yourself one thing… does your husband try to spend time with you on dates, alone at home? How is your sex life? Does he initiate lovemaking with you? If he does not do these things…you have to question whether or not you want to continue in this marriage. God made marriage forever when “he” unties a man and a woman together. When He does it… it is blissful… when “we” do it out of our own desire to be married to this person without consulting or following God… there are questions like these. I don’t like divorce or believe in it for stupid reasons…but when your man doesn’t love you the right way…I’d say it is a good idea to “let go”. You’ll know if you are his one true love if he comes following after you or if he finds himself another woman to take care of him. A woman can always tell a gold-digger!