by Harriet Hairston
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. More accurately, a lot of self-checking lately. I think it’s important to always take a good look in the mirror–even if you have to do so on a daily basis–and do a self inventory of what you can do better to love, support and communicate with your spouse.
The main thing I have to continuously remind myself of is to focus on BEING rather than just DOING. The first is internal, the latter is merely nominal and external. I can fake the doing, but the being is the attitude of my heart and mind towards the matter. The doing won’t last always, but the being is a continuous state of growth (or regression, if not careful).
The following questions ring in my mind quite often:
- What is my spouse’s “love language,” and how can I express my love in a way that encourages him?
- If I wrote down in one column all the things that get on my nerves about my spouse, then wrote in another column, how I RESPONDED to those nerve wrecking things, would I want to live with the person in the response column?
- If the answer to #2 is NO, then how can I respond to little annoyances and inconveniences better?
- What’s my spouse’s wildest sexual desire, and how can I go about fulfilling it?
- Am I doing enough for myself to maintain my desirability, communication skills and professional abilities? Is my confidence level too high? Too low?
Admittedly, I have the most difficulty with numbers 2 and 5 on this list. We are all works in progress as individuals and spouses. It’s important for us to ask ourselves that we can BE better instead of DO better.
BMWK family, leave in the comments section the questions that YOU are asking.
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: “author.” You can purchase her first book, “Who Are You?” simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at [email protected].
Great Post Harriet…..I think it is good to look at yourself periodically to identify areas where you can make improvement….so many people are always looking at the other person…but never inward. Thanks for reminding me to do a self check.
I love #2 “would I want to live with the person in the response column?” This is so important because we all have things about us that annoy people and we would not want anyone being nasty to us..would we??
Thanks Harriet for always giving us food for thought!!!
I always look in the mirror first because you can not change the other person. You can only change how you react to them (see your #2). I have learned that my husband is not a talker, and it drives me up the wall. But instead of getting in his face and asking question after question so I can hear his voice (the sound of his voice soothes me), I have learned to drink in his short answers and when he initiates a conversation to be all ears and show him how much I appreciate it.
Great post as always! 🙂
I know exactly where you're coming from on this one, Tara! Mr. Incredible is not much of a talker, either. And you can't MAKE them a conversationalist just because that's how you translate love. It's hard at times, I know, but so necessary.
Sometimes I feel like Lauryn Hill from “The Sweetest Thing:” “Makes me argue just to see how much you're in love with me.” LOL That's just foolishness right there! If I have to get a recording of his voice or listen to voicemails he left me, I'm cool with that. LOL
#2 is one if the best things I've read in a while. I'm going to put that in my planner!
Thanks! Be blessed!
Awesome Posting….Harriet!
Thanks, Marcus and Gloria! I appreciate you all for being on the battlefield to equip hard headed folks like me with tools to make ourselves better. 🙂
WOW! Good stuff! I've saved this in my “spirit” folder for periodic reading and as a reminder when I'm a Mrs again 🙂 ***being proactive***
This is a great post Harriet. If we all work on our relationships then they can definitely improve. It's all about compromise and communication. In a blog post on Urban Belle Magazine, an online magazine for women of color, they talk about life not revolving around your man (https://www.urbanbellemag.com/2010/07/living-in-…). I think if you can come to a mutual agreement with your spouse regarding expectations, anyone can be a “better spouse”.
Wow, my favorite is number 4!! He has to keep changing his. lol I love him to pieces. But, we always communicate about our shortcoming and try to make them better. Nice post. It is always good to be open to change, instead of running from it.
I think that's awesome! If each partner does this, the self checking, imagine how amazing the marriage can be!!
Hello Harriet,
I love reading the lessons you post. I often do self-check and ask my husband how Im doing and what I can do better. The only example I saw growing up of marriage was on T.V. and my grandparents on some weekends. Nobody teaches you how to be/stay married. Looking back its easy to pick out a dress, invite people, choose invitations, colors etc… The real work is staying married and committed, to do what some might consider according to the divorce rate-impossible. I love my husband and believe in us. He makes me better.
I can say that I need to work on #4. We have a good sex life but I really want to make it better, I want to make it great. I think I am the hold up; my husband is very open and much more experienced than I am. I often feel torn between, if I do this…is it wrong or are we suppose to go that far and how will I feel afterward?? Will I still be able to fulfill the call on my life if we do that?? I know my husband would never do anything to hurt me or put me in a bad position but often times I know he wishes (I do too) I would lighten up and do something wild, crazy and completely off the charts…
Hey, Divine Ivy! Thanks for the comment! Back in April I wrote an article very similar to your comment. It was then followed up by a 30 day sex challenge. You may want to check it out when you get the chance at https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2010/04/08/r….
I love the article and it was exactly what I needed to hear from another Chritan women especially the last part “when I was a child …” I did not see the sex challenge bit I would like the information. Im a big girl now and Im feeling up for a challenge 🙂