Yesterday we ran a post by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter called Why Her about questions that a woman had after her boyfriend married another woman. Well that woman has weighed in with more details to help us out. You can check them out below:
Hello Brothers,
I am the sister that called my married girlfriend to ask “Do married men like docile women?” The reason I posed that question is because I had been dating a guy for three years and he proposed to another woman. I was so hurt and disappointed. Anyway, he told me he proposed to her because she always did what he asked her to do and never talked back. I guess she gave him the final say. He said I sometimes complained that he only came around when he wanted me to do something for him. He also said she paid his car note for him for two months when he was struggling financially. Other than that, he thought I was a great catch with wonderful kids.
Now, let me get down to it. For the first twelve years of my life, I witnessed my mother get abused physically and verbally by my father. When he wasn’t there abusing her, she would verbally abuse me. By the time I turned 16 and was old enough to date, I was abused by my first love too. He disrespected me verbally on a regular basis and I allowed it to happen for five years. It affected my self-esteem. I didn’t have any. So I guess you can say I was a victim of domestic violence and verbal abuse for the first 21 years of my life. By the time I left my abuser at 22, I vowed that I would never let anybody else disrespect me or talk down to me again.
I am 35 now and continue to strive to be a better person. Sometimes I allow my past to get the best of me. I will snap off if I feel threatened or disrespected. As far as relationships with men go, I DO NOT have a problem allowing a man to be a man. I think my problem is that I have been forced to be strong and domineering for so long because my daughter’s dad has never supported me and I have had to carry the weight by myself since becoming a mom at 19. I pay all the bills, go to all the doctor’s appointments and deal with all of their hurt and pain without his support. I have no problems supporting a man on any level. In 1998 I was engaged to a guy who I supported regularly. Even when we broke up I helped him pay his bills when he would fall short. It didn’t work out because he was a cheater and admitted that he took me for granted. I use to get angry and fight him with hurtful words because it was all I knew. We forgave each other and are the best of friends now. I love the brothers and desire to be married SOON. How can a brother ask a single mother to pay his car note? He would also do things that irritated me and I would tell him about himself. In the past, I would cuss a man out but I learned that is not appropriate at any time.
I guess my question is, “How do I balance this out?????” I love the brothers and respect the ones that are loving and respecting the sisters. Is it possible to submit to a man and let him take control when I am so use to having to be in control? Do I have to be docile to get married? What’s the deal?
This is a great article and I can relate 100% to everything you have stated. I know it is difficult to find that acceptable boundary when dealing w/ a man. I would not change who I am for a man to put a ring on my finger. Clearly it doesn’t matter soley on how a woman’s personality is, especially if the man truly loves and appreciate her and understands why she has a wall up in the first place! Some men want someone to be controlling over and want allow her to celebrate the woman she has become from her trials. My advice: Celebrate YOU. The right man who is not looking for a free ride and truly wants to be with you and your kids will help you work through your difficulties that cause you to lash out instead of using it as an excuse to make you feel like you are not “marriage material.” The woman he has decided to marry is selling herself short in my opinion. She sounds like someone who has settled for less than what she deserves or just wants to be able to say she is “married” but the question that matters is can she still be true to her self with him? I think you were blessed for him not asking you. A man that is for you and your character is going to come along and sweep you off your feet while you busy staying true to YOU!
Compromise is an essential part of a lot of relationships. I just think you chose to compromise the wrong things in your relationship. Paying a dudes’ bills? Been there, done that…but it’s not worth it. Being all right with infidelity? That’s something I never, EVER compromised! If I found out about it, I was gone, and I let it be known from the get go that I wasn’t rolling like that. I wasn’t a single mother when I got married, but one thing I admired about some of the single mothers I knew was that they didn’t allow a man to have access to their children until they knew a commitment had been established. And even then, there were boundaries…no sleepovers or extreme displays of affection in front of the child because they didn’t want that child to get confused or have a million “Uncle Moe” type men hanging around.
