The most valuable lessons seem to be the ones that cost the most to learn. Pain is nonrefundable.

There are few lessons that can compare to those gained through heartbreak. Losing a woman is at the top of that list, especially when a man loses her before he actually had her.

To lose the opportunity not because he’s a liar, cheater, abuser or any other heinous act is even worse. To lose her because he appeared weak by showing blatant signs of insecurity is one of the most painful losses. However, in hindsight, the benefits can outweigh the cost or at least defray some when we learn from those hard lessons contained in the experiences life provides for us.

Doomed from the start

Just the other day, I was on the phone chatting with one of my best friends, Diana. In the span of maybe 10 minutes, she received a barrage of telephone calls and texts from a man she had only recently met. That alone can be a turn-off.

They were planning a date to the movies, which she was looking forward to, that is, until he asked one fatal question.

No, it wasn’t sex-related. He didn’t ask how much money she earned. He didn’t inquire about her political ideology. What was his question? He asked why she was interested in going out with him.

Why was this question a problem? Let me take you back to a hit romantic comedy that gave a perfect portrayal of how this man appeared to Diana in that moment….pitiful.

He was being pitiful. It was painfully clear that he lacked self-worth. That’s a huge turn-off to a woman. It’s the antithesis of confidence. Arrogance would be a more desirable trait. Even though an arrogant man has confidence stock-piled like a hoarder, it’s more attractive than a man who has none.

In Diana’s case, what was so terribly wrong with her feeble suitor asking why she was interested in going out with him? What Diana heard was weakness.

She heard a man appealing to her for his validation. He wanted her to offer him a higher appraisal of his worth than his own estimation. This is not the initial impression a man wants to give a woman whose interest he’s trying to gain.

Any good woman has no problem giving her love and support to a good man. A good woman’s response to a good man who comes correctly is as natural as the morning dew falling off a blade of grass to water the soil beneath it.

But there’s a huge difference between her support and having to prop up a man like a wooden post props up a scarecrow. The scarecrow only gives an image of a man that is nothing more than an illusion to birds that don’t recognize the difference between a real man and a mere image of a man. Women, unlike birds, recognize the difference between a man that’s capable of standing on his own and one that needs to be propped up by her. If she’s wise, she will reject the latter.

Lesson

No decent woman expects her man to be Iron Man, Super Man or any other fictional super hero character. She will accept a “non-super” hero. A plain hero will do. That doesn’t require him to leap tall buildings in a single bound, soar through the air, spin a web, kill a dragon or defeat the evil prince. It requires him to be faithful, honest, responsible and, above all, have courage.

Courage requires self-confidence without the need for her endorsement to make him feel secure. That’s not too much to ask for. A good woman is looking for a man to build with and not one to build up.

BMWK ladies, is lack of confidence unappealing to you?