by Harriet Hairston
Danger zone: a dangerous area; a geographical region, personal association, or scope of activity in which the probability of loss, injury or other undesirable outcomes is at its highest. Perhaps warning signs along open manhole covers in the city come to mind when you think about this definition. But what about the danger zones we encounter within our minds, decisions and actions each day?
As much as I would like to believe that there is NOTHING within me that would betray my husband and our relationship, the reality of the matter is everyone–no matter how committed, no matter how saved, no matter how full of respect, no matter how deeply in love–has a danger zone. Humanity without boundaries and a daily vitamin of self-checks is capable of all kinds of evil and mischief.
Marriages are not exempt. In fact, it is arguably more important for married couples to keep a guard around their hearts and associations to prevent the divorce rates in this country from going any higher.
Allow me to give an example: before I got married, most of my closest friends were of the opposite sex. That was fine with me…it was always cool to get to listen to a man’s point of view regarding different circumstances I encountered. It was comforting to know that along with my older brother and father, there was a cadre of brothers who would be more than willing to come to my rescue or provide sage advice whenever needed.
What WASN’T fine with that situation was the fact that deep inside, many of these “brothers” were secretly part of my catalog of men. If any of them were bold enough to attempt telling me they wanted to be more than friends, I could always play one of two cards: “I don’t want to mess up our friendship,” or “This could be the start of something beautiful…from friends to lovers.”
The brothers in the former category made the cut when it came time for me to get married. The ones in the latter category, as much as I cared for them, as much as I respected them…there was always the inherent sexual attraction that could have crossed the line at any given time. And guess who would be my choice to talk to when things between my husband and I were crazy? You guessed it! The buddy ol’ pal who would hug me, wipe my tears away, and perhaps whisper in my ear that given the opportunity, he would make it all better.
DANGER ZONE!
To prevent such a travesty from taking place, I summarily cut off every brother in that “something beautiful” category from my life.
Some other danger zones I have noticed among friends and observations:
- Coworkers who seem to linger beyond the surface discussions and business talk of your daily work schedule. Giving compliments, sharing meals, and otherwise taking special interest in you at work. DANGER ZONE!
- Facebook high school classmates or other individuals you haven’t seen or heard from in years. One day, you’re reminiscing, the next day, you’re talking about how you secretly had a crush on them in high school. They say it was mutual. DANGER ZONE!
- Gym muses…the brother or sister on the treadmill or in the Zumba class that you can’t take your eyes off of. The moment he or she speaks to you, you become enthralled. DANGER ZONE!
- The butterflies you feel when you’re talking to someone you recently met, and you connect on a deeper level than you expected. DANGER ZONE!
This is not to say that when you encounter situations like this you should run, hide and cower under a rug somewhere until your feelings subside. But when these seemingly small feelings arise, acknowledge them and tread carefully.
Besides, you wouldn’t want to find yourself in a hole, trying to climb your way back into your spouse’s good graces, would you? It’s not worth it.
BMWK, what other kinds of danger zones have you observed or encountered? How did you acknowledge them and prevent yourself from stumbling into trouble?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: “author.” You can purchase her first book, “Who Are You?” simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at [email protected].
Harriet! Get out of my mind and out of my marriage! LOL. What a perfect post. Perfect, perfect, perfect! 🙂
Great post! Similar to what I intended to write this week-lol. Having access to every old friend, ex, etc. on sites like facebook makes it even more important to recognize the danger zones and avoid them. Being married doesn't keep you from having human feelings that could damage your marriage!
Another danger zone is this:
My husband tells me how beautiful I am to him all the time…even when I just wake up with to' up hair, stank breath and drool dried up on my mouth. So I take it for granted. He finds me beautiful in any setting. But if a man tells me I'm beautiful when I'm really looking good, I call myself lighting up. SMH I have to check myself!
Aja, girl, I love, love, love the straight forward, no nonsense way you write about things! PLEASE write the article! I want to read it!
Tara…my bad, girlie. I thought it was just me! LOL
OPPORTUNITY & DESIRE – DANGER!!! DANGER!!!! DANGER!!! I learned that these two combined will open the door for all of those secret encounters tucked away in our hearts and minds. Thank you Harriet for reminding us to BEWARE of the danger zones!!! I have to catch myself too. I hope Im not sounding too preachy when I say this: we are reminded in the Jeremiah 17:8 – “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked: who can know it.†Like Aja said, the human feelings are real. Harriet I agree 100%, “Humanity without boundaries and a daily vitamin of self-checks is capable of all kinds of evil and mischief.†Im a witness!!!
Girl, that's one of my favorite scriptures! Don't worry about sounding preachy…truth is TRUTH, and it can be ignored, but not refuted.
I refuse to trust my mind, emotions or body as stand alone methods to the decisions I make and actions I take. Danger is danger, no matter how good it looks or feels initially.
GREAT comment!
This has been a hot topic in my household for a while. My husband and I have watched several couples divorce due to “danger zones”. It's truly sad.
Guilty as charged! I find myself creeping into the dark corners of my mind which house the good ole times with my girls father. Knowing doggone well that there is a reason that brother is in my past and MUST remain there. Not to mention it would not be worth it to mess up the blessing I have standing before me now!! Harriet I agree with Tara! Get out of my mind!!! LOL
LOL…admission is the first step to recovery, sis! The sooner we expose the lies and fickle feelings for what they are, the sooner we check ourselves and cautiosly tread around the danger zones.
