by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Perhaps it’s just me but it seems that the number of male experts on why women are unsuccessful in relationships is increasing rapidly. On any given day I can turn on the radio, walk through a book store or even cut on the television and see or hear something along the lines of “ladies this is why you can’t get/keep a man” written or spoken by a man who has somehow tapped into every section of the female mind. I know many women who follow this advice religiously, taking notes and applying it to their own relationships (or relationship pursuits).
As someone who is always open to new information and good advice, I have no problem with hearing different messages, whether or not I agree with the content. However I do have a problem with the number of men who now feel qualified to tell women that the relationship “problem” is somehow all our problem. My biggest issue is this:
If the failed relationships that we are discussing are between men and women, and if women are dealing with these bad relationships on a regular basis, then wouldn’t it be fair to assume that men are having just as much relationship success (or lack thereof) as women? It takes two to build a healthy relationship and, in most cases, it takes two to tear it apart. If women need so much help in relationships, which we seem to be getting whether we want it or not, who is helping the men?
In fact outside of the great male contributors that we have on this website, I see very little advice, especially in the African-American community, directed toward men about how to become better partners and spouses. Most of the advice about successful communication, choosing the right mate, keeping your love life exciting etc., targets women. Maybe it’s just the circles that I hang out in, but I know quite a few men who have had their share of bad relationships. The difference that I’ve come to realize is that when a man is in a bad relationship, the relationship went bad because of what she did wrong. If a woman is in a bad relationship, the relationship went bad because of what she did wrong. If a woman cheats, it’s because she was a bad woman. If a man cheats, it’s because the woman wasn’t doing something to keep her man from cheating. The burden of the success or failure of the relationship falls solely on the shoulders of the woman, and I think that is too heavy of a burden for us to keep holding up alone.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote a great post the other day about male leadership in a marriage that got a wide range of responses. In my opinion, one of the reasons why less men are willing to step into that leadership role and less women are willing to step away from it is the fact a lot of men are not being raised to be household leaders, and often because of this type of thinking. A leader does not enjoy the benefits of leadership and then step back and point the finger when problems arise. A leader holds himself accountable for his actions and his mistakes. I think that if more of these men focused on coaching men to be better partners instead of charging women with all of the responsibility for success we might be a whole lot better off.
Why is so much of today’s relationship advice for women? Do women naturally incur more responsibility for relationship success?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
I agree with the article. There should be more emphasis on men being better partners.
However, when it comes to taking the leadership role in a relation where you’re working with a “damaged” woman who has been in nothing but bad relationships and struggles with submitting to her man to let him be THE LEADER because of all of the hurt and paint that she’s been through.
In society, this is a common tale…
There are several books and websites that advise men on relationship issues. The problem is that many men don’t read them. Men like to feel as if they are in control and don’t like others to tell them what to do or how to behave. Readership on my blogs Mocha Dad (fatherhood) and Making it Last Forever (marriage) is mostly women.
Good Day! Not one to comment on blogs regularly, I just could NOT let this one pass me by! I have just three words for you: MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!
My heart has been carrying the same weight you expressed here. With ever a keen eye, I , too, have observed the same. With careful sussing, one must conclude that we are doing a disservice to our beautiful men when we don’t invite them to share relationship responsibilities.
Thank you very much for confirming I was seeing clearly and that, although I wear glasses, my vision is not that impaired!
Enjoy your day!
I’ve been thinking the same thing and the mothers who are raising these inept men are not trying to take the blame either. Women are now raising their daughters to believe they don’t need a man or financial support or other and men being raised mostly by their mothers alone at this point are being spoiled into thinking they will have a wife like their mother to do and be all for them. Which in itself leaves us a lopsided society of women ready to be women in every aspect and fashion and boys growing into grown boys never taking the reighns or responsibility as men but relying on their wives and girlfriends and sometimes still their mothers for things they should be taking care of themselves. I still believe that things can be equal if we raise our sons and daughters to be conscientious, unselfish, responsiblle and financially savvy then they woud be able to go out and find good partners with the same values and upbringing and they wil lbe successful.
