By mid-January, most of you NFL football fans will see your team eliminated from the NFL playoffs…and not going to the Superbowl. As a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan (WHAT???), I’m heated because we are one of those teams!
We had a few setbacks (injuries, coaching, lost D. Murray) we just couldn’t overcome this year. So now…I have to wait for the NFL draft and free agency to find someone who can help us get to the Superbowl next year.
Relationships are just like an NFL season (try-to-keep-up). In pre-season, everything looks promising and hopeful. You just got rid of the old (your boo)…who wasn’t good for you, and picked up someone new (bae) that has a lot of potential.
You’re hoping to avoid the mistakes from last season (‘where did we go wrong?’). Great expectations abound (‘Won’t he do it!?’).
Then regular season (marriage) starts…when it’s time to show-and-prove. All of a sudden, your teammate doesn’t perform their role or responsibility according to expectations (the hype wasn’t real). Or someone gets hurt (‘You mad brugh?’) and another person has to step-in and pick up their slack.
These false-starts can set your relationship back from where you hoped you’d be back when the season began. When I go married in 1997, the plan for me and my wife, BerNadette (Bernie), was to move in the house I owned, payoff both cars, combine our incomes, and save a lot of money. We were going to be living fat. So I thought.
Well…2-months after our wedding my transmission went out ($2,000 false-start penalty). One month later…I got hit with a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’ from the IRS (3-paycheck garnishment – personal-foul penalty). Those setbacks put us in a messed up (Tony Romo…out for 10 weeks with a broken collar-bone) type-a situation.
But the presence of setbacks (debt) is not a factor of whether a relationship will be successful or unsuccessful. It’s about what you do next to overcome those setbacks that determine your future success. Here are 3-key factors that determine whether your relationship will overcome setbacks.
1. A couple’s ability to see the larger vision.
Every relationship must have a vision for its own Superbowl. What will be your relationship’s great accomplishment? This should be discussed and agreed upon during the pre-season of your relationship.
2. A couple’s ability to achieve the next smaller goal.
No Superbowl is won by applying one gi-normous effort at one point during the season. It’s won by executing small, achievable, bit-size goals, consistently…day-by-day in practice, week-by-week in games.
And it’s through that pursuit of each next smaller goal will a couple work its way through the setbacks once realized. So don’t get caught up on taking losses (garnishments) in the beginning of your relational-season.
3. A couple’s positive interaction with each other throughout the process.
Communication is key…key…key! A successful couple communicates with each other in such a way that solicits buy-in, welcomes feedback, communicates details, answers questions before they’re asked, and has their teammates’ best interest in mind.
When we were working our way out of our financial setback, I made sure I over-communicated with Bernie to make sure she knew what was going on, felt secure with the process, and to build trust. I wanted to make sure we fought as a team against the setbacks…instead of fighting against each other because of the setbacks.
It took us over 3-years, but we eventually paid off all our bills and were able to reach our Superbowl by saving over $3,000 a month…and that’s after bills, tithes, offering, helping people in need, and fun-money.
Whatever setbacks you’ve had in your relationship in 2015, I expect you to henceforth be the kind of couple that marshals its relationship’s resources to reach the next small goal that leads towards your Superbowl. In so doing…make sure you over-communicate in such a way that your teammate feels heard, accepted, valued, involved, and not dismissed.
Otherwise, you might end up like my Dallas Cowboys…spending the end of 2016 getting rid of the useless…again…and searching for yet another teammate with whom they can hopefully build a successful winning future with next year.
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