A group of fellas and I went out to lunch one Saturday afternoon. I was the only married guy there. As per custom, the conversation shifted to relationships and what guys are looking for in a woman. Ya know, standard guy conversation.

Then, they veered off into a lane I didn’t feel comfortable discussing—because it reminded me of the Facebook movie when Mark Zuckerberg, motivated by vengeance, created a website to rate women’s attractiveness. They started going through people they knew, determining if they were wifey material or not.

Wifey Material

As a relationship coach for 16 years, what I found interesting about their logic was that: before they would even consider a relationship with a woman, they had to already believe she was wifey material.

So I asked the question, “How would you know if she’s truly wifey material unless you get to know her first.”

They responded, “She has to show me.”

I tried to enlighten their logic about the responsibility men have to pursue relationships, but quickly realized their positions were entrenched in a belief much deeper than I could address over lunch.

And herein lies the quandary of many women, like my friend Patrice, who’s in her late 40s, single, no kids and never married. At this stage in her life, she’s tired of the riffraff who just wants sex with no relationship in mind. Now, she’s fallen back from the dating scene in hopes to organically develop a friendship (first) that leads to a relationship. But because of the riffraff, she’s not displaying her wifey qualities to a man unless he first shows that he’s interested in a friendship that leads to a relationship.

The Chicken-or-the-Egg Dichotomy

So you have this chicken-or-the-egg dichotomy: She’s waiting for him to lead; and thus is not going to put herself out there and display her wifey material-ness unless he shows he’s interested in more than just sex.

But he’s not going to lead unless he first sees her wifey material-ness and feels she’s worth the pursuit.

Which begs the question, which one comes first?

To all the Patrices who have experienced this dichotomy, here’s how you can switch your game up and show off your wifey material-ness, even if you have a guttural gag-reflex at the thought of looking desperate for a man.

Hyper-expose Your Best Wifey Character-ness

Take your best character strength. For Patrice, it is her friendliness. I’ll use that as an example. Take your friendliness, isolate and highlight their attention on it, like a neon sign. Be intentional about demonstrating your friendliness to all men—not just men you’re attracted to.

Why all men? Because, you avoid the appearance of looking like you’re desperately targeting one man. But in fact, you are just being your natural authentic friendly self to all men.

And when the right man, who is attracted to that specific wifey material-ness, sees the intensity in which that characteristic is displayed, he will deem you as approachable and desirable to get to know better. And that’s the beginning of the kind of friendship you’ve been looking for.

This will take some practice. So try hyper-exposing it to just your male friends first. It’s okay to use them as guinea pigs. Then expand it to men you’re not really close to. Then to men you don’t know that well.

Now, I already hear some of you saying, “But I already do this. I already show people my authentic self.” True…But you probably haven’t hyper-exposed your best wifey material-ness. You’ve only given them a peek at multiple characteristics…not your best one. Thus, guys who you think should have already seen your wifey potential,  probably aren’t seeing it. Or aren’t seeing enough of the one they’re looking for to see your true wifey value.

Through hyper-exposure of your best quality, they will definitely see your true wifey potential. And the right men, not the riffraff, will be attracted to you.

Now, what about the men’s responsibly to lead in pursuing relationships with a wifey? That will have to be addressed in another article.

BMWK: How do you think women, like Patrice, should hyper-expose their best wifey material-ness to all men?