By: Lia Miller
We’ve all been there…you meet some really cool, there is instant chemistry, conversation naturally flows, you make each other laugh, you can feel the potential of the connection… but for some reason or another things never move to the next level.
It could be timing, circumstances, distance, the fact that either or both of you is already involved with someone else or a whole host of other reasons. Time passes, life rolls on, but that person is never far from your thoughts. You ask yourself the what if questions; you wonder about what the other person is doing; you stalk (I mean periodically check) their social media pages and wonder about what could have, should have, might have been.
You spend time daydreaming about a happy ending scenario when the unavailable person suddenly becomes available to you. However, spending too much time engaging in these activities is unhealthy, unproductive, and has the potential to negatively impact your actual relationship(s) or your ability to enter into a relationship. However, all is not lost; there are healthy ways to deal with this extremely common problem, read on for some tips for coping.
Understand your feelings are normal
There are some pretty obvious signs that someone is in a committed relationship and unavailable. A wedding ring is one of those signs. However a wedding band alone may not necessarily prevent you from feeling drawn to someone.
Even people who have been in long-term relationships with the same person for years can easily feel attracted to another person(s). Attraction is a natural instinct. However, you can control how you respond to or act on those feelings. Recognize and acknowledge that your “eye has wandered” and do nothing more; the feelings will fade since they are not being indulged.
Figure out if you are being competitive
PsychologyToday.com reports that “relational aggression” is a kind of competition that often occurs between peers (women to women and men to men) and sometimes involves getting sexually involved with a rival’s partner.”
If the object of your affection is in a relationship with anyone, but especially with a friend of yours, consider whether your feelings for them might actually stem from a sense of competition more than a true desire for the person. Then figure out how to curb these competitive urges, without ruining your friendship or your friend’s relationship.
Understand unavailability makes people more attractive
Love is weird. Why does it make someone more appealing because you can’t have them. Is it the mystery of the unknown, the ability to idealize them in the absence of actually knowing them, your guess is as good as mine?
So the next time you find yourself imagining any scenario with your unattainable person, stop and think about why you might be interested in someone who’s already attached.
Tell someone about your feelings
When you’re attracted to someone you can’t have, you’re often inclined to keep the feelings to yourself, especially if you are involved with someone else romantically. If you have a trusted friend or confidante, publicly airing your feelings is one way to manage them and to make them go away.
When you speak the feelings out loud/bring them to light it removes the fantasy and helps you realize that you entering into potentially dangerous territory. Bottom line: No matter who you who choose to tell, the conversation is an important step in waking up, accepting reality, and moving on with your life.
Lia Miller, known to the blogging world as Lia World Traveler, is the quintessential every-woman, a loving wife and mother, daughter, sister, friend, author/singer/song-writer, movie and book buff, DIY loc’d naturalista, food lover, sports and fitness enthusiast, news junkie, traveling fool, diplomat, diversity/social inclusion advocate, and life-time learner. In both her work and private lives, Lia has seen a lot and done a lot and through her writing; she shares her adventures and insights with you at Life As I See It.