I’ve been noticing a terrible trend lately. While mostly on television, there seems to be an increase in the amount of wives who are openly, publicly, and unapologetically belittling their husbands. On Braxton Family Values, a reality show that follows Toni Braxton, her sisters and her mother, two of Toni’s sisters have been talking down on their husbands on a regular basis. Towanda is separated from her husband Andre, and constantly brings up the fact that he can’t get a “real job” or support their family. Tracy is still with her husband Gabe, but continues to bring up the fact that he cheated and doesn’t trust her. Let’s not forget when Mariah expressed on national television that she only trusts her husband “sometimes.” We need to stop publicly (and even privately) bashing our husbands!
My first point is “why.” What does bad mouthing your husband really accomplish? Whatever you’re complaining about may surely upset you, but do you think criticizing him, especially in a public forum, is going to change things? Do you honestly believe public humiliation is the route to go? If you’re so sick of him or the things he does or doesn’t do, why do you stay? I wonder this every time Towanda mentions Andre is not the primary breadwinner. It baffles me that Gabe and Trina don’t trust each other, yet they continue to stay married. If you can’t stand the person, then why do you stay?
Marriage is not easy, by any stretch of the imagination. If you remember your vows, you know there will be good and bad times. You’ll have amazing times and you’ll have trying times. The point is to get through your problems together. When you openly discuss your problems with your spouse, to family and friends and Lord forbid associates and strangers, you’re putting your relationship on thin ice. Men have pride, men have egos, and men are supposed to be the head of the household. When you strip him of these things, you get a broken man, which is not good for him or your marriage.
So what can you do? When you’re fed up and had enough, and you want to spew insults instead of compliments, what are the next steps?
First and foremost, you two need to talk. No interruptions, no additional input, no outside influences. The two of you need to sit down and discuss what the underlying issues are. Although these women discuss openly and repetitively what the issues are, they seldom mention how to handle it. Say how you feel, allow your husband to explain his perspective, and make sure each one of you knows what’s going on.
Next, try counseling. If you’re going to tell someone about your problems, tell a professional. Your mom, your friends, and your Twitter followers can only say so much. Find a licensed and or certified therapist, relationship coach, counselor or psychologist in your area who specializes in marriages. Don’t go expecting the professional to agree with everything you’re saying. You’re not looking for an enabler or a yes man. You’re looking for an assistant, someone to help the two of you find a place of peace in your relationship.
Then evaluate what the end goal is. Sometimes people continue to go in circles, fighting the same fight, when in reality the marriage has been done a long time ago. Although we don’t advocate divorce on BMWK, we most certainly understand that not every marriage is the right marriage. People grow apart, people make mistakes, and some people just aren’t right for each other. Be honest with yourselves. Staying in a marriage long after it’s over helps no one, including children if that’s the reason you’re really staying. Constant bickering and belittling is not making anyone feel better, including you.
Finally, let’s go back to what our mothers taught us when we were young. If you don’t have anything nice to say, please don’t say it at all. Negative energy in any form is not healthy, for the person you’re saying it to, the person you’re talking about, or for yourself. Think about the positive things your husband brings to the table. Please don’t write it off as “he doesn’t do anything good.” Even if you have to think back to the very beginning, he has done some good things, or else you wouldn’t be married today. Have you seen Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married? Make that list, weighing the pros and cons about your man. I’m sure you’ll remember he has some great traits.
I plead to all the wives who have a gripe against their husband, handle it privately. It’s discouraging for the singles out there, it’s embarrassing to your husband, and it doesn’t make you look like a saint either. In 2012, try to communicate with your husband more and tackle the issues that have been bothering you the most. Let him be the man you want him to be and that he can be!
TO ME this falls on deaf ears. Now by no means should this be repeated by men or women but in the topic of women this lack of respect came with the independent stage to the point where the glorification of a woman’s independence from men became popular. Any real man will tell you they have no problem with their woman being successful and proud of it. At the same time these men will tell you that as a man throwing it up in a dudes face will get you replaced, which is something else women will complain about. Black men got it hard enough with trying to be respected in the corporate world that being respected in his home should be a mute issue. That respect has to be reciprocated by both parties in order for the marriage to survive. This is a topic that frequently comes up on threads that i frequent (this and marriage) and it always seems like it can never be resolved when in fact its all in a mindset. Let this not be popular any more and it will slowly dissipate out of existence.
This goes both ways. I’ve also heard a lot men belittle women publicly. Just listen to some of this rap music. However, the article addresses women, and I’ll stay on topic.
Increasingly, black women are being depicted as loud and brutish on TV and other media. Many sisters have seen these depictions and adopted that image because they think it represents strength and independence. Just to mention a few examples: Tamar and Trina Braxton, NeNe when she was on Apprentice, and Angela of For Better or Worse.
As I was channel surfing the other night, I saw a scene from Tyler Perry’s For Better or Worse. Angela and Marcus were sitting at the dinner table. She felt like he had been cheating and just went on a verbal rampage. While she did this, Marcus sat silently. She started to poke him in the temple and smack him on the head. Then she grabs a frying pan to hit him, but he took it away from her, and she walked away.
