There are some days you can’t help but hate your parents-in-law and other in-laws, and “I hate my monster-in-laws!” is one of those expressions nobody really wants to say and admit. You’ve found the one you love, and they love you back. The two of you decided to join together in holy matrimony. You’re finally getting your happily ever after, but there is only one problem — his family hates you. Below are tips to help you in surviving your marriage and dealing with the in-laws.
In this article:
- How In-Laws Hate on You
- How Your Monster-In-Laws Can Affect Your Marriage Relationship
- Will Your Relationship Survive This?
- Don’t Take Anything Personally
- Don’t Blame Your Spouse for Their Behavior
- Keep the Lines of Communication Open with Your Spouse
- Don’t Buy into It
- Pick Your Battles
- Keep a United Front
- Don’t Hold Grudges
- Don’t Ever Use Your Children as Pawns
- Always Be Cordial and Respectful
- Don’t Be Afraid to Pack Your Things and Leave
- How You Can Win Over Your Monster In-Laws
I Hate My Parents-in-Law | Ways to Survive Marriage
How In-Laws Hate on You
Do you often think, “I hate my in-laws”? Even worse, do you believe they, too, dislike you? And, not just a normal dislike, I mean they actually have chosen another woman for him and want him not to marry you! Your mom-in-law even tells you to your face you’re very pretty but absolutely not the one for him.
As you proceed with your vows and you look out among the guests, you see his family glaring, not smiling — the ones who even accepted the invitation, that is. You accept this moment as a glimpse of what your future in this family might be like, but you proceed with the “I do’s” anyway because love conquers all, right?
How Your Monster-In-Laws Can Affect Your Marriage Relationship
Wrong. The truth is, conflicts created by monster-in-laws can lead to divorce! A lot of people believe having a good relationship with your in-laws is crucial to maintaining your marriage, and they are right to a certain extent.
I believe having a good relationship with your in-laws can definitely enhance your marriage. But, not everyone gets that kind of happily ever after because of the mean and messy in-laws who will do everything in their power to destroy your union.
Will Your Relationship Survive This?
You and your spouse can most definitely survive and thrive. If you and your spouse have done all you can to foster a relationship with the opposing family, to no avail, then you must do what you have to survive and most importantly maintain your marriage.
Here are 10 ways to make your relationship stronger, despite you saying “I hate my in-laws” and having them hating on you:
1. Don’t Take Anything Personally
A lot of times, the problem parents-in-law and other in-laws have isn’t with you — it’s with your spouse. There may be something your spouse used to do for them that they don’t do anymore because you came into the picture.
They may believe you have taken something from them. Most families are very protective when it comes to their children. Sometimes, this protection turns into an obsession. It means nobody will ever be good enough. Oftentimes, they’ll direct this anguish to you. Recognize this, and don’t take it personally.
2. Don’t Blame Your Spouse for Their Behavior
Your spouse cannot be held responsible for the behavior of another adult. When your in-laws behave in less than desirable ways towards you, don’t blame your spouse. It’s not his fault, and he can’t do anything about it. Blaming and handing out ultimatums only lead to arguments and resentment. Don’t do it.
3. Keep the Lines of Communication Open with Your Spouse
Tell him how you’re feeling. Let him know when something is bothering you. Encourage him to express how he feels, too. A lot of times, your spouse may be unaware you’ve been offended or disrespected. Instead of grinning and bearing it, release it, so it can be calmly discussed.
4. Don’t Buy into It
If your parents-in-law and other in-laws are really hateful and dislike you, then they’re going to love knowing they’ve caused drama in your life. They’ll do things, like excluding you from any family gathering or calling you by the ex’s name, which is all childishly purposeful behaviors. They feed off of your negative reaction.
Dealing with the in-laws also means not buying into it. It will only add kindle to their fire and encourage them.
5. Pick Your Battles
Of course, there are going to be some situations you won’t be able to quietly walk away from. However, you must not make every situation into a major one. Don’t make a fuss about every little thing. Choose the lines you have that can’t be crossed, and choose very carefully. Set the boundaries, and as long as they mind those lines, everything else should be brushed off.
6. Keep a United Front
Your happiness with your spouse is your victory! Your successful marriage is your sword. They cannot bring it to you if you have created a united front they know they can’t penetrate. You don’t have to be fake about it. Just be real, and be happy. Your solidarity is in your love for one another. Remember, a weak front can be easily penetrated by the enemy.
7. Don’t Hold Grudges
A lot of times, your in-laws may need you to grow on them. If they caused drama for you at the beginning of your marriage but appear to be cool with you now, let it go and go with it. Don’t carry that initial experience with you. Get over it, and move forward. Forgive and try your best to forget.
