by Edward Lee
There is a new study conducted by The Marriage Project at the University of Virginia that is pushing new questions and discussion to the surface regarding the role and impact of faith in marriage.
Let me pause here and clarify that professionally, spiritually and personally I have no doubt that a personal relationship with God makes an absolutely immeasurable difference on the overall health of a marriage.
But beyond my own personal convictions, The Marriage Project determined that couples that pray and read the Bible together enjoy “higher levels of relationship quality.” These findings support the understanding that when a couple is spiritually connected to each other and to God, their relationship is positively impacted.
Finally! A slew of these secular, non-religious generated studies are starting to say what the faith community has known since Adam and Eve – that was best articulated by Jesus Himself – that who God joins together can not be separated. But there is something in this new study that prayerfully really grabs the attention of the African-American community.
When the researchers broke down the study participants, they noted that African-American couples enjoy a higher level of benefit from prayer and Bible reading than other ethnic groups. They attributed this elevated level of relationship enjoyment when compared to Latinos and Whites to the higher propensity of African-American couples to attend church and read the Bible together.
It is this religious propensity deeply woven into Black marriages that gives rise to what sociology professor and director of the National Marriage Project, W. Bradford Wilcox, calls the “African-American religion-marriage paradox.” I break Prof. Wilcox’s “paradox” down like this:
How is it that the group most likely to pray, attend church together, and benefit from a spiritual connection are also the group most likely to divorce? It would seem that as (not “if”) the power of a healthy marriage is found to be in a couple’s relationship with God, that the group more likely to have a relationship with God would be experiencing divorce at a lower rate than others. But we know that is not currently the case.
The results of this and similar studies has created a host of deep, scholarly opinions and postulating about this apparent paradox. And while I greatly appreciate the deep scholarly, analytical views, opinions, and theories that this study and related books are generating among scholars and marriage educators, there also needs to be a greater inner wrestling and discussion at the “user level” about this paradox. Why is it – how is it, that black couples can both be the most likely to dissolve their marriage and have the answer at the same time?
Having spent time working with couples both inside and outside of faith in God, I would be remiss not to mention that the disconnect does not lie with God. In fact, The Marriage Project’s results indicate that, God strengthens marriages. The power of His word, and prayer reaches couples of all stripes no matter where they are in their faith walk. But, apart and above church attendance, there is a need for the intentional, continual residence of God in our homes – daily. Personally, I have found that every major crisis in my marriage was resolved by our renewed concentration of faith through reading, studying and talking about Christ – together. Simply stated, my wife and I would never have gotten married and still be married if not for God. Yet, if we understand the findings of this report correctly, and remember the enduring testimony of faith and prayer inextricable from our heritage, then BMWK here is the question…
Is the power to change the rate of failed marriages and relationships in the African-American community primarily in the enlightenment and application of more faith, more praying together, more Bible reading together, and more Sunday’s in Church together?
The study is saying couples who pray and read their Bibles together are more likely to last. That’s different from just going to church together. Praying and reading together seem to denote an intentional move toward growing together and upward. For many, going to church is what’s done out of habit. So on some level, that might speak to why the paradox exists.
I think the most power to change the rate of failed marriages in the Black community is in positive examples of successful marriages. The 2 biggest examples of marriage are of my grandparents, who will celebrate 60 years next year, and my aunt & uncle who just celebrated 25 years after marrying right out of high school. And yes these 2 couples are also strong examples of faith. It’s not enough to simply say read the Bible together, pray together, and attend church together. Like Christina implied above, you need a model on how to apply those principles to your daily life and in your marriage, not just go through the motions.
The key phrase in your question to me is ” enlightenment and APPLICATION”, because we may go to church religiously (maybe out of habit), but when we actively APPLY God’s word to our daily lives (constantly trying to please HIM and BELIEVE), then our marriages will not fall victim to separations and divorce. I know I know I know the power in praying together (outside of worship). It leads to a different connection in a marriage, because you get the opportunity to hear your spouse speak from the heart and that leads to a deeper understanding of the person we’ve committed our lives to. It’s an unguarded, sincere time together with God that has an AWESOME result. I see it as putting God’s armor around your marriage and nothing can penetrate that!! This is definitely where the power is. We fail because we don’t stick to it…..myself included. If we could commit to doing this EVERYDAY…and not just when things get sticky, I believe the statistics would reflect our success.
I would adapt this to say that when a husband and wife are on the same page spiritually and religiously, they will have a greater chance of having a successful marriage. I don’t think it is mandatory for that religion to be Christianity. However both people have to be equally committed to God and to the morals and ethics that are defined by the religion. Both people have to see their wedding vows as extensions of their promises to God and put God first in all things. Both people have to fulfill their divine purpose and work towards living up to the mandates of their chosen religion, not for the happiness of the other party but for the glory of God. If both people do that, in whatever religion they are in, there is no reason their marriage cannot be successful.