But there are other things you can balance out as well. For example, during a disagreement, take the time out to be quiet and listen with an ear of wisdom to what the man is saying, whether you agree or not. I’m not saying be a yes woman, but I am saying to take the time to listen to his perspective without interrupting or feeling the need to prove to him you’re right. You may very well be right, but you’d be amazed at what you will learn from a man’s perspective if you just hear him out.
But the key word you mentioned is balance. And to be real, a relationship with God doesn’t hurt this situation at all. You survived your past, but you will continually find yourself living in it if you don’t establish a relationship with the One Who holds your future.
Issues, issues, issues…we all have them, male and female. As females we expect the males to see what we have been through as single moms working 5 days a week, come home and work some more preparing meals, checking homework etc., When a man can’t see the true person that you are, he doesn’t deserve you. Just do YOU is so important, you may be alone at times that you want someone special at your side but trust me, you are not lonely. Remember that God is still preparing you as a wife while he is still preparing that special man to be a man of GOD and he will see your inner beauty and apprecaite all that you have done for your family without the presence of a male. Stay strong my sister, you destiny is just around the corner.
you definitely have sparked some debate! i would suggest that you do some kind of work (i hesitate to the use the word therapy) that allows you to let go of the issues from your childhood and your adult issues as well. people can change. i’ve known two people who have overcome some pretty serious child hood issues (abuse, abandonment) without formal therapy. instead they relied on “Dear God, please don’t let me do what was done to me” and the thought that the only right thing to do was the exact OPPOSITE of what they had seen their parents do when they were children.
if you find out that you truly like being the more dominant one in the relationship, then you need to find a man who is cool with that. i’ve known two good men (one white, one black) who preferred the woman to be the dominant force. both are married to amazingly strong women and seem pretty happy. however if you do find a man who is cool with you being the stronger one, then you can’t get mad when you’ve got to work harder to pick up the slack and ensure that things are taken care of.
take this with a grain of salt and let me add one more thing. the men i know who liked stronger women were still men! they acted like gentlemen and treated women with respect. they worked and both were pretty successful. they did not look at a woman as a pocketbook.
Dealing with your past isn’t always easy and you do need to continue working towards making peace with it in order to leave the past in the past. Have you ever seeked out counseling or getting professional help to deal with it? Sometimes we think we can handle our emotions ourselves and in my personal opinion, there is nothing wrong with getting a little help in that area when its really needed.
After being burned so many times before when I entered the relationship I’m in now, I looked to see how we would equally balance each other out. How much value is he bringing to me and how much value am I bringing to him? If there is too much compromise on one side ( i.e. you having to change yourself) then the balance is off. If he could not understand that you couldn’t help him financially because you were dealing with hurdles of your own, then I think that you two simply may not have been well meshed. Compromise is vital but an entire change of who you are may be too much to ask.
I don’t see a problem helping a man, if he truly is going through a tough patch. As long as you both have a financial plan and a structure of the help and discussions on how to avoid it in the future. But in helping him you have to have the means to do so. Trying to do it when you really can’t afford to can end up destroying you both. Also the reason he got into the financial bind is important too. If he is financially irresponsible that’s a whole different story.
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Do you have to be Docile? hell no. I real man will love you just the way you are. Most men like strong women. Don’t let the guy you were dating make you second guess yourself. He sounds like a manipulator, he chose her because she pays his bills, and he she doesn’t talk back, and does what ever he says. Well good for him, if that’s the kind of women he wants to be with. Then he is not the one for you. You keep doing you, being strong, and stop looking for love. It’s a proven fact that if you look for it, it won’t happen (ok not a proven fact). Love is something that just happens and I read the whole piece you wrote and not once did you mention the word Love.
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Harriet you are such a Christian!!! I think that is so fantastic. It is always good to hear The Truth. Your name should be Mrs. Keepin’ It Real.
This is great to get to hear ALL of her side. I had questions that she clearly answered.
Honestly, I know from personal experience how it is to be single and desire to be married. Especially when you know you’re a great woman with a lot to give.
