By Harriet Hairston
Dr. Deborah Tannen wrote a book about the conversational style differences between men and women that really opened my eyes up to help me understand my husband better (as opposed to getting lost in translation so often). Although her book discussed many generalities, she broke those general assumptions down into more specific bite sized pieces.
For example, it is well known that men tend to be linear thinkers. They think from A to B…the quickest route between two points is a straight line, and that’s exactly how they generally think. Men tend to be more logical than emotional in their conversations. Women, on the other hand, tend to be circular thinkers…there is no beginning or end point. Conversation is a part of a large scheme of things, and it tends to center around emotions rather than logic. This is the concept many pre-marital counselors hang their hats upon.
To him, talk is information. So when he is interrupted by his wife, it must be to inform him of something he needs to know. To her, talk is interaction. Telling things is a way to show interest and caring.
But what happens when those general little factoids aren’t enough and a husband and wife mean well, but continue to cross signals? Dr. Tannen broke down some of those types of situations:
1. Couple A is engaged in hot disagreement. Wife A thinks Husband A is insensitive and cruel because when she talks about problems she’s having or challenges she faces, Husband A never empathizes.
Tannen states this is not because of the message Wife A is sending, but what she called the “metamessage”…the lines between the words that Wife A assumes Husband A knows. Generally, a woman’s metamessage is intimacy. She is concerned with minimizing differences, reaching consensus and avoiding superiority. However, a man’s metamessage is indpendence. He is more concerned with establishing status and being able to solve problems and/or give orders.
Tannen stated, “A woman’s message is, ‘We’re the same; you’re not alone.’ A man’s message is, ‘We’re not the same. You have the problems, I have the solutions.'”
So Husband A, frustrated that Wife A never takes his advice, does not respond at all to Wife A’s expression of concern and frustration. He thinks she is a glutton for punishment because she never follows his advice; she thinks he is insensitive and always trying to lecture her. They are both operating out of their natural bent, but instead of Husband A trying to communicate in Wife A’s language, he frustrates her because he’s speaking his own language in his response to her. Instead of Wife A appreciating the fact that Husband A is willing to solve the problem, she mislabels him as insensitive because he is not empathizing with her.
Ever been there before in your marriage?
2. Couple B finds themselves going through the same cycle over and over again. Husband B tells Wife B about a challenge he encountered at work. Wife B gives Husband B an anecdote about how she went through something similar. This causes a huge argument. Why?
Well, for one specific reason: men tend to want their problems to be their problems, and when someone attempts to empathize with them, it strikes at their independence and makes them think the empathizing person (more than likely a woman) is attempting to belittle or emasculate them. So of course Husband B is going to get upset!
Wife B, on the other hand, likes to match troubles so Husband B doesn’t feel all alone in his struggle. She is hurt that his response is so harsh and doesn’t understand why he ever tells her anything because he often responds harshly when she is only trying to help.
Tannen stated, “If women are often frustrated because men do not respond to their troubles by offering matching troubles, men are often frustrated because women do.”
I’m raising both my hands and feet on this one! I’ve been there more times than I can count, and for the first time, Mr. Incredible’s negative response actually makes sense! Before reading this book, I just chalked his response up to temporary insanity and kept my mouth SHUT when listening to him vent about his day.
Without knowing it, couples become lost in translation…the wife thinks the husband is mean and insensitive, and the husband thinks the wife is just plain CRAZY. LOL But understanding these differences in conversational and communication styles between men and women can resolve a lot of frustration in marriage and relationships in general.
The worst mistake a husband or wife could make is judging what they hear from their spouse by the standard of their conversational style. Understanding the other person’s conversational style will reduce the mystery of male/female communication and open doors to more understanding and harmony.
BMWK, have you ever encountered situations with your spouse like the examples given above? How does knowing these subtle differences help you relate to your spouse better?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Wow – this is so on point! You all might have just saved some relationships with this one!
Shocking hit the nail on the head more than you could have ever believed. I might just become a better husband now….LOL
I’m sitting here going DANG and shaking my head, lol. Bulls-eye. We need this book. We’ve already read 5 love languages but this here book will definitely bring the point back around again. We’re still working on it but at hubby’s job they gave a “working life” seminar that discussed the same thing Mr Mister looked chagrined because the speaker re-iterated what I told him about how I felt when I communicated a problem with him.