This demonstrates an extreme lack of communication and conflict resolution skills and encourages domestic violence. Sisters please don’t try this at home. Marcus didn’t retaliate with violence, but he could have. Personally, I believe that most men would and do. That’s no exaggeration! My home state of Alabama is the second state in the nation for women being killed by men. Most of these women had been in a romantic relationship with their killer at some point. The practice of being discreet and quiet at the right time could actually save a person’s life and/or the life of the relationship.
Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything (Pro 13:3).
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Pro 15:1).
Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble (Pro 21:23).A beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout (Pro 11:22).
I think for many women, especially black women, being independent is a badge of honor. But the problem is that being independent probably isn’t conducive to being successful in a relationship. I think instead being interdependent is conducive to being successful in a relationship. And by interdependent I mean the willingness for both people to partner to create a mutually beneficial experience. This is not codependence as each person has a their own healthy identity and there are clear boundaries. I think people unfortunately don’t understand this option or are unwilling to take the risk to explore interdependence because they have had negative experiences in prior relationships so they double down on protecting themselves by opting for independence which logically makes sense but unfortunately can lead to missed opportunities.
I think you meant trina and Gabe
I caught that too, I’m guessing she was typing fast and needed to get that off her chest lol. Wonderful article.
She meant Tamar. Tamar is an excellent example of what she’s talking about
This is ridiculous and somewhat insulting. There are two people in a relationship and one person should not have to be treated with kid gloves. I am so tired of women making excuses for grown men. I don’t condone belittling anyone let alone a husband, however, there are generations of women who have suffered at the hands of lying, cheating, disrepectful, selfish men and endured it in silence! There is nothing wrong with sharing and confiding in confidants things that trouble you. Often times you just need someone to listen. If your spouse is mistreating you, shouldn’t the focus be on this behavior and not on the person that’s trying to cope and deal with the situation? Yes, men have egos, and they are the “head of the family” so they should behave as such and ensure that they are deserving of this title. The advice given in this article is borderline emotional abuse! This constant portrayal of the black woman as the enemy is getting old. This surface analysis is the reason why this stereotype keeps getting perpetuated! I have much love and admiration for the black men who are living their vows, respectful of their wives, and supportive of their families. However, let’s not waste any more time concerning ourselves with the fragile egos of those who don’t and allow the women who unfortunately find themselves with these men handle the situation the best way that they can! They need a voice and our support.
If I may revive this three year old blog? I. must jump in here.
The previous poster Tmh, you said it just right. I agree. So why people, are we as a society, always telling females to do all thr relationship work and kiss up behind the male?? What is wrong with the world? Why are people always, writing articles where we scold women about something. we should not be exalting and worshipping men? There is one God in Heaven. Men on the earth are human just like women. Just because God gave them the role as leader in a marriage, doesn’t mean kiss his behind and put him on a throne. We have got to stop this nonsense.
To the writer of the article, Briana, I as a woman am so disappointed !! I am appalled. I had some friends to read this article and I have to tell you that theywerejust as shocked and angry at the message here.
My message to females( girls and women) of the world. Do not worship and exalt any male. Males owe females the same good treatment and respect that they want us to give to them. A male human is not to be worshipped and shouldnot even have such an ego. They should not have all that pride either. Because pride will cause him to fall, big time.
Females stop giving your body so freely to the males you date. Stop givng these males oral sex. Stop treating him as if he is better than you. Love yourself first. Open your eyes and see what is going on in this world.
She isn’t saying that: she is saying if you make a choice to be in a relationship with a specific man then you should simply treat him with respect. Why wouldn’t you want to treat the person you chose as a “King” (and of course you should be treated like a “Queen!” too). A relationship should not be a “battlefield” but a partnership in which two people work together, in spite of their flaws, to love and protect each other. Does this sound like such a terrible concept? Why do some people – men and women- have a problem with the notion of being loving and kind to their partners? Do you think you are losing a part of yourself by doing so? Do you think you are less of a person? Do you feel like a “slave”by showing love and affection toward someone you willingly decided to be in a relationship ship with? Why would someone want to be antagonistic with the very person who is closest to them? Please explain.
I was in a relationship (not marriage) with an Ivy League educated black woman (I am black too) and she regularly used me as a punching bag. Nothing I did was good enough. She found flaw after flaw after flaw. Maybe it was her analytical side: in the relationship she would speak to me any way she wanted regardless who was present. She made fun of me in front of her coworkers and then told me about it. Imagine if I had done the same and then told her about it: she would have had a fit. There was this disdain she demonstrated regularly and she had a horrible temper. I felt I had to walk on egg shells around her. She told me several times “good luck if you want to be a stay at home wife when married to a black man!” But I realized that she was just unhappy. I am a calm person and I am happy and because of my calmness, I must have appeared to be an easy target to her. I finally broke up with her for the last and final time after 10 years of an on again off again relationship. I do love her but I love myself even more and refuse to allow someone to treat me like a piece of garbage. Relationships are supposed to be peaceful, loving and safe. Although there are differences at times, two mature adults should be able to handle them in a mutually respectful manner. If someone tells you (as she told me more than once) “I’m who I am and I don’t need to be in a relationship so take me as I am or good bye….” then just say “good bye” because that person is basically telling you they are unwilling to be an equal partner but I instead want the upper hand so that they can dominate you to get what they want. Don’t waste one minute with someone who isn’t willing or able to work with you or with someone who loads up information in their “back pocket” to use as amunition to attack you when there is a squabble or disagreement. Just say “good bye!”