Dear Dr. Buckingham

I am a 38-year-old married woman and my husband is 34. My husband and I have 3 beautiful daughters and have been married 11 years. We have had our share of challenges over the years, but honestly despite them, I was feeling good about our relationship up until last week. My husband watches porn in secret on his cell phone despite the fact that I have told him I don’t like it. It is causing and has caused major problems in our marriage. I don’t know why my husband has to have his own little sex life, especially when ours in lacking.

My husband works long hours and a daunting schedule and it is definitely wearing on our sex life, however I had been giving 110% waiting up in lingerie with candlelight and hours of fun. He was working 14 hour days with a 2 hour commute both ways. Well, I find out he has been downloading porn again.

He has done this on and off for 9 years. He says he stopped but he hasn’t. It really messes with me. I feel betrayed.  He turns me off because it hurts that he would rather watch that than come to me. I am lacking as well. Finding out that he is keeping this secret again really gets under my skin. Well, I’ve found his porn over ten times now and each time I am ready to let him go. If he has to lust over other people, masturbate or whatever he is doing, he does not need to be with me.

We both need to realize that life is too short and if you want to go live your fantasy life, go ahead. He doesn’t believe our marriage should be on the line just because he watches porn. I have to explain to him that I believe the porn may be part of our bedroom problem. He often has issues maintaining an eructation, which leads me to think he may be thinking about his porn. I feel like our intimacy is jeopardized because of his habit.

I’ve been trying to get to the root of this problem to better understand, and all I can come up with is that he is tired of being with the same woman. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel I’ve done all I can do. When we sweep the issue under the rug time after time, it leaves me feeling like I’m living a lie. I really don’t have a happy home if my husband is doing this in his spare time instead of making love to his wife.

He sees porn as adult entertainment and doesn’t care that it bothers me until I am ready to walk away from my marriage. I see it as a violation and believe that he is committing adultery. My marriage is in jeopardy over my husband’s porn habit. What Can I Do To Prevent Porn From Destroying My Marriage?

Dear Wife In Distress,

Unfortunately, sexual misconduct in the form of pornography is destroying many marriages. The difficulty with porn is that mental health professionals are not sure if it is an “addiction” or a compulsion. Porn addicts exhibit behavior that is similar to substance abuse addicts. Behavior might include lying about use, being secretive, becoming defensive and minimizing the affect. When an individual becomes dependent on something (alcohol, drugs, porn, etc.) their tolerance increases. This means that they need more and more to feel satisfied.

Some men use porn because they are unhappy and some use it to simply live out fantasies that their wives are not capable of or willing to fulfill. Also, some men use porn to enhance masturbation or to cope with declining sexual functioning. Finally, some men are just compulsive in nature and have difficulty with changing certain behavior.

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