by Harriet Hairston
The 80/20 rule in marriages is something that we all know about: at any given time in a marriage, 80% of an individuals wants and/or needs are met, but 20% of them are either neglected or fall short. The problem arises when a spouse begins to actively seek out fulfillment of the 20% in the arms of another person.
Knowing about that rule in general will help keep healthy boundaries around a marriage. What I would like to address is whether or not you have communicated to your spouse what your individual “20%” is. Do they know what secret desires and longings entail the 20% of of your wants/needs? Do YOU even know?
For example, I’m a conversationalist. I’m inquisitive and love asking questions about both general and specific topics. My husband, on the other hand, is the strong, silent ty;e. He hates it when I ask him question after question. My attempts to get to know him better through what he deems interrogation are not received very well (maybe I should try water-boarding or something. LOL). Try as he might, he just doesn’t enjoy talking for hours on end. He’d much rather play ball, wrestle with our son, go bowling or watch a comedy show. That’s part of who he is.
So I find fulfillment of that 20% in things like writing for BMWK (woo-hoo!!!) or reading a book, or even creating characters for my first attempt at a novel. If I attempt to meet that need with another man just so I can hear conversation from someone with a deep voice and deep convictions, trouble is bound to follow. Emotional adultery could potentially ensue, and that’s a risk I’m not willing to take.
Ask your spouse what his or her “20%” is. Then ask yourself what yours is. If we blind ourselves to the minute areas we don’t feel fulfilled in, we invite Mr. Slickmouth or Ms. Bigbooty to present us with temptations that will catch us off guard. Hopefully you meant your vows when you said you would forsake all others, but never forget that the 80% you have at home deserves more than a selfish attempt to fulfill 20%.
After all, the grass may very well be greener on the other side…but more than likely, it’s really astroturf. I’ll take the real over the fake any day.
So, BMWK, what is YOUR 20% and how do you prevent yourself from running after it and forsaking the wonderful 80% you’ve been blessed with?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Another great offering from BMWK! A great point that not only do YOU need to know what your 20% is, but your spouse does, as well.
I don’t know that my husband and I have fully discussed this, mostly because we don’t fully know what our 20% is yet. I think we’re still learning about ourselves {both individually and within our marriage}.
So as we mature both in age {we’re 25} and marriage {it’s only been 1 and 1/2 years so far} and that 20% becomes more apparent, I feel confident that we’ll be able to discuss it with each other and find some kind of peace in knowing that our partner is aware of it and, you know…cares. Even if they aren’t necessarily meeting the needs within it.
{Hope that made sense.}
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Marriagosophies – from the pages of Redbook and the mind of me. 🙂 =-.
Very well written. I stumbled upon this site a few days ago and I am really intrigued with the topics of conversations that are raised and addressed.
Anyway my 20% is sharing a deeper connection/appreciation for God and being more family oriented. Luckily these are 2 things that most people strive for on their own so I think if I am patient he will come into this on his own.
Thanks for this post Harriet. I think you are right…a lot of poeple don’t even know what their 20% is and therefore they can’t communicate it to their spouse. Keeping the lines of communication open is key.
I really like the way that you are able to compromise… you recognize the fact that your husband does not like to talk a lot and you found other outlets (instead of trying to change him completely.)
I always thought that the 80/20 rule was where 20% of your activity generated 80% of your profit. The way I have used this in my marriage is identifying what are the things that my bride needs, however small to me, that have the biggest positive impact. One of my wife’s biggest needs is rest. When she is well rested she is better able to handle the tasks in front of her. I could do several of the things on her list but she would still feel overwhelmed because she is tired. However by letting her sleep in or get a nap during the day she is able to handle it better. Identifying the 20% of your spouse is critical to meeting their needs.
.-= Carlton´s last blog ..God’s Man | Job 29 | The Blessed Home =-.
@ Carlton,
I didn’t write this article based on the Pareto business principle of 80/20, but I think I will write one to that extent in the future! That gives another 20% in a different light, and I would venture to say that Pareto’s 20% is even more imperative than the 20% we discussed here today! Great points!
@ Ronnie,
If I’ve learned nothing else in my marriage, it’s that I cannot change anyone’s behavior. Just because we don’t have something in common does not make it a show stopper. That’s where all these foolish “irreconcilable differences” divorces come from. I don’t settle, but I do compromise, and so does my husband. Thanks for the feedback!
@ Ms Fraz,
First and foremost, welcome to BMWK! I’m sure you will find that there’s a little something for everyone, regardless of race, gender, parental status or marital status. I’ve learned so much since I’ve been regularly visiting the site! Take time out to go to the BMWK store and check out the two documentaries that were created just for the purposes of celebrating marriages (in general); specifically black marriages! They are real eye openers.
Thanks for your feedback on this topic! Patience is definitely a virtue when it comes to issues like what you discussed, but I also agree with Ronnie. Communication is a must. Sometimes we assume something will happen, because in our minds, it’s just the right thing. But our spouse may not necessarily see it that way, and we become disenchanted and disappointed in them. That’s not fair to them; it’s completely out of their control because they cannot read our minds. I’ve learned in 5 years of marriage that some things just won’t “happen” unless I open my mouth and express my needs calmly and clearly.
