Also read: #MomOfTheYear – Why I Think She Was Right!
Am I the only person in America who isn’t applauding the Baltimore mom who disciplined her son on national television?
Instead of clapping, I used my hands to wipe away the tears streaming down my face. I cried, because Toya Graham must worry about her son losing his life to gun violence—at the hands of police officers or other young men who look like her beautiful boy in a city plagued with poverty and violence.
I cried, because her son most likely isn’t receiving the high quality education my nephews obtain everyday in a school with highly effective teachers, a library stocked with books fresh off the presses—which they read at advanced levels, and an array of after school programs to keep them off the streets and involved in activities that prepare them for college and the workforce. I cried, because Toya Graham’s son, and thousands of brown boys like him, aren’t getting the opportunities they need to succeed in a world that often sets them up for failure because of the color of their skin or the zip codes in which they reside.
The problem reaches back further than Toya’s arm that slapped her son.
I won’t judge her for doing what she did—a slap to the head is far better than a bullet to the brain. The impact is significant, possibly lifesaving. But I ask the question, what impact is the community, as a whole, making on Toya, a single mother of six children?
I’m sure she is doing everything she can to keep her son on the right track, but sometimes, no mater how much we try to properly parent, our kids veer off the straight and narrow. Our children need to be steered and embraced by a pastor, teacher, social worker, mentor, mother and father—who may not be in the home but is in the lives of his children.
We must prioritize our kids and propel their needs to the forefront of policy discussions. Just last week, a legislator, who heard an African American high school student talk about his single mother working two jobs, turned to me and said, she doesn’t care about her kids. I quickly jumped to her defense and responded, I’m sure she loves her son very much, so much so that she sacrifices her time with him to make enough money to feed and clothe him.
We must work to get people to “get” it.
Get why we must break cycles of poverty. Get why we must push for adequate and fair school funding. Get why we must eliminate racial disparities.
Yes, racism exists, but do we blame another race for the issues we face as Black Americans? I posted my opinion on my Facebook page and an unnamed friend remarked, The responsibility here lies with white society, and the need to acknowledge racial bias and privilege and then dismantle racism.
Although I agree with the person’s points about innocent people getting killed by officers over the years, I can’t wait for someone else to solve a problem that could result in the loss of my nephews’ lives.
I can’t tell them it’s OK to throw rocks, disrespect authority figures or commit crimes that increase their risk of being victims of police brutality. I can’t debate whether or not people should peacefully protest or destructively riot. I can’t judge a mom who did her best to save her son’s life and knocked some sense into him.
And as my friend Crystal prolifically responded in that Facebook thread, I can’t think my parenting style is better than someone else’s (We don’t have to agree with the methods of how someone raises their kids. Just because we don’t agree does not mean we’re right. We don’t know the circumstances a parent has to go through to maintain their household…I’d rather the church look down on Sister Graham’s cussing and slapping then look down on her son’s casket any day.)
So what can I do? I can be a voice. I can advocate for our smallest citizens—our children, children who are too young to vote yet impacted by the actions or inactions of government. I can speak up.
Speak up like Cindy Mendoza, who runs a local parenting group, Pittsburgh Brown Mamas. She assists young mothers with developing personal templates for effective parenting within a socially supportive environment.
Speak up like Robert Saunders, who founded a nonprofit aimed at eliminating the “school-to-prison pipeline,” a disturbing trend where students are funneled out of public schools and into criminal justice systems. Through his program From Street Corners to Wall Street, he’s teaching young people to become investment bankers not drug dealers.
Speak up like Jason Rivers, who lost his brother to gun violence and works to prevent this from happening to others. He manages the We Promise program, which empowers African-American young men to take ownership of their future and obtain The Pittsburgh Promise scholarship—a scholarship that only 139 of the 583 Black male graduates in 2013 qualified for.
So how will you speak up for all the lives we’ve lost?
All the injustices being committed? Will you applaud the Baltimore mom who according to my friend Crystal negates stereotypes and proves that Black folks do care about their kids and will snatch them up in an instant? Will you cry? Will you pray? Or will you do something to spark change? Speak up for all the young black boys whose lives matter more than society will ever know. Come together as a community and make our collective voices heard.
BMWK family let us know your thoughts in the comment section. Do you agree or disagree? Also be sure to check out the contrasting view on this situation here.
Janeane Davis says
I think this mother’s behavior was wrong for many reasons. The first thing that came to mind when I saw her was that she was committing an assault against her son in full view of witnesses and cameras. My background as a defense attorney saw many pitfalls and potential problems. I am a wife of 25 years and the mother of four children including a 12 year old son, so I undestand the perils and difficulties that accompany motherhood and raising a black boy in America to become a man. Secondly, I cannot endorse a mother treating her child in a way that would cause another person who did the same actions to face criminal charges.
