by Harriet Hairston
On Tuesday, Dr. Shane Perrault wrote an article about the Civil War between black men and women in America. The issues we face as a people were made painfully obvious, but what about the solutions? Nwenna Kai commented, “I’m ready to discuss an action plan…we have too many discussions on the problems and not enough on…action.”
That comment became the onus for this article today. During the Civil War, the United States almost imploded with a fight over opposing doctrines: slavery vs. freedom. What of this so-called Civil War between black men and women that is so often discussed today? It goes way beyond men vs. women. It is also a battle between independence vs. interdependence in the black community!
More aptly put, the philosophy of “I’ma Do Me” vs. “We Are Family.” We could go on and on about the problem, but I believe the war is over. It is now time for some action.
During the Reconstruction Era after the Civil War, there was a desperation in the country for unity. People wanted to put the war behind them. To aid in that desire, Congress added the “Reconstruction Amendments” to the Constitution of the United States:
- The 13th Amendment abolished slavery and prohibited involuntary servitude.
- The 14th Amendment allowed people of color to have due process and constitutional rights to liberty, property, marriage, children and life.
- The 15th Amendment allowed everyone the right to vote regardless of their prior condition as slaves.
In many respects, these same three amendments could be enacted within the African-American family and community to bring us back to some sort of equilibrium. The vertigo of frustration, hatred and blame has dizzied our community long enough. Perhaps we should adopt some reconstruction amendments of our own:
- First Reconstruction Amendment: Total abolishment of unforgiveness and blame among black men and women. Instead of pointing fingers at one another, it would be better to sit down and gain an understanding of our differences as men and women. I’m sure we’ll find that we are more alike than we have allowed ourselves to believe.
- Second Reconstruction Amendment: The right to seek and build up the purpose and destiny of ourselves and our children, which will create a generational shift away from negativity and towards the rebuilding of our communities. I strongly believe that when you teach a person about their purpose and identity, all that negativity can be completely obliterated.
- Third Reconstruction Amendment: The right to have a voice and a vote in the conditions of black America. This right comes with inherent responsibilities towards community service, activism and setting proper examples for our children. This right also contains the responsibility to reflect marriages and families that are unified, full of love and consistent in communication.
I could truly go on and on, but I’d like to know what you think about these three amendments, BMWK. What other actions can you think of that will help aid us in making a lasting change within ourselves and our future generations? Let your voice be heard!
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at [email protected].
Amen, Harriet! We are in serious need of reconstruction – focusing on the solutions to the problems our community faces. We have got to mend the relationship between adults first, before that shift in parenting can occur….Great article!
Great list Harriet and a definite beginning to an action plan. I think you hit it on the head with what you have.
I wish we WOULD have more talks aobut our identity and purpose in the household early on.
But even with my knowledge and experience and thinking forward to starting it in my future family.. i dont know where to start. 🙁
Where do WE start?
As in … it’s very supjective and how do we know what’s truth and not?
Thanks, Tara and Lamar!
As far as a starting point is concerned, someone said in the “Let’s end the civil war” article that ridding ourselves of a patriarchal spiritual foundation would help. For me, I disagree with that sentiment wholeheartedly.
I start with my children with who God says he is. Then we pray that drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, nicotine will never touch their bodies. We pray all the time towards our boys walking out the entire journey of their lives and pray against premature death and/or destruction.
Then after all the prayer is done, we rehearse in their minds the greatness God deposited in them. We tell them from the Word of God that they are more than conquerors, everything their hands touch will be met with good success, they are above only, not beneath, lenders, not borrowers, no weapon formed against them shall prosper, etc., etc.
Then after that, we observe them and invest in what gives them natural joy. For example, our oldest son loves to make up radio shows and pretend he’s doing talk shows. So we have him do shows for us where our friends are his audience. Our youngest son LOVES music. So we invest in music DVDs, drums, keyboards, xylophones, etc.
All that while telling them that the sky is a limit that’s entirely too low when they serve the God that created the universe. We build them up to KNOW that even though they are small, they can take confidence in the fact that a HUGE God injected His eternal greatness in them before they were even formed in the womb.
That’s our strategy. It seems to be working so far.
Harriet,
Your idea is a good start. You have put some “principles” in place that are good with your 3 reconstruction amendments. However, they don’t translate easily into actions. I will comment on each of them separately.
? First Reconstruction Amendment: Total abolishment of unforgiveness and blame among black men and women. Instead of pointing fingers at one another, it would be better to sit down and gain an understanding of our differences as men and women. Im sure well find that we are more alike than we have allowed ourselves to believe.
I recently met with a couple that has been married for 21 years. It seems they have been fighting (verbally) for nearly all that time — through 2 careers and 3 children — one in college now. They each expressed that they want their marrige not to fail at this late stage, but the struggle is making them both weary.
They struggle with an “endless list of forgiveness issues.” It is easy to say “forgive and move on” but very difficult in reality — for a couple — much less for Black mena nd women in general.
