One of my biggest pet peeves is chronic complainers. It just does something to my spirit and energy to hear people focus on what’s not working. Unfortunately, there are many relationships that suffer from this illness. It is easier to complain than to create an action plan and follow it. Now some of us don’t exactly know how to change this behavior. We may have been this way all our life and have carried this very bad habit into our marriage. Not only is it stressful on the spouse who does it, can you imagine the long-term damage it does to the marriage overall?
Some people look for what’s not working and aren’t sure how to be happy. Of course the majority of us have areas in our marriage we wish were better, but we miss our marriage blessings when we focus on small issues. I’ve learned in my 15 year marriage not everything is a battle. I do understand how stressful it must be to have to keep repeating or experiencing the same bad behavior. But we waste precious time focusing on what our spouse isn’t doing right instead of praising them for how well they show up in other areas of the marriage. Positive reinforcement can benefit the areas in which they lack as well.
Marriage will not solve all of your problems, but the more positive energy you put into it, the greater the benefits. If you struggle in this area, here are a few tips to help shift your focus:
It’s a behavior you have control over. Complaining about the socks being left on the floor has the same effect as your spouse not picking the socks up. Both are habits that can drive the other partner insane. There are healthy ways to discuss anything in a marriage, being mindful of the result we want is key. No one responds positively to frequent nagging.
Be solution focused. Instead of harping on what’s wrong, bring a new idea to the situation. Make sure it’s realistic and one you both can agree on.
Recognize where your marriage is strong and how you can use that energy to improve the challenged areas.
Love your spouse in spite of his/her imperfections. For the most part, our spouse’s bad habits aren’t a new discovery. Why we trip on them after marriage is something we should examine a little further. Enjoy the person they are and how they treat you instead of what they haven’t done right.
Our marriages need more joy and less complaining. Don’t miss the time and opportunity to enjoy the person you married, flaws and all!
BMWK, what suggestions would you add to breaking the nitpicking and complaining curse in marriage?
A friend suggested I do a pro and con list of whether to stay in a relationship after almost 10 years. We planned on marrying but family issues have delayed this from happening. Now I question whether to be with the person because I have a laundry list of complaints. After reading this article, I want to rethink my list and minimize the complaints and things that are apart of my partner’s character. I don’t want it to be an attack but more action items for us to move forward. Thank you for this article.
Thank you. I am so happy you read the article. Stay encouraged.
Do not reconsider your list. Those complaints are legit and numerous. Marriage is an “as is” proposition . What u are seeing after ten years is what you would get! If not happy run before habit, fear or second guessing gets to you! And you stay….
I completely agree with focusing on the positives in all relationships: spouse, children, work, friends. It has been proven scientifically as well as in general practice that positive reinforcement breeds more positive action. We want to make others happy by nature, above all other living creatures, at times sacrificing our own happiness for theirs. And typically because it makes us happy in doing so. Unfortunately, the more comfortable we feel with someone, the more we tend to want to “help” them be better and point out flaws. This practice should be used delicately and rarely, as it tends to nitpick and gives the message that you’re not good enough the way you are. Our personality traits are what attracts us to each other in the first place. Our differences make us unique. Acceptance and positivity are far more powerful than perfection. We are all capable of change, but positive changes don’t take place in negativity. You cage a bird because it is beautiful, yet you take away all the things that made it so beautiful by taking away its nature to be free. We don’t want to sabotage our relationships in the same way. We know there are always areas needing improvement in our lives, throughout our lives. Positive changes only take place willingly and with the love and support of those we cherish most, who allow us to make our own decisions, right or wrong, and learn from our own mistakes. That is the beauty of our human nature! We release ourselves from the responsibility of “fixing” everyone else when we let them be who they really are. Daily affirmations to ourselves to have patience and be accepting will lead to a more fulfilling life.