by Harriet Hairston
OK, somebody call a doctor, QUICK! I have a problem that must be addressed. In five years, it has progressively gotten worse and worse, and I fear that it won’t be long before my brain totally succumbs to its vicious attack. I think I have SSA…Single State Amnesia!
Case in point: I read an article about how gonorrhea may become incurable because most strains being treated now are resistant to even the strongest antibiotic assigned to treat them! So I decided to “equip” my single friends by sharing the article on Facebook. Here is what the status said: “For my single brothers and sisters, all the more reason to *clank, clank* on the sexual activity. Wow!”
Umm…yeah. So my single friends QUICKLY put me in my place! They were telling me the same thing takes place even more despicably in marriages all over the nation and world, and how DARE I single out single people when discussing STDs, and you can guess what else showed up there. I guess they told me, right? I had to check myself and put out an apology! I mean, sure…I could have easily deleted the status, but that’s exactly what someone with SSA would do. The disorder tends to make a person thing they know it all!
Anyway, it was this exchange that let me know that I suffered from the onset of SSA!
Here are its symptoms:
- After getting married, a loss of short term memory (for some it is gradual, for others, the onset is quick and final) of the struggles they encountered while single.
- Anal leakage through the mouth, with statements like, “I’m so glad I’m married so I don’t have to deal with this kind of drama,” or “Girl, get you a husband, and you won’t have to worry about that!”
- Chronic giving of unsolicited advice to single friends, thus living vicariously through them.
- Assumption that things that take place in the single community are things that don’t take place in the married community (i.e. cheating, bad decisions, financial struggle, etc.).
- Acute know-it-all-ism.
Symptoms tend to show up sporadically, but eventually, if not checked and medicated with humility and a dose of “Act Right,” it can become full fledged and uncontrollable! For example, married people don’t have the market cornered on wisdom, perspective, love and parenthood! There are plenty of single folks that are wise, respectable, stately, talented…shucks…I used to be one of them!
I believe all married folks could use a self-check and remember what it was like to be single. If you cannot remember, just use some common sense and treat your single counterparts with the respect they deserve!Although not life threatening, SSA can turn an otherwise reasonable person into something totally unattractive and terrible. SSA gone unchecked can turn a person into its acronym…spelled backwards.
BMWK, whether you’re single or married, what ways can you continue to check yourself and remember what it’s like to be single? For the married folks, what kinds of faux pas have you made that are evident of the onset of SSA? For the single folks, what other nerve-wrecking things have your married counterparts said or done that made you just shake your head?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: “author.” You can purchase her first book, “Who Are You?” simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at [email protected].
omg lol lmbo, very good blog!!! i was single for so long i dont think i can ever forget what it was like!!! as a matter of fact in the beggining of my marriage my husband and family would have to remind me that i was married and to check with my hubby about big decisions that affected not just my life but his and OUR kids.
After being married for several years, it’s hard to remember what it’s like to be single. I’ve found myself saying how I glad I was not to be single anymore and giving my single friends and relatives much unsolicited advice.
.-= Mocha Dad´s last blog ..Baseball Has Been Very, Very Good to Me =-.
I try not to give single (or young) folks a hard time…even when they do some retahded stuff. Why? Because I was single (and young) and I did some retahded stuff, so who am I to judge?
I just try to be an example of what married life can be like, and hope somebody watching me takes note.
.-= Brotha Tech´s last blog ..Why Ill wait to jump on the 3D TV bandwagon =-.
Good article. Not trying to be contrary, but what exactly is supposed to be the advice to married people about STDs? I know we can continue to get tested for diseases and of course we shouldn’t sleep around, but much of the conversation about STDs revolves around safe/protected sex. That conversation isn’t the same in those two demographics.
Like I said, I’m not trying to be contrary. I’m truly wondering if I’m not educated on the issue.
@ Fran,
I hope you never forget and have SSA nipping at your heels! LOL…but sis…you’ve gotta remember that you ARE married now! If you have to run around town like Shug on the Color Purple and wave your ring around talkin’ bout “I’se MARRIED now!” you DO it! ROFL…just kidding! Thanks for the perspective!
@ Mocha Dad,
I hear admission is the first step towards complete healing, brother. LOL I’m with you!
@ Brotha Tech,
May we all take note of your gracious (and HUMBLE) characteristics!
@ Christina,
Girl, your thought process was mine. My husband is trustworthy, and I’m only hot in the pants for him, so it just didn’t cross my mind! But seriously, how many instances of the husband and/or wife stepping out on their spouse have YOU encountered observing other couples? It’s a very real discussion that men and women must have if they’re going to do dirt like that. LOL
I’ve been married for almost 5 years now and I fight SSA. I remember the annoying things not just married women, but older women would say to me before I was married. I have however found myself on some type of crusade for single black women. I feel that of all the single populations of women, black women get the short end of the stick and that SUCKS!!! Enjoy single life and enjoy married life. The bottom line is just enjoy LIFE…PERIOD!!!!
🙂 FINALLY somebody reminded them… that unsolicited advice thing.. is REAL. LOL.
I think married folks assume that we’re single BECAUSE we’re doing something WRONG.. or NOT DOING something else… While it is TRUE that many people who are single, want to be married; Can most married people honestly say that “I did follow the formula 1,2,3… and that’s why I am married today”???
The truth is you can’t take credit for your being married- you truly can’t unless you’re blind and full of yourself (that kind of pride is obviously the first step towards a failed marriage). It always takes 2. Always.