I find that agreeing to “measurable goals — with accompanying actions” at least works to measure progress and to discuss corrective steps. For example, since this website is devoted to Black and married with kids, a BIG GOAL should be to “get these three in order — first Black and married, then kids.”
Now, since we are overwhelmed with relationships that start backwards, the first issue to be resolved is whether a “black man and woman with kids (or just one) are willing to work toward marriage. So, in my mind the First Reconstruction Amendment would be:
RECONSTRUCTION AMENDMENT ONE: Black men and women in relationships with children should work toward the goal of establishing a “Married Relationship.” This type of relationship can be defined based on cultural, relgious, and standard legal terms. With this major goal, incremental steps can be identified – resolving conflict, forgiveness, resetting priorities, mutual commitment to the future of the children, etc. This is no longer a “feel good” amendment, but one that can be built out with substance.
I am interested in your response. I will consider the other two in follow up comments.
Thuso,
You make EXCELLENT points. I hate to admit it, but you’re right…these reconstruction amendments are great in principle, but difficult to translate to action.
Your point about making “Black and married, THEN kids” the first amendment is so crucial. But what of the young ladies and men with children from different men and women? For example, my husband never laid eyes on his father, but his mother married his younger brother’s father who–unfortunately–was abusive.
I think the most important thing is to start with the children/adolescents now. They can be taught that marriage is not a foreign concept reserved only for the white people they see on television. I’m not saying it’s too late for the adults, but they’ve lived, had their hearts broken and adopted philosophies that are more difficult to undo than just throwing at them “MARRIAGE ROCKS!”
Where can a couple with 21 years of built up unforgiveness even begin? I’m positive their arguments are more historical (and hysterical) with every passing day. Not only is that toxic to a relationship, but to a person’s physical body as well.
You’re the professional…where does a couple like that even begin? Do they write out all the things that have upset them about one another and try to hash them out one by one? That could take another 21 years!
Truthfully, they would have to adopt the same attitude as Christ (forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us). If we want forgiveness, we have to be willing to give it. It doesn’t absolve a person of responsibility, but it frees us from the prison of trying to hold onto the offense.
Harriet,
I love your Christian spirit. Just a note of full disclosure. I am not a professional. My wife and I have been married 43 years. Perhaps that makes us professional marrried folks. We are blessed with a common Christian spiritual focus that makes our lives together easier — no guilt trips or pontificating about what “you ought to do.”
Your approach to your children is about as good as it can get, as you submit your spritual lives to the guidance you get from the Word of God in the Bible.
There is one thing I observed recently with our preacher about “forgiveness” that is important. If you are a Bible student, perhaps you can look into this as well. Except for the forgiveness that Jesus “requests” on the cross, forgiveness is a conditional response that requires “repentance.” See Luke 17:3, and 2 Cor. 7:10.
Often we suggest “forgiveness” as the model behavior in healing relationships. Only God has the power to wash away sins. The rest of us must work our way through repentance (Godly repentance, according to the Corinthian letter) to obtain the fogiveness that heals. Where there is no repentance, unforgiveness is the result. To forgive without repentance is to accept the behavior that requires forgiveness in the first place. When this acceptance is accumulated over time, the result is constant pain.
Relationships can be healed. But the steps must be put in the proper order.
Thuso,
Although I agree that forgiveness requires repentence, an offender does not necessarily have to repent in order for the wronged person to forgive. In fact, what if the offender shows absolutely NO remorse for wrong done? What then? Do we continue to build and rebuild the walls that have torn us as a people apart over the years?
I’m not saying forgiveness absolves a person of guilt at all. I’m saying that we ALL have need of forgiveness, but unless we’re willing to give it, no matter what the attitude of our offender, we surely won’t receive it from an Almighty God.
It’s a condition of the heart…which is why so many who hold grudges end up with heart problems or autoimmune diseases like arthritis…because eventually we become just like the people we haven’t forgiven if we hold onto the offense. Perhaps not in practice, but most certainly in motivation. Hurt people HURT PEOPLE over and over and over again. It’s a vicious cycle.
And if cart blanche repentance were required, surely Jesus would not have died on that cross. He’s omniscient, so He knew there would be those who would repent and those who wouldn’t…yet He still died anyway to at least give us the opportunity to get it right.
Forgiveness to me doesn’t mean I’m settling for abusive behavior…but it effectively removes the power I’ve given another person over a space in my heart and mind because I’ve let it go and allowed God to deal with it.
Thanks for your contribution Harriet. Love your passion, efforts and dedication to this important cause. Also appreciate all of you who have taken part in reading the blog and posting comments. We are witnessing — and taking part in — the early stages of a Revolution, which is the only way a Civil War can be Won. (Revolution is change!)