“Which in itself leaves us a lopsided society of women ready to be women in every aspect and fashion ”
I would think that women ready to be women in every aspect would include being ready to be the woman in a relationship, but I think that is precisely where we fail. A woman who does not know how to be interdependent in a relationship will not have a successful one. And so the cycle will continue.
I have been thinking the same exact thing for awhile now. I never comment on blogs, actually this is my first time but I couldn’t pass this one up.
A few years ago my husband and I were not getting along, whenever I researched marital advice, I noticed that it was mostly geared towards the woman. This bothered me. It was like all the advice out there was telling women how to help him change, what to do to make him feel connected, how to change herself so that he would understand her, etc. I couldn’t believe that men were making blogs, writing books, etc telling women what she isn’t doing and what she needs to start doing.
Men lack skills as well and sometimes it’s not about what women need to do or need to stop doing. Men need advice as well. They sometimes forget to be or never knew how to be leaders, affectionate, caring, open, etc.
When will all the relationship blame on women stop?
What are we teaching the young men that are still learning how to be men?
Would these men give that same advice that they give women to their daughters?
Good post!
I believe the majority of relationship advice in the past 10-15 years has been negative towards men and now men are finally less afraid to speak up. I for one have been exhausted from hearing about us African-American men not being educated, being imprisoned, falling behind our “black female” counterparts etc. I agree it indeed takes two however I find it interesting the relationship advice I hear from African-American females are often from single or divorced women. The advice I hear from happily married African-American females is vastly different from those single ones. So in essence, I think it is about time us men step up and declare how we envision healthy relationships especially in this world where masculinity has been de-emphasized. There can only be one leader in the house and for many single females this is hard to comprehend.
I hear you Tessie, however this isn’t something that’s new. This is exactly how we (society) got to where we are now…
I personally am reading “TD Jakes Speaks To Men” which is an excellent book for men transitioning into a healthy relationship.
The relationship advice targets women because women have shown that they will buy these books, watch shows, and otherwise financially support Harvey and the rest. It’s all about money. They’ll keep doing Nightline specials until the cows come home if people continue to watch. It’s another thing for the media to milk.
This will be an oversimplified answer but it can be part of the reason. Women ask. Men don’t.
Writers, publishers, advertisers, marketing experts have all been trained to target the audience that is asking the questions. If men aren’t asking questions about relationships, very few people make the investment of time and money to publish material that will not be purchased or read. I’m not addressing the issue of if whether men need the information. The question was “Why is relationship advice directed at women?” and part of the reason is simply because women ask for advice, and most men do not. Yes, they need to ask, but they don’t. Men don’t even ask for directions while driving, a car… The follow up question to this article would need to be WHY DON’T MEN ASK FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE? If they did, you can believe they would be targeted. Just look at TV commercials and see all the money that is spent targeting the issues that advertisers feel men are concerned about.
The nail has been hit on the head. We do not have enough men being raised to know or comprehend the leadership role. Although a woman can know how to be a leader, it is the man’s rightful place to be the leader. We have generations of men who are not being raised by men and therefore are not getting the training that is required. Although women do bear their part of the responsibility; much of that is because we have been taught the responsibility of “making a dollar out of fifteen cents” due to the lack of menthat will walk in and stay in the place of the leaderof the household.
As much as I would like to get into this “tit for tat” thing. I think the real problem who supplies the advice and whether or not they have a successful track record in relationships. Maybe it does seem like there are more men giving women advice….. but its only in response to decades of women’s publications, blogs, websites, conferences where women seem to claim they can give other women insight into the mind of a man. How about we stop guessing each others behavior and communicate. Whats the point in reading all the “top 10 things” articles to get insight on men/women when you can just ask the person you’re with and learn about the individual?
Its amazing how non-confrontational we’ve become about how to engage each other.everyone is so afraid of making a mistake or saying/doing the wrong things because we’ve become so jaded and intolerant of each other. Every time someone does something remotely wrong it immediately brings up all the movies and articles that “warn” you of the worst case scenario that could stem from it. People are so scared because all they do is feed themselves fear. Instead of finding out how to be the best person we can be, we focus on how to be ready for the worst. We surround ourselves with girlfriends and homeboys who also don’t know any better and we allow them to perpetuate the fears we have. Just my two cents.
