by Harriet Hairston
This past Saturday, For Healthy Marriages on Facebook started raining all kinds of simple wisdom for married men. For example, “Men, you do not need to bathe in your cologne…just a dab will do.” This is a basic truth that will definitely draw a wife closer to the cavern in her husband’s neck as opposed to repelling her and making her gasp for air. If physical touch is your love language, gentlemen, it would do you well to heed this sage advice.
The same day I received a message from Jerry Hooks (a friend of mine from high school) regarding my last post about becoming a better spouse. After commending me for making sense (that’s a huge undertaking for a circular thinker like me!), he asked if there was anything more out there for the men. That gave me pause, because I thought the article was pretty universal. Upon taking another look, I did realize that it had more of a feminine undertone (I mean, what do you expect? This estrogen runs DEEP!). I often talk to Mr. Incredible to get his perspective, but even when I write about his viewpoint, it still comes from my feminine brain.
Although there’s nothing at all wrong with the way I think and thus write, it’s important to have the Lamar Tylers, Ayize Ma’ats, Marcus Whytes, Eric Paynes, Mocha Dads, Delano Squires and Janks Mortons out there (just to name a few), providing men with wisdom and guidance about how to be good men, husbands and fathers. After all, we live in a generation now where 70% of black children are born to single parents (by and large, single MOTHERS).
We are in dire need of men’s perspectives! Janks Morton completed an entire documentary on 101 things boys being raised by single mothers should know from men of all walks of life. I’d like to jump on that format and ask the men out there to do the same for husbands who may or may not have seen a healthy example of what a good husband should look like growing up.
To the men out there: brothers, fathers, husbands, uncles, play cousins (LOL), I’d like to engage you in a challenge to help equip other men. Join the husband’s roll call. We would love to have 101 comments from husbands all over the world. Leave a few pieces of advice for other husbands out there. Your advice could cover anything from sensitivity to sex.
And spread the word! Join the “Husband Roll Call” and equip another husband today!
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: “author.” You can purchase her first book, “Who Are You?” simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at [email protected].
Hello Harriet, Your insight once again rises to the surface. This is a wonderful idea. I have been married for 43 years, and suppose that there is some aadvice I could pass along. I will start with this:
1. Make the goal of your relationship to help your wife become all she can be. I am not talking about her dream to be the next Diana Ross while singing in the shower. What I am talking about is that you will recognize what your wife's best qualities are as your marriage endures. You will see the things that give her joy, that make her smile, that give her deep satisfaction.
Perhaps she likes helping senior citizens; or that others listen to her wise advice; or that she is a good organizer; or she is the voice of reason and calm in stormy situations. You may observe that she depends heavily on your wisdom and defers to your opinions because she respects your point of view; maybe she believes that you are the rock in the family; you may see that she trusts you deeply and would be crushed by anything that damages that trust. Maybe she is fulfilled by being Mrs. YOU.
Perhaps she likes to serve — dinner, the homeless, the school board, church, girl scouts, sorority. Help her to be the best servant she can be. Maybe she is an ambitious corporate climber. Don't begrudge her success. She makes big decisions every day (for which she is paid well). Maybe those qualities are a blessing to your family. Make your home her castle and place of renewal for the corporate battles she must fight everyday. That may mean the best thing to do is to become “Mr. Mom.”
The idea is that time will define your relationship in multiple ways. If you are always committed to helping her to become all she can be, the sum of all that is that she will be the best wife you can ever have. And your effort will make you the best husband you can be.
Fathers must provide a safe place for their children to fail. Many times we push our kids so hard that they refuse to try because they are afraid of disappointing us. We must let our kids know that failure is okay as long as they learn from their mistakes and use that experience to improve themselves in the future. We must give our children the encouragement and support they need in order to achieve great things.
1) Arguing gets you nowhere
2) Take long walks to cool off when there's a problem. It's better to be calm and say your points than land a right and be in jail.
3)Make sure you KNOW you're in love. There's no teeter Totter (sp) with God's union.
4) Be a real father to your children. Don't be afraid to discipline you children, even in situations as a stepfather.
5) Faithfulness is something you work on. It's not inherited.
6) Always be honest with your spouse, except when it comes to weight and age. No trips to the DOGhouse for meeeee!!!
7)God is first. If your wife is first, we have an issue.
8) Showing affection in public is OK.
9) Introduce ALL of your female friends to your loving wife. It eliminates problems and eases jealousy. Trust me fellas: My wife KNOWS or HAS HEARD OF ALL my female friends.
10) Finally, Be a man and enjoy manly things, especially when there's time to. After all, 90% of your time is spent being attentive to wife and children.
Thanks for the chance to give some of my wisdom that I've learned…
1.When asked a question, answer it honestly, except the “Do this make me look fat question” Dance around that.
2. Not all battles are meant to be fought. Even when you feel that she's wrong, take time to look at the situation and ask yourself, is it really worth us fighting over? Trust me, I've escaped many a battle.
