It’s unfortunate, but many people don’t seek help for their marriages because they believe they can manage things on their own. It may seem noble to decide that you can put in the work to improve your marriage without anyone else being involved, but it’s rarely that simple. There is nothing noble about refusing help when you actually need it.
Sure, there are relationship issues that may be relatively minor and working through those issues with just your spouse actually is the right thing to do. However, sometimes the issue damaging your marriage is far too complex to work through without help. When it comes to our marriages—or anything else in our lives that matters—we have to be able to appreciate and accept help.
Does the need to seek help make you feel like you’ve failed at your marriage? It shouldn’t because marriage comes with countless unexpected experiences and you really can’t be completely prepared for everything that may happen. And what’s the best thing to do when something unexpected (and potentially damaging) comes your way? The best thing to do is get help from the right people. The right people can include counselors, therapists, psychologists, and presenters at marriage retreats and seminars to name a few. You just want to do your research and make sure the people helping you are truly qualified to help.
So how do you determine if your marriage is in big enough trouble that having a third party involved will benefit your relationship and potentially save your marriage? Clearly every marriage is different and you have to make a determination based on the current quality of your relationship. You should also remember that you just need one spouse to be unhappy in order to seek help. A marriage is a union, and only one happy person means you have one happy person, not a happy marriage.
Here are 3 signs that your marriage is in trouble and you may need some help with getting things to a healthier and happier place.
Consistent anger
Anger is a normal human emotion and everyone gets angry at times. People express and react to anger differently, and typically the expression and management of the emotion is the real issue—not the actual emotion itself.
If you are angry with your spouse but that anger is either being mismanaged, or it’s simply building up and lingering, you should consider seeking help. Being angry about a situation or about something your spouse did (or didn’t do) is part of marriage—but holding on to that anger and having it be a part of you day-to-day existence as a couple is incredibly unhealthy and can damage a marriage beyond repair if it isn’t addressed.
Inability to forgive
Unless you married a saint there is a strong possibility you will need to forgive your spouse for something at some point. Depending on the extent of the grievance, you may find yourself unable to move past it and truly forgive your spouse.
Now, no matter how wrong your spouse was, if you have made a decision to stay in your marriage, you also have to make a decision to forgive. It’s the only way you will ever find peace and happiness again, and it’s truly the only way you can completely trust your spouse.
Being in a marriage with a person you are unable to forgive is a pretty miserable existence. And remember, forgiving your spouse is not about approving what they did. It’s really about your own peace of mind. But learning to forgive is not always easy. If you have been hurt by your spouse and your feel stuck, having a third party help you learn how to forgive can be huge and it may just save your marriage.
Lack of support
Mutual support is a critical part of a successful marriage. If both people in the marriage don’t support each other, bitterness and resentment may develop. And I think we all know the road that bitterness and resentment leads to.
If there is a clear lack of support in the relationship and attempting to discuss it has been unsuccessful, getting help can help you understand your spouse’s perspective, establish agreed upon expectations, and actually turn things around. A lack of support can threaten a marriage at it’s core, and leaving the issue unaddressed is a bad idea.
BMWK family, what do you think are some signs that your marriage would benefit from outside help.
Jayla says
How and when do people know when things are bad enough to walk away even after you have forgiven? How do people protect themselves from being used, abused and taken advantage of in their marriage???