From one sister to another, the BEST thing to do now is focus on self. I went through a period where I couldn’t find the right guy or the guy I thought I found wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship and I even had a couple of guys get married on me. Then when my close girlfriends started to get married I thought, “HOLD ON! WHY IS IT HAPPENING TO HER & NOT ME?!”
I finally had to take a step back and focus on myself. Focus on who I really was and who I was really trying to be. I started working on goals that I had put off and working on things I didn’t even know I wanted to do. That kept me busy, kept my mind busy and gave me life. It got to the point I was happy being single and begin telling men that who wanted to go out with me and date me that I was happy being single and wasn’t looking for a committed relationship!
Then next thing I know…BAM! I met him in April 2007 and married in July 2007. Weird, uh? And I seriously wasn’t even looking for a mate.
So, I’m saying this to say, use this single time for yourself. Do things that you’d thought you’d never do to, go places, start your own traditions and just get to know you inside and out. Look at this like a self-journey and for the heck of it, keep a journal. When you look back you’d be amazed at what your thoughts and feelings were.
And keep in mind, while you’re working on you, there is a man working on himself right now for you. I tell people being single is like baking a cake. Just because the cake smells good while it’s in the oven, doesn’t mean that it’s ready. It may still need a little more baking time.
Peace and blessings on your jouney.
WOW! Let me say, Sister, I Love you, with that capital L, agape Love. I don’t know you from anyone but I honor the strength you have to share your story. I know how you feel, and have had similar experiences growing up myself. I’d like to share with you what I did, in a VERY condensed version, to heal my heart and open myself up to Love.
What I found out is that I was letting the events of my past justify, at the time, my current situation. Through some long hard trials and a couple of REALLY good books, I realized that my past didn’t define who I was in present time. So I stepped back into my past and forgave the situations I was in. I tried to have conversations with those whose choices affected my life to clear the air and try to learn where they were coming from, not to place blame. In some cases, that was more painful than anything else. Some felt like they were victims of circumstance or they felt they did their best with what they had or they blamed me. Whatever the response, I honored it and let it go. I became thankFULL for the experiences but decided that the behaviors associated with them had to go, even if the memories remained.
I took time out to seek God and learn who I was in His eyes. As I truly embraced that call to my inner divinity, I was able to Love myself like I never have before. I mean I LOVE everything about my life, from the blessings to the challenges. In Loving myself, I was able to transfer that Love to others and yes, even attract the man of my dreams. I mean this man is TOOOO good, better than any dream i could have ever conjured up. His is my gift from God.
James Allen, author of “As A Man Thinketh”, once said, “You don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are.” Consider that. Look within your heart and determine “what you are”. My blessing has been to attract the Love of my life and see myself reflected in him. It confirms to me that I AM a GOOD woman, anointed by God.
Another good book to reference in this situation is the Bible where it gives the direction for wives, and that is to submit to their husbands. Most women look at that and grimace. Rarely is the scripture completed where it tells the husband to Love his wife like Christ Loved the Church and gave Himself for it. Christ took upon Himself ALL the sins and pains and agonies of the Church and then died for it. When you find a man who treats you as Christ treated the Church, submission is EASY! It will seem like the least you could do to maintain balance in your relationship, because he will give you so much more than you could ever believe yourself worthy of.
That’s been my journey. And what an incredible journey is has been. I am blessed and you will be too. It’s not an easy journey by any means. But if you can keep in mind that “God is a good God all the time,” then you will find peace in your soul as you clear your past, challenge the present and mobilize your future to attract the man of YOUR dreams. I wish you God’s continued blessings. Always…(s.m.i.l.e.)
First of all good read.
