About a decade ago my brother moved in with his fiance. It was largely an attempt to save money before the wedding, but the idea of two Christians living together without first tying the knot raised some eyebrows.
Fast forward to 2012 and the practice of cohabitation before saying “I do” has become commonplace, even among the religious set. In fact, experts estimate that between 50% to 60% of couples live together before walking down the aisle.
And it’s difficult to blame them. In the middle of a severe recession, why pay for two households when you only have to pay for one? With the average rent for a decent one bedroom apartment in many cities surpassing the $1,000 mark, it makes sense to save a huge chunk of change by splitting the rent, not to mention the automatic 50% discount on heating, lighting, and cable bills. And the savings can be used to pay down credit card debt, save for the wedding, or build a down payment for a home.
Not only does living together before the wedding seem downright smart, many argue it’s the best way to decide if two people are truly compatible enough for marriage. “You’d test drive a car wouldn’t you, why not a marriage?” they argue. It can be a time to work out the quirks before the commitment is set in stone. Better to realize you can’t live together before the wedding than after, some assert.
But with all that said, is living together before the wedding bells ring all that it’s cracked up to be?
Is there really such a thing as a test drive for a marriage as some suggest? The simple fact that you can walk away instead of working out problems in effect makes cohabitation fundamentally different than marriage.
And what at first seems like a financially savvy move, can become financially perilous if the relationship ends. Unlike marriage, there are few legal protections that prevent one party from taking advantage of another after splitsville. Are you likely to get stiffed if a partner bails and you have the rent, utilities or cable in your name?
BMWK, What’s your opinion? Did you and your spouse live together before walking down the aisle? Is living together before the wedding a financially savvy move or recipe for disaster?
Nice article
I think it depends on the people in the relationship if the relationship is rocky or your arguing more than usual, then don’t move in together, even if the relationship is on the good end before moving in with your significant other way the options, are we on track for marriage? is he/she good with money? That is so vital before moving together waying the options, but as for me I would wait at least a month before my wedding before moving in with my fiancee, because by then stuff should have been paid for and paid off by then only thing should be remaining is the videographer/photographer and DJ.
We did not live together before we got married. Other than saving money, I don’t think it would have been good for us either. We are Christian, and that kind of temptation would not be easy to avoid. Some things are more important than money.
We didn’t live together before we got married- for reasons mentioned by Cheryl above. We both work with youth in ministry and it wasn’t even a consideration as we know what kind of assumptions they’d have about how relationships have to work. If sexual purity isn’t a driving factor to delay co-habitation, then love for your relationship should. Our country has STAGGERING divorce rates, and those percentages drastically increase for couples who live together before marriage. I know that there are many healthy/happy marriages where the couple started living together while dating, but there are many character traits that can be strengthened by delaying that part of a committed relationship until the commitment of marriage.
I don’t know if that’s an indictment against sex before marriage (which is usually assumed among the great majority of cohabitators) or whether it’s against living together across the board. If you want to appeal to those statistics, you have to separate those two key points. I’m not sold.
Cohabitation is not a test drive for marriage. The only way you’ll know what it’s like to be married to someone is when you are married.
AMEN!
Regardless of what may be the norm or socially acceptable should be the least important part of making a decision for a Christian. Your will Father, not mine. We all should be striving to live as God intended and we should be willing and happy to follow His guidance. Now that being said, I am only a frail human being and I do the sins I don’t want to and I don’t do the good that I do want, all the time and I do co-habituate with my fiance, and not only for financial reasons. However, I recognize that Father established the Holy Sacrament of Marriage for a purpose and that purpose is Love for us and our best chances at happiness. Test driving a marriage is not good for me simply because I think it too easily puts me in the mindset of if I don’t like it, I don’t have to buy it and then oops she’s pregnant now I have the option of leaving my kids for her to raise alone or with some other man who is not going to love my seed the way I would or staying in a loveless relationship for the kids sake (which is the worst thing anyone can do, children need early positive examples of a loving relationship not a loveless fake one. It is the breakdown of the family that is the cause and mirror of the breakdown in larger society. If we followed His guidance and treated marriage as the Holy Sacrament it is, life would not be so upside down, because these are indeed difficult times to deal with.
