I asked, “If she’s the help-mate, then isn’t she supposed to follow my lead?”
My Pastor responded, “As the leader, you’re supposed to take the lead in showing her how to be a servant by serving her.” Stunned! Mouth open! I never looked at being the head of the house that way.
See, 17 years ago, we were three months from our wedding. And we were having some conflict about roles and responsibilities, relationship boundaries, respect, communication…you know…regular relationship stuff. But what I eventually learned was I was responsible for setting the example for how we would interact with each other. However I treated her, good or bad, she would ultimately follow that example. Which meant, whatever example I set for how I helped her, would be the example she followed for how to be a helpmate to me.
See, I had it all wrong. I was on some ole ‘Imma do me…and she will adapt’ mack-game. And base on my relationship consulting experience, I believe a lot of married men also got it wrong. But our Christian duty, and our wives require more from us. We must help her, to give her an example of how she can be a better helpmate to us. So, here are 15 ways you can help her. Don’t try to do them all. Just pick two and start there.
Things to Do for Her More
1. Validate Her More. “Honey, you look pretty in that.” “Baby, you’re doing a great job with the kids.” Let her know when she’s doing a good job. Positive affirmation is always an emotional boost. Also, if she’s more emotional than you, stop telling her to ‘suck it up’. If she’s a ‘feeler’, let her be that.
2. Listen More. Don’t just hear her words…hear her heart. Practice listening to her feelings without offering a resolution. It’s okay to say nothing…and just give her a hug.
3. Communicate More. Men tend to quietly mull over her thoughts to themselves. That’s cool. But when you finish, open up your mouth and share what’s on your mind. Communicate your vision, goals, and plans to her so she can help you make better decisions. And follow-up with her to let her know how everything is going. This will give her comfort because she knows you are on-top of things.
4. Come to Her Rescue More. It always feels good to her if you show that you’re her advocate and that you got her back. Be supportive of their wants, needs, desires, pursuits, goals, and plans. She’ll feel even more secure if she felt protected physically and emotionally, especially from your mother or your baby’s mama.
5. Schedule Alone Time More. Schedule some time were you can focus just on each other. This is the #1 way the make your relationship breakup-proof.
6. Some More Foreplay…Please. Be willing to give some foreplay. Don’t just go for the gusto. And don’t forget about the pre-game foreplay that starts in the morning, lasts throughout the day, which sets up the foreplay that will commence later that night.
7. Do the Little Things More. The little things are important: love notes, hand written cards, unexpected hugs and kisses, flowers, etc. These can serve as pre-game foreplay if you time it right.
8. Be Chivalrous More. Open the door for her. Pull out her chair. Etc… When walking in public, old-school dudes use to make sure their women walked on the inside of the sidewalk closest to the building while they walked on the outside closest to the street. This was a sign of protection. Add that to your repertoire.
Things to Do for Yourself More
9. Plan More. Have a plan and vision for your family. You asked her to be your wife, so it’s your responsibility to come up with a plan for the goals you want your family to accomplish. It’s okay to modify them based on her feedback. But it’s your responsibility to come up with a plan for y’all to discuss.
10. Take the Initiative More. Be first to come up with a plan, or start the conversation. Don’t always wait for her to initiate things. That gets old real quick.
11. Be Consistent More. Inconsistency in your words and actions provides no stability or security for your wife. Do what you say. Stick-to what you commit to do. And stop lying and saying you’ll do something when you know good-and-well, you’re not going to do it.
12. Be Reliable More. Proverbs says reliance on an unfaithful man is like a bad tooth and a lame foot. Translation: you cause constant pain and she can’t put any weight on you. Don’t be that dude.
Things to Do at Home More
13. Help-out Around the House More…Without Being Asked. If you see something that needs to be done, be like Nike and just do it. Also, don’t point out that you did it. That’s so petty and irritating.
14. Help-out with the Kids More. Take one or two things she does with the kids and take them on as your responsibility. This will help her out tremendously.
15. Cook More. I wanted to leave this off because I’m guilty of this. I know my wife would love it if I gave her the night off and cooked for her for a change. I’m putting it on my to-do list.
BMWK — Which one or two do you need to focus on? #1 and #15 for me.
Excellent article. I realized that when my partner treats me kindly it brings out the best in me.
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Great article. I sent it to my husband after I skimmed over it. He read it all and began implementing things that same day. Thank you so much.
I love this articles,I need to start communicating with my wife better.
I would say 7 & 11 are my lowest points but you are right, its essential to do them all to really show your Wife you care. Great list!!!
Wow. That’s great. Thanks for sharing.
Wow. Thanks for sharing. Hope it helps some.
Thanks Lawrence. Hope it helps.
am much as am jumping of joy in seeing this because finally someone gets it, i wanna do the same for my husband, so can you make a list on how can we help them too?