Second of all…YES…I keeps it real! Men do like women that are more docile…Why?…Shoot…Why not? Women today are so caught up in this culture of “doing you” and “independent woman” and I’m not saying theres something wrong with that, but a man has no need for a woman who has no need for him. A man likes a woman to be subserviant, not because he likes her to do everything he wants, but because to a man this emphasizes trust from a woman. I don’t know about the “talking back” part. I think that was a little bit exaggerated by the person that was telling the story. I would prefer that a woman trust what I say, because she puts her trust in me. Women are shying away from this, and there are some women who may even read this and think I’m a total moran for saying these things. The reason you didn’t get married…well…quite frankly, you have issues. Issues in trusting a man, issues with dominance in a relationship, and emotional issues from the past that affect your ability to have a healthy relationship. I always say that it is selfish of a woman to wonder why a man won’t commit to her, yet she is not mentally prepared for a future with a good man. Don’t get it twisted, I feel it is selfish for a man to believe that he can have a healthy relationship with a woman and not have his priorities in order first; a job, a car, his own place, mentally competent, etc… I feel relatioships can evolve from just two people loving wach other, but I also feel they cannot last if the two individuals don’t have their personal life together. No Ms. Miko a real man won’t like you for who you are if who you are sucks as a person. That’s not a real man, that’s just a man accepting whatever he can get. A REAL man wants a woman that is strong yet is subserviant to him. A REAL man wants a woman that doesn’t let her past lead her future (so many women live like this). A REAL man wants a woman who is intelligent but not afrais to pull out her ghetto card if the setting requires her to do so. A REAL man likes a woman to be consistent, because women will sometimes put up this image, and then get comfortable in the relationship and now they feel like “Oh, I don’t need to look sexy any more, I have him” or “I don’t have to rub his back like I used to, we’re together, I don’t need to work hard to get him anymore”…A REAL man loves for you to continue loving him like everyday is like the first day that you guys fell in love. Of course if you don’t do these things, or have these qualities, then DUUHHH, you’re not going to get married. So women listen to Ms. Miko…if you want to stay single…By the way A REAL man pays his own damn bills. Thnak you for your time. No hard feelings Ms. Miko :o)
First of all good read.
Second of all…YES…I keeps it real! Men do like women that are more docile…Why?…Shoot…Why not? Women today are so caught up in this culture of “doing you” and “independent woman” and I’m not saying theres something wrong with that, but a man has no need for a woman who has no need for him. A man likes a woman to be subserviant, not because he likes her to do everything he wants, but because to a man this emphasizes trust from a woman. I don’t know about the “talking back” part. I think that was a little bit exaggerated by the person that was telling the story. I would prefer that a woman trust what I say, because she puts her trust in me. Women are shying away from this, and there are some women who may even read this and think I’m a total moran for saying these things. The reason you didn’t get married…well…quite frankly, you have issues. Issues in trusting a man, issues with dominance in a relationship, and emotional issues from the past that affect your ability to have a healthy relationship. I always say that it is selfish of a woman to wonder why a man won’t commit to her, yet she is not mentally prepared for a future with a good man. Don’t get it twisted, I feel it is selfish for a man to believe that he can have a healthy relationship with a woman and not have his priorities in order first; a job, a car, his own place, mentally competent, etc… I feel relatioships can evolve from just two people loving wach other, but I also feel they cannot last if the two individuals don’t have their personal life together. No Ms. Miko a real man won’t like you for who you are if who you are sucks as a person. That’s not a real man, that’s just a man accepting whatever he can get. A REAL man wants a woman that is strong yet is subserviant to him. A REAL man wants a woman that doesn’t let her past lead her future (so many women live like this). A REAL man wants a woman who is intelligent but not afraid to pull out her ghetto card if the setting requires her to do so. A REAL man likes a woman to be consistent, because women will sometimes put up this image, and then get comfortable in the relationship and now they feel like “Oh, I don’t need to look sexy any more, I have him” or “I don’t have to rub his back like I used to, we’re together, I don’t need to work hard to get him anymore”…A REAL man loves for you to continue loving him like everyday is like the first day that you guys fell in love. Of course if you don’t do these things, or have these qualities, then DUUHHH, you’re not going to get married. So women listen to Ms. Miko…if you want to stay single…By the way A REAL man pays his own damn bills. Thnak you for your time. No hard feelings Ms. Miko :o)
I’ve got a comment for this one when I get home later. Good comments from all. Kai Sanders thanks for speaking from the heart and Marcus thanks for keeping it real lol.
