Many men will remain silent on issues that genuinely bother them in order to maintain peace in the home. We cannot speak for all men. Yet, it is a known fact that the majority of our men avoid “wife drama.” We ladies may call it by another name – talking it out, having a discussion, or an agreement to disagree. However, if it involves hands on hips, hurt feelings, tears, involving your mama, or the silent treatment for the next few days, to him this can be termed, “wife drama.”
Just because he avoids the conversations, doesn’t mean he appreciates the actions. Check out these three actions that may cause Your Husband To Secretly Resent YOU.
Trying To Be His Mother
Your man married a wife; not his mother. The days of trying to raise him and change him are long gone. Yes, you are his help mate but that is much different from mothering. If you find yourself talking to him the same way you do the children, press pause, see how you can approach him differently and respect him as the man in your life.
Not Allowing Him To Be the Father He Wants and Needs To Be
If he dressed your daughter and her clothes don’t match to your liking or her hair is not done to your standard, LEAVE IT BE. He may never mention the time he dressed his baby girl for church to help out only to have you talk about how her clothes didn’t match; yet you may be left wondering why he doesn’t help out as much the kids anymore.
If he tells the children to do one thing and you tell them to do another or you get on him when he disciplines the kids, then he may not mention it, but this could be reason for hidden resentment. Allow him to be dad. DON’T make decisions without him concerning the children. He WILL NOT parent the same way you do. Allow him to be dad without undermining each other’s position. We are talking about healthy parenting.
Talking To Others About Your Relationship
Men tend to be private. We women, on the other hand, usually feel better when we talk things out. Your mate knows when you have been talking to others about your relationship. He doesn’t want to work things out with your mom or your best girl friend, he wants YOU. If the two of you can’t work it out together find a counselor.
Check-in with your husband. Find out if any of these three things bother him. Ask with a loving heart, looking to better your relationship. This means you have to be prepared to accept his answer and not fight against it. You have asked him to express how he feels. There is no right or wrong. His feelings are his truth.
BMWK – let me know if you can relate. I have lived through and overcome ALL three of the above. For me the worst was probably allowing my husband to discipline our boys the way they needed to be. Can’t wait to hear from you.
Nichelle, most of us have been there at some point. When we really think about it we know if the children are being discipled in love or out of anger and frustration. We may as well face it, our husband’s voice is a man’s voice, which we want it to be, he’s not going to sugar coat the way we sometimes do. And you don’t want him to take the base out of his voice 🙂
All of these are wonderful, just one thing regarding about when the husband dresses the child/children. If what they have on doesn’t match or their hair looks a hot mess, it needs to be addressed. But not in a way where it seems as if the husband is being attacked. At this point he can be told in a kind positive way that they don’t match. He will appreciate it (so will the kids) and be more inclined to help out. Great article and I know it has helped someone!
Thanks Vee! Yes, a comment given in love is ALWAYS better than a word that tears down.
I agree too Vee…I too believe an encouraging word goes a much longer and/or further way than anything that’s going to tear down/apart. And as Tony mentioned in another article, men “fix” while we express…so if we as women are giving him the earful on the this and that…it could be possibly he’s silent because he’s trying to figure how to ‘fix’ this situation to get back to making his woman happy…I think if he’s reached a point of feeling resentful, it’s time for professional assistance (3rd party) to bring it back – 🙂
Dawn, thanks for leaving a comment. I agree an encouraging word can go a long way. Men do tend to be fixers while we express. Everyone’s situation is uniquely different. The more time mates spend getting to know each other as spouses we will know when to give that encouraging word and when to let it go. Resentful is a strong word. Hopefully we don’t have too many mates at this point.
Happy Relating – Debbie
Helpful stuff! Thank you.
Great article Debbie! Thanks for sharing it with BMWK.