ChrisG, stole the words right out of my mouth. Women, want to know why men act the way they do, why our relationships struggle. I agree Aja, more of our men need to seek guidance to help improve relationships. I am happy to say that my most reaching coaching client requests have come from men! Yay, so things are looking promising. We have to continue to encourage them, with sites like BMWK. Great topic!
I totally agree with this post. Too much of what passes for legitimate relationship advice is geared at women yet no one asks anything of men. Magazines advise women on things they can do to keep their man from cheating. While I do believe there are things that both parties can do to strengthen their relationships, it is totally unfair to burden women with the responsibility of keeping their men faithful. You are right, personal reflection and introspection is a much more effective strategy for identifying relationship failure than pointing fingers.
@reef- I definitely agree that women will seek relationship advice much more than men and women buy more books, magazines etc. than men in general so I am sure that the advice will continue to target women. It just bothers me that so much of it is broadcast in a way that makes it seem like men play no role in a relationship and that women seem to be eating it up without asking any questions. Just because someone can publish a book doesn’t make it the gospel truth but somehow that seems to be the perception.
“Whats the point in reading all the “top 10 things” articles to get insight on men/women when you can just ask the person you’re with and learn about the individual?”
My thoughts exactly. It seems that we spend so much time looking for the secret to understanding our partners through all different means instead of taking the time to understand our partner as an individual. Advice can be helpful when it comes from the right source but at the end of the day who knows your spouse better- the person who sleeps with him or her every night or someone with a history of bad relationships that wrote a book?
As much as I would like to get into this “tit for tat” thing. I think the real problem who supplies the advice and whether or not they have a successful track record in relationships. Maybe it does seem like there are more men giving women advice….. but its only in response to decades of women’s publications, blogs, websites, conferences where women seem to claim they can give other women insight into the mind of a man. How about we stop guessing each others behavior and communicate. Whats the point in reading all the “top 10 things” articles to get insight on men/women when you can just ask the person you’re with and learn about the individual?
Its amazing how non-confrontational we’ve become about how to engage each other.everyone is so afraid of making a mistake or saying/doing the wrong things because we’ve become so jaded and intolerant of each other. Every time someone does something remotely wrong it immediately brings up all the movies and articles that “warn” you of the worst case scenario that could stem from it. People are so scared because all they do is feed themselves fear. Instead of finding out how to be the best person we can be, we focus on how to be ready for the worst. We surround ourselves with girlfriends and homeboys who also don’t know any better and we allow them to perpetuate the fears we have. Just my two cents.
“Is Anyone Advising the Men?” Interesting article.
Aja, this is so on point. I never thought about it until you brought it up, but the proof is in the pudding. If it’s about the money, there’s definitely a market for it. Put an advice column in mags like Maxim and SI; subscribe to verysmartbrothas.com; check out MMWH. There’s a market for male voices reaching a male audience. The focus just needs to be more balanced.
Again, AWESOME post!
Regardless of what you may think of the advice, (most of it is BS) the simple fact of the matter is, women have ALWAYS been more vocal about their troubles in relationships. Add to that, women are the largest consumers of that type of stuff….from books…movies…I mean, really, if there wasn’t a market for it, people wouldn’t sell it. Women asked, “Why do ya’ll treat us this way, why are things this way between us”, and wanted a male perspective…well, you got it. You can’t have it both ways…because you don’t like the answer, doesn’t automatically make the answer wrong either. Granted, there are a bunch of fools spewing nonsense out there…but even in the case of Steve Harvey, who’s kind of a clown to me, he makes sure to note, “I am not a relationship counselor, I am giving my opinion.” People ran out and bought the book, because they listened to his show, and liked his OPINION. Why are ya’ll mad at that? I don’t get it?