Additionally, single people NEED to chill with the anticipation of marriage and ENJOY being single more.. 🙂 (I can def preach on this). Last month, my parents wrote me a letter complaining that I dismiss all counsel about marriage as if it wasn’t important for me to be married (PS. I am 28). I replied that wouldn’t they rather I be single than married to the wrong person? Wouldn’t they rather I be single than be going through my second divorce? You bet that kept their mouths shut for a while.
The truth is that we’re not single because we don’t see/know the value of marriage. We’re single because we KNOW the value of marriage and know better than to RUSH into it.
As for STDs! Let the truth be told- there’s enough unfaithful men and women out there to make a valid case for it being a real discussion for EVERYONE- married or single. Consider the stats:
– If roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce, then there’s a good chance that the single people you’re talking about are divorced people (do u really wanna lecture divorcees about sex?).
– What percentage of married people admit to cheating at least once during the course of their marriage?
Interestingly enough, some married people cheat MORE OFTEN than some single people “get laid”. Intelligent single people know that they’re supposed to abstain from sex and for those who TRY… they fail less often than most married people fail in their marriage vows. (Get it now?)- Hence give the married folks the STDs dialog too.
Simple example and study case… don’t you think it’s possible that since he got married, Tiger Woods has cheated on his wife MORE TIMES within the course of ONE year, than he ever had sex within any one year while he was single??
Think on these things… for single people (or even married people) who want to have a one-night stand- sex with no strings attached.. or sex just for a thrill- you already know that they find a married person more attractive at that instant than a single person (I think I am taking this too far and losing some of y’all).
Shifting gears… It’s also whispered that the majority of men/clients in strip clubs are married men- Don’t expect ME to go execute that survey. If presence as a strip club is indicative of a desire for illicit sex- then those married men (and their wives at home) should be receiving fliers about STDs in the mail.
Obviously, I am passionate about this topic… :o) (I pseudo-apologize if I was brutally honest at some point).
@ harriet it wasnt that i didnt know i was married but it was a mindset type of thing, being a single supermom,not NEEDING a man, with a head so swollen even my mom couldnt tell me nothing, i had a good paying job, really nice home,my kids and i went shopping every paycheck for new clothes,drove a nice car miss independent….etc. when i got married i thought i was doing him a favor lol omg, boy did i have it twisted. my husband and my parents put me straight real quick but it took awhile. i tell anyone i know dont get too settled in being single like i did because u will be in for a rude awakening when u get married,esp if you get someone like my hubby,old fashioned and jamaican country to a tee, thank GOD i came to my senses before i lost him. that is the only advice, if any, i ever give.
And again, Joni…I guess you told me! LOL Awesome points, and honesty is a MUST when discussing issues like this!
Fran, sis, I was being totally facetious with you, but I can definitely relate to your story!
Oh, here’s a classic statement I heard through the SSA Support Group long ago (LOL):
“Girl, you ain’t NEVER gonna get married if you keep doing (insert nerve -wrecking action that married woman does ALL THE TIME here)!”
SMH…I just had a flashback of someone telling me that when I was single. I think I might be on the healing path! LOL
LOL@ Joni
Thanks for the article Harriet…I think (I know) I have been busy of SSA. I don’t mean any harm when I am doing it…but it can get a little annoying…so thanks for the reminder.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..VIDEO: The Bottom Line (Episode 2- Wasnt Last Night Amazing???) =-.
I meant to say I have been guilty of SSA
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..VIDEO: The Bottom Line (Episode 2- Wasnt Last Night Amazing???) =-.
This was a great article and I try to make it a point not to have SSA..but what about out single friends?
I find some of the problems I have are that I can’t talk to my friends about being married, they like my hubby and everything but its like they can’t remember that I’m married and so it might not be cool for me to stay out until 4 or 5am. I don’t always want to be the party pooper..
Sometimes I get the “just go do it by yourself..” kinda thing (when I really wanted to buy a house but out credit wasn’t where it needed to be yet). Why is it so hard for them to understand I can’t do all the “single”, get-up and go, kind of spontaneous things I use to do..like just drive down to NY for the night or foxwoods or whatever?
Harriet, I just love you writing! Girl, I am guilty as charged of having SSA. I believe I actually just displayed it about a week ago with a family member. I have to remember those single days and try hard not to put my married beliefs on them. It was good to read this post and hopefully it will help me to check myself before I display SSA.
Great article Harriet! I think “Joni” summed it up well! LOL..
@ Christina: I’m not married BUT I can say that even from remembering way back to Sex Education in school that all STD’s are not transmitted via penetration. Some STD’s can be transmitted via ORALLY. Need I say anymore .. just because you might be married and either your husband or wife uses good judgement in wrappin or strappin it does nothing against an ORALLY transmitted STD. Just the 2 cents from a single man who probably watches too much TV and reads too many blogs .. LOL LOL LOL ..
Girl, you are awesome! Thanks so much for this article and being humble enough to recognize the “error” in singling out single folks as the only ones who could be susceptible to STDs (and not even all of us for that matter, after all some of us are keepin’ it pure till marriage!). However, I would like to comment that even though I responded the way I did to your initial FB posting, that does not mean that I believe that no married person on this earth can tell me anything about being single….after all God has used some Godly people in my life to speak wise and sound counsel to me concerning my singleness, and alot of them are married lol. But I think the error comes when instead of “telling the truth in love” as the Bible says, married people speak in an attitude of haughtiness (unknowingly) as though once they are married, along with their marriage certificate, they also receive a teaching licsence to school singles on any and everything concerning their singleness…lol. No offense to my married friends. Love you all and God Bless:)
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