Oh Please, it is a marriage. If you AS A MAN use the silent treatment TO HIDE AN UNDERVELOPED EGO, it is the MAN that needs to grow up with better communication skills. If a spouse has to be silent, either one, you can bet such an immature marriage will never survive and THAT will cause much more problems than whether or not the clothes match. The deeper issue here is that men are NOt BABIES AND IF THEY CAN’T HANDLE “INPUT” THEY HAVE NO BUSINESS IN A MARRIAGE. vERY ONE SIDED ARTICLE ONCE AGAIN HOLDING WOMEN RESPONSIBLE FOR MAN’S IMMATURITY.
@ Mitzy, EXACTLY! Most of the articles written on here are ONE-SIDED. And the crazy thing is that women co-sign to this mess! I read for entertainment purposes, but never will I take this back to my own marriage – I would be unhappy if I did. I know what it takes to make my marriage works, heck it’s working. Many of the authors on here seem to be Christians too but they have a skewed concept of what marriage should look like. They basically say that the women are responsible for the success of their marriage and making their husbands lives easier while they (wives) get whatever’s left. Non-sense. That is why I don’t listen to the world’s view on how to work out my marriage. None of this is not biblical.
These same women who write these articles will raise immature boys, and so the cycle continues!
I was frequently and abusively controlled with the “silent treatment” from a man with communication issues, and a conflict avoider, who expected to NEVER be questioned. He is now having an inapproriate relationship with our adult daughter, substituting her for his wife as he needs a “yes woman” and communicates by trying to instill jealousy cause women should defer to a man. Daughter has remained unmarried and they operat in society as husband and wife. This all is due to his immaturity, and sickness of narcissism. If a spouse can’t handle their spouses input with due maturity as a couple…worse things abound. Grow up people, any so fragile they can only communicate by ‘silent treatment” manipulations to self protect is missing the whole point of marriage…growth into one. A unit, teaching each other things that we lack. No one would say “if your wife is working on the car and puts the spark plug in backwards, ignore it so you don’t hurt her feelings”. Or if she leaves the tools out in the rain, no big deal. Dressing to little girls is important, as others will tease them if stuff doesn’t match or otherwise is asku, mothers know this….I mean don’t over do it, and it seems small, but fathers if they are going to “go female” may need pointers from a FEMALE. Yes, I am divoricing due to my husbands immaturity is having to be RIGHT, even in stuff he knows NOTHING about and his immaturity to substitute someone of his emotional intelligence for a wife, rather than raise his maturity to become one with his wife.
Husband prefers “younger women” which I am by ten years. This situation is very concerning to me and it stems from his immature ego. I could leave without looking back but I fear how and why he is ‘using his daughter to replace his wife” will effect her. Nothing ANYONE says to him is able to penetrate his “self serve” attitude here, and now daughter thinks this is “natural” and frequently act more like his “wife” than his daughter. Sick, never never never do what is unnatural or seems stiffling to you as a female. This is a sign you have bought into the “protect a man” as the first real major disagreement surfaces you will find HE never developed as a man willing to learn and with the human failings we all have. Do NOT think keeping silent will strengthen a marriage. It will not. He must honor you as you honor him by expecting more maturity.
The more ANYONE including her siblings point out to her or him that this is crossing the line of acceptible boundries and leaving them and mother in the cold (equal attention wise) the more SHE and HE bond. It is jealousy personified and very unhealthy for our family, but no one can readjust this and he will eventually try and find a woman to have “normal relations with” after he is done damaging this family (unless he has already crossed another line or expect her to “care for his old age and she him to money her ” and this will mean she comes back to me to “fix” what no one could. I hate that moment….also both use this unnatural to control others. He attempted such will all our daughters, and would not listen to counsel or see the “chaos” resluting anywhere. I really don’t know what to do about this as most comments or counsel me to him only feeds his need to create jealousy surrounding him by the poor use of this daughter. He is SURE it is the “insanity” of a woman scorned on my part, although this has been going on in this unhealthy way for years, creating a wedge hard to overcome betweeen me and this daughter…who is very dependant on him now as others have stepped back or see it is futile to get either more in line with who and what they are…ie NOT a couple. It is heartbreaking.