Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I had an affair with a close friend a couple of years back, but told my boyfriend that we were just friends with no strings attached. After he continued to question me about my relationship with my friend, I opened up and told him about the affair with my friend. I did not go into detail. He was angry, but kept his cool. Two weeks ago, my boyfriend ran into a guy who saw me hanging out with my friend and told him some untrue things about me.

My boyfriend called me over to his place and told me what the guy said. I was shocked and could not believe what was said. I tried to tell my boyfriend that the stories were not true, but he would not listen. He told me that he could not believe me because I lied about my relationship with my friend. He has always encouraged good communication between us, but I am not good at talking with him. I prefer to keep things to myself. He acted cool about the whole thing and said it did not change anything between us. However, I can read that he is unhappy with me. My relationship is falling apart. What Can I Do To Save My Relationship?

In Need of Help

Dear In Need of Help,

Relationships flourish when each individual govern him or herself in accordance with The Three Relationship Commandments. Unfortunately, your relationship is in trouble because you violated the relationship commandments.

Here are the three relationship commandments:

1. Thou Shall Not Break My Trust. Trust is an essential part of having a healthy relationship because it sets the stage for love to prosper. Believing in and honoring your partner is the greatest gift that you can give in a relationship. Trust allows love to flourish in a relationship because it gives us a feeling of security and confidence. In all my years of doing therapy, I have never seen a healthy relationship work or last without trust.If you have a problem with trusting yourself and/or your significant other, please meditate on the following scriptures: Proverbs 3:5 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding; Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope; and Psalm 56:3-4 – When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Understand that trust must be present and mutually expressed in order to have a healthy relationship. Without trust, respect is impossible.