Since sophomore year in college, feminism has been my source of security, inspiration, courage, and faith. It has provided me with the emotional and intellectual tools that I needed to piece together the scattered narratives of my past and the strength and wisdom to hold out for the future that I wanted.
Feminism, the set of beliefs aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women, has helped me navigate conversations with sexist, anti-woman family members, coworkers, and acquaintances without feeling that I was asking for too much or picking the wrong battles. Throughout my twenties, I unapologetically defended a woman’s right to equal compensation, dominion over her reproductive options, and sexual privacy.
I have also leveraged my feminist beliefs to inform my perspectives on marriage. Growing up, I witnessed several generations of married women worn out, dried up, and longing. They felt taken for granted and underappreciated. But instead of asserting themselves, they complained about their husbands behind their backs, remixing their martyrdom misery into badges of self-righteousness and piety.
By the time I jumped the broom, I was thirty-two years old, thirteen years a feminist and sure about one thing. I wanted a marriage that would afford me many of the same freedoms that feminism that had provided me as a single woman. With one year down, and decades more to go, my marriage proves that feminism has the power to make relationships better. Bringing my feminist self into my marriage has made me a better wife and woman, and my husband, a happier man.
Here’s how.
We stress less about money. I am one of two breadwinners in the household. Even though this is nothing new in our community it, nonetheless, is timely and relevant. I make my own money and more importantly, manage it well; my husband will never have to worry about dying and leaving his family homeless and hungry because his wife can’t hold it down without him.
We have better sex. Women are taught to pretend, especially in the bedroom. We are taught to be silent about poor performance because we are taught that sex is pleasure for him—obligation and duty for us. In my marriage, however, I am pro-sexual and communicative about what I want; I believe that giving and receiving pleasure is an expression and celebration of my femininity and humanity.
Did I mention that faking orgasms is against my feminist religion? Respectfully communicating my sexual preferences to my husband is not synonymous with emasculation. It is an opportunity to deepen intimacy and bond through honesty. In fact, it’s an authentic ego boost for him. Because when my toes curl, my husband will know that it’s the real deal.
My husband has time for his friends. He can attend to his friendships because I make sure that I maintain mine and actively seek new and rewarding female connections. Time away from one another in our respective social circles gives us more topics to talk about, more notes to compare, and more gossip to catch up on when we are back together.
We don’t fight over chores… anymore. Prior to marriage, I promised myself that I would not be victim to the “second shift” phenomenon, which occurs when working women return home from a full day’s work only to attend to the majority of the household responsibilities. Once married, though, my husband and I had to engage in several difficult, yet honest conversations around household chores.
I did not feel guilty about stating the obvious: my work schedule and other obligations would make it virtually impossible for me to be “in charge” in and outside the home. After some push and pull, we arrived at a compromise, which had four components. We identified chores that we could each do individually, chores that we could do together, chores that we would pay someone else to do, and chores that we would, more or less ignore, until they had to be done.
We have the skills and dispositions to raise happy, well-adjusted kids. Even though there is a huge question mark as to whether or not we will have children, I am confident that my son or daughter will grow up in a healthy, pro-love, anti-oppressive safe space because I made it my business to live that life so I could replicate it for them.
I love being married because I am allowed to be myself. And a huge part of that self is feminist.
BMWK- Could feminism improve your marriage?
I don’t see how one has to be a Feminist to have those 5 ways be better.
“We stress less about money”- I don’t know Any Man that likes or wants a Needy Woman; heck, there are Plenty of Men who are not economically Smart or know how to Manage/Budget Money at all. All Married Folks have to do is have Common Sense, Courtesy & Marriage Account- No Prenup or anything like that
“We have better sex”- Truth be Told,there are Many Guys who Love and Want Women to embrace their Sxuality and Sexual Nature. More Women than Men judge Women for “willfully being Exploited by Men”; Again, One doesn’t have to be Feminist to Own their Sexuality
“My husband has time for his friends”- I’m more than sure you don’t have be Feminist to have Prsonal Time to Oneself and/or Friends……..