I lived with my fiance last year and it didn’t work out. As a christian woman I don’t think it’s wise to live together before marriage and I learned the hard way. Although I withheld sex from him…I do believe living with him tainted our bonding together. But many Christians will have sex before marriage and live together before marriage, because I talked with some who did, it is popular to live together first and at first I didn’t think it was big deal. But this life lesson…I will pass on to the younger generations. Even if God is bringing two people together…we can’t get together in our own way. And we can’t look like the world! Period! There is a way that seems right unto man, but the ways there in is death. Even if things worked out and God was gracious…and we did get married. I would still take this stance. It’s just not wise at all. If anyone who reads this is contemplating on moving in with their boyfriend/girlfriend, man/woman, fiance/fiancee….wait for God’s timing…..wait…wait…wait.
Interesting topic for discussion. I remember an article in the September 2011 edition of Christianity Today on this subject https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2011/september/science-of-cohabitating.html Titled the Science of Shacking Up. In it the writer touched on the data about cohabitating before marriage and the end results. I personally believe that if two Christians plan on marrying each other they should marry each other. After all we are told, “Abstain from all appearance of evil 1 Thessalonians 5:22.
We did live together for a little while after we got engaged and before we got married. The decision was 100% financial. His roommate had to move out, he couldn’t afford the rent alone and it would have been a really bad decision for him to break a lease or get a new roommate so close to our wedding. I would never advocate it as a test drive– we already knew we were headed down the aisle, its just what made sense for us at the time, and fortunately it worked well for us.
I say yes!!! Certain things you don’t just don’t learn about a person if you’re not living with them. ‘Spending the night”, or just visting on the weekend just isn’t good enought. The best way to truely get to know someone is to live with them. I’m not saying just because you live together before marriage you’ll be married forever, but at least you’ll know whether or not you’re compatible to live under the same roof 24/7
We lived together 3 years before we got married. We were intimate before we were married during this time. Was it worth it? No!!!. We had to breakthrough all the spiritual trash we accumulated in those 3 years. We had a lot of troubles in the beginning due to all the sins we committed before entering marriage.
God’s plan for marriage is a Oneness marriage, which include a spiritual, a emotional and a physical oneness. Marriage is like a three way cord, this is husband, wife and God.
While we were cohabiting there was only two persons having sex, without any though for what God’s intention was for us as a married couple. Learning the hard way how to be in a holy matrimony with the temptations and struggles we had, its by God’s grace that we are still married today. So if I could choose, I would choose to wait till married to move in together, because OUR FATHER knows everything and knows better than we think we can.
studies show that cohabitation will lead to divorce actually. so it doesn’t seem like the ‘smart’ thing to do after all.
I tried it and in the end it didn’t work out for me, he ended up kicking me out and bringing in a new gf hmph all I got was bills once it was all said and done (thanks to him not paying them). I think its best to wait I learned the hard way.
My hubby & I did live together before marriage. And let me tell ya – on the other side of shacking up is some hard reality. I call it the marriage effect. It’s a wake up call to who you are as a person. Shacking up & marriage have some common traits – like, you wake up to the same person as the night before BUT the expectations are different as husband and wife. For those considering shacking before marriage, I’d say, “Truly know who YOU are as a person.” You can get lost in life as Mrs – even if you hadn’t said “I do” yet.
I always think why buy the cow if the milk is free?
Okay my fiance and I got engaged on New Years. He wants me to move in before we get married. I say let’s move in after we get married. I said no,so I won’t hear the last of this subject. I feel,if you’re already getting the milk before the wedding,let me enjoy my singlehood before marriage.