@ JeLisa,
It is ALWAYS a pleasure to hear from you! And what you said made TOTAL sense!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Take Off The Mask! =-.
Harriet,
This post really made me stop and think. It actually took me a minute to think of what my 20% was. It has to be going out and not necessarily going out and spending tons of money, but just being out, especially in the warmer months. My husband is more of a homebody, whereas I like to be out doing something. But the fact that I couldn’t think of that right away confirmed for me that I am accpeting who my husband is and not pushing him in that area. I think it works for us, because I have a mom and sisters who like to be out as much as I do, so I do have them to do that with. While he is perfectly okay with my being out (not sure of how much of good thing that is 😉 ). But now I’m curious about what his 20% is. Thanks Harriet!
My husband wrote a post about this about a week or 2 ago. I’m glad to see a woman’s point of view on this. Thanks for sharing this article!
Here’s the link to the post the hubs wrote:
https://www.theleoduo.com/2010/03/what-is-8020-rule-you-say.html
You know…when I first heard of this rule, I literally was like, “Yes, that’s true”. But when I thought about that 20 that he or I may fall short in…I realized that , that is what keeps us balanced…our areas of improvement! We are constantly checking in with one anothers needs and desires, and with that information, we change the lack…and so for us…that 80/20 is not such a bad number because it’s that rule that gets us to that 100!
Being married is a learning, and teaching process every now, and then a thumbing block is going to enter into you’ll path…it testing you’ll faith,and strenght, of your devoted love to each other.80% of your marriage,is a alarm,ticking in your head it’s a wake up call to commitment… husband, wife,and children’s,to provide,to protect,and love…husband and wife,give yourself some quality time together,show each other love and appreciation by simply ,keep the flame burning…focus on the children’s and they surrounding,have a family night,cook some popcorn,rent a movies,or just sat around and listening,they have a voice also…10% is taking off time for self,call it your day out,or your private time,to enjoy,treat yourself out to a spa,or just relax and do nothing… the other 10% is the husband time out, away from everybody to clear the cob-web out of his head,or just relax and do nothing.
I am married, and I know I get less the 20% of my marriage but I’m given all. My husband isn’t a bad guy or a slacking guy, he just doesn’t understand what a husband really is since I am wife # 4. Since we gotten married, all of a sudden he stop being my husband and took up with his daughter’s mother even though she is also married as well. where is my 20% of this marrriage. He proves for her house whole but denies our house whole. I’m the one who pays for everything to run our home, while he is sharing a phone plan with her and paying her bills, he makes excuses for or rude to me. I wanted to save my marriage but it’s not worth staying in this relationship, when she calls he jumps, but looks at me as if I’m suppose to just sit and wait without saying anything about the issue. No It’s not working. please tell me something. wanna stay, but when he speaks to me he’s always negative, hurting my feelings while still telling me he loves me.. This is not love, this is not healthy for me. only married for 18 months. loooking for advice.
@Rose
what you is searching for or need advice about is within yourself,pray on it,and ask yourself, is your marriage worst fighting for,is this the men i want to live my entire life with,is he my soul-mate,do i really love him? if you have all of this for your husband and more,tell him how you feel about what going on in your marriage,openen up the gap of communication ,before you make any decision,,when you do,make sure that is what you want.but again ,there is 2 sides to any stories,give him time to speak up,and then follow your heart…
Hello! I’m new to this site and marriage and is been pretty rocky in the beginning. We are going to counselling and my counsellor happened to be down in DC and found a newspaper article about a the “You saved me” premiere! I’m really looking to connect to other black couples and such..
I particularly wanted to comment on this article, because it makes a lot of sense. I think I may not be totally aware of what my 20% and I was in danger of looking for it elsewhere..I’m trying to better communicate my needs and just communicate in general. Thank you for this website and any links, comments or suggestions would be awesome..
oh yeah and I’m in Boston, MA
Welcome Tiffany! posting to this question was truly my first response on this site and I must say, It stirred the Pot!!! It got us all thinking about our marriages and our own personal needs! I am so happy that you joined and happy that ALL of us joined this site (Thank God for the creators of the site) because it is a true testament to “knowing is half the battle” the other half is “doing what you know.” We have to learn how to communicate our needs to each other and do it in a way that is positive instead of insulting. Just this morning, my husband brought up an discussion that I had with him (problem #1, we should’ve had a two-way discussion not just me having a discussion with him) a couple of days ago that must have “gotten under his skin.” I was floored because he had thought out what he would say to me because he was in his feelings. I didn’t understand but I listened! Because apparently it was eating him up! I listened to his hurt feelings and I realized that our communication needs a “Team” of it’s own! And we have decided to work at it so that we are truly Powerful Unit!
God Bless You and Your Family….I know that God is Pleased with You All’s Efforts! Keep Working With Each Other!
i’m not surprised no one tackled this one… you shoulda dropped that first question.
that’s way to personal and incriminating.
nice try tho
Actually, there were about 10 comments in here before the site upgraded. But if you’d like, you can answer the question. If not, be blessed and spread the word. I’m sure you know some people who would love to discuss this.