Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I’ve been married a year now but with him for 4 years and my husband and I have sexual relations maybe once a month. At times it can go for 6 weeks. He is an excellent dad to his children, actually I feel he loves them more than me. He works; he provides for his family and is a great guy. But when it comes to affection, romance and sex its 2 thumbs down. As his wife I have listened to every excuse that he has given me as to what could be the problem. I have asked him to seek a Dr. to try and get down to the problem. I practically took him in the office, he did a few STD testing and was negative. He never went back to get down to the root of the problem.

I am a Pisces; I am a very affectionate, romantic and sexual person. He knew this when he first met me and not to mention he has a sexy wife. To keep this serious, it just feels like we’re roommates. We pay bills, take care of the kids and we may go out to a movie or dinner. But NO touching or goo goo eyes unless I initiate it. Now, I just feel like the man in this relationship always being the one to touch him. It makes me feel like it’s so one-sided.

Do I think he’s cheating? Sometimes I do. The reality is, when he does have the time to be intimate, he uses, “I have to work” excuse. But I have to say he did cheat on me in the past while I was pregnant with our 2 year old son so I can’t put anything past him. I’m so confused at this point because I truly love him and have done a lot for him to help him get back on his feet as well as helped as much as I could with this issue. But if this is not normal and has every sign of being an unhealthy relationship and doesn’t look like he’s willing to change. I’m the type of woman that doesn’t need a man to validate me, so I’m going to put on my running shoes and head for the door.

I really need some advice because I know good men are hard to find so when you have one you should keep him. But if you’re unhappy at times because of this situation just what is a girl to do. What Do You Do When Their In No Romance in Your Marriage?

Please help me,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Based on the description that you provided regarding your marital discord, I would argue that physical intimacy is problematic in your relationship because there is little spiritual or emotional intimacy. I drew this observation from your statements. You said, “He is an excellent dad to his children, actually I feel he loves them more than me. To keep this serious, it just feels like we’re roommates. We pay bills, take care of the kids and we may go out to a movie or dinner.”

Believe it or not, some men do not like to engage in physical intimacy if they do not feel connected emotionally or spiritually. This is confusing for most women because some men have had one night sexual encounters without being emotionally connected. While this is true, there is a difference. Men can have one night sexual encounters without emotional intimacy because the expectations are different. Relationships that are primarily sexual in nature are often about generating sexual synergy and nothing more. Once the “good” sex is over so is the relationship.

Your marital discord is rooted in deeper issues. Please understand that spiritual and emotional intimacy is needed in order to have a healthy relationship. Spiritual intimacy sets the foundation for a healthy relationship and emotional intimacy helps build trust. Spiritual intimacy allows individuals to connect on faith and purpose. You should ask your husband the following question, “What is our purpose?” Having a common purpose gives meaning to your relationship. Also, I encourage you to address your trust issues.

It is difficult to have true emotional intimacy without trust. Marriages have a less likely chance of survival if trust is missing. Please address your trust issues with your husband. When trust is present in a relationship, individuals feel comfortable disclosing their personal thoughts and experiences.

To answer your question, What Do You Do When There In No Romance in Your Marriage? The answer is simple: Seek help. You are focusing a great deal on the lack of sexual and physical intimacy in your marriage. While these things are very important, they cannot sustain a marriage. You should strive to address what I perceive to be spiritual and emotional challenges with your husband. Explore whether he is emotionally or physically challenged in regards to making love.

In working with hundreds of men over the years, I have learned that men’s decision to withdraw from having sex or expressing intimacy stems from two areas: emotional distress and/or sexual dysfunction. Once you identify your husband’s challenge, you will be better equipped to determine if you should remain married. Furthermore, you will learn how to respond to him appropriately.

I do not believe that a wife or husband should walk away from his or her significant other if the person has potential and is willing to grow. However, it is important to be mindful of the fact that a man or woman will not change unless he or she wants to do so. So, do not think that you can change your husband if he does not want or desire help. You can support your husband and ask him to attend professional counseling, but if he refuses, then what? Pray about it and seek God’s guidance. If he refuses to seek help, you should still consider it for personal growth. Contact me if warranted.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.