If cohabitation was such a .great idea, then why are so many marriages still ending in divorce? It may seem financially advantageous now but as others have noted, if you decide that a relationship won’t work its more difficult to end it without some financial repercussions. I am living with my fiance now and instead of calming my spirit about getting married, it has caused more tension. Not only do I have the spiritual conviction of living in sin, I feel hesitant to end the relationship and ask him to move out ( he moved into my place) because of the difficulty it would cause him; where is he to go? We share expenses. There is also the issue that has been overlooked that many marriage ministries note that you have to whole before you two can become one. If your partner is not taking care of themselves, i.e., have their own place, own car, stable job, then how can they care for another? In my case we both have children, I have taken care of my child on my own, lived on my own, without support of the other parent but he is not currently able to do that. He was living with family and just found another job and his children are living with their others parents. The man is the head of the household just as Jesus Christ is the Head of the church. God sustains, protects, provides, is our source, provider, protector. If the man is not able to do this for himself then he is not ready for marriage. A woman has to be strong and whole with God and herself before she can truly submit to a man. Her ability to nurture, encourage and support her husband can only come from her being whole and knowing herself and God’s place for her and in her submission know that He loves her and will provide and protect her. Cohabitation will not gain you that assurance.
There is a thought process that says its ok to cohabitate because of the financial and so called “perceived benefits” that will come from doing so. But what is actually happening is not the gain of benefits but the downfall of sin. You can not justify sin because apartment rates are high or you want to test drive the person you want to marry. That is not biblical. God never requires us to sin inorder to receive his blessings. The blessing of marriage is sacred and holy and when God brings together two people that He has ordained to be husband and wife he will not require you to sin inorder to receive the blessing of marriage. Cohabitation is a worldly view and is not from God. We can not lower Gods standards of holiness for the sake of what is “popular and acceptable†in the world today. Proverbs 14:12 says “There is a way that seems right to man but its end is the way of deathâ€. This death is referring to a spiritual death in which sin separates us from God. If you are cohabitating then that is a sin and it is not pleasing in the eyes of God. Flee from unrighteousness and get out of that situation. Repent for your sins and turn away from ungodliness. Ask the Lord for forgiveness and He will forgive you and have mercy on you and will restore you back to holiness that he desires for His children.
Although I know I cannot speak for what will work or won’t work for other people, I live with my boyfriend now and I would not recommend it. We love each other and truly do want to be together, but it is very difficult to live in cloudy roles. Its is very hard for me to distinguish between what is ok because we live together and what is not quite ok yet because I am not his wife. Sometimes I question what is my responsibility because I am responsible for taking care of my household or what is not my responsibility because I’m not a wife. There is a lot of preparation that should be done before moving in together and if you’re going to spend that much energy you might as well be preparing for marriage and do it all the right way. I have been married before and that marriage fell apart a few months after we moved in together so I think this time I felt that maybe it would be a good idea to know what living together is like before we walked down the aisle to avoid ending up in divorce court again. Apparently I should have opted for door number 3. I am still not sure what the right answer is for me but this was not it in the timing we chose. Maybe it would have been different a year from now or even 6 months but at this time we have created set backs in our relationship that we did not have to encounter and that makes me sad and makes things harder for us now. Not impossible, but harder.
To me, moving in is little to do with money. And for those who say separate places helps “avoid temptation,” if you have self control, you have self control, period. You can control if cohabitation makes your self control wane or stay strong. It’s all a matter of trusting yourself to know that you don’t want to go there until you walk down that aisle.
And let me say that cohabitation is NOT a test drive for marriage. But it is a lot better to know about those little idiosyncrasies your loved one might have that you may or may not like, or may just want to be aware of. They always say you don’t truly know someone until you live with them.
Forget the test drive metaphor; would you marry someone without knowing their credit score? Or their sexual history? These things are important and like it or not, it tells you something (big or small) about who a person is and what made them who they are or brought them to their current spot in life.
Nothing can prepare you for being married like marriage, but hey, wouldn’t you take all the heads ups and help you can get?
but you dont need to cohabitate to know credit score, sexual history or any of the important history…you simply have to to ask. enough people who have gone through it vouch for it not being the best idea, yet we persist – i’m not sure why.
I cohabited with my husband for 2 years before we got married, that was 4 years ago. I agree that if self-control is your goal with regards to sex, then with the right partner you can both still work to achieve this goal. Like I mentioned we lived together and still practiced abstinence. Yes, it was challenging at times and there were temptations but we were both committed to self-control which made the difference. If you or your partner are not that committed, and abstinence is important to you, then by all means don’t cohabit.
