Someone recently asked me how you deal with friends of the opposite sex once you are in a serious relationship. I wrote an article a while back which discusses how I was in a relationship where the woman had problems with any interaction I had with other women. Regardless if the relationship was purely platonic, close friends, or work related, it was all an issue to her. The question made me think about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate for relationships of the opposite sex when we are married or serious. Here are three important points to consider:
1. You Should Always Consider Your Mate’s Feelings
In my situation I mentioned above, her opinion was priority #1. The problem I had was that for me (and you have to make that distinction—what does or does not work for you), she had zero level of trust. It wasn’t my fault she couldn’t trust a man, it was left over baggage from how she was treated before. Although my example didn’t have a perfect ending in our relationship, it doesn’t change the fact that your mate’s opinion has to be your first priority when it comes to peers, friends, co-workers, any relationship with the opposite sex. You have to hear them and what they may have experienced in the past or learned growing up will impact their concerns. You have to discuss this topic and be on the same page on this going into marriage or it can become a problem after you are married.
2. Friends Don’t Sleep Together
We have to define what a friend is. If you look up the definition of friends on google, the first one that appears is: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. “Friends with benefits” is an oxymoron. By definition a friend is not a jump off or former jump off. In my experience those people are not friends. Once you have taken the relationship to a sexual level, you will notice unless you start dating and/or progressing in your relationship, you often lose the friendship outside of the bedroom you once had. Women will often tell men once they have sex it can’t go back to being like it was.
Both in the relationships around my life and my sessions with clients, sex changes the nature of the relationship. You need to be aware of that when you have ex bootie-calls around as “friends” when you’re trying to have a serious monogamous relationship. You’re not helping yourself or your relationship. You are unnecessarily tempting fate and it’s understandable why your mate doesn’t want that part of your past around their relationship.
3. If You Say He’s Just a Friend…Then Bring Him Around
We’ll thank Biz Markie for that line, but it’s real talk. You say he’s (or she’s) just a friend…so bring them around. If your friend of the opposite sex is just a friend, then there’s no reason they can’t interact with your mate. If you don’t bring them around purposefully, then you are giving the appearance of impropriety by being a little shady. Give your mate reasons to trust you!
4. Set Ground Rules for Your Relationship
Every relationship is different and exists with its own dynamics and set of ground rules the couple imposes. Each couple has to actually SET those ground rules. True friendships are important, but my wife’s happiness is most important in my life. If that means my single female friends have to be kept at a distance because that was the agreement for OUR specific relationship, then that’s what it means; it may be different for each couple. Honor the boundaries you set and by doing so you honor your mate.
BMWK – what are your tips on keeping friends of the opposite sex when you are married or a serious relationship?
Thanks for the aricals. Yes secrets and friends like that both men and women don’t think it’s a problem one think I believe is if you have people in your past that you had sex with, they should not be friends with you on FB? What do you think ?
I think if you are married, then the same rules from the article apply to social media as they apply to life. Thanks for the comments!
What do you think should happen if your spouse tells you..I am friends with this person and that is not going to change.
Background: you do not know this person, they became friends since you have been married however they dont see this person on a regular basis just when they attend a 2x a year conference.
In a situation like you are describing, it’s important for the person with the new friend to consider their spouse’s feelings. It would probably be a good idea if the person with the friend was bringing them around their mate, as I mention in the article. Thanks!
I had a awesome male friend who was just a great person all around. About three years into our friendship, I got married and he met someone and got married after that. But the only problem is this women is stalking me, if I call to just say hello she will call me afterwards to see what we talked about, they didn’t attend my wedding because she claimed she was sick with a unknown sickness and she insisted he take her to the hospital, they didn’t come to my child’s birthday party because she gave him the wrong date for the party, she has sent me a facebook friend request that I will not accept because I’m a little scared of her mental health. When he invites me and my husband to their events, she’s always looking at me and telling me how pretty I am, but roles her eyes when I look away. When I came to their baby shower she looked mortified when I walked through the door and tried to kick my gift to the side, while touching on my hair telling me how beautiful I am, when I came to their child’s birthday party, she got upset that one of her girlfriends completed me on how pretty my daughter was and she snapped at the girl to stop looking at my child. I also picked up she has insecurity issues because of her looks and body type. At this point, I do not answer his usual every six month call anymore , just to say hi and how are the kids and your husband doing, because I feel this woman may hurt me or my child because of her insecurities. Although he and I are still facebook friends, at this point I have to wish him the best in life and move on. After speaking with my husband about the situation, he just stated she’s unattractive and he’s the only guy that wants her and she knows that and you’re a threat to her because she has such low self esteem.
@anonymous First of all why would your husband say that she thinks you are a threat.Seems like he’s saying that you can have her husband if you wanted. If you are a threat to her then her husband is a threat to him.
I was just asked this question!! I shared my thoughts but I will be sharing your article too.