So many people never find the one, that’s why I really want to tell you something; I really think this is it for me, I really think you’re the one I need. – Trey Songz
Yes, as I continued my flight it got really weird as this was the exact next song that came on my Ipod. It’s a Trey Songz song entitled “One Love.” Okay for those of you who missed part 1 of this article it was entitled When “Fireworks” Aren’t Enough: Chemistry vs. Compatibility. We were discussing how when dating many times we tend to confuse chemistry with compatibility and as a result we will get into relationships and marriages based on the butterflies and lustful feelings, but without considering the functional things that help maintain a relationship. You should go check that one out and then come back to this one. Okay back to our regularly scheduled program! According to Trey you have now found “the one”….now come follow me…!
When we left off ya’ll were about to get married because you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and because it just “felt so right.” You knew in your hearts that you weren’t compatible, but the proposal was so nice, the wedding plans began, and this is going to be the big day to put on a show for all of your friends and family. Besides…all of your DIFFERENCES about finances, religion, family, kids, careers, etc., I’m sure you can compromise on all of that right!? WRONG!
Does it really matter if you are Muslim and they are Christian? Does it really matter you believe a woman should stay at home with the kids, but she wants to be the CEO of her corporation? Oh and y’all didn’t realize that that kid that he already has…oh yeah the child support check will be coming out of both of your pockets now, so you can’t get an attitude and say “that’s not my child.” I also hope you didn’t think that because y’all got married that she was going to stop giving you a hard time every time you want to go hang out with the fellas and watch the game because she is so insecure that she automatically assumes you are going to see a woman. You thought that just because he had a great sex drive that suddenly he was going to have DRIVE in real life didn’t you. You didn’t realize that marriage doesn’t change a lack of ambition and now you want to plan to have kids & a family of your own, but his ability to provide won’t allow it. HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!
So now you have been married for two years and frustration sets in. The arguing has started, the lack of communication begins to manifest, and all of those butterflies…yeah they died because it’s hard to focus on intimacy when the household is out of order and you are in a constant state of conflict. Remember how when he used to touch you your hormones would start raging; now when he touches you, you give him that look of disgust because you feel like he isn’t being much of a man at all. Oh and it doesn’t help that y’all still can’t agree on a church (remember he is Muslim and you are Christian) so it’s hard to even get on the same page spiritually. Now you are sitting in a divorce lawyers office and the lawyer asks…”well why are you looking to get divorced” and your response is…..yes you guessed it…”well we just aren’t compatible!”
What’s my point!? My point is very simple….starting a relationship takes chemistry, but sustaining a relationship takes compatibility. Many times we stack the deck against ourselves because the chemistry is so strong that we ignore the compatibility issues. Choosing a mate is not a business deal, but it definitely takes strategy. With that said I encourage you to date with a purpose and “Choose Wisely My Friends!”
BMWK Fam get involved in the conversation: What are some things that should be discussed to find out if you are compatible with someone?
The Incompatibility Cocktail is created from a blend of ¼ cup of unmet expectations, ¼ cup of unwillingness to accept and embrace a new environment, and ½ cup of time.
Everyone that dates, and subsequently marries has expectations of how life is going to be. Those expectations were crafted long before he met her – or she met him. We are just waiting to find that special someone that we believe will fit that mold.
However, what we sometimes don’t take into account is the cascading effects that someone else’s beliefs, behavior, judgment, and decisions, will have on our lives. So when those external elements cause our expectant picture of married-life to get out of focus, we start looking at who’s the cause of this blurriness and subsequently blaming him/her for our distorted outlook.
But the real reason is that one or both of us are unwilling to accept and embrace a new way of life – a new environment – other than the one we’ve already prescribed before we even met our mate. The greater the deviation from the expected…the greater the unwillingness to accept and embrace…the deeper trenches dug…and the strong resentment felt toward their mate. Over time, like cancer, it metastasizes and grows. As time continues, the next thing you know, you looking for a lawyer talking about, “We’re just not compatible.”
When making the cocktail of what married life will be like, leave half the glass empty. Have standards…indeed – and know what you’re looking for. But allow your mate the room to fill up the rest of the glass with what he expects married life to be like.
This is what dating couples should be looking for in spouse…someone that has a vision for their own future – but the flexibility to allow both people to bring their own top-self supply to the party and concoct a new drink neither one of you have ever had before.
Very well said Heath! Your thoughts and insights are spot on! Thanks for the comments!