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Went back and read the original post wondering, why this sister was in a non exclusive relationship for so long? Cause I was trying to figure how he got to know the woman he did marry, and now I see the jilted set herself up for failure at the beginning.
I disagree with Marcus’ cliched remarks about a REAL MAN, and subservient is the wrong word to use, you have to look at each individual man. There are similarities, but they are all different. THIS MAN needed a different type of woman, someone who’d allow him to be the dominant personality, and be more giving in his time of need, but that is not every man’s MO. Other’s would rather slit their wrist or spend 2 months hiding their ride til they got caught up than ask for money. Plus how could she trust someone she was not in an exclusive relationship with?? I like that she stood on what she stands for regarding her money and personality, and he obviously couldn’t knock her for it.
Great discussion!
My oppinion is we as a community need to stop trying to live a fantasy life. You want to keep it real then do just that. A couple is a pair. A pair is more usefull together. One hand washes the other. A couple in a relationship needs to do for each other. When in an intimate relationship you would tend to treat the other individual like they are precious (atleast I do to my wife and children). If you love something you would do what is needed to be done to maintain it.
A few years ago when I met my wife I dated a few other young ladies. I mean date not slept with. Me and my wife grew closer because we shared almost everything with each other. Be it time, space, food, conversation. Anyone who knows me and my family would tell you my wife speaks her mind. I feel she is a strong woman, but I don’t leave her dominate or demean me. Further more she doesn’t try. We don’t agree on everything but we try to find what would be best for the given situation. All man do not prefer a docile woman. We all have different personalities and as individuals we find different things attractive.
When you live for self you end up alone, when you live selfless and for others you live for god.
In the infamous words of Dr. Phil “And how’s that working for you?” If who you are TODAY is working for you, keep on keepin’ on. If it’s not…the first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is owning it and doing something about it.
If this is the first time that you have heard that you have a quick tongue, argumentative and controlling – then throw that out. If it’s not, examine other areas of your life and see how they intersect regarding this issue and make a decision about what to do about it. At some point in our lives we all have to take stock and make minor or major adjustments. Just like we always want an upgrade on our cell phones, operating systems, iPod’s or etc…a better version of ourselves doesn’t hurt either. Just for the record – I’m working on Joyce 8.0 🙂
Just to through this out there…The Bible tells the Husband to love his wife…and it tells the wife to be submissive to her husband.
Personally I have grown up with a single mom who taught me to be independant and take care of business. But as I grow in my marriage I have had to revamp some of my actions and tendancies because they were not condusive to my marriage. (And if you think that you wont have to change ANY of yourself in a marriage then you’re not ready to make that committment).
I can admit that even for me the word “submissive” can trigger instant attitude but God has established the man as the head of the household and I have to accept that. Now hopefully, as the Bible also says, the husband is not a dictator but deals with his wife with love and wisdom. But I strive to be the Proverbs 31 woman…she was awesome!!!! She combined loyalty, ingenuity, leadership, responsibility, assertiveness and submissiveness to be the epitome of a woman. I’m trying to get there.
I just think that the circumstances that have forced us to be independant can also work against us when we need to be co-dependant.
“And if you think that you wont have to change ANY of yourself in a marriage then youre not ready to make that commitment.”
^^This comment bears repeating.
Anyway, the sister in the article obviously has some issues she is trying to work out. And she needs support to work those things out. However, supporting her (or someone in a similar situation) should never become validation of the behavior those issues give rise to. In that regard I can see where Marcus is coming from. The woman does not need to be torn down because she has some issues. But make no mistake: The behavior those issues produce ARE holding her back from a healthy relationship.
Also, let’s be careful with this whole “real man” thing. Women often use that term to represent the fantasy guy who will accept her EXACTLY that way she is, but at the same be willing to “adjust†who he is for her sake. Sorry, that guy doesn’t exist. Well, he does but you really dont want that kind of man. Men often use the “real man†term to represent a man (presumably himself) who has it all together and women need to step up their game if they want to be considered. That is misleading, also. It implies the man doesnt need to work on himself.