This has also been a “hot topic” in my household as well. I personally didn't keep friends with old flames but if I ran into them on the street I would say hello quick chat on life and keep it moving. I have found that alot of the women that my husband has come across on FB from his high school years have no problem being a mistress and let it be known…they got to go!!! We are human and it is quite easy to blush at the pursuit but that is enough fuel to keep the advances going, it's happened to me and I have had to stop it in its tracks. Some people need their egos stroked…
I truly agree! I periodically check my husband's face book account. Not because I don't trust him, I don't trust them! And who knows, maybe one day I forget to tell him he look nice and etc. and the enemy through them decides to tell him- conversation started- trap set! How do I know, b/c I've had to tell a couple of old classmates who by the way are married themselves, that I'm happily married to My Husband! And to close the door to the enemy- I seldom have my chat button on to let people know I'm on Face Book!
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I thought I was the only one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEW!!!!!
I guess I'm the only guy checking in and I haven't commented on BMWK in a LONG time so here goes a danger zone for ya: You're kids' school. In school there is a hotbed of tension just ready to “jump off”. There's that parent (you could be that parent yourself) that is always there picking up their kid or kids at the same time as you. You smile and say hello because that's the polite thing to do but over time you begin to realize that that parent was more attractive than you initially realized, or even bothered to notice. Trouble begins to brew if he/she begins to give off the same vibe toward you. The day you or they say, “we should go get some coffee or something after school” consider yourself, done, cooked and baked.
And then there's the teachers themselves, sometimes even the principals are on the lurk noticing you giving your all as a parent or just wondering what you're like versus whoever they are or are not with. And as married folk it's so refreshing to be acknowledged in a way that sometimes (or all the time) your spouse forgets. If you give in, you're headed for trouble.
Fight it!
Jesus must be coming back soon…E. Payne has commented on BMWK!!!! Listen for the trumpet, y'all! ROFL
Seriously, though, that's a GREAT example, E. Payne! Thanks for putting that one out there…I can imagine that happens quite often on school grounds.
this is a HUGE DANGER ZONE.
I have seen these mommies at work in the parking lots of schools going on an on about how special men are for being at the school. I have seen principals salivating after men who they think are just “wonderful fathers”.
watch your man if he is hanging around the school yard too much – opportunities are abundant.
Such a great article…and ladies I love and appreciate your comments. As a newlywed, all positive “real” advice is welcomed!
Another Danger Zone…
For those who have unequally yoked marriages- in other words, you're into Jesus and assemble yourself with other Believers in the Church- however your spouse doesn't…
Well to simply smile off comments from the opposite sex (single and married…) such as:
“your husband doesn't realize what he has”
“your husband should thank God, he has a woman of God.”
“I would never allow my family to be somewhere without me.”
And /or discussing with them how you feel about your spouse not being there and how they feel about anticipating the woman God has for them SHOULD BE OFF LIMITS!
Temptation waits at the door to deceive and make us believe that what we have isn't good enough and most of ALL we deserve better! He may “go to church” but if He walks in the Word of God, He would know that those comments are not of God to a “Married Women.”
So at the end of the day, we ( I can only speak for women) shouldn't put ourselves in any situation no matter how small and innocent it may seem that we wouldn't engage in if OUR HUSBANDS WERE PRESENT!
Wow…I've seen that one happen a few times! Thanks for adding it…I totally forgot about that!
People today do not value marriages anymore and I think this is a great article. I tell my husband about this all the time.
Great article. We need to check ourselves and our unconscious desires. The most innocous encounter can turn into something regrettable if we are not aware of how things can begin. It's so easy to fall for a little comment when you are having a bad day. Marriage is hard work and we need to be aware of all of the danger zones that are along the route.
how about the play cousin that you grew up with and i mean grew up with and when you see him/her after 15 years you give them a hug and it feels toooo good and you dont see them anymore. How about the fine pediatrician who just started that day and you and your hubby were going at it(fighting) right before you got to the drs for your kids appt and um um um u got to shake shake shake shake it offffff. and then when he see you he always always stops and yall chat it up. DANGER
Right on target. God help us.
Maybe I'm just too old or whatever, but I honestly see those things being far more 'dangerous' to men than us ladies. Maybe because most of us have grown accustomed to fending off come-ons, but…I don't know, someone trying to step to me in church? Does this really happen to women? I mean, I've seen women come up to my husband in church and he told me about a few incidents at the job, but I don't know — he's the cute one in the relationship so maybe that has more to do with it.
Definitely happens in church. My husband says that not everyone on their knees is praying.
Oh, how I wish that were true. It's not the obvious stuff that will get a wise woman caught up. It's the subtle innuendo and tension in a conversation that has nothing at all to do with doing the wrong thing.
In fact, just yesterday I had to cut off somone that I have a whole lot of respect for because the need to chit chat with him was way too great…I'm sitting at the doggone computer humming Erykah Badu's “Next Lifetime,” and I don't even believe in reincarnation! LOL I had to let it go.
Temptation is one thing, but when it graduates beyond that, you're asking to get burnt. I can't say that myhusband has ever encountered that kind of temptation before.
And I think it's important to note that TEMPTATION is not going to come in a package that doesn't look/feel good to us. Otherwise, it ain't temptation at all. If I'm on a bus, and I see the devil with horns, tail and pitchfork, you think I'm finna let him sit beside me? But if he comes with a zest for life and writing, great conversation and is complimentary of MY writing…watch out! LOL
I think that having communication is the key, when you hide things and are not truthful about what your true intentions are whether it be facebook or anything else that is where the problem can present itself. I have a similar issue at home and for one reason reason or another i have been able to ignore it. I know deep down its not the best course of action but until ( I) step up to the plate and make more of a statement then it will continue. I have so many other things going on that i tend to put it on the back burner. I know deep down that it bothers me but until he is ready to leave it alone and respect the fact that i have already voiced my opinion on the issue it will never really be resolved.