There is someone out there right now who is about end their marriage because of this and I’m here to stop you!!
As a relationship coach, I often get to see many patterns of what is going on in dating and relationships, and it’s not always good. It helps me understand that none of us are alone in our problems, and it also reminds me that unless we actively work on correcting these problems, they can consume our relationships.
I consistently hear from the ladies about this particular issue. They talk about how they are unhappy with their relationship and want to work on it, but their husbands are often reluctant to seek help or to change. The reasons vary from sexual frustration to broken trust to feeling disconnected, the list goes on.
I often wonder how we go from pledging our lives to one another and vowing to stay together “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health” but then once we hit speed bumps, we look for a way out rather than for a way over those bumps.
The truth of the matter is that we all go through things, but, fellas, we have to get over ourselves and stop shutting down when we have issues. We need to start leaning in.
As leaders, we have to be the ones to make the first step toward change and investing in our relationship. In the meantime, ladies, just for your understanding, here are a few reasons that he may be resistant to getting help in the relationship.
1. He’s too prideful
As men, sometimes our pride is detrimental to our growth. We want to fix everything ourselves, and it’s hard to admit that we can’t always do this. We want to hide our heads in the sand while we continue on and hope things will just get better.
One thing most of us were never taught is: that in lessons of love, things don’t work that way. In order for things to improve in our relationships, we have to communicate and we have to be vulnerable enough to address issues head on. Pride can sometimes block your love blessings.
2. He’s embarrassed
Sometimes, if we can’t fix a problem ourselves, this can feel like an embarrassment to us; or we think marital struggles make us look weak.
Oh, and I know, ladies, you think counseling is a good idea, and it is. But for him, sometimes it means admitting some embarrassing and intimate things to a stranger. Guys, I’m here to say sometimes getting help means admitting wrongdoing and…..THAT’S OKAY! Sometimes, it’s the honesty that begins the healing.
3. He thinks it makes him look weak
One of the hardest things for men is to look weak in front of their woman. To look like he doesn’t know or isn’t in control, is a huge fear for many men.
Fellas, at some point though, you have to get over yourselves and know that your marriage and family are so much bigger than your pride and ego. Your family is worth it.
4. He may actually have to verbalize how he feels
“So if I go to this counseling session or marriage conference, you are telling me I have to talk about my FEELINGS?? Ummm, I’m not signing up for that!”
While women may love to talk about how they feel and why, many—actually LOTS of men—do not and that can be a serious hindrance to getting over those relationship speed bumps.
5. He really doesn’t want to fix it
Some men aren’t really interested in fixing the issues in the marriage. Some already have one foot out the door and are looking to get the other one out as well. It’s a harsh, but it is a true reality.
It takes TWO people willing to invest in their relationship and meet half-way in order to make it work long term. I’m speaking directly to the, fellas, again; there will be hurdles and sometimes you will need help in order to get through things, but remember that you aren’t alone.
If you surround yourself with the right people and engage in the right dialogue and then follow it up with action, then your relationship can survive! Don’t let foolish pride be the silent killer to your union…remember why you started!
BMWK, what are your biggest concerns with counseling? BMWK veterans, what other advice could you offer to couples who are hesitant about trying counseling?
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