“Real” people are honest people. They are aware people. They are aware of their shortcomings and issues. They understand that ANY person they end up with will bring issues to the table. Real people are honest about those issues with their potential mate. Real people are actively working on their issues.
In the end people decide what they are willing to put up with. Most men are big on respect and loyalty with respect being number one. Let me say that again: Respect is number one. In the minds of most men an argumentative woman is a disrespectful woman. It just doesnt fly. I would take a woman who is a horrible cook over a woman who mouths off any day. And love doesnt change that. In fact, most men see a direct connection between love and respect. You dont love me if you dont respect me.
To the sister in the article I hope things come together for you. Take your time and work on yourself. In time things will get better.
@LaKeysha -good comment
@T. Rogers- meant to tell you yesterday welcome back to the comment section bruh
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@Lamar
Thanks Bro! The little ones have had a brother busy!
@ Raven,
Thanks!
@ LaKeysha, Marcus and T. Rogers…Hi 5! You hit the nail on the head.
I can understand the individuals pain that posted the question. Yes, there is a balance. Sometimes you will have to be aggressive and other times submissive.
1. Everyone does not deserve submission. Submission is earned not given. The definition of submission also needs to be discussed. Submission does not mean I say and you do and there is no discussion. Submission means that the selected leader makes the final decision after all options have been discuss. For example if a man come home and say bring me the paper now and you do not bring the paper that is not the definition of submission. An example of the definition of submission is that the final decision about moving to another is left up to the husband and he decided to move and you did not want to move, but you support him in the decision to move. Being submissive will allow his to have the final say so about the move and you support his decision. Personally I have been in a couple of relationship and my submission varied. One individual could not manage his own household , I was not going to trust him to manage mine and make all the final decision(no way) .So with this individual I was not submissive. The other individual I was very submissive, because he made sound decisions. I was able to trust him with making the final decisions and knowing that he made the best possible decision for us and not just him. When a man loose a job that is the real test. On how is he going to handle things? Will he be able to function or will he expect for you to do everything. Please do not mistake what I am saying for that you should not be there for him. Any woman would be there for man and help, but not carry. No man should expect for a woman to pay his bills under any distances .I understand if there is assistance needed with small things such as food, clothes, house hold things, mentally, and emotionally. Even if you decided to help him with this thing he should allow you to offer and not ask. If you guys are married that is different, because the bills belong to you as a whole (meaning the whole family) any leader should have a backup plan if things fail. His backup plan should not be you or any woman.
2. Please be glad that he asks the other lady and not you. Just by that short explanation you wrote I was able to see a lot of red flags. If you cannot make a decision about a woman how are you going to make a decision about more important items? For one he cannot make a decision. It does not take three years to find out who or what you like. I hate to say it but both of you were default women. Normally after about 6 months to a yr a man knows what he want. If you are the one a man can be dating 100 women at one time and will drop them all to be with you, if he was filling you or the other woman. I am all for casually dating to find that individual that you want to spend time with. Once again it does not take 3 yrs. He cannot manage his own finances. I understand things happen, but you should always have a plan B .It sounds like he did not have a plan B until the other girl paid his car note .What would happen if he lost his job while you guys were together? Does he have children? If so what kind of example is he showing for them? That is very important, and more importantly what is going to be the example to your children. The only good thing is that he was honest with you (most men are not).
3. Unfortunately we do not have his point of view so we can only assume what is meant by she always did what he said. No man actually want a woman that is weak minded, unless he is weak minded .Most men welcome a challenge because it keep them on their toes. Plenty of men have said that they want a women who have a strong mind and challenge him from time to time, he just do not want everything to be a challenge or to be reminded that a woman is independent every day. Did you argue about everything? Was there a particular subject that you argue? Did you guys argue in front of the kids? Did you not agree with him because he was not making sound decision nor did you just have to have the final say so? Was he making decision that was best for every one or just him? To be honest I do not think you have a problem with being submissive, my personal experience with the men who say I did not listen to them or I challenge what they did, I did that because they did not make sound decisions. I understand having to be the head of your house hold and making all the decisions for such a long time. It makes you a little hesitant to allow another person to have the lead. I was in the same situation just think that a man has not showed you that he is worth the submission.