At the same time, the blame for things has ALWAYS been placed at black men’s feet. We’ve been constantly inundated with the images of black men failing in just about every department there is, whether it’s relationships, finances, careers, family life…whatever category you want to take it to. Let’s be realistic…there are plenty of failures we have as black men….a lot of the criticism is fair…but not EVERY black man falls into those categories. Yet we ALL carry that burden for those who lack, regardless of what our own current status may be. So let’s not act like we haven’t carried the burden of stigma too…it’s a slightly different perspective, but at the end of the day, same negative results.
I just think, regardless of race, men and women just see things differently, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but because it seems that people don’t think beyond the superficial layer, it winds up being adversarial, and lines drawn in the sand. Each person has to look at THEMSELVES. You can’t say, I’m changing this for a man…or I’m changing this for a woman…you should change based on what is best for you as a person PERIOD. I read some hilarious crap the other day…one guy was saying women gotta let a man be a man. LOL! I understood what he was trying to say, but even on the surface, that’s absurd? You either are a man, or you aren’t. By the same token, the female’s rebuttal was equally hilarious…her premise was basically let a woman be a woman…but it was unrealistic…why should a man take unfavorable treatment from a woman, just because he’s a man? We’re all humans, period. If you selfish, you’re selfish! How am I more of a man or woman because I put up with it?!?! LOL! It’s ridiculous. People are so unrealistic when it comes to what they expect out of the next person. And I’m not talking about ‘lowering your standards’. I’m talking about BE WHAT IT IS YOU WANT. People assume that having a nice gig, some money in the bank, and appearing a certain way are all that’s needed. Look, a good person is a good person regardless of those outside things, just like a bad person is a bad person, regardless of achievements. I think when WE become better people period, things will become easier for US all.
Just my OPINION.
100.
I have been in this in this fight for the past 5 years with my wife teaching and providing guidance for men and women, and my wife and I are doing a helluva job. In addition to my relationship work I also have a ministry (8 years old) for brothers where these issues are discussed on a regular. So there are men out here (Ayize Ma’at from Bintentional.com, Bro. Jamil Muhammad from Basic Training for Couples, Lamar Tyler and I have a host of other that I can personally name). No disrespect to Steve Harvey, but these are the brothers who are putting in the grind for Black Love and are challenging men and men are responding to there challenge.
Now as for the inspiration of your post I disagree in large parts and brothers like J Will, Dallas Black and reefinyateef explained it perfectly. I also love and appreicate the valuable comments provided by Mochadad, who has an excellent blog, (many brothers won’t take the time to read), and ChrisG, who stated men don’t ask (many brothers who come to my relationship workshops admit they come unwillingly). Nor can we forget Delano comment on no one thinks its important enough to ask men. I see too many article at the checkout count, written by women about what’s wrong with men. Aja, we tired too of being talked at and talked about.
But with all that said (prideful plug) check out http://www.ruleyourwife316.com and then tell me if no one is providing relationship to men (and I know the title is killing you – right). After your read I’m interesting in hearing your thoughts.
I agree with much of what has been said here. Relationship material has definitely focused more on women, been marketed to women, and is being consumed by women. That has created a never-ending cycle of books, tapes, seminars and talk shows that are geared toward women. I also think that because of this never ending cycle we are creating a cycle where women feel an ever increasing need to do more/be “better”.
I agree that more substantive relationship material needs to get out into the marketplace. I wonder though if traditional male magazines will publish those types of articles. Men are being taught how to be successful in bed, in their bank accounts, and in their jobs/hobbies. Very rarely, IMO, is there an article about being a good husband/father. Sites like MMWH are important in this.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say the opposite of most of the posts out here. Yes, part of the problem is that men don’t ask for help/advice as often as women. Yes, part of the problem is that publishers know that men are less likely to relationship books. But my question is, when did we become a society that is obsessed with relationship books and self help. If anything, I think there are too many relationship books out there. Whatever happened to people trying to figure it out on their own. It may be a spurious correlation and it may not, but I can’t help but mention that the number of relationship books on the market has risen right along with the divorce rate. If these books really worked, we should be seeing the opposite trend.
Whatever happened to going to work, coming home, raising your kids, and putting a little money away for retirement. There seems to be too much self reflection and overanalyzing. Is my marriage good enough, is it strong enough, are communicating perfectly? Sometimes we need to step out of all of that and enjoy the moment for what it is. Does your spouse come home every night? Do they provide a paycheck (men and women)? Is there food on the table? Sometimes, that should be enough.