8. Don’t Ever Use Your Children as Pawns
Whether they care for you or not, don’t keep your kids away from them (unless there are safety issues). Your kids are their blood and deserve to know their people. Don’t let the kids suffer because of an ignorant behavior. And, don’t bad mouth them in front of your children either.
9. Always Be Cordial and Respectful
Dignity goes a long way. Hold your head high, and represent your family. Don’t stoop to levels lower than you. Be cordial and respectful because that’s the right way to be. Ignore snide remarks and comments. Don’t allow yourself to be goaded into an argument.
10. Don’t Be Afraid to Pack Your Things and Leave
In some situations, there may be no way to resolve or diffuse a conflict that has started. Instead of staying and participating, leave. Pack your things, bring your kids and your mate, and leave.
You shouldn’t be required to stay anywhere you’re not wanted. Even if you’re attempting to be cordial and respectful, people cross the line sometimes. There’s no harm in walking away from a confrontation.
How You Can Win Over Your Monster In-Laws
Doing all of these things might be hard. You might be saying to yourself, “I am not doing any of it!” or you may have already given up. It’s never too late. If you think about these actions before reacting, you’ll avoid so much unnecessary stress, negativity, and drama, which is what they want!
Ultimately, in the end, you will win, and your mate will respect your ability to stay in control. The view of the troublemakers in their family will change once they see who the aggressors really are.
You will be showing your children how to carry themselves as respectful adults by not arguing and not being involved in negative interactions. I read something one time that went something like, “Never argue with a fool, because a stranger may walk by and not be able to tell who is who.” Well, it’s true, so don’t do it!
Here’s a video from Life Coach Shawn giving advice on what to do if your monster in-laws are ruining your marriage:
If you’re one of those people who is constantly saying, “I hate my parents-in-law,” remember to breathe and try not to let it get to you. Understand your position with your mate’s family and handle it accordingly. Don’t let anything come between your love and commitment to your spouse. If their family doesn’t accept you, then so be it. It does not have to destroy your marriage. And, if all else fails, you can just drink a lot of wine whenever you’re around them, then you won’t care!
How are you going to handle your parents-in-law and other in-laws if you don’t exactly get along with them? Share your thoughts in the comments section!
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Editor’s Note – This post was originally published on January 23, 2014, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.
Ashley-Louise Sinclair says
Thanks for this article. I’m engaged and always wondered if the inlaws could hinder God’s blessings in my marriage even if I’ve tried to make peace with them and honour God.
The SistahChick says
Best wishes to you in your marriage! Thanks for reading the post. I hope it helps!
No, they can try but it won’t work.
Thanks for the article & tips. My life has gotten to the point where not only would they exclude me, make rude comments but they would only introduce my husband to their friends or other acquaintances despite the fact that I am standing next to my husband. It is as if I do not exist. The best advice that was given to me was to avoid them at all cost and for me not to attend any of their gatherings. My time is better spent elsewhere. Out of sight out of mind kinda thing and it works for me. I have found peace finally. But yes I do not use my kids as prawns. At the same time if he wanted them to spend time w his family then he is to drop the kids off and to pick them up. That’s another way for me to avoid surrounding myself with ignorant people.
I hate that you have to make those adjustments, but sometimes peace of mind and sanity is best and if it works for you then so be it. Its their loss! Good luck to you.
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Good article but too late for me. I had to pack my baby and leave my ex his family was terrible. I choose celebate walks these days. No more drama at its entirety
Awww I hate to hear that. Best wishes to you.
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I’m so glad I found your blog. You have given me very good advice, although some is easier said than done. My issue is with my sister in law, not even my brothers wife but my husbands brothers wife…….????. I mean really now?! She goes out of her way to exclude me, she only communicates with my husband, won’t even phone the landline, only his cell, emails him, even makes her kids only speak to him. It’s more annoying when you don’t know why. After reading your blog I’m definitely going to take a different approach. You can’t please everyone and not everyone will like you…..Jesus had enemies too??. So thank you for your sound, solid advice.
You are very welcome, how are things going for you now?
I need to do number 7! Or it will just make me sick!
#7 is very important cause remember letting go of the past is for you…not them
I have been with my husband for 11 years married for five and blessed with 3 kids 9,7 and 2.My ML is very unfriendly so are his daughters.She doesnt even know my name,has no interest in her grand kids only phones his son.I love my man but I dread spending holidays with his family, every time I wish I’d get hospitalised just to escape his weird family.I think forced interactions never work.
Force interaction is a “front” that doesn’t work. Your husband needs to address his folks about their attitude toward you. Or you may have to address these people for him.
I totally understand, I usually pack a lot of wine for “family time” and drink my way through. lol. If thats not a good option for you, you may have to address the behavior or remove yourself from their gatherings until they can learn respect. They dont have to like you, but the need to respect you.