Anonymous says
One reason you may not understand is that your kids never have to see life as hers do. She is trying to raise her children as a single mom without a lawyer salary am sure. No comparison.
Anonymous says
Yes, 2 different worlds.
Jean says
My sons today are thanking me for doing just what that lady did in public! The law was on her side at that time, any other time police may have come and put the handcuffs on her, but instead they were probably a thanking her! I think a parent has to be caution in disciplining their child or children in public and when we do discipline them it should always be in love and not hate! I think she did the right thing at the right time, more parents should have been grabbing their kids too! The law would of looked the other way!
Anonymous says
So true come on I agree full 100%
Renee says
As a high school teacher who deals with challenging teenagers, a mother of this calibre would certainly ensure that we would no longer have need for a dean of students. Further more, her actions could possibly cause someone such as yourself, who is a defense attorney, to consider another branch of law – perhaps corporate law with its white collar crime.
Anonymous says
As a lawyer can u use ur power or authority to implement laws on on child rearing for coloured folks with less opportunities to help them forge ahead and live as comfortable as you are .NOOO the struggle goes on between mother and child if dad is there same thing no difference the struggle continues .these people are just out right WICKED AND EVIL .
anon says
” in full view of witnesses and camera” … waiting for someone to sue her !
Anonymous says
Ssimple as an attorney i think you are looking for publocity attention but yo each there own when you put yourself in here roll then come back and talk …. she is not high profiled like you as you claimed but suck it up she was not looking for attention she probably was already imagining her son dead and her maternal “protect mr child from all” kicked in. That is why the country is all messed up go defend the police then and ensure your family remains safe while those like us will what we think we need to to remain alive….. have a good day
Mary Ann Parrish says
Toya Graham was not slapping her kid’s head out of anger; she did it out of fear. She is doing the best she can. As a single mother raising a son, I understand her plight. I was much more fortunate. I had an education and a good-paying job, but I still worked two jobs to make sure my children did not have to participate in free-lunch programs–something, while good intentions may be apparent, only mark our children as badly as these outrageous names that they cannot even spell. But I digress….I lived in suburban Philadelphia, my two children went to one of the top high schools in the country, and both graduated from college, and I still worry about my son everyday–and he is now 40. So no matter what her status is, Toya Graham showed us what it took for her to knock some sense into her son. She has had to be both mother and father to all of her children; that, in itself, is not only not fair–it is very difficult, and I feel her pain. I appreciate your article because it showed a different view, and I would like to think we Black mothers fear everyday for our sons–no matter what our status.
Jessica says
The title of the article does not seem to match the content but the article was awesome.
Anonymous says
I agree Jessicsa
Amotherofsons says
True
Michelle says
Now, while I agree that at some point she went too far, I believe that she was one of the few people who came and took responsibility for her child. Look at the outcome. Yes she could learn better communication skills but I think some critics are being too hard on her.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/29/toya-graham-son-michael-interview_n_7176400.html?ir=Black+Voices&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000047
Amotherofsons says
If you’re not living in her conditions or dealing with what she’s dealing with you cant understand. So many are saying that don’t condone her actions and that’s fine, but this will prevent her from burying her child or being on a talk show titled “Troubled, Out of Control Teens”. There was nothing wrong with her communication skills. I bet the mains against have far worse problems than she does.
amie kamara says
Thank you. My point exactly. People are so quick to label a woman’s marital status when a child is involved. Seriously? Leave her alone. She is doing the best she can.
Jean says
This kid was dressed down to the tee with a head mask, gloves in all black. He probably would have been the first person the police grabbed for inciting a riot or any other criminal activities. He looked very suspicion and I believe he didn’t realize how he was inviting trouble his way, just by dressing and looking the way he did! I say the mother saved his life and cause him to think about what he is doing!
Anonymous says
I truly believe as a black mother of a young 17 year old she was saving her son’s life. I am a single and i have been blessed thus far,i pray hard and educate my child you have a voice but it’s not heard throwing rocks live to maks a difference not become a number. Parenring is hard we do what we feel is right. Dont hate educate
dorry says
Sometimes we react without thinking out of fear, like when ur kid run out in the street. How can we judge this woman who was afraid of losing her only son to violence. Sometimes our eyes are opened out of fear and love. ENOUGH SAID LEAVE IT ALONE!
Anonymous says
We need more mothers like her
amie kamara says
It’s so sad and sickening to see how some would even judge this lady for being a single mother. Really? Yes you are an attorney, married with children living your American dream, but your stories are different. Even children in two parents housbehold can be difficult.
amie kamara says
please understand that being a single mother is not a curse. There plenty of great men and women in higher positions that were raised by great women. I applaud that lady for what she did. Any mother with good sense would have done the same.