And please, everyone stop listening to Steve Harvey! He’s been married three times. What the heck does he know!?
Great points, ALL.
Thank You, Sir.
One reason why all these books tend to be targeted to women, in my opinion, is because men will not invest money in these books, and many of the people that write these books know that. What exactly makes Steve Harvey an expert on relationships? He’s probably had the same experiences that most men have. But, women will buy the book. Women will buy into the lecture series and pay to hear Steve Harvey speak. Men won’t. At the end of the day, it’s more about making money than it really is about solving the true issues at hand.
Hi Aja, your question about why relationship advice is directed at women is probably one of the number one questions posed to me during coaching sessions or interviews by women.
I will first answer your question with the obvious: Women buy more books. Women buy relationship books. Women actually reads relationship books. Therefore if you are an author and publisher, who would you target? Women! This is a business response first.
Second, I always tell women that they under estimate their power over men. Because they have more of a propensity to make a shift in perspective, it gives them single-hand power to create the type of relationship they seek. How? By understanding how the male brain works and what makes him tick and respond to variable within a relationship.
Ive coach men, given them advice and adjustments were made but nothing happened in his current relationship. As a matter of fact, many times, they will breakup. What I did do was assist him in changing his view of self and that made all the difference in the world. But that current woman did not understand how men think and the relationship dissolved. Now was it her fault? N blame game here, but all I will say is that it was within her power to correct the course. She actually saw how her words were destroying his sense of well-being and increase his shame level once she sought help. This is a no, no if you are looking to have a loving relationship with a man. You see, the core vulnerability of a woman is fear and isolation but with a man it is shame.
The women I’ve coached are given an education on the male psyche. That information has changed many to create the love they desired. They learn about the emotional vocabulary gap, words to use to affect change and what words to never use. She learns how to appeal to his provider and protector instinct and learns what he values. What normally happens is that women comes back to say that he is more loving than ever before. This is why I say that women have all the power once she understands.
Dont get me wrong, we have dogs out their but if you have a working man who has values, these techniques works like a charm.
Those reading this response should know that men have a need to succeed. He feels well when he does well. He can change his current state by actually doing something and it works out or was a success. It will increase his self-esteem at its core. Although women love to accomplish things too, it doesnt have the same meaning as men. She only does well when she feel well inside. So she is at the mercy of fate to feel good because it only comes from the inside with her. This is why it is very important that she must pamper and take care of herself in this regard.
Women are smarter than men and have the ability to multitask because most men are hyper focus souls. Her feminine energy is all knowing and why she is a perceptive being. All she has to do is water that energy with techniques and watch her flower (her relationship) grow. I call it emotional intelligence.
“I for one have been exhausted from hearing about us African-American men not being educated, being imprisoned, falling behind our “black female” counterparts etc” – HAMMER TO THE NAIL
Are women trying to date every man, or just the one she cares/loves/likes? Focus on who you have(dating), and if that man is not within the ethical parallel(realistic) of your liking, then move about.
*Unfortunately, my thoughts may be a little too simplistic for an estrogen induced forum*
There’s nothing wrong with every man, just as there is nothing wrong with every woman. However, I think the topic of “black love” (I hate this term by the way) gets over analyzed, chopped and screwed to the point where people are always looking for an explanation to why something is the way it is. And because “misery loves company”, blogs, books, movies, and nightly news topics get soaked up and substituted as a mechanisim for reality and perception.
If you had a bad experience…the leave as that(YOUR experience). Learn from what YOUR experience is/was, and try to avoid all things negative on the next go-round, and learn to live with differnces(rate them from 1 to 10; 10 being the worst).
IT’S(relationship) NOT GONNA BE HOW YOU DREW IT UP!!!! GET OVER IT!!! And enjoy life, and the people in it.
*yawns for everyone*
Just your opinion, but one that is 100% on point.
