Combining two cultures through the covenant of marriage is easier than you may think. To find out how this is done I interviewed my good friend Wenona Barlow. She and her husband Lenny have been married for 13 years and have four beautiful children (Three little girls, Mya 10, Nina 5, Sophia 2 and a handsome young boy, Isaac 3).
After talking to Wenona on this subject of marrying someone who’s heritage is different from your own, I realized that combining cultures is much like combining any two people in marriage. When two people marry and become one unit they bring together the best of both worlds forming their own customs and culture.
Here is a peek inside my conversation with the Wenona Barlow.
What is your family heritage?
Wenona: I am a black woman; my parents are both American. My mom is African American with Indian and Caucasian in her bloodline. When asked what my dad is, he would simply say he’s black, although his mother was German and his biological father was Cuban. My father was born in Germany and spent most of his childhood being raised by his grandfather until my Oma (German for grandmother) married the only grandfather I knew, who was black. He then adopted my father and they then moved to the United States. Although my dad is half Cuban, he was not raised in a Cuban culture. It’s still something to me when I hear my dad speak fluent German.
Lenny, has a unique background although he simply identifies himself as Pakistani. Lenny was born in Pakistan, but he moved to the United States at the young age of 4. Although both of his parents were born and raised in Pakistan, neither are 100 percent Pakistani. Lenny has Spanish, Portuguese and Irish roots.
Describe how your family identify culturally?
We are completely Americanized in our household. However, when we visit our parents’ homes, that’s when the family heritage shows up most.
On my husband’s side, when we would visit my mother-in-law (now deceased), you would see a typical American family watching football while eating pizza and drinking soda. But when we visited my father-in-law’s home, he and his wife (from Pakistan as well) would cook the traditional Pakistani meals and the home was always filled with the aroma of Pakistani spices.
On my parent’s side, their home is completely Americanized also. However, when I was younger and we lived in Germany (my dad was in the Army), my mom learned how to make traditional German dishes. When we would visit my German relatives, I would then experience the culture through the food, clothing and simply their way of life.
On one end of the spectrum, I had my Oma, who would serve me Bröchen (bread rolls) with butter and Käse (cheese), and on the other, I had my Grandmom, who was born and raised in Georgia and would make me grits and eggs. Although their breakfast menu was different, they both showed me the same unconditional love.
We love and appreciate the heritage of our collective families. However, we knew that as a new family unit we must establish culture within our own home, and that’s what we’ve done.
Were there challenges merging the two family cultures?
No, not really. I come from a loving accepting home, and so does Lenny. So when our love grew and we decided to marry, we understood what we were getting into. We and our families would become one.
Being a military kid, my family moved a lot. From one state to another and from one country to another, I had to become a chameleon to fit it, being different wasn’t always easy.
Growing up I wasn’t always accepted because I didn’t always fit in. In my home, my parents made me and my brother speak with proper grammar. And in general, we didn’t use a lot of slang words. So having black skin, green eyes and talking like a “white girl” didn’t sit well with most blacks I came in contact with. So I felt that in my own culture I wasn’t accepted as being “black enough”.
Because I understand what it felt like to be looked at as different, I never saw my husband as different. We see each other as human beings created by God just in a different space of time. My husband and I are both Christian and that has greatly helped to make our lives together much easier.
What will you teach your children of their rich heritage?
We love having a multicultural family. At this point, we don’t teach our children specific things about our family heritage, but they learn them and they see them when we visit their grandparents. From the foods and clothing to the different languages spoken or way of living, my children are learning on their own.
My Nina loves spicy Pakistani foods while Isaac asks for grits rather than cold cereal any day of the week. Our culture goes far beyond our foods, and our children will learn more as they grow.
Our kids are young and they don’t really see people as black or white or something different. They see people. My little one, Nina, says her color is peanut butter.
What is the main thing you would like people to take away from this interview?
When you see people who are different from you, don’t focus on your differences; focus on what you have in common, how you are similar, how are you alike. Embrace the differences and ask loving questions about what you don’t understand.
It amazes me that only nine days apart on two different continents our mothers were going through very similar situations. My mother was pregnant in Alaska, where I was born. My husband’s mother was in Pakistan, where he was born. Their lives were already connected in a way they knew not as they experienced the beauty of childbirth.
If we truly look deep, we are much more alike than we are different. When this is realized, merging two cultures and honoring your heritage is a whole lot easier.
BMWK, were there any major differences in your marriage (culturally, regionally, religiously, etc.)? How did you make your differences work?
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