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miss sewing bee says
I am going through separation nowadays because of my in laws. My husband has a very large family in which hes the youngest and I had no mother in law. I’ve tried nearly everything on the blog from being respectful to them,and not using my child as a pawn.To keep the peace with my husband I used to call them every month, buy gifts for them attempt to go and see them.The funny thing is whenever I used to go to see his sister she behaved very nice with me but at the same time she used to make us fight. I went abroad to see the rest of them it was a worse story.In the end I decided that I will pack my bags and leave which means I don’t want anything to do with them out of sight and out of mind thingy. Then recently my husband picked up on un necessary arguments which lead to further domestic abuse and then separation. I guess my relationship was weak for this to happen and no understanding between us because he’s far too attached to his sisters and he treated them like more than his mother’s. Very Sad!!!In a way I’m glad I m out of that weird family.
What horrible story. Your husband sounds as if he was very immature. Plus, you mentioned domestic violence. Girlfriend thank God this man child and his family is gone. Take this time to reflect and focus on you. God bless you.
WOw! Thats crazy. At least you tried. Thats all you can do. Best wishes to you.
After yet another ungrateful, embarrasing encounter I say FUCK EM! I am leaving my wife and her leeching arsehole parents for good! Good riddance and hope you all drown in your own bile!
So sorry to hear that. Best wishes to you.
Hi. I am very happy for this blog and hope for some honest opinions/advise. My in laws do not like me for their son/brother because I was married before and have 2 children from that marriage. My ex left me and our kids for my best friend and never looked back for his kids. So when I met this younger man who was never married and had no children of his own I never thought it would get anywhere. 2yrs later we married with the secret disapproval of his parents and 2 sisters. They hated me for him but pretended to appreciate me in public for their reputation’s sake. I shrugged off their negative comments and insults they expressed behind my back….but one day I heard my sister in law say to my husband “I don’t know what u picked up, older woman with kids as if u couldn’t do better. What happened is that how bad p—y got u? That girl is nothing but a cross in ur life”. That did it. I m still upset and hurt to this day. My husband said nothing to this younger sister and I was livid with him for not saying a word at the moment. However they were her words and now I refuse to have anything to do with them. Its not about pride, it’s about self respect. They have done enough and now it’s at the point that I told my husband that if he agrees with them that I should be forgiving even though no one is apologizing then he can join them in their hypocrite world cause I do not want to be a part of it. I did not curse her or anyone I just refuse to go where I am not liked. I don’t wish them any harm as that will only be my bad karma.
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I notice I drink a lot more when around my MIL, who always has snide remarks that my husband doesn’t recognize. So now I avoid her to not become an alcoholic.
Roberta Taylor says
How do you overcome the pain? I have to go to a wedding of the only inlaws that are good to me. Sitting with the outlaws and their religious pompous attitudes and obvious hate toward me is not comfortable! What to do????
There will be nowhere to hide.
I have been married for many years now.
We been together 15 years.
I moved from my country to be with my Wife.
But her family has always HATED me & I HATE them.
I went to two xmas get together`s at Wife family home
but after that I avoided all xmas paries with in laws .
They always tell Wife I was a bad choice yet they never ever help her or visit Wife when she was ill in hospital.
I have stuck by Wife during all her difficult periods but enough is enough , Wife has also started hating me.
So soon as I have the money I am headed for divorce ship all my belongings back to my home country & I am out of here. I am begining to realize that this second marriage was a big mistake . I am not marriage material I never will be I am looking foward to my freedom. I will Party like crazy once I am free . MGTOW all the way baby.
Norman Chauke says
I’ve been married for 11 years, before I marry my wife the in laws, we’re playing good. Now almost everyone in her family see me as the bad guy in her life. They can create stories about when they’re together. They try all they can to destroy my marriage and my wife on the other hand not protecting me. I sometime believe she sold me to them hence I have become thier play ground. I’ve decided to leave them and thier daughter to start a new life somewhere else. I love my kids but there’s nothing I can do my soul is tired
My future father in law has been absolutely horrible to me right from the start. From calling me a drug addict for my prescribed adhd medication, going below the belt and insinuating that it was my fault my dad left my life at a young age, to telling my fiancé he shouldn’t marry me because I have mental illnesses, even going as far as to deny his son’s request to have me at the private prayer service for his brother and then proceed to tell him that I was not welcome because his brother supposedly didn’t like me when we both knew it was because he didn’t want me there. Every single time I have ever tried to stick up for myself it seems to make things worse and I’m being deemed the one who is disrespectful because literally no one in that family calls him out on anything while I refuse to be bullied. It gets even worse when he tries to stick up for us because he never listens to what his son has to say about how he feels.
