Flava Flav said it best: “Don’t believe the hype.”
What started out as a simple statement ended up in a huge group conversation over some wings and potato salad at a housewarming party.
Debra (we’ll call her), a 27-year-old Christian woman, commented to me that her sister recommended she start online dating. This wasn’t news to her because I told Debra she should start doing that when she was 25. But she wasn’t havin’ it then. But now that my sentiments were echoed by her sister…two manless years later…I wondered if she had softened to the notion.
Nope. She still wasn’t havin’ it.
That’s when I told her about a client of mine who is killing it on Tinder. Yes, Tinder (the swipe left, swipe right website)!
And when I mentioned Tinder…Debra and the room full of chicken wing-eatin’ saints were like, “Tinder??? Nawwww, man!!!” I felt like Dumb Donald on Fat Albert when he would say something stupid and Rudy would respond with, “Awww man…you got no class!”
Disclosure: I am not being paid by Tinder or any on-ine dating industry affiliate. All my views and opinions are from my personal experience as a relationship consultant for 16 years.
Eager to validate my assertion, I introduced exhibit A, TeNoiree’ (pronounced Ta-nor-ree). She’s a Christian woman in her early 30s. She was in a long-distance relationship for three years that didn’t work out. She was having a hard time getting traction on the ground from dudes in the area. So I recommended online dating.
Like Debra, she rebuffed the notion for several years. But after many man-less years, she gave eHarmony, Match and Christian Mingle a try. I wrote her bio and recommended the profile picture to get dudes’ attention without misrepresenting her values. I even pick some dudes that I thought had potential.
No luck. She only had two dates between the three sites over six whole months. They either lived too far or she wasn’t attracted to them. But mostly, the pickings of available black men on these sites were super slim.
She ultimately got discouraged and inactivated all her accounts.
Then, TeNoiree’s friend suggested she get on Tinder. She was like, “Naw brugh! That’s just for hooking up.” But then, her friend said the key reason why I think Christian women should give it a try:
“That’s where the men are.”
Pause: Now…I know you’re shaking your head like, ‘So what…I’m still not gonna do it’. But just think about this. The most common places that interested men often approach women also have a stigma for men just looking for hook-ups. A bar? A lounge? The club? The gym? And don’t you dare say the church. We are some of the biggest freaks out of this bunch (the stories I can tell…whew!). But that’s not always the case, right?
Back to the story: So TeNoiree, reluctantly, created a Tinder account. A week later, she went out for coffee with some dude (Dude-A) that met a lot of her criteria. He was cute (she says). He made her laugh (which is important to her). But he was a little too pushy for the panties. That was a turnoff. But overall, he was a nice dude.
Later that week, she met another dude (Dude-B) for drinks after work. He was blown away by her. They had a lot of interests in common. And he wasn’t pushy at all. She thought he was nice and funny with a stable career. He even did what gentlemen should do…he asked to see her again while on that date. TeNoiree was like, ‘Shoot…ain’t nobody else asking.’ “Sure” she replied.
The next week, she met another dude (Dude-C) for dinner after work. Same thing happened…he was nice, funny and attractive with similar interests. He wasn’t pushy at all. Very respectful. And he also asked her out for a second date while still on the first date.
That weekend, she was invited to watch the football game with Dude-B and Dude-C. She was feeling Dude-C a little more, but she already said yes to Dude-B first. The following week, she met another dude (Dude-D) for cocktails after work. Again, nice, funny, attractive, respectful, etc.
By month’s end, TeNoiree met FOUR qualified attractive men. She had four 1st dates, three 2nd dates and one 3rd date. Out of the four, there are two potential baes who meet her criteria and who expressed serious interest in her. She’s killing it!
But now, it’s starting to be too much for her…juggling all these men. This is not who she is. So she inactivated her Tinder account to dwindle down her options to at least two men to pick from (I’m pulling for Dude-C). Meanwhile, Mr. pushy-panties has been kicked to the curb.
So that’s 1 out of 4 men on Tinder who’s only trying to hook-up.
This case study of TeNoiree’s Tinder history doesn’t guarantee your history will be the same. But the moral of this story is, go where the men are online. And don’t believe the hype about what you heard about dudes on Tinder. Some of them aren’t looking to just hook-up. Some of them (like Dude-C) are looking for serious relationships. And even if they are just looking to hook-up, treat them like those dudes you already meet at the bar, lounge, club, gym and at church?
BMWK — Do you think it’s appropriate and acceptable for Christian women to get on Tinder to find a man?
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