Everything has been addressed nicely. I will add that one reason why I personally don’t read these kinds of books is I always consider the source. Why should I take relationship advice from Steve Harvery or Hill Harper? Who are they? And why are they experts? Have the personally demonstrated the validity of their advice? If I want advice on how to execute my footwork on the basketball court I will look up some videos of Kobe Bryant on Youtube. But I dang sure am not looking for him to give any relational advice. Excellence in one area doesn’t mean excellence in all areas. Harvery may be good at telling jokes, but why should I take him seriously as a relational expert? If fact, I am still surprised that so many women do.
I think women are quicker to see themselves as part of a collective while men are quicker to see themselves as individuals. I am not looking for advice for “men” I am looking for advice for me. For this reason I look to people I know personally for advice. Familiarity is important because it overcomes the communication barriers that men often put up. The very nature of getting advice from complete strangers requires a level of accurate and specific communication that many men struggle with. How can I get advice on dealing with certain feelings if I cannot bring myself to express the existence of those feelings? Sometimes it takes a close friend or a mentor to point out that you are indeed dealing with something that needs to be addressed. Close acquaintances can often pick up on the nuance that can be lost when we men try to communicate what is on our minds.
Another reason I think the self-help genre doesnt reach men is that men want to participate in the discussion. For most men, learning has to be an interactive process. As a side note, I think that is one reason men dont like going to church. We dont want to be talked at for an hour. A relationship/self-help book is the equivalent of being talked at for 250 pages. That wont fly with most brothers.
Hey Bryan, I do understand what you are saying here about leaving well enough alone when things seem to be going OK. However I also feel there are many people out there having some real hurt and pain and are turning to whatever can help them when they run into that wall. In my case I assumed everything was working well until a bomb was discovered by me and I am a man who could self analysis but didn’t try to fix what I thought was not broken but I certainly appreciated having plenty of resources out there to find some answers “cause I felt humble enough to not be the “physician trying to heal thyself”. With these books I made a lot of self discovery in spite of utilizing it to save my marriage. It did help make me a better person for me and the subsequent relationships I’ve had since. No one has forced me to seek relationship books as a man but it happened out of a drive for self actualization and I suspect more men could find gratification in it. Especially between relationships. I’ve been trying to instill in my 35 yr.old son who has too many out of wedlock children that he needs to not short-change himself from day one by behaving impulsively and without character as the main foundation and definition of manhood. He talks but won’t walk the talk so maybe he can pick up one of these books before his time on earth is over. So bottom line, I’m glad to see there’s plenty on relationships out there.
Aja, I think guys seek relationship advice, just not from the minstream books and magazines as much. I seek advice from close friends and family, but most of it, I roll with the punches and figure out myself. Usually this way is tougher, but there’s no better way to learn something than to mess up and be forced to face it.
You are so right, the perception is that men are this unchangeable creatures without any ability to make a relationship successful. It’s BS but it’ll continue to flourish as people pay attention.
Yah ! What’s up with that? at the height of his success with the TV shows I thought he was still married to the mother of his children and since then I find he has been married thrice? How could he have gone through these many relationships in such a short time? What I ‘m seeing is if these successful people are currently married on the upswing to their success that marriage is sure for imploding and then this subsequent relationships and marriages surely struggling along too. Ego and insecurity issues surely has to have a strong bite on these partnerships. Marital therapists I’ve found come in two approaches. Psychologists aim at fixing the individual whereas social workers aim at fixing the couples as a whole. with these celebrities should they seek fixation before they become rich and famous or should they work more on staying together after success careers are made so both parties can enjoy the fruits of their success?
I’m sorry that you went through hurt and pain. Here’s the truth though, pain is a part of life. People will hurt you and you will hurt other people. I don’t understand how we got to this point where every painful experience requires another book or every bad relationship requires that we reexamine ourselves. I’m glad the books helped you, though.
As for your 35 year old son, the question comes, and this may be a little harsh, but what did you teach him growing up? If you taught him right, showed him proper guidance, and instilled a sense of character in him, then his mistakes are on him. You are not responsible for his actions. He’s 35 years old, the parenting is done. My main problem with these books is that you cant’ read about life lessons, you have to experience them and most relationship books are trying to give you Cliff’s Notes version of life, when if you really want to understand you have to go through some things and see your way to the other side.