Chica, I’ll work on it. Please like my FB so I can update you when I post new articles. https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust
Another article for a man to serve his woman and not the other way. A man and woman should serve each other. If the woman is a help mate, why do I need to learn how to help her more? Don’t get me wrong, I do my part in a relationship but this article sounds like the man is the helpmate and not the leader.
Andrew. I’m glad to hear that you do your part. I’m confused though when you say, “why do I need to learn how to help her more”. These 15 things I mentioned are all the things a leader does at some time or another. The first 8 are simply husbandry things a man should do for his wife: communicate better, be attentive, be her protector, be chivalrous, etc. Numbers 9-12 are specifically leadership functions: create a vision, planning, building trust. I’m basically saying, to help her more…be a better leader. Number 13&15 are just two things you can do to help out around the house: cooking and cleaning. And 14 is helping take care of the kids.
Yes your wife is the helpmate, but she’s helping you. Meaning…you’re responsible for doing them, and she’s going to help you do it. How she helps you…or what you agree that she will do is up to you and her. But as the leader, you are responsible for making sure all of it get done. So to answer your question, “why do you have to learn how to help her more”, because as the leader, you’re actually helping her help you. And the easier you make her job helping you, the better helper she can be to you. And, the better outcome you will have at whatever you do as a family.
Will a man feel intimidated or less of a man if you give him this article to read? Is there a respectful way to share it with him?
A man shouldn’t feel intimidated. He might feel challenged, or even insulted. But not intimidated. A good way to share this without intimidating or insulting him is to identify one (two if they apply) items he’s doing good at and just one item you want him to improve. Send him a short friendly non-threatening email that says something to the effect, “You score a 9 out of 10 for #4 and #6. But a 6 out of 10 on #11.” (or which ever number apply to you).
Don’t explain that you mean. He will be curious enough to open the link and read all 15. Then you can discuss it later if you want or let the email suffice.
Have to pump the brakes on this one as I can already see the “it’s the man’s(Black) fault…” theology – even when the woman is grossly at fault.Most folks in positions of counsel(ie pastor, clergy) marginalize the hell so many men catch at home and trivialize the amount of damage a woman can do to a family.Basically absolving her from any accountability for her actions.No man wants to work hard all day then come home to someone arguing about every little detail about the man’s “planning etc.It’s often never enough so when men “shirk” from their roles it’s because their worn out.(See Diary Of A Tired Black Man) We often hear the term “Happy Wife-Happy Life” but the smart and spiritual women understand their man’s happiness is just as important… Bottom line is everyone needs to play their role in God’s order and stop making excuses for being “cantankerous” as Scripture describes.Wishing Peace, Blessings And Clarity To All…
Black Dynamite, I can see how you perceive that I’m blaming the black man for all the woes of the relationship. From your perspective, if you perceive my tone as corrective to men (black), you chalk it up to “it’s the man’s (Black) fault…” theology. Here’s the thing…where you see correction, I see empowerment. I make no apologies for giving men (black) advice on how to improve their relationship. Through it, I empower men to take the initiative in their relationship and provide leadership by serving. Robert Greenleaf calls this servant leadership.
Nobody is perfect. We all can stand to take some corrective measures in our lives in one area or another. What I’ve provided are 15 areas from which men in relationships can choose to make such corrections. If you perceive it as “marginalize the hell so many men catch at home” or “absolving her from any accountability for her actions”, that is unfortunate. I don’t take such a defensive posture. I look at it as empowering.
BTW…I’m improving on #1. I haven’t started on #15 yet.
Great question and response. My wife just emailed this to me raw. I take it as a good discussion starter. One of the things that stands out is the vision/plan. I remember Myles Munroe claiming he had a written 50 year plan for his family. How reasonable/necessary is this duration?
Drew, If you have a huge vision like Miles Monroe, then a 50 year vision is probably appropriate. I recommend focusing on milestones, not age. For example, if the next big milestone is having children, buying a new house, or starting a business, start from there and work backwards…setting mini-milestones (i.e, goals and objectives) you need to reach by a certain time. In so doing, if one of your goals is to retire early and ball-out in your retirement, then you might be in the 50 year vision time frame. But if it’s to be self employed in 3 years, then your time is better spent focus like a laser on the next 3-5 years. Thanks for your comments. Wish you all the best.
Yeup you are so right young man. Just a little more attention is all she needs. As a great man once told me ..you better stay on it “like ya realy want it!
Yes old post
The focus is always on the man. She is the helpmate not him. She the woman was created for the man, not man for the woman. This is scripture. Jesus served his disciples, but he never asked for permission. So sick of the one sided man focus. feminism is at large. As she suppose to be the help mate, she is support his calling and mission, not her self identity apart from the marriage. To many cowards that dont want to address the feminists who have done a fine job of emasculating the men.