I’ve been with my fiancée for three years now and things still just feel horrible to the point I question if I really want to marry into a family that.. just does not seem to want to accept me and it hurts a lot because I do love him but the abuse has been able to reach such a high point that it’s unbearable. We both agree that he’s not going to be getting an invite to our ceremony because of how toxic he’s been we want to avoid the drama but I find myself questioning if we are even going to work in the long run.
Firstly, the advice given on this blog is seriously problematic.
Boundaries are the most healthy thing a marriage can have.
If your in laws emotionally abuse you, you owe it to yourself and to your spouse and to your children not to let that shit slide.
If you’ve made all the strides to have a good relationship with them, and they STILL persist in their passive-aggression to the point where you’re searching google for answers, then let me say what this blog doesn’t…
Keep away! No, is a complete answer and being the “Bigger person” is not to misinterpreted as being a doormat!
Here’s what you all need to know….
1. If your spouses family treats you badly, they do not care about what it does to your spouse and they do not care for your spouse. Respecting his or her choice to marry you, means respecting you and making sure they do not give the two of you reason to fight because of them.
2. If your in laws want to see your kids, they need to demonstrate they are capable of emotionally looking after your kids. And, if they are icing you out or displaying aggression, then, they are not capable. They, therefore cannot be trusted to use your kids as a pawn in your marriage. They don’t get to see the kids.
3. You, your spouse, your kids (if you have any), your pets (if you have any) are the nuclear family. The in laws, your parents, siblings, and the rest of troop are the extended family. Your job is to protect your nuclear family first.
4. Don’t be baited into losing your cool. Go over your argument in your head before it leaves your mouth. There will be THAT day when the stuff hits the fan…. wait for that day. Have your points of submission. Calmly drop the bomb… gracefully walk away from the area and hold on to your peace. You already know what they are going to say based on how they treat you. My best line was: Put me on trial! You have so many reasons for your aggression towards me, so indict me. Put me on trial. But, be aware that my defense is going to unearth some truths you are not ready to hear. I’ll wait until you’re done and then, when I speak, I’d like your full attention. And if you interject or stomp out, then I’ll take it as fact that you didn’t have much to bolster your case. You’re ready? I am. Put me trial.
5. When you get home, move on. Do you.
I just dont know if how can I totally remove my inlaws in my life. They are so mean!!!!! They are very good in assuming things about me and my fiancee. The sister inlaws are so good in creating assumptions that are really not true. Without asking us the real reason behind our actions. All they wanted to think and put in their minds were all of the negativities about us. I never forced myself to explain the reasons at all to them. Because I believe that if youre seeing always the bad things in a person, then nothing will change your mind. They only believe in what they usually see that is not true. I got the chance to talk to my mil and i was so shocked with all her allegations that are so much wrong. She sees our relationship as a bad thing that happened to his son. That hes so much changed from the start I became her girlfriend. I didnt know what to say to her. She even told me that what I am after is just the money from her son. Which is weird that I cant even understand where is that coming from. I cant even react at that very moment. my mind was just so shocked with her words to me. Her heart is so full of anger and bitterness. I just stand quiet. I feel hurt of course because I am living with them for around 3years now. I have tried my best to be good with their family. And I know that, from the start, my inlaws doesnt like me. But i ignored that fact for the longest time and tried to be nice to them. But problems do come along the way. But I did took all of those patiently and wholeheartedly. Praying that they will also accept me in their family the same with the other sis inlaws. But that never happened. In years I learned how to be non existent in the family and in the house. If they are going out or doing something outside eating outside. Because I knew my spot in their family and I dont want to be a burden to their family if they dont like me. My mil also told me that we can get married next year if we want, so we can just do whatever we want, without her blessing. She also told me that she never want to live in the same house with someone she doesnt like. It was just so unfair, that she sees all the bad things in us. After that talk we had. I just left their house and took some of my things. I felt so shy to her, because for the longest time ive been with them, it was just that very night that she eventually told to my face that she really dont want me to stay in her house. So I went off and from this very day, i never took chance to come back again in their house. That is what I am telling to my fiancee. He already talked to her mother and accepted her wrong behaviour towards me. She told my fiancee that shes just stressed with all the problems in the house. So many bills to pay etc etc. After hearing that, I said to my fiancee that it is no longer my issue. And I’ve already moved on with my life. Accepting the fact that they will never like me. So i wanted to move forward without them as my inlaws and supposed to be 2nd family. I just wanted to live in peace and move forward. I dont want to think about them anymore. But of course with the healing process, you cannot easily forget all thebwrong doings. Theres always a time that you just remember those badthings they have done to me. But I pray to God to give me peace and a forgiving heart.
Ashawna-kaye Walker says
Hey I watch your video about in laws , am currently going through the same thing me and my husband mom usually talk for hours sister in law we were like blood sister but then I got pregnant they seem so support after the baby was born everyone start giving me side looks hated face tell my husband lie making up lie saying that the baby isn’t his we got married they hated me more