Bryan somewhat confused. You said “Whatever happened to people trying to figure it out on their own.” You also said, “You can’t read about life’s lessons, you have to experience them.” Troubling statements to me.
So when you figure out life on your own, and you experience life’s lessons on your own, you don’t feel a need to share your experience, your wisdom so that others can advert at least a portion of those pitfalls that you have. Sure there will be some things that a brother must go through, but one brother’s experience can help another brother either avoid a situation or help him through it. I’m sure if I knew how to earn a multi – million salary per year you would love for me to share that information and not leave you to figure it out for yourself.
My question isn’t about relationship books, but about the spirit of sharing authentic info, and sometimes that comes in a book. There’s an old saying that goes, “If you want to hide something from a [N] put it in a book. There’s also an African proverb that goes, when an old man dies a library is buried.
Your advice provide a brother no option but to figure it out for himself and that’s advice is advice that should not be taken.
This:
“Familiarity is important because it overcomes the communication barriers that men often put up. The very nature of getting advice from complete strangers requires a level of accurate and specific communication that many men struggle with. ”
Is the real.
Great article Aja….Although we hold the brothas accountable on a regular basis at BlackLoveAndMarriage.com I take this article as a personal challenge to do more when it comes to educating and uplifting black men. 27% of our viewership are men and they frequently contribute their voice to relationship topics of relevance. So Aja don’t be dismayed…we are out here….like Reggie said…and putting in the work to make men better.
You’re so right!! I have so much else to say but I’ll just leave it at YOU’RE SO RIGHT!!!
Reggie,
You have to go back and really read my original post. My problem is the overanalyzing, the continual self-reflection, getting lost in book after book, most of which I would wager say the same few things: communication, put yourself in the other person’s shoes, pray, etc. But if most of these books are saying the same things, and you are still not getting it, then put the book down and live your life. I’ve read a lot of relationship and self help books (religious and nonreligious based) and in the end most of them did not replace the lessons I learned from going out and experiencing something new, talking to a new person, or if it is a relationship issue, talking to my significant other. I’m not against self help books, and I’m darn sure not against reading. My field is academic research, so I spend all day reading and writing. My problem is that people put so much into these books that they forget to live their lives. You want relationship advice, talk to someone who’s had a successful one for twenty plus years. If your religious, talk to someone in your church.
And you don’t want to compare things like making millions of dollars to relationships. As we have seen with this current recession, all advice should be taken lightly and with a grain of salt. Relationships are not money making schemes. They are individualized cases between a few people. Here’s the simple truth, most relationships fail. If they didn’t we’d all be married to our high school sweethearts. In our lives, most of us will be in more failed relationships than successful ones. We can’t run to a book overtime we wake up and realize that we are not compatible with the other person. I’m just asking for a little moderation .
I agree with this article. I do believe women are made to be the ones who need advice, and I believe they do as they voice their concerns a lot more loudly, concisely and regularly but I do think that many men need advice as well, more now than ever as I feel that the modern day man has lost his way in pursuit of things that do not really provide his life with any meaning and value….So relationship advice for men should be there but you also need men to feel that they need it…I personally love to learn about relationships, women and how to become a better man but how many man actively would say and believe that? That’s where I think the problem is with some men.
Thanks for sharing
Aja is so right,
We need to stop relying on the next new book and get to know “your spouse.” People are different but if you follow what is already written in the Word of God, you’ll have all you need to have a successful marriage. Also, most of the time men are the one’s doing most of the counseling when they need to be counselled themselves. Just because you are a preacher doesn’t automatically qualify you to councel married folk. Stay with the Word of God primarily and you will always be safe.
This article reflects what my wife and I talk about all the time and is reinforced through images in books and television….Lets challenge all parties to step up to solidify our relationships and our marriages.
Thank you! I have been in therapy for two years and marriage counseling for one year. I literally am exhausted trying to make things “better” for my husband and kids while he literally has not changed a damn thing about how he prioritizes The relationship and Communicates with me and the kids. I’m fed up with taking on all the responsibility of this joke of a relationship.