“Fellas don’t just show up…she needs you to be PRESENT!” This was a meme that I recently created and posted on my social media outlets because I know it’s an area that some men struggle in sometimes, including me!
The longer I’m in a relationship, the more I learn about and understand the needs of women. What I’ve found is that although people may have different “love languages”, one consistency I’ve seen from women is that, most of them want your TIME! Fellas, your woman always wants to know that she is a priority in your life and the way that’s expressed for many of them is through the quality TIME we give them.
Now here is the kicker….when I say “time”, I mean time where you are engaged in your mind and heart. Not just time where you just show up in the physical sense, but your mind is totally somewhere else. There is a difference between showing up and SHOWING UP. Let’s talk more about it, here’s a few scenarios:
1) Date Nights/Quality Time
Fellas many of us have been there. We agree to the infamous date night; we get dressed, we show up but it becomes obvious that our mind is somewhere else. Maybe it’s Monday night and the football game is on, maybe we are so behind at work that we keep checking our email, or for some we are so concerned with social media that we have looked at our phone more than we have looked at her. For her, date night was supposed to be about reconnecting, about intimate conversation and affection, but it’s been 2 hours and you have given her none of the above. You showed up but you didn’t SHOW UP!
Okay men I know you will all claim that this is an area that you all SHOW UP every single time, but I’m willing to bet that many of your ladies might not agree. First and foremost I get it, sometimes sex can be just functional for both parties, but that should be the exception and not the rule. For many it’s been months since you; engaged in any foreplay, even attempted to last longer than a few minutes, you took your time with her body, you’ve set any mood, you’ve changed positions, and since you’ve cuddled or talked with her afterwards instead of falling asleep. Basically, it’s been a minute since you’ve SHOWN UP!
3) Quality Time With The Children
You were supposed to be spending family time, but instead she spent family time while you sat there and watched TV. She played games with the kids, she did activities and laughed with them, and YES you were physically there with them, but NO you weren’t engaged. You went to the sporting events with the kids, but you didn’t really see any plays. She wanted y’all to spend time as a family but truthfully you might as well have not been there at all. You didn’t SHOW UP!
Now fellas the reason I can write this is because I’ve been there before. There have been times where although I showed up in the physical, I wasn’t truly present in the mental or emotional realms.
Here are 3 quick tips to help you SHOW UP! 3 C’s…
1) Conscious: Be conscious about what you are actually doing when spending “time.”
2) Communicate: It’s a lot harder to not be “present” when you are talking and communicating with your mate or with the kids. You have to engage in your mind to truly communicate so this will help. If you’re too quiet, she probably knows you aren’t engaged.
3) Cut if off: Cut off all distractions that take you away from where you actually are. That means all cell phones and electronics may have to be in the off position. In fact everyone involved should do the same.
BMWK Fam, what are other ways in which we can SHOW UP in our marriages and relationships?