Is this book called “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation”…thanks
May I also suggest the book, “Men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti” (or something like that). Talks about the “compartmental’ thinking of men (waffles) versus the “continual” thinking of women (spaghetti). THAT was a eye opener for me. Think I’ll read it again. 🙂
wow! definitely an eye-opener! thank you!
oh my goodness if this doesn’t hit the nail on the head…as I am reading this I am just nodding my head this book is a definite read and I really enjoy the examples and breakdown. Thank you so much Harriet for sharing this and I will definitely pass this on to my hunnie!
Please read For Women Only & For Men Only by Jeff & Shaunti Feldhahn.
My bride and I worked through that book and a workbook based on it. It was very helpful.
Yes, that’s the exact book. It really opened my eyes up to a few things!
I’ve read both of those books, and they were definitely eye openers. The thing I like about the books I’ve been digging into lately is the exercises and practical examples offered in them. I’m all for information, but after that, I need some help applying that information to my life is some meaningful, long term way.
I’m going to have to check that book out…who’s the author?
This was a great article and very true..I find that my hubby wants me to vent about stuff but when I do, he often asks me questions that have nothing to do with what I’m venting about and I get mad.
Example: We are having a hard time having kids..mybest friend is pregnant for the 2nd time in two years. So I’m talking to him about how its suxs and blah blah..than I say its just soo fustrating…And he says “Well what are you gonna do about it?” And its kinda like..what do you mean? So I say something he always says to me – I say “we’ll we’re gonna plan our work and work our plan right? And he goes “Doy ou have a problem with that?” Which makes me reply “Did I say I have a problem with it..?”
And Its like..I’m not talking about us and our plan for the next 6 months, I didn’t mention it at all, all I said was its soo fustrating, that I always have to be the bigger person and push through things that are rough for me to take care of someone elses feelings..BUT I don’t even get there becasue apparently I have to re-assure him about us. (I guess)
I mean how about saying “I know babe that suxs, but we’ll get there..your right we’re working out plan and planning our work..hahaha I’m glad you remembered our little phrase..
That is so me and my fiance, around and around. If i ask him, ” babe, you okay? ” Just wondering how he is doing. He says ” why wouldnt i be okay, are YOU okay?” Im like Dang, just checkin on you. Its so hard to understand. I need this book, getting it today!
Girl, your fiance and my husband MUST be related!! Mine does me the same way.
Me: Are you okay?
Him: Yeah, Are YOU okay?
But what he really means is….I’m fine, what’s wrong with you?
Too funny!! (not at the time) but it is funny to see I am not the only one with a crazy husband!
All couples could benefit from this book. It took me a while, early in marriage, to learn that my husband and I had different ways of communicating. One of the things I noticed is that he just needed the meat and potatoes of whatever I was saying, the bottom line. Once we got past that, our communication began to improve. Great article.
I’m so happy I came across this site. My husband and I are marriage mentors at our church. This site will help us help them.I also see it help us in our marriage. I just experience this situation with my spouse last night. I felt as though he was being insensitive to me after showing concerning about him starting to train for a 10 miler next month. He said, I don’t see you out there doing anything, I got this (I”m overweight) and it hurt my feelings. Why is it when I say something to him about whatever the issue may be he comes back with something I’m not doing or I haven’t done. I just don’t get this. So, now that we know male and females communicate differently what are the steps to communicating better. Do we try our best to communicate in our spouses language? Thank you for what you are doing for marriages. I’m going to get the books.
@Michellherman66,
that is funny that you mention that exchange with your hubby. I notice that when my husband and I are not on the best of terms during a conversation, he gets defensive and combative/competitive.
It’s truly annoying and I think it really hampers our ability to resolve whatever issue we’re having. So I’ve just learned to be POINT BLANK clear with him when I’m upset. Not yelling/screaming, mind you. But flat-out to the point with no sugar-coating and beating around the bush. I’m not rude but when he sees that I’m really articulating a crucial point, he usually comes back around and we can resolve our issue.
Not sure what the concern you expressed was but if, for example, it had something to do with the amount of time it was taking away from your relationship you could say something like “Yeah, you might be right about me ‘not doing anything’ but my #1 priority is us! so to make sure we BOTH get what we want/need, I’m going to train with you! will you help me? or at least join me for happy hour after you train?”
Wow you’re good! Lol and I say this as a man.