Just as we must pray together as couples and go to church it’s still up to each individual in the relationship to establish their own relationship with God. Going through the motions is not enough. I think that we can be on both ends of the spectrum because there are couples that understand we must “renew our minds daily” and those that just go through the motions of what they think Christianity is, and fail to submit to the will of God.
Wow! You have hit on some key thoughts, especially about the “armor around your marriage”. Too many marriages in the church reach for “other” armor to strengthen their marriage. Thanks for your comments.
I think that emphasis should be on spending time reading praying and discussing the teachings of the bible and the couples faith together… that is the rock and not neccessarily going to church,church is great to attend together but like the saying goes the family that praysTOGETHER stays TOGETHER,not the family that just go to church, I know couples that go to church and don’t speak to each other when they leave. It is a continual action, my husband and I have gone through the fire with many different tragedies and awful events being thrown at our relationship some our fault some spritual testing, but at the end we knew where to go back to, our foundation….God and his word…..simply put you can’t just go stand in the gym and expect to lose weight you have to do some (exercise) some work, so you can’t just go sit in the pews of the church and expect a great relationship, like anything it takes work… I think that the relationship between AA people and religion is misinterpreted somewhat. It is the work that people put in their relationship(what the bible teaches we have to put it to use)..don’t give up go back to your foundation….most marital issue can be worked out if you don’t mind working on it
As a relationship coach and one whos educational background is within Christian counseling. I find the paradox to true in this regard.
Ive noticed that when counselors tell couples to compromise and take turns in decision making, it is a new source for creating conflict within relationships. Why? It is because you have two people with different values, beliefs and frame of references. You will have one couple saying that “We did you way the last time so it is time that we do it my way.†Many of these conflicts become unsolvable because there is no singular frame of reference.
But when you have both partners in a relationship with a focus on a singular reference e.g. discovering and following God’s way, it can create a basis for growth and closeness.
However, here is the problem as I see it and have discovered.
1. In our community and background history who will dare argue with God? This creates a problem within itself because of reason number two.
2. Interpretation is key and paramount in this matter and why I feel we are more prone to divorce.
No one ever talks about proper interpretation and simple know how. Think about it, you know how to do many things e.g. send a text, make corn bread, fix a flat…but if I ask you to put on the armor of God, seek Gods face, what does that actually means? How do you do this? How can you actually apply this to your life?
In coaching sessions, when I ask my Christian client these questions, it baffles them as if I said something far fetched. If you are not able to put into proper language the know-how behind these concepts and beliefs, this is where most conflict starts within a relationship and within our community marriage paradox.
In my personal informal studies, I found that when a couple has all their interpretations the same and the basis for relating within a singular focus such as religion, this is where the bliss starts. I did not find that people just did not want to apply these concepts but it was whether or not they believe in them or just pretending.
You can not operate successfully in anything pretending!!! This is where most of the problem as I see it in my coaching practice. Most dont actually believe in it totally. But fearful to argue with God or what pastor and leaders have presented as “thus said the Lordâ€. They wont speak about their disbelief or doubts in front of others but will tell a person like me what they actually believe.
So what the problem as I see it? It is pretending to believe something that they actually do not and trying to live a life that they are pretending to believe.
We all have our beliefs; Im just noticing how many are simply pretending and attempting to feel good about it at the same time. What a paradox!!!!
Absolutely the common factors are prayer, knowing the Word, and worshipping corporately. It takes all three of these things to build a strong Christian marriage…and a strong Christian life. Just attending church services will not get it. As a former pastor used to say, “Sitting in church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than sitting in a garage makes you a car.”
http://www.blog.raisingchristianboys.com
I agree-we must apply the word of God to our lives and not just go through the motions. I remember when I was a kid my parents were unhappy with a particular congregation they had joined and were beginning to to pull back from it, and even though we stopped attending that particular congregation, we continued to pray as a family and they (my parents) continued to pray as a unit until we found a new place to fellowship, and our family remained strong and undivided. So many go through the motions of attending church regularly without being spiritually fed or attend church and don’t take the extra steps to spend time praying and building a relationship with the Almighty or applying the word of God to their lives. In order to have successful relationships/bonds here on earth, we must continually work on our relationship/bond with the One who knows us best….we must work on our relationship with God. I honestly believe that my parents faith in God and continuous search for truth in Him made their marriage and our family the strong unit it is today. While I believe you don’t need to be a religious fanatic to have a successful marriage, I do believe that when you put God first, nothing will tear apart your happy union =)