In my experience though, cohabitation was beneficial for my husband and I. We never ever thought of it as a test-drive. It was not planned however I unexpectedly lost my home and rather than see me destitute, he offered his place. The goal was never to stay there and I was apartment hunting for a good portion of the time we cohabited, however when it came to move out, my husband decided he never wanted me to leave and proposed! By that time we both had already started talking about being married to each other.
A good point is not knowing where your responsiblities begin and end as a cohabiting girlfriend, NOT wife. I totally understand this. What I did was be completely honest with my boyfriend (now husband) about my thoughts, anxieties, and reservations. We talked about it and both understood that i was NOT his wife, therefore there were limits to my responsibilities within the home. I held myself back from behaving like a wife as I wanted there to be a clear delineation in both our minds.
Goodluck to everyone!
This is what I always say: If I had lived with my wife before we got married, I never would have married her. I know that sounds messed up but its the truth, and she feels the same. There are many things about her habits and about mine that neither one of us would have dealt with if we knew about it before we got married. Once we were married however we are forced to adapt and compromise on things that may have prevented us from getting married in the first place had we lived together early. I know plenty of couples that have been dating for a long time and living together who say “Its just like we’re married”….. No its not, and it may be one of the reasons your not married…well that and the fact that he wont put a ring on it if he already has his cake and can eat it too… but that’s a whole other topic,
No. Because shacking up is not God’s way. God said get married first then live together. See when people live together before they are married those people are telling God “I’m not scared of you” with your actions.
We got engaged set a date and moved in. 16 months later were were man and wife, 11 years later we’re happily married with children:)
It was, hands down, one of the top five best decisions I’ve ever made in my life.
As I walked down that aisle I knew, what I knew and was absolutely sure about wanting to be his wife. We had no secrets, it was all out there , his mess and mine. We vowed to help make each other better knowing what crap we needed to work on.
Life brings challenges that traumatizes the marriage weather you live together before or not. You and your spouse decide the destiny of your marriage, not circumstances surrounding it.
Love , Jesus a family psychologist = an awesome marriage!
It is my belief that living together before marriage is wrong. I believe a couple should marry before living together. Maybe I am #oldfashion or #conservative but that is my personal opinion.
In many cases, I think the “saving money” explanation is a cop out.
I say this because I’ve met so many couples who say they’re moving in to save money (for a wedding, to buy a home when married, etc.), but a few YEARS later, they’re no closer to that wedding, to that house or to moving anywhere close to a marriage. Sometimes, they might have even had a kid or two in that time that they’re “saving money” but their overall financial state is no better than when they were living separately and they’re still not married.
Other times, I’ll meet women who want to leave their partners, but don’t have money to move out and get their own place. Which makes me wonder… where are all the “savings” they supposedly gained by moving in with him?
Whatever savings a couple gets by moving in together often doesn’t result in a net gain for the couple, as they often use this freed up money to spend in other ways.
My point is, if people want to live together, I’d prefer they not make excuses about why they’re doing so (especially if they’re Christian because those excuses don’t fly with God). I never did it before I married, but if I had chosen to, it would have been after an engagement and within just a few months of an already planned wedding (like if a lease expired). Otherwise, I just see it as unnecessary prolonging (or even derailing) a natural process of moving from girlfriend/boyfriend to wife/husband.
The statistics have shown, over and over, that the odds of divorce go up when a couple live’s together before they marry. In my mind this trumps any other considerations .
My husband and I lived together for over a decade before we got married. We were both in or twenties and I will say it was difficult. Even with the difficulties and maybe some undue stressors, I don’t think I would do it any differently. We seemed to grow and mature together. It is very important however, to know who you are as a person, an individual, before making such a commitment. Us living together first was probably more difficult for my family than it was for me. I heard all of the concerns about christianity and buying the cow if the milk is free but I felt then and still feel now, that my relationship with God and my salvation is personal and my own so I made my choices with that in mind and heart. I do think that Gods divine plan was for me to meet and marry my husband. The “how and when” He left to us with his word as guidance. Financially, living together benefited both of us, but over all, I think we both taught the other how to share, respect, honor and trust another person by “choice” versus by “obligation”.