Dr. Shane
Stop the Hate, and Black on Black crime’s against Love and Our Family Systems! That’s what this Revolution (Change) is about. LOL And be a beacon of Change…
Harriet, as always, an excellent post! My thought on what could aid us in making a lasting change within ourselves and our future generations is for each of us to step up a little bit more, take responsibility for our own actions and go the 2nd mile. Go a little bit beyond just what you are supposed to do. Give a little bit more, love a little be more, be patient a little be more, be available a little bit more, listen a little bit more. In everything we do, just push pass what you would normally do or give, and see what an impact that might have on your family, in your marriage, at work etc.
I love this conversation, it is a necessary one!
Great Post… Love It!!
The Battle is in the Mind….
I feel we should Reconstruct our Minds.. I think as an amendment to your excellent Amendments is to heal the negative psychological effects that history and ourselves have placed upon us..
There are so many of us still searching for freedom(mental) that the free among us need to reach back and guide those still lost mentally…
Please continue the conversation…
@ Tiya,
You’re so right…all of us could do just a little bit more.
@ Dr. Shane,
I certainly appreciate you being the genesis of this discussion! Revolution IS change!
@ Roderick,
Our history doesn’t have to be our future…I think that’s where the disconnect has taken place in the minds of so many these days. That’s why it’s so important for all of us to start at home…building up our spouses and our children is absolutely imperative.
I really appreciate the discussion this has garnered! Keep it coming!
Harriet,
You are a blessing to all of us reading this. You are correct about having a “forgiving spirit” to initiate the healing the process. Someone must lead the way out of the conflict, and a stubborn quid pro quo won’t do anything but sustain the civil war.
Your Second Reconstruction Amendment: The right to seek and build up the purpose and destiny of ourselves and our children, which will create a generational shift away from negativity and towards the rebuilding of our communities. I strongly believe that when you teach a person about their purpose and identity, all that negativity can be completely obliterated.
This is a good point to emphasize. However, the reality is that we are already free. The old anecdote about Harriet Tubman applies, “I could have freed a lot more if they knoew they were slaves.”
My fear is that there is a downward spiral at work in our Black communities that threatens to destroy families and children at an even more alarming pace. In the early stages of life, a child is full of wonder and discovery — learning about the joys and some of the pain of this world. Sadly, the environment for so many just snuffs out that wonder and joy, and they arrive at the age of accelerated learning without any desire to seek a purpose that includes joy and peace and love any more. Their self-identity is distorted, their self-esteem in tatters,and their world view clouded with anger and a lack of purpose.
I would rewrite the amendment to read:
* SEEK YOUR PURPOSE WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND SOUL AND BEING. As the Proverbs writer says: “Get wisdom, get understanding . . . though it cost all you have, get understanding.” Pr. 4:5-8
Your purpose and identity will emerge from this relentless pursuit of understanding.
Honestly, there is so much I would love to say in order to add and expand several strong areas but instead I would love to draw together the focal people that this Blog has brought together. We have hear enough individuals with great resources and wealth of experience and testimonies to take and make a stand to an epidemic in our society and our culture and even our communities.
My plea is that we put feet to action or better yet meet to be the once that not only saw the problem and talk about the problem but we also are doing something about this problem.
My question is “are we the ones that have eyes to see and see and have ears to hear and hear and most of all the understanding and love in our hearts to become history makers and world shakers.
That’s we will become more responsible and accountable to standards and principles that will transcend from one generation to the next (can you see your children and their childrens children standing stronger and firmer than we have because of what you and I decide today…
I’m looking forward to putting feet to action in the rebuilding of the Ancient walls and pillars of the forefathers!!!
Harriet,
In response to the recent post about action, AND to complete my response to your 3 amendments, I would like to add this comment about the 3rd Reconstruction Amendment.
Third Reconstruction Amendment: The right to have a voice and a vote in the conditions of black America. This right comes with inherent responsibilities towards community service, activism and setting proper examples for our children. This right also contains the responsibility to reflect marriages and families that are unified, full of love and consistent in communication.
Only a slight modification is necessary to turn this into an action step. It embodies two factors — execising the voice that we have, and modeling the behavior we desire to see in our children.
Third Reconstruction Amendment: Exercise the voice you have to be an active participant in the decisions that shape your community and nation. Don’t stop at the ballot box. Call and wite your representatives on all levels. If you don’t vote, don’t complain. Get actively involved in at least one community initiative that you feel passionately about. If you are not involved, don’t complain about what “they are not doing.” Finally, be the model of family love commitment that you want your children to emulate. Communicate with your children. The older they get, the more you have to listen, and avoid preaching at them. They are real people too.
I like this dialog, and this forum that we can share to offer real solutions, not just slogans and rants.
May your days be blessed with prosperity and joy.
First of all I would like to say wonderful blog! I had a quick question
which I’d like to ask if you don’t mind. I was interested to know how
you center yourself and clear your mind prior to writing.
I’ve had trouble clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out. I do enjoy writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are wasted simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or tips? Thanks!