4. There is a balance and you have to find it. When you are outside of your home that is the time to display your aggression. Places such as work, church, and other places outside the home. Your man will and has to understand that you are a force to be reckoned with, and most like it that way. Most men love to see the aggressive women outside of the home, but when she is inside the house to be able to tone it down. This is where the balance comes in to play. I understand that youre past have a lot to do with your present. I advise that you take some time out for you get someone to talk to (professionally) and then date again.
Hello family. I am the sister who asked “Why Her?” This topic was something I needed to discuss and your responses have been thought provoking and very helpful. I pray that God blesses your families with good health, spiritual growth and blessed finances. Please read below.
Harriet-I know “God” and love who I have become because of my trust and faith in him:-)
Karyn-I love the cake analogy. Really cute. Everything you suggested is the way I am currently living my life. Being single is not a bad thing. It gives me an opportunity to figure out who I am and what I like. Every now and then I do desire companionship and for some reason, he seemed to keep my attention. Once I started feeling like he was a manipulator, “Madea” came out.
KMH20s-I had therapy and attend church regularly. April 2000 is the year I started seeking “God” for help. Although he is the joy and strength of my life, I am still human and fall short sometimes. On another note, I do not to be DOMINANT over a man at all. Submitting to a man is the sexiest thing a woman can do in my opinion. He must be worthy first!
CS-Thanks for your response. I had counseling in the natural and the word of God continues to counsel me. Pray for me. I am still a work in progress.
MS MIKO-Thanks for your support of my feelings. I feel like you understand me. If you knew me, you’d know I am a wonderful person. Why should I change who I am just so I can say, “I’s Married Now!”
Kai Sanders-I love your response. The books you suggested I read must be added to my library.
Nessa-I love your comments and agree 100%
Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, “Where do I start?” I wish you knew me. I am not the bitter black woman that enjoys being combative or argumentive. My residence should be my sanctuary and I enjoy coming home to peace and love too. I am not the sister that feels like she doesn’t need a man eithter. I love men and desire to be in a healthy wholesome relationship. The brother that chose to propose to another sister may have been slightly intimidated by me. Of course I couldn’t post my entire life story on this comment bored. From the first day I met him, I exuded confidence and sass. I had been layed off from my job in advertising from The Chicago Tribune and was in school FT finishing up my accounting degree without a job. He told me he liked my swagger and the fact that I was a go getter and still able to maintain my bills without a job. We started dating and learning about each other. After a while, it seemed that he always wanted something for nothing. I took him lunch to his pt job 3x a week, pick his son up for football practice and drop him off. It started to seem like I was doing everything and was getting nothing in return. Everytime I griped about it he would say, “I’m too defiant and that men like women who do what their told and do not talk back. He also said I was too independent and it is going to be hard for a man to deal with me.” I thought men wanted a strong independent woman who is independent. Am I wrong? I’m not trying to be SUPERWOMAN. Please believe me. I am tired! The man I want and need will allow me to take the “S” off my chest and be the woman God created me to be. Please reply soon.
I’m almost embarassed…LOL…Almost…Here I am thinking I’m leaving my opinion. I had no idea the person to whom’s story I was lending my opinion to would actually post a reply. These days I’ve just been dissapointed with the relations between black men and women, especially when it comes down to deciding if that particular person is “wifey” or “hubby” material. My wife and I are seperated and my experiences sometimes can make me come off as being too frank or just plain blunt. However, I feel communication is important, and that theres nothing wrong with letting your future partner know before hand what expectations you want out of a health marriage/relationship. This applies to male and females. Otherwise you may be left feeling like the love is being sucked out of you, until you’re emotionally exhauseted from that individual. But to RE-iterate, don’t let your past experiences determine your future, and yes men want a strong woman that can steer but one that knows to let her man be the driver.
“but a man has no need for a woman who has no need for him.”