“We don’t fight over chores… anymore”- this irks me and it’s not becaus you wrote this. IF/WHEN Men and Women Live Alone, we all Cook, Clean and Wash at our Own Places, even Before the Opposite Sex visits AND/OR deciding to “Shack Up”, so the Argument that Only Women should do “domestic Duties” has always been a Cop Out to me. I Hate when Men say it and Hate when Women Cosign it
“We have the skills and dispositions to raise happy, well-adjusted kids”- I suppose if a Person is or has been taught the “Traditional” Way or “Back in the Days” POV- despite this being 2014 and the 21st Century- the Child Rearing part would be Cherry-Picked
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Where has this article been all my life? “..married women worn out, dried up, and longing. They felt taken for granted and underappreciated.But instead of asserting themselves, they complained about their husbands behind their backs, remixing their martyrdom misery into badges of self-righteousness and piety. ” <<<<- That is my biggest fear about marriage. All I hear is about how marriage is so much work, marriage is sacrifice, you got to do all of these things to get a man, keep a man and make sure he doesn't cheat. What I fail to hear is happiness FOR WOMEN. What about my happiness in a marriage? Its as if happiness for women is just supposed to come from taking care of your husband and kids. Women are supposed to throw down in the kitchen like his grandmom, kept a spotless home like his mom, dance like a stripper, f-ck like a whore (fake orgasm and all), massage his ego and support his dreams. Where in the mist of all this is my happiness? Is my happiness supposed to be a by product of his happiness?
Its great that you can be in a marriage that is free from the oppression of male ego. Where two people can come together and create a situation that works for both? Where one person (usually the woman) doesn't have to sacrifice freedom, peace and sanity for the love of the other.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Where has this article been all my life? “..married women worn out, dried up, and longing. They felt taken for granted and underappreciated.But instead of asserting themselves, they complained about their husbands behind their backs, remixing their martyrdom misery into badges of self-righteousness and piety. ” <<<<- That is my biggest fear about marriage. All I hear is about how marriage is so much work, marriage is sacrifice, you got to do all of these things to get a man, keep a man and make sure he
doesn't cheat. What I fail to hear is happiness FOR WOMEN. What about my happiness in a marriage? Its as if happiness for women is just supposed to come from taking care of your husband and kids. Women are supposed to throw down in the kitchen like his grandmom, kept a spotless home like his mom, dance like a stripper, f-ck like a whore (fake orgasm and all), massage his ego and support his dreams. Where in the mist of all this is my happiness? Is my happiness supposed to be a by product of his happiness?
Its great that you can be in a marriage that is free from the oppression of male ego. Where two people can come together and create a situation that works for both? Where one person (usually the woman) doesn't have to sacrifice freedom, peace and sanity for the love of the other.
@Shon D – I completely agree! I would love to read more articles like this on this site. At one point in time, I stop visiting or reading the articles because they had a one sided view of what a female role should be in a marriage. I think the last straw with this site was when a article was written were the author of the piece was telling women to cook, clean, take care of the kids, and make sure your husbands eats, and have a safe and quite place to come home to when he gets off work.
After I read that, I couldn’t comprehend any woman in her right mind doing this on a daily basis with a grown able man in the house.
But I must say this is a refreshing, and brilliant piece of work by the author for women like ourselves who are professionals, wives, and mothers who see marriage as a partnership that is 50/50/. Or women who are looking to get married.
Thanks for reading and commenting. It sounds like you and your friends are progressive and implicitly support feminism. We need more men like you.
Thank you so much. It is important for marriages to support the emotional, spiritual, and financial needs of both partners or it will cause a lot of resentment and bitterness. I have seen it firsthand and promised myself that I wouldn’t let happen in my marriage.
There’s a common misconception that feminists will die bitter from loneliness but the likes of Chimamanda Adichie have redefined feminists as strong, empowered individuals (need not be females) who are in afraid to speak out against gender inequality. Simple
It’s reassuring to hear another female voice saying the same on here