3. With that being said, stand your ground if you believe strongly in it. Never allow your feelings to be pushed to the side but, do it in a respectful manner. Yelling will get you nowhere.
4. Your wife is your best friend and if she wants to hang out then, either your boys will have to bring their wives/gfs or nothing.
5. For those of you that grew up without a father or saw examples of bad fathers, be the father that you wanted growing up.
6. Love your children, unconditionally. I don't think I have to explain that.
7. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy towards your kids. Let them know you still love them BUT, they will be dealt with when they are wrong and they're not entitled to everything which leads me to….
8. Make them earn what they receive. School is their job and that nothing is wrong with being involved in after school activities. There is nothing to be gained by just sitting around the house/on the corner, doing nothing.
9. Let your wife know you still find her attractive after kids and be that shoulder for her to lean on because, the body takes on a new change. Love her for her.
10. Be an asset around the house. Cook, clean, do laundry so she can come home from work and just put her feet up sometime. For you new dads, that means staying up with the kids late at night while she sleeps.
There are a few things from being a father and a husband that I can tell you about:
(1) Do not be afraid to admit that you made a mistake to your children.
(2) The best way you can teach your children is to show by example. If you are ashamed of doing something in front of your children then you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.
(3) Discipline your children. Do not use your hands for discipline as they are to show affection and love. Use a paddle if you need to for discipline. It works trust me.
(4) Love is a choice and must be eventually be separated from the “In-Love” feelings and experience. I could talk on this one all day but I do not have the time. Both you and your wife should read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman as Harriet had alluded to in her first paragraph.
(5) God comes first before anything, including your wife. Your wife comes after that. Your kids come after your wife. Long after your kids are grown and left the house you wife will be there.
Harriet, I have to agree with Dr. Roger Madison…. your insight once again rises!
Two points I would like to share…..Men behavior with women, one of the biggest complaints I hear from women is that men don't act like gentlemen anymore. They say that we don't open doors for them or offer our seats when they're standing ( wanting nothing in return ). Then men say that they don't do it because women don't respect it and therefore don't deserve it. I say, brothers/ fellas/fathers/dads, just do it; just be a gentleman no matter what. You can't control what other people do, but you can control your behavior. plus, it's the right thing to do. And when you're right, you can not go wrong.
Secondly, Men of Standard being humble doesn't mean you're Weak…Humility means being respectful and courteous towards others. It's not letting people walk all over you. You can display humility in social setting by saying “Please” when asking for something and by saying “Thank you” when it's given to you. These are simple courtesies that go a long way when dealing with people and our family members.
Back in the day late 1950's ,60's men had a swagger about themselves ( I remember when my grandfather talk about how men treated a LADY back in the day)…. I'm all for being secure and knowing who you are….but present-day generation makes such a big deal out of man having SWAGGER! Too much of it starts to turn into conceit, arrogance and vanity – rarely do these qualities inspire admiration from your associates. You don't have to take a backseat and deny your self worth. Being HUMBLE allows you to be aggressive in going after what you want, and lets others have their dignity , too.
Thank you for reading…”its not always easy but we know its necessary”!
I'm honored to be referenced in this post! If anything first and foremost I believe you have to put God first in all your doing. Yes, you are doing things for your wife and kids, but you're doing it as God's servant, not theirs. It's man's responsibility to be the backbone, covering and moral compass for his family (at least it should be his responsibility). I know that there are many men out there who have never accepted this calling, but there are just as many who have and they often times are on collision courses with women who have been hurt and damaged by boys masquerading as men and see and do little to take advantage of what God has put in front of them (the same goes for men, but that's not what we're talking about here).
Love wholeheartedly. Do not put conditions on your love. Don't ration out your love. And definitely do not withhold love. There is probably nothing more painful than a loveless relationship. Understand that although what your wife/fiance/partner might be saying sounds CRAZY, try to see things from her perspective before dismissing her.
Be accountable for your words and actions.
Stay young at heart. It is very easy to get bored. To wonder if you've still got it. To feel under-appreciated at home. It's easy to get sucked into wanting to be wanted by someone other than your spouse. Look for the warning signs at home and fight them before your leave the house.
If you feel in over your head, don't be too much THE MAN, to not seek help. Seeking counsel doesn't mean sitting in a psychiatrist's chair and getting a prescription for pills. It means talking to older successfully married men at your church, your barbershop, maybe even your father, seeking out the counsel of a pastor (as I have) or even wandering unannounced and uninvited into a prayer meeting or bible study and having like minded men there to catch you before or even as you fall down. It's okay to fall down. You just have to stand back up. YOU HAVE TO. Sometimes that might require the assistance of many. Sometimes you have to be man enough to understand you can't do it with your own strength.
Too much to write down in a single post. But this and the previous comments are all great nuggets to stay on course.
Peace.
1) Put God first in your marriage. He must be the foundation.
2) Be slow to speak.
3) Be selfless.
4) Have FUN! Do not forget to drop work and take some time to enjoy each other.
5) Do not forget rule #1.