“A lot of people want to be married but not many want to be husbands and wives.” I wrote this quote on social media a while ago and it seemed that it hit home with many people. The fact that it did told me there is more to the story.

The reaction told me that many people are in love with the title of husband and wife, but don’t necessarily embrace the responsibility that comes along with it.

At the core of the husband and wife relationship should be a partnership.

Additionally, it told me that maybe, just maybe, many people believe they are being a good husband or wife, but behind the scenes their partners have a different opinion. Either way there is some disconnect that has to be addressed.

The truth of the matter is that what “good” looks like has a lot to do with the expectations and roles each mate has within that marriage or relationship. It’s not one size fits all. With that said though, I do believe there are some ways you can know if maybe, just maybe, you have some work to do when it comes to this whole husband/wife partnership.

1) If you don’t communicate openly with your mate!

Many people are frustrated in their marriages because instead of being willing to discuss their feelings, fears, desires, etc. with their mate they hold everything inside and let it boil up until they explode.

A big part of being a husband or wife is the willingness to be vulnerable with EVERYTHING. If you’re in a marriage and your mate still feels you are distant, like you’re holding back, or like you’re unwilling to discuss how you are feeling then you have some work to do as a spouse.

2) If the marriage feels very one sided!

At the core of the husband and wife relationship should be a partnership. Yet many times when we get married, the partnership turns into PARENTSHIP. Men, you didn’t get married so that your wife can become your mother. And ladies, you didn’t get married so that your husband would become your father.

If you aren’t willing to invest and would rather just exist in your marriage then you might be more interested in the title than the real job duties.

If it feels like one person is giving everything whether it be mentally, emotionally, or even physically then your partner may have some work to do as a husband or wife!

3) If you can’t keep your hands to yourself!

Many of the trials and tribulations caused in a marriage are because one person is all in while the other person is stepping out (literally and figuratively). If your mate can’t feel secure in the relationship, and he or she always fears you leaving for someone else, then your husband or wife foundation is cracked.

If infidelity consistently creeps into your marriage, then while you might be ready for the title, you might not be ready for the much needed discipline that comes with marriage.

4) If you can’t keep others out of your marriage!

One of the quickest ways for a marriage to not work OUT is by you keeping outsiders IN! A husband or wife wants to be able to trust his or her mate with the good, bad and ugly that goes on within the marriage. So, if parents and friends are always up in the Kool-Aid, it opens the marriage up to attack.

While I understand we all need people to consult with and vent to, those people should be very limited and very trusted and very NON-BIASED! Too many times we are consulting people we know that will agree with us instead of consulting people who actually have the best for your marriage in their heart. If you are a husband or wife that can’t discern and can’t keep the wrong people out, you might need your husband/wife card revoked!

5) If you never want to invest in your marriage!

The only way for something to grow is for you to invest in it. Many of us get married and think that just because we had a nice wedding and said “I do” then that means everything will be fine and perfect. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

You have to continue to learn how to love one another better, communicate better, have fun together, keep passion alive, and build together. Marriages consistently have seasons and, if you don’t invest, you won’t survive the seasons that aren’t too glamorous.

If you aren’t willing to invest and would rather just exist in your marriage then you might be more interested in the title than the real job duties.

My point in this article is simple: we have to want and work for our marriages beyond the title. The truth is that, in order to be happily married, we have to actually engage in being husbands and wives and put in WORK. Simply having the title and not doing what’s required will get you an express ride to divorce court so don’t cheat yourself or your spouse!

BMWK, what kind of spouse are you?