I’m no relationship expert – I’m just a dude trying to be happily married. After almost of 10 years of trying, I’m understanding some fundamental truths about marriage that bind our experiences together.
1. The truth about marriage is that it’s a general concept uniquely defined by the people in the situation. Everyone can tell you about marriage, but absolutely no one can tell you about your marriage – or the marriage you wish to have. It’s yours to define. Unless you’re Ted Cruz – then you help define marriage for millions of others.
2 .The truth about marriage is, it’s a process of successes and failures. And both of you should be hoping to build on the successes and learn from the failures.
3. The truth about marriage is that they’re all defined by expectations spoken or unspoken. And unspoken expectations try to erode every marriage. Too many of us make permanent promises with temporary expectations.
4. The truth about marriage is we have far too few marriage mentors. Mainly because most of us spend our whole lives trying to figure it out for ourselves. It’s difficult to teach what you don’t know.
Marriage is not a game of scorekeeping.
Every good marriage is about service. Too few of us truly know how to voluntarily serve.
I know these are general terms, but far too many people in the age of the Internet are spending their time researching solutions rather than turning to their partner and implementing solutions. We treat our marriages like we treat our lives – doing the same things today while quietly wishing for something different tomorrow.
Life doesn’t work that way.
If you want to make your marriage better, you have to face your spouse and face each other’s expectations of one another and more importantly, of yourselves.
How do you expect to conduct yourself in your marriage and with your spouse?
What can your spouse reasonably and consistently expect from you?
This year for Mother’s Day, I packed bags for my son and I and left town for the entire weekend. When my wife left for work that Friday morning, I left her a handwritten card, a gourmet peanut butter and chocolate cupcake, and a little spending cash. Her instructions were to enjoy her time to herself. Unplug from the family and be selfish.
A few days before the weekend, my wife and I got into a heated discussion (that’s how I like to describe it) about my disappointment with the amount of one on one attention I was getting for the past few weeks, and how distant she was being with the family overall. As a husband, I get much of my strength directly from my wife and her ability to be receptive to my needs. For me, her affection translates into fuel as much as her alone time fuels her ability to be available for the family. It’s the chicken or the egg paradox. And although I was already at my wits end by the time her special weekend came around, I still wanted to serve her needs. I’m glad to.
It’s not that the service isn’t difficult for me. It’s that at my core, I believe she is worth serving.
And I can express my hope that to her, I’m worth the same.
From there, it’s up to us and no one else to define exactly what that service will look like and whether or not each of us are living up to our end of the agreed bargain.
One day our discussions will heat up – and we’ll try again.
We all have a lifetime of struggle to get it right – if we’re lucky.
5. The truth about marriage, is that every single one is about daily choices to put the welfare of the union above the welfare of the self – with the belief that, the sum of the parts are greater than the parts themselves. The truth about marriage is that, if you don’t believe this already about your marriage, you’re in deep trouble from day one.
But I’m just another regular dude on the Internet trying to figure it out myself.
BMWK, What is your perspective on marriage?
B. Williams says
This is a great article! I am not married yet but I do see that it can be of tremendous help for when I am married one day. Thank you Isom!
Isom Kuade says
You’re more than welcome. I’m thrilled you found it beneficial. All successful marriages start when we’re single. Thanks for reading.
Joy says
I truly enjoyed the article and you being vulnerable enough to share your truth. However I was wondering if you could elaborate more on the statement “All successful marriages start when we’re single”?
Thank you
Isom Kuade says
Every great endeavor starts with self-development. The more you know about your own wants vs. needs, the better you’re able to communicate your true self to your potential spouse. Many people don’t know themselves well enough to even know what type of relationship or person they need in their life.
Anonymous says
“All successful marriages start when you are single.” That is a profound statement. All of our experiences, interactions, successes, and failures contribute to who we become. The person that we become eventually finds a mate that we hope to be suitable for. That concept ties right back into what you were saying about individual and shared expectations. Awesome article!
Dawn Fitz says
I haven’t been married yet however, I’m gaining great perspective and thought provoking dialogue reading scenarios and essays on this site. I am in hopes that I may be better prepared when the day comes.
Bridget says
You lost me on the Ted Cruz comment but otherwise good article.
candice says
Great article. With so many microwave relationships, and fake reality, its refreshing to read about make how to make a real relationship last. God Bless you and your family. I think that’s why it says in the vows thru Good times and Badx sickness and health, rich or poor. Now a days people want a wedding(party),but forget the marriage. Thanks for the reminder.
Isom Kuade says
Thank you for reading and joining the conversation.
Aldridge says
Great advise! Keep it coming for us regular married dudes!
Isom Kuade says
I’ll do my best! We need more regular cats speaking up about their efforts. Do you write/blog?
Jae says
All truth.com in your article. You should be a married life coach. *smile*
Thanks so much for sharing your pearls of wisdom. The world needs to hear and see this.
God Bless 🙂
Shonay Williams says
I wish i had this article available a long time ago. I am currently in the divorce process but this was indeed great information. Continue to write these they will bless someone for sure.
Isom Kuade says
As long as people are finding some benefit from my experiences, I’ll continue to share. Thanks for your kind words.
joni says
loved the article it was a very easy read, and very down to earth. simple yet powerful. makes you look at yourself.
Mary says
